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Displayed prices are for multiple nights. Check the site for price per night. I see hostels starting at 200b/day and hotels from 500b/day on agoda.

Captain_C

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Posts posted by Captain_C

  1. A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..

    He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him

    occupied.

    Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The

    father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him

    on the back..

    The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.

    Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue

    business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and

    sipping a cup of coffee..

    At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,

    neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her

    seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold

    of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at

    first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few

    seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the

    10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father

    and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the

    father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've

    never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are

    you a doctor? "

     

    'No,' the woman replied.

    I'm with the Inland Revenue..'

  2. The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

     

    As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

     

    In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

     

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

     

    In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spellingkan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

     

    Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

     

    Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

     

    By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v”.

     

    During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bll riten styl.

     

    Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

     

    Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

    • Upvote 2
  3. The perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond!

     

    1.

    Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

     

    2.

    In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

     

    3.

    No one expects you to run - anywhere.

     

    4.

    People call at 9pm (or 9am) and ask, 'Did I wake you?

     

    5.

    People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

     

    6.

    There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

     

    7.

    Things you buy now won't wear out.

     

    8.

    You can eat supper at 4 PM.

     

    9

    You can live without sex but not your glasses.

     

    10.

    You get into heated argument about pension plans.

     

    11.

    You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

     

    12.

    You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

     

    13.

    You sing along with elevator music.

     

    14.

    Your eyes won't get much worse.

     

    15.

    Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

     

    16.

    Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

     

    17.

    Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.

     

    18.

    Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

     

    19.

    You can't remember who sent you this list.

    • Upvote 1
  4. Spring Classes for Women at

    THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

    REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

    By Friday, May 18th, 2012

     

    NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

    OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS.

     

    Class 1

    Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat

    Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

    Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM.

     

    Class 2

    Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

    Round Table Discussion.

    Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

     

    Class 3

    Is It Possible To Drive Past Marks & Spencer Without Stopping? - Group Debate.

    Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

     

    Class 4

    Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

    Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

     

    Class 5

    Curling Tongs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

    Examples on Video.

    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning

    At 7:00 PM

     

    Class 6

    How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme.

    Help Line Support and Support Groups.

    Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

     

    Class 7

    Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

    Open Forum.

    Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

     

    Class 8

    Health Watch -They Make Medicine for PMT - and How To Use It!

    Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

     

    Class 9

    I Was Wrong and He Was Right! - Real Life Testimonials.

    Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

     

    Class 10

    How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

    Driving Simulations.

    4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

     

    Class 11

    Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .

    Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

     

    Class 12

    How to Shop by Yourself.

    Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

     

    Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

    • Upvote 2
  5. Texting for Seniors

     

    The mobile phone has increased in popularity quite drastically over the last decade and in particular the use of text messages.

    A whole new language of abbreviations (like BFF, LOL, etc) has been developed by the younger generation to speed up the process of texting, but finally the older generation have recognised the benefits of fast texting, and developed their own texting vocabulary.

     

    Should you receive a text message with some unfamiliar terms in it please refer to the list below :-

     

    ATD - At the Doctor's

    BFF - Best Friends Funeral

    BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

    BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

    CBM - Covered by Medicare

    CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

    DWI - Driving While Incontinent

    FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

    FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

    FYI - Found Your Insulin

    GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

    GHA - Got Heartburn Again

    HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

    IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

    LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

    LOL - Living on Lipitor

    LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

    OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

    OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

    ROFL - CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

    TOT - Texting on Toilet

    TTYL - Talk to You Louder

    WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

    WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again

    WTP - Where're the Prunes

    WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

     

     

    Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in)

    • Upvote 3
  6. These are from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

     

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

     

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget.

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

     

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

     

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

     

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

     

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

     

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Getting laid

     

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

     

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.

     

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

     

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

     

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral.

     

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

     

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

     

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

    • Upvote 1
  7. Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small eastern Oregon rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

    GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

    RANCHER: Well, theres my hired hand whos been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then theres the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

    GOVT AGENT: Thats the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

    RANCHER: That would be me.

    • Upvote 2
  8. A woman walks into an accountant ' s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

    The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions. "He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. And then

    Asks," What's your Occupation?"

    "I ' m a prostitute," she says.

    The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let ' s try to rephrase that."

    The woman says, "OK, I ' m a high-end call girl".

    "No, that still won't work. Try again."

    They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite Chicken farmer."

    The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a Prostitute?"

    "Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."

    "Chicken Farmer it is."

    • Upvote 2
  9. I NO COME WOK TODAY

     

    Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'

     

    The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

    When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

    That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.

     

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.

    I be at wok soon. You got nice house'.

    • Upvote 1
  10. A little Scottish humour

     

    A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband's temper

    and threatening manner.

    The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

    The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time

    ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

    The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your

    husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start

    swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until

    he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

    Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She

    says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I

    swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

    Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

    The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret. The water does

    bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

  11. Two Wishes

     

    An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

    The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

    'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order

    'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket

    and pulls out the exact change and pays.

    The next day, the trucker and the emu come again and he

    says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

    The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

    Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the trucker..

    'Same for me,' says the emu.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

    'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the

    exact change from your pocket every time?'

    'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was

    cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When

    I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

    I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount

    of money would always be there.'

    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would

    ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be

    as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

    'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls

    Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

    Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

    The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish

    was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees

    with everything I say.

    • Upvote 3
  12. Cheers Everyone

     

    Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

    ~ Jack Handy

     

    "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "

    ~Frank Sinatra

     

    “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

    ~ Henny Youngman

     

    "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."

    ~ Stephen Wright

     

    "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all

    get drunk and go to heaven!"

    ~ Brian O'Rourke

     

    "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

    ~ Dave Barry

     

    To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

    ~ Dave Howell

     

    One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

     

    "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

  13. THE HAIRCUT

     

    Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

     

    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

     

    Later, a police officer comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The policeman was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'Thank You ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

     

    Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

     

    The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

     

    And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

  14. Apologies if this has been posted before...........

     

    BRAINS OF BRITAIN

     

    UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

    Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

    Contestant: Homosexuals

    Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

     

     

    BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

    Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

    Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

    Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

    Contestant: Leicester

     

     

    BBC NORFOLK

    Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with “What A Wonderful World?”

    Contestant: I don't know.

    Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

    Contestant: Arm

    Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

    Contestant: Strong.

    Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

    Contestant: Louis

    Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

    Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

     

     

     

    LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )

    Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

    Contestant: France .

    Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

    Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

    Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

    Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

    Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

    Contestant: Paris .

     

     

     

    THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

    Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

    Contestant: The Conservative Party.

     

     

    BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON)

    DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

    Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

     

     

    UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

    Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?

    Contestant: Goosey?

     

     

    GWR FM ( Bristol)

    Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

    Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

     

     

     

    PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER )

    Phil: What's 11 squared?

    Contestant: I don't know.

    Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

    Contestant: Is it five?

     

     

    RICHARD AND JUDY

    Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

    Contestant: Forrest Gump.

     

     

    RICHARD AND JUDY

    Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

    Contestant: Er. ... ...

    Richard: He makes bread . . .

    Contestant: Er .. .......

    Richard: He makes cakes . . .

    Contestant: Kipling Street ?

     

     

    LINCS FM PHONE-IN

    Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

    Contestant: Barcelona .

    Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

    Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..

     

     

     

    NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

    Question: What is the world's largest continent?

    Contestant: The Pacific..

     

     

     

    ROCK FM ( PRESTON)

    Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

    Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

     

     

    THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

    Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

    Contestant: Magna Carta?

     

     

    JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

    James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

    Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .. ER. ER ... Three?

     

     

    CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

    Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?

    Caller: Japan .

    Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

    Caller: Er ........... Mexico ?

     

     

    PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

    Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

    Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

     

     

    DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

    Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

    Contestant: Holland ?

    Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet..

    Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?

    Daryl Denham: (helpfully)It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

    Contestant: No.

     

     

    PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

    Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

    Contestant: Er... ..... ..

    Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor .

    Contestant: Blimey?

    Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .

    Contestant:(Silence)

    Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..

    Contestant: Walked?

     

     

    THE VAULT

    Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

    Contestant: Nostalgia.

     

     

    LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

    Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

    Contestant: Jewish.

    Presenter: That's close enough.

     

     

    STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

    Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

    Contestant: Jesus.

  15. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning

    to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did....

    she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"

    and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It

    completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low

    cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a

    spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give

    him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop

    before you're banned from teaching altogether."

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half

    an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything -

    KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"

    Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,

    Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the

    right answer. They've sent my form back!

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his

    wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me

    because she can't afford the batteries.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing

    line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs

    back.

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    • Upvote 1
  16. I have just applied for planning permission to build a new house.

     

    It's going to be:

     

    * 100ft tall and 400ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights

     

    * Windows all over the place

     

    * On the outside, a very loud entertainment sound system

     

    * With parking for 200 cars

     

    * I'm going to paint it snot green with tatty pink trim

     

    The Council Planning Department told me to fuck off

     

    So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque

     

    Work starts on Monday

    • Upvote 1
  17. I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in the western world

     

    I think it should be the goal of every western government to be tolerant.

     

    Thus, the building of the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

     

    We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

    Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq o' Ribs."

    Across the street there could be a lingerie store called " Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods. Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered." All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

     

    If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on...

  18. I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

     

    There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Brisbane, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

     

    You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

     

    A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

     

    Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!

     

    Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

     

    The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.

    • Upvote 2
  19. Worried your pension will run short?

     

    So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do?

     

    Senior Health Care Solution

     

    Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.

     

    You are allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 illegal immigrants!

     

    Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

     

    New teeth? - No problem.

     

    Need glasses? - Great.

     

    New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?

     

    All covered.

     

    (And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

     

    And who will be paying for all of this?

     

    The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

     

    Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax any more.

     

    IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?

    • Upvote 2
  20. Ad found in the Canberra Times.

     

    Wanted. A tall well-built woman with good

    reputation,who can cook frogs

    legs,who appreciates a good fuc-

    schia garden,classic music and tal-

    king without getting too serious.

     

    Interested?

     

    Then please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

     

    Still interested?

     

    Call me at ......

  21. For several years, a man in Norwich had been having an affair with

    an Italian woman.

     

    One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

     

    Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large

    sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

     

    Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child

    support until the child turned 18.

     

    She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

     

    To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and

    write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

     

    He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

     

    One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

    'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

     

    'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later.' he said.

     

    The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,

    and fainted.

     

    On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

     

    Two with meatballs, one without.

    Send extra sauce....

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