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MONKEYWATCH - February 2007

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Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our tenth odyssey into the myth and folklore that surrounds the Land Of Nudge and Wink.


Well, the big story just after New Year was the bomb scare on North Pattaya Road caused by the hapless loon whose car exploded after he fitted it with an LPG fuel system to save money. In an attempt to retrieve the situation, he said that the car had never experienced any problems until it blew up, but the general consensus from those present was that they’d sooner buy a used car from Richard Nixon.


There’s been a reprieve for Brits flying to Thailand on British Airways as the planned strikes by the cabin crews have been called off. It seems that it was all caused by a row about them taking an average of 22 days sickies every year. Surprising it isn’t even more if they have to eat the same load of old crap that they serve to the passengers.


As we all know, Suvarnabhumi Airport has been a great success and absolutely nothing has gone wrong since it opened. This has not gone unnoticed in Pattaya, where they are proud to announce the opening of their own new airport.




As you can see, it’s not quite finished yet but, in true Suvarnabhumi style, they’re still going ahead with the planned opening next Tuesday.


The bars in Pattaya seem to be lot quieter than this time last year but the hotels are still full. Looks like the Cheap Charlie Asian tourists are in town again. Makes you wonder what the little buggers get up to. Like, do they actually ever come out of their hotels or do they have to be locked in their rooms? We can but hope.


Whoops, they did it again. As you may well have heard, the Thai authorities have come up with yet another brilliant new scheme to cut crime by having bar owners install CCTV cameras in their premises. Predictably, the announcement sparked off a huge crime wave, as thefts from shops selling CCTV equipment tripled overnight. Don’t you love it when a plan falls apart?


Looks like the riddle of why police raids never found any sex toys at Marilyn A Go Go has at last been solved. The girls must have chucked them out the back door as, after a long absence, they’ve finally been washed up on the beach.




There was a bit of a misunderstanding the other week when a German bloke complained to his hotel that he’d returned to his room and found that the safe had gone out of the closet. The manager apparently expressed his regrets but said that the hotel could not give guests any guarantees as to the sexual orientation of their room safes.


Local fishermen have been blamed for harming the tourist trade by using explosives in the waters around Pattaya and doing a significant amount of damage to underwater sites in the area. This has resulted in a much smaller number of tourists diving in the sea, but a much greater number flying out of it.


Talking of the sea, a quick message for the chap who was enquiring on one of the boards if the seawater quality around Pattaya is as bad as it’s made out to be. Well, let’s put it this way. If you were trying to commit suicide, it’d be quicker to drink it than to drown in it.


A delegation from Cambodia arrived in Pattaya a few weeks ago to enter into discussions with the local mandarins about business opportunities in the city. Well boys, if your business is drugs, prostitution, mugging or illegal gambling you’ve hit the jackpot.


Plans to deal with the impact of a tsunami on Pattaya continue to take shape with the delivery of this new line of baht buses.




A ceremony was recently held at the Wiwat Polamuang Navy School following the completion of the first part of a rehabilitation program for 244 drug addicts. Many more addicts had applied to join the program, but were told “Rehab? No hab.”


Pattaya Daily News carried a wonderful article the other day about a Swiss bloke who set fire to his apartment. They went on to say “He had a reputation for bizarre behaviour, going out every night and returning in the early hours of the morning in an intoxicated state”. Jeez, what a weirdo. Makes us glad we’re all normal, eh?


We’re still trying to work out the new Thai smoking ban, which seems to apply to entertainment venues but for some reason not to bars. Perhaps the authorities don’t class bars as entertainment venues. They wouldn’t be far wrong if they’ve visited some of the bloody bars we’ve been in lately.


And remember, guys. Life is like a shit sandwich - the more bread you’ve got, the less shit you have to eat.


be seeing you


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