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Monkeywatch - May 2009


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Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome as we embark on our fourth year of bringing you the news you couldn’t give a shit about. Come to think of neither could we. Anyway, here’s some more.

 

Well, the first significant event from the last month was the State Of Emergency in Patts after the invasion of the Red Shirts knocked the ASEAN summit on the head. Actually, the most disturbing facet of this was the emergence of a new group, the blue shirts, as that’s one more colour you can’t wear any more without risking getting bashed over the head with a blunt instrument. There was even a rumour that The Blues Factory was going to play it safe by changing its name to The Greens Factory (it was allegedly going to be The Blacks Factory until they got a phone call from the Ku Klux Klan).

 

There’s a rumour going round that one of the farang Tourist Police Volunteers was recently involved in sting operation to ensnare Russian and Uzbekistani ladies of easy virtue who were plying their trade on Walking Street. If it’s true, the ladies’ employers obviously haven’t had a word with him yet as his horse’s head still seems to on the horse rather than on his pillow.

 

Looks like there’s yet another new political movement in town – the Blue Towels…

 

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A guy in Pattaya was recently overheard asking why the girls say “Up to you” so often. Well sir, a rough translation would be “I don’t give a monkey’s bollock as long as you’re paying”.

 

A husband and wife turned up at a Jomtien police station the other Wednesday to file complaints against each other after she tried to bite his dick off because he’d shagged her sister. The officers present refused to help the woman as they considered her to be more than capable of biting off her husband’s wedding tackle without police assistance.

 

A man was arrested on Larn Island last week after being reported by local residents for various instances of theft, fraud, blackmail, extortion and assault. He was taken to Pattaya Police Station where he was charged with impersonating a police officer.

 

As we all know, Pattaya’s a great place to come if you want to find yourself a real dish…

 

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It’s been reported that the Bully Convention 2009 which was due to take place in Jomtien on 2 May was cancelled after someone phoned up the organisers and threatened to ‘get them behind the bike sheds’ if it went ahead.

 

There was a bit of a rumpus in Central Pattaya a couple of Thursdays ago after a refuse collector found a live grenade in a green rubbish bin. A council representative said that they were shocked to hear of this as every household had been sent a leaflet expressly instructing them to put all grenades into their black bins.

 

As always, there’s a few movers and shakers on the bar scene. Hell Club is expected to reopen shortly as The Devil’s Den and will have Heaven’s Inn located next door, perhaps for the punters to repent their very recent sins. Activity on Soi 6 includes the opening of two new bars, Soho and Lisa’s, and the anticipated reopening of the Mandarin Club. Kitten Club on Pattayaland 2 has also reopened with the promise of “new water features” (perhaps a few bucketfuls to throw over the customers to keep them awake).

 

The winner of this year’s annual Frog Trampling Contest on Beach Road has still not been declared as the judges are currently engaged in a second recount…

 

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The owner of Tiffany’s has been twittering on about the decline of “quality tourists” visiting Pattaya because he can’t get enough of them into his ladyboy shows. We’d put his problem down to a decline in the number of perverts.

 

Finally, we can’t finish without mentioning the latest big tourist issue, swine flu. Some scientists are concerned that it might combine itself with bird flu and create an even deadlier virus. Yeah, and pigs might fly.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

:D

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A man was arrested on Larn Island last week after being reported by local residents for various instances of theft, fraud, blackmail, extortion and assault. He was taken to Pattaya Police Station where he was charged with impersonating a police officer.

B)

-Smelly

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