Wife and women jokes

[Esco 19]

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

 

The crowd cheered.

 

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

 

The crowd cheered.

 

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

[Esco 19]

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun.

"Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She pries off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement, it's her husband.......

"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says.

[bigstuy 8]

why did the woman have 2 black eyes?

she had to be told twice.

 

 

what do you call the useless bit of flesh around a pussy?

the woman

 

 

whats the difference between a woman with pms and a rotweiler?

lipstick.

 

 

what does wife stand for?

washing, ironong, fucking etc.

 

 

why dont women need watches?

there is a clock on the cooker

 

 

 

why are womens feet smaller than mens?

so that they can get closer to the sink.

[N3RGT 118]

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $300.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything.

 

*****

 

Alf went to the tattooist and had "I LOVE YOU" tattoed on his dick.

When he got home he showed his wife.

"There you go again", she said, "trying to put fucking words in my mouth".

 

*****

 

A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let’s go upstairs..."

 

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

 

So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.

 

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

 

*****

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called "out-of-the-blue" to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

 

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

 

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I’m a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge". "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don’t mind a receding hairline, total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

 

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would

still be a great lover.

 

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I’ve put on a few pounds myself!"

 

So I told her to fuck off.

 

*****

 

...........and finally but off topic..40 Things That Happen Only in Movies

 

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

 

2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

 

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.

 

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

 

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.

 

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

 

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

 

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

 

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

 

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

 

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

 

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

 

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

 

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…

 

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

 

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).

 

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

 

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

 

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

 

20. All single women have a cat.

 

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

 

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

 

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.

 

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

 

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

 

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.

 

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

 

28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.

 

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone’s Law).

 

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

 

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

 

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

 

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

 

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

 

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

 

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

 

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

 

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

 

39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties).

 

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

[Esco 19]

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $300.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything.

 

[bigstuy 8]

why did the woman have 2 black eyes?

she had to be told twice.

 

 

what do you call the useless bit of flesh around a pussy?

the woman

 

 

whats the difference between a woman with pms and a rotweiler?

lipstick.

 

 

what does wife stand for?

washing, ironong, fucking etc.

 

 

why dont women need watches?

there is a clock on the cooker

 

 

 

why are womens feet smaller than mens?

so that they can get closer to the sink.

 

 

 

 

 

why do women have legs?

did you ever see the mess a snail makes

 

 

why do women have legs?

to get from the kitchen to the bedroom

[ThaiLearner 18]

How do you stope the misses nagging you in the lounge?

 

Shorten the chain from the kitchen.

[DP Gumbypgh 97]

First Woman: "This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I

have an orgasm."

Second Woman: "You poor dear! Are you taking anything for that?"

First Woman: "Snuff."

 

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

1) She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth

and her head is flat so you can put cocktails on it.

2) The sports model has pull-back ears and her teeth fold in.

3) The economy model - she fucks all night and at midnight

she turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

 

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up

to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke,

the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady's arms were too

short to reach.

 

This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and

says, "I'd like a scotch and soda and I'd like to buy that

douche bag at the end of the bar a drink." The bartender

says, "Hey, she's a regular and you can't be talking about

her that way." The guy says, "Okay, I'd like to buy that

nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink." The

bartender says, "That's more like it," and he walks up to

the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says,

"Vinegar and water."

 

A man meets up with an old roomate whom he has not seen for many years.

The roomate has had a sex-change operation. "Was it painful?", asks the former.

"No, not really" says the second. "How about when they cut off your dick?"

"No that really wasn't the worst of it." "Really?" says the first. "How

about when they had to create the new hole? That must have been painful."

"No the worst part was when they stuck the straw in my ear and sucked out half

my brains."

 

Why did God give women nipples?

To make suckers out of men.

 

Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostiture for the new season?

Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.

 

Why are clams like women?

When the red tide comes, you don't eat them.

 

How does a man know when he's eaten pussy well?

When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a

glazed doughnut.

 

Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man?

You put a quarter in and get fucked.

 

I've got a joke so funny it'll make your breast fall off:

Oh...I see you've already heard it.

 

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

 

What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?

Throw it on the floor and tampon it.

 

What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?

Bo Derek getting older.

 

Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and Kentucky

Fried Chicken batter?

It's uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin' good.

 

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

 

What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?

They're both fun to ride until a friend see you.

 

Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?

The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.

 

What's the difference between a job and a wife?

After five years, the job still sucks.

 

How do you make paper dolls?

Screw an old bag.

 

What's the white stuff you find in women's panties?

Clitty litter.

 

Bumper sticker: Support E.R.A. - make him sleep on the wet spot.

 

What do you call a rehabilitation home for ex-prostitutes?

An all-the-way house.

 

Definition of a wife: "An attachment you screw on the bed to get the

housework done."

 

How are an oven and a woman alike?

You have to get them both hot before you can stick the meat in.

 

Remember what's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? (Getting

fingered by Captain Hook.) Well, you know what's worse than that?

Getting eaten out by Jaws.

 

What's the purpose of a bellybutton?

To put your gum in on the way down.

 

Why was the stamp commemorating prostitution so unpopular?

You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it.

 

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can't hear an enzyme.

 

How do you make a hormone?

Put sand in the Vaseline.

 

What's a cunt that talks back?

An answering cervix.

 

What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?

Mikey ... He'll eat anything.

 

What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream?

A spermicidal maniac.

 

Why do women have legs?

So they don't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.

 

What do you call a hooker with no legs?

A nightcrawler.

 

What do you call a girl who's just been run over by a car?

Patty.

 

Why do female parachutists always wear pantyhose?

So they won't whistle.

 

How do you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose?

If she farts, her ankles will swell.

 

How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?

Look for the dandruff on her shoes.

 

Why do women have 2 holes so close together?

In case you miss.

 

Why do women have 2 holes so close together?

So you can carry them home like a six-pack.

 

What do you call a female clone?

A clunt.

 

Why did the guy trade in his wife for an outhouse?

Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.

 

Why is there a string on the end of a tampon?

So you can floss after you eat.

 

How does a girl hold her liquor?

By the ears!

 

How is a woman like a frying pan?

You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

 

How is a woman like an airplane?

Both have cockpits.

 

How is a woman like a road?

Both have manholes.

 

Which of the group doesn't belong (eggs,wife,meat,blowjob)?

A blowjob because you can beat the others but you can't beat a blowjob

 

Ladies, look down inside your shirts and spell the word attic out loud.

 

Three mysteries of women:

1. They can give milk without eating grass.

2. They can bleed for a week every month without dying.

3. (My favorite). They can bury a bone without getting their

noses dirty.

 

What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?

Sends him to work.

 

Your wife's just like a rifle: First she gets cocked and then she blows.

 

Your wife's just like a bowling ball: She gets picked up, fingered, thrown

in the gutter, and always comes back for more!

 

How many male Chauvinists does it take to clean a toilet ?????

None ! Thats womans work.

 

What two things in the air might get a woman pregnant?

Her feet!

 

If God didn't want man to eat pussy, He wouldn't have made it look

so much like a TACO!

 

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

FULL!!

 

How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much?

A: Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch,

If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.

 

How does a women get a mink coat ?

The same way mink gets a mink.

 

A woman goes to the gynecologist with a terrible case of

crotch rot. The doctor takes one whiff & almost passes out.

"My dear," says the Doc, "this is serious! What you need is Mega Douche!"

"Mega Douche?" says the woman, "What's that?"

"It's my own formula! It contains marijuana, talcum powder

& Kentucky fried chicken."

"Why marijuana, talcum powder & fried chicken?"

"Because you wanna keep that thing high & dry & finger lickin good!"

 

Three men were sitting on a beach; a fairly good-looking blonde walks by.

The first man says, "I give her a six"; the second, "I give her a 7"; the

third says, "She is a 1." The other two look at him and wonder. Another

woman walks by. The first man says, "She is an 8"; the second says, "I give

her an 8+"; the third says, "She is a three." Again the first two men wonder

about him. Then an extremely fine-looking redhead approaches. The first man

says, "She is a 10!" The second man says, "She is an 11!!" The third guy

says, "She is a six." The other two finally look at him and say, "What is the

matter with you, man?? That redhead is perfect!! Are you weird or

something??"

"Wait a minute--you don't understand; I use the Budweiser scale."

"What the hell is that?"

"That's how many clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."

 

How A Pussy Was Made

====================

 

Seven Wise Men made up their minds

to build then a Pussy of their own Design.

 

The First was a Carpenter, full of wit,

with a Hammer and Chisel, He made the Slit.

 

The Second, a Blacksmith, black as coal,

with an Anvil and Sledge, He made the Hole.

 

The Third, a Rich Tailor, tall and thin,

with a peice of Red Ribbon, He lined it within.

 

The Fourth, a Furrier, big and stout,

with the Skin of a Bear, He lined it without.

 

The Fifth, a Fisherman, old and bent,

with a Rotten Herring, He gave it a Scent.

 

The Sixth, a Preacher, with a B.A. degree,

Patted it, and Felt it, and said it would Pee.

 

The Seventh, a Rabbi, a Mean Little Runt,

Blessed it, and F*cked it, and called it a C*nt.

 

This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed

his choices down to 3 women. He couldn't make up his mind on which

one he should marry, so he tested them. He gave each women $5,000

to see what they would spend it on. The first woman went out, bought

furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself. The second woman

put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself. The

third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young

man.

Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man

married?

 

Answer: The woman with the biggest tits, of course!

 

Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman

Symbol : WO

Discoverer : Adam

Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from

25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified

Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,

energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas

Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely

nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally

unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter

if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from

virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted

by coins & sports cars. In its natural shape the

specimen varys considerably, but it is often changed

artificially so well that the change is indiscernable

except to the experienced eye.

Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, & C, especially in the

crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left

alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly

desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such

as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst

is often required (must say that you love her at least 5

times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when

in dark & all reaction conditions are suitable.

Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable

pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 & 25 years.

Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on

lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).

Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural

state.Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income & ego).

Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be

used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is

illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though

a certain amount of exchange is permitted.

 

Banana Loaf

-----------

 

2 laughing eyes

2 bowing arms

2 well-shaped legs

2 firm milk containers

1 fur-lined mixing bowl

1 banana

 

Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and

massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check

frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until

creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is

done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick

the bowl.

 

WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !!!!!!!!

 

What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?

A widow.

 

Why do women have tits?

So men will talk to them.

 

Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them.

 

Why is a woman better than a sheep?

Sheep can't cook.

 

Why does a woman have one more brain cell than a cow?

so she doesn't shit on the floor when she does the dishes.

 

Joe: I got a problem.

Ed: What's the matter?

Joe: Women. I just don't understand them.

Ed: Do you understand your TV?

Joe: No.

Ed: So what's the problem?!

 

And a little story:

Guy and girl in back of van going at it... Girl says "put a finger in me"

So he does. Then she says "put another finger in me" and he does.

"Put ANOTHER finger in me" and again he does. "Put your whole HAND in me"

and he does... "Put your other hand in me" and again he obeys.

"Now clap" At this point he replies "I can't!"

"Tight huh?"

 

How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to change it,

One to support her by holding the ladder,

One to write an indignant essay condemning the use of the

word "screw".

 

A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood,

and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking,

she takes a dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to

the attendant:

"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"

"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"

"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!!"

 

What’s the smartest thing to come out of a woman’s mouth?

Einstein’s cock

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

Slap the bitch

What does a redneck chick say after sex?

Get off me dad, you’re crushing my smokes

Why did god give blondes one more brain cell than horses?

So they wouldn’t shit during the parades

What is the purpose of women’s underwear?

To keep women’s ankle’s warm

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Fucking nothing, you’ve already told them twice

What do you say to a lesbian with no arms and no legs?

Nice tits, bitch

What does a toilet and a woman have in common?

Without the hole in the middle they aren’t worth shit

What’s the hardest part of a sex change operation?

Removing half the brain

What do you call a fat chick with a yeast infection?

A whopper with cheese

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapuss.

How can you tell if you eat pussy well?

You wake up in the morning with a face like glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard that the referee was blowing fowls

What’s the definition of a woman?

Life support for a vagina

What does a tornado and a redneck divorcee have in common?

Someone is losing a trailer

What do you call two lesbians on the rag?

Finger painting

What do tornadoes and women have in common?

In the beginning they both suck and blow but you just end up losing your house

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her old, used crack and resell it

What does a blonde’s right leg say to her left leg?

Nothing, they’ve never met before

What’s the definition of virgin?

An ugly third grader

What is the mating call of redhead?

Next

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to change it and one to suck my cock

What does a woman have in common with a with a box of Kentucky fried chicken?

Once you get past the tender breast and the juicy thighs, all you’re left with is a greasy box

What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it

What’s the difference between a washing machine and a 16 year old girl?

You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won’t follow you around for 2 weeks telling you it loves you

Why do doctors slap babies when they’re born?

To knock the dicks off the stupid ones

What do women and dog turds have in common?

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up

What do women and condoms have in common?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin

What do you call a gay dinosaur

A megasoreass

How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to put it in and one to write a folk song about it

What is the hardest part to eat of a vegetable?

The wheelchair

How do you get a nun pregnant?

You fuck her

What do you call a useless piece of skin around a vagina?

A woman

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

What do 54,000 abused women have in common?

They don’t fucking listen

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well hung

What has six legs and eats pussy?

You, me and Ellen Degeneres

How is Waco like a snickers bar?

Roasted nuts

What is Koresh wearing right now ?

His best Sunday soot what else?

Charcoal slacks

What else?

A smoking jacket

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy

How can you tell if you are squeezing a woman the right way?

You fill her crack

What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?

Desert

What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?

Hairballs

[DP Gumbypgh 97]

WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN...

 

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car

while you play hockey.

5. When the beer goes flat, you toss it.

6. Beer is never late.

7. Hangovers go away.

8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. Beer never has a headache.

11. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a

beer.

12. After you had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on

your breath.

14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel

guilty.

16. A beer always goes down easy.

17. You can share a beer with your friends.

18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.

19. A beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. You can have a beer in public.

22. A beer doesn't care when you come and will wait forever.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

[midlifecrisis 3,995]

The man I most associate wife jokes with was the late Henny Youngman my faves in bold:

 

 

 

My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.

 

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

 

Take my wife, please!

 

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

 

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

 

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

 

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

 

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

 

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

 

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

 

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

 

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

 

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

 

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

 

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

 

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

 

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

 

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

 

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

 

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

 

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

 

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

 

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

 

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

 

http://www.funny2.com/henny.htm

 

Have a blisfully wedded evening!

Edited July 22, 2009 by midlifecrisis

[Bushcraft 2,459]

Women: The most efficient method yet devised for transferring semen from the bedroom to the bathroom.

 

What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

 

How do you recognise the bride at an Essex wedding?

She's the one with the clean T-shirt

 

How do you know when a Liverpool girl is coming?

She drops her chips

[Terry Lee 3]

Women in court charged with stealing a tin of peaches. Judge asks " how many peaches were in the tin ?" to which she replies " there were 4 ".

 

He thinks for a moment and tells her that she will serve 1 month for each peach !!!

 

As she was being led away her husband shouts from the public gallery....

 

" AND SHE STOLE A TIN OF PEAS ! "

[bigstuy 8]

the budweiser scale.

 

fucking brilliant.

[N3RGT 118]

 

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, And every year Buddy would say,

'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

 

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old...

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance...'

 

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.''

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.

 

If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

 

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

 

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

 

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

 

Buddy replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

Edited July 22, 2009 by N3RGT