Monkeywatch - September 2010

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome once again as we grab our spoons and stir the Pattaya porridge for all it's worth. Right, chocks away.

 

Punch-ups in Patts are big news at the moment, and there was another one a couple of Sundays ago in which six Thai blokes attacked a chap and gave him a good kicking. Nothing new you may say, except that this time it wasn't at a bar or Go Go, it was at the Sutawat Temple in East Pattaya - and all the brawlers were monks. Hell's teeth, what's the world coming to? The way things are going you'll have to be careful how you look at a nun if you don't want her boot in your groin.

 

A double suicide was reported to have taken place in North Pattaya the other Friday. Funny, I thought you could only do it once.

 

A deaf and dumb boy was attacked in Soi Yamoto the other Monday by a bloke who tried to steal his wallet and mobile phone. It is believed that the assailant may have been aggrieved after losing several games of pinball to his victim, who is reportedly hoping to go blind in order to improve his game even further.

 

It's good to see that Pattaya has beefed up its coastal defences so that we don't have to worry if another tsunami hits…

 

 

August 12 is Mothers Day in Thailand but it's not a bumper day for the card shops because you don't have to buy one unless your mother happens to be the Queen, as it's her birthday that's being celebrated. The event was marked in Pattaya by the release into the sea of 90 sharks and 779 turtles, which very quickly became 90 sharks and no turtles. They never learn, do they?

 

Yet another record was broken in Pattaya three weeks ago with the unveiling of the world's longest sasher cake, which measured in at no less than 78 metres. The record in question was presumably for the most boring news story in living memory.

 

A Burmese labourer was stabbed in the legs in early hours of Wednesday morning after he complained about the noise being made by his neighbour. Police are looking for a deaf midget with a knife and a bad temper. Maybe it's the Soi Yamoto pinball wizard looking for some payback.

 

Pattaya Film Productions is currently making a movie based on the events of 9/11. As you can see from this still, it's packed full with state-of-the-art special effects…

 

 

Bar news now, and as usual there's one or two entrances and exits from the list. Office A Go Go on Soi LK Metro is up and running as of last week and Paris A Go Go on Soi Diamond has closed down, though it should be reopening under new management at the weekend. Nothing to set the world on fire really.

 

If you don't want to risk getting landed with a paternity suit after a trip to Pattaya, remember to practice safe sex. Some say you should always wear a condom, though wearing one during sex should be sufficient. Another way of practising safe sex is to tell the girls your name's Colin and you come from Albania. To date, this cunning ploy has only ever failed once. Sorry Colin.

 

I went into a Pattaya store to buy something (as you do). The conversation with the shopkeeper went something like this.

"You want large or small?"

"Large please"

"No hab"

"Okay, I'll have small then"

"No hab"

I'll get the hang of it one day.

 

Pattaya's much-heralded Titanic replica was finally launched last week. As you can see, it's hard to tell it from the real thing…

 

 

The Pattaya Police Chief called a meeting last Wednesday with the Baht Bus Cooperative to discuss ongoing issues the city has with the buses. Baht Bus Cooperative? That's about as likely as Taliban Feminist. Anyway, one of the things to come out of the meeting is that baht buses are to be redesigned to prevent crimes such as necklace snatching and pickpocketing. Perhaps, while they're at it, the drivers could also be redesigned to prevent such crimes as loutish behaviour and overcharging punters. The president of the Baht Bus Cooperative is called Khun Tawat. Sounds like the right man for the job.

 

Those of you daft enough to fly with British Airways were no doubt impressed by the news story last Friday about them accidentally playing a message on one of their flights that the plane was about to crash into the sea. One of the passengers was reported as saying "I can't think of anything worse than being told your plane's about to crash". How about "Your plane's about to crash and you've got a very small dick".

 

Finally, it's been reported that a bar employee was lucky to escape with his life last week after a bullet fired at a bar in Third Road missed him. So I guess we were all lucky to escape with our lives because it missed us as well.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[ghafarbaba 3]

A deaf and dumb boy was attacked in Soi Yamoto the other Monday by a bloke who tried to steal his wallet and mobile phone. It is believed that the assailant may have been aggrieved after losing several games of pinball to his victim, who is reportedly hoping to go blind in order to improve his game even further.

 

why would a deaf and dumb kid hv a mobile phone?

[DP Gumbypgh 97]

why would a deaf and dumb kid hv a mobile phone?

 

Texting Roger Daltrey of course.

[Ergodyne 19]

Texting Roger Daltrey of course.

 

 

"SURE PLAYS MEAN PINBALL"