A few silly ones

[Big_Brian 179]

These are really geared for Brits, others may miss some of them, but I'm sure someone will translate if asked.

 

 

 

 

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

 

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

 

 

 

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.

 

He was chuffed to bits.

 

 

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.

 

As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin...

 

3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...

 

I thought to myself, this lot have lost the plot!!

 

 

 

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

 

A spokesman for the channel said....

 

'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

 

 

 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

 

 

 

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield .

 

3.1415927 dead

 

 

 

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I’d like to wind it....

 

I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

 

 

 

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.

 

"What's the matter?" I asked.

 

"I've got the big C," he said.

 

"What, cancer?"

 

"No, dyslexia."

 

 

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week.

 

I thought it was a good Korea move.

 

 

 

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.

 

He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

 

 

 

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs.

 

The birds love it!

 

 

 

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.

 

From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

 

 

 

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

 

I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

 

 

 

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ –

 

I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'

 

 

 

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was homosexually abused on stage last night.

 

To be fair the audience did try to warn him…

[N3RGT 118]

It'a always difficult to get a response to jokes on this forum Brian, but there are some good ones there, thanks !

[atlas2 4,329]

Excellent

 

The 'pie' one had me thinking.

 

 

 

I can see myself using the flintstones one.

Edited March 4, 2011 by atlas2

[MM 6,562]

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was homosexually abused on stage last night.

 

To be fair the audience did try to warn him…

 

Can somebody explain this one to me?

 

This one went over my head as well.

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I’d like to wind it....

 

I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

[N3RGT 118]

Can somebody explain this one to me?

 

It's all to do with the tradition of English Pantomime. This is a seasonal,(Christmas or New Year) show mainly for the kids but Mum and Dad will come along too most of the time. Such shows are based on fiction such as Jack and The Beanstalk, Alladin and his Lamp or perhaps Babes in the Wood .

 

The leading character is often an attractive female who is dressed up as a dashing young male hero, and there is in the cast a pantomime dame along with an "evil baddie" who is always out to commit heinous crimes to our panto hero.

 

Throughout the pantomime this charcater will often creep up behind the leading hero in a bid to do bad things to him/her. This will always be in full view of the audience. Audience participation is all part of the fun and at such times they will always shout "He's behind you" as a warning.

 

Do you get it now? Sorry but it's essentially a British "thing".

 

The baby one is perhaps another Brit thing aswell. To "wind" somebody would normally involve a punch to the solar plexus region.

 

For "transatlantic mode" perhaps the term "Burp" would be more understandable

Edited March 4, 2011 by N3RGT

[MM 6,562]

It's all to do with the tradition of English Pantomime. This is a seasonal,(Christmas or New Year) show mainly for the kids but Mum and Dad will come along too most of the time. Such shows are based on fiction such as Jack and The Beanstalk, Alladin and his Lamp or perhaps Babes in the Wood .

 

The leading character is often an attractive female who is dressed up as a dashing young male hero, and there is in the cast a pantomime dame along with an "evil baddie" who is always out to commit heinous crimes to our panto hero.

 

Throughout the pantomime this charcater will often creep up behind the leading hero in a bid to do bad things to him/her. This will always be in full view of the audience. Audience participation is all part of the fun and at such times they will always shout "He's behind you" as a warning.

 

Do you get it now? Sorry but it's essentially a British "thing".

 

The baby one is perhaps another Brit thing aswell. To "wind" somebody would normally involve a punch to the solar plexus region.

 

For "transatlantic mode" perhaps the term "Burp" would be more understandable

 

Of course they are both innately British things...nothing like the first instance occurs in USA.

 

As for the second, what's the "dead leg"? For yanks, "burping" is a gentle tap between the shoulder blades of the baby, not a punch to the solar plexus!

[N3RGT 118]

Of course they are both innately British things...nothing like the first instance occurs in USA.

 

As for the second, what's the "dead leg"? For yanks, "burping" is a gentle tap between the shoulder blades of the baby, not a punch to the solar plexus!

 

A "dead leg" is something done typically by say schoolboys at playtime/recreation time in the school yard. It involves a bang on the upper

leg muscle of the person in receipt by the perpertrator who will effect the blow by raising his knee into the one thats getting the dead leg.

This can be particularly painful resulting in a semi paralysis of the upper fleshy part of the leg .

 

As for being winded. Its when you are unable to catch your breath after say having a blow to the stomach area or falling heavily when playing a rough contact sport such as Rugby Union.

 

"Winding" the baby is just another term for getting rid of excess air in the child. I have heard Americans call it "Burping" the baby !

[MM 6,562]

Okay, it's all clear now. Not that funny, but clear.

 

Thanks.

[yorta2 664]

As an Aussie, I thought they were almost all pretty good - some (of course) I have seen before. However, I have no idea of what the pie factory one is all about. Please explain!

[atlas2 4,329]

As an Aussie, I thought they were almost all pretty good - some (of course) I have seen before. However, I have no idea of what the pie factory one is all about. Please explain!

 

 

Spelling...reading put me off too.

 

..........and I only remember it to 3 decimal places.

 

 

 

Thinking about 'it'.........it's the only time in my 58 yrs knowing 'it' has proved useful.

 

I'm hoping that one day someone will make up a joke about ......''opposite sides of a cyclic quadrilateral being supplementary'' and I'll get that too.

 

 

My maths teacher will be rotating 180 degrees in his grave.

Edited March 5, 2011 by atlas2

[bobgod 5]

Very good--I also heard that three out of four people make up 75% of the worlds population?

[Bushcraft 2,459]

I can recommend a very good book called "Glue" to BMs - I couldn't put it down.

[mcan 0]

Read a good book the other day TATTERD FORSKIN bY Claud Penis.