Review: LK The Empress Hotel (w/photos)

[Harvey 249]

The LK Empress Hotel is a handsome mid-rise hotel consisting on two separate buildings at the corner of Beach Road and Soi 12. This review is associated with the booking of a Deluxe Sea View King Bed with Jacuzzi room via Agoda. As usual, YMMV. But before I go any further, here is their website: https://lkpattaya.com/empress/

 

 

I found my recent stay at the LK Empress to be a "meh" kind of experience. The hotel doesn't have anything specifically bad associated with it. But it stands out in no specific area. For Yanks who have been associated with management/leadership work, the Empress is like the J.C. Penny's of hotels -- nothing worth remembering and an operation which the free market should punish (except that its good location and affiliation with the LK group will allow it to chug along for the foreseeable future). Some specifics:

 

The Good:

 

The room is spacious enough, though the layout is a bit odd to the sides of where the balcony is cut out of the room's footprint.

 

Your TG will love the TV system. New HD television with a bazillion channels including more Thai channels than I knew existed. (Though a channel that broadcast Thai music seems to be a hit). The requisite sports stations are there. If you're a Yank who watches the news, there is no CNN International. They bring in Fox News from the states which I find completely unwatchable (but if you like it, you'll be happy). [When I'm home in the states, I get my news from UK sources like the Guardian and Al Jazeera America. I find Fox News and MSNBC to be propaganda for the sheeple on both sides of the political divide]. Anyway, the TV and system is a hit.

 

The AC blasts. It can cool off a room really quickly, Problem, the thermostat is just for show. The AC never slows down when it's obvious that the room has hit the thermostat mark. I asked the front desk about it and I got a shrug.

 

There is a master control box bedside that controls all the lights, the AC unit, and the "Do Not Disturb" and "Make Up Room" indicators for housekeeping outside of the room.

 

Lots of storage, though laid out a bit odd, for clothes.

 

In-room safe. (In this day and age, I can't go without it at a hotel I'm going to stay at.)

 

Beautiful view of Pattaya Bay from my small balcony. I spent most of my days at sunset on my balcony, having a quiet beer and contemplating life. It's just really peaceful and nice.

 

My housekeeper was really good. And quick. My room was made up quickly and I never came back from running around during the day to find my room unmade. (This is kind of important to me).

 

The bedding (sheets, comforter, etc) were really good. Conducive to sleep.

 

 

The Average

 

Breakfast buffet got pretty "meh" after a few days. I did appreciate them having an omelette station. Problem: The guys working the station don't know how to make an omelette. You gotta put the eggs down first, then the ingredients on one side, then fold it over, dudes. You'll get scrambled eggs with your omelette stuff mixed in. Oh well, TIT.

 

The water pressure in the shower and toilet left lots to be desired. Hot water took a bit to hit. I never used the jacuzzi.

 

Bed - I know beds in Pattaya are known to be hard and this is no exception. I like a firm mattress, so it's all cool. But we all have different tastes. If you don't like firm mattresses, you'll not like this bed.

 

Pool - Pretty average pool that gets sun about half the day. I really shouldn't knock the hotel's pool for this, but I really enjoy pool time when on holiday and am pissed that I didn't get lots of pool time at the Empress. Wasn't anything associated with the facility or management, but it was always just jammed with Russians who overran the pool area, smoking and yelling all day,

 

Front desk and bell hop friendliness can be best described as "Hey falang, what the heck do you want now?". (But the folks working the breakfast area are all cool).

 

 

The Poor

 

The LK Group did not build this hotel but bought it out from their original owner. You can tell because unlike other LK properties I've stayed at (Metro, Renaissance) the walls between rooms are thin. This may or may not be bad, depending on your kinks. But do know that you'll hear everything your neighbors are doing and vice-versa. So what does that mean?

 

For me, it meant an unofficial competition with my two neighbors (who I've yet to meet in the hallways) as who who can have sex the longest. I think I'd be ashamed if I'm done after a couple of minutes while meanwhile, next door, someone else's TG is moaning for a long time. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't want to be known as the guy on the 7th floor who was a lousy lay.

It means that mid-afternoon when you're relaxing in your room and you hear your neighbors yelling at each other.

TG: I SAID I DON'T LIKE ROLE PLAY.

Neighbor: GET OVER HERE NOW AND GET ON YOUR KNEES.

TG: [gagging sounds over and over following by coughing that threatens to get into vomiting]

TG: STOP -- I DON'T LIKE ROLE PLAY!!!!!

Neighbor: I don't want you anymore.

TG: YOU CALL ME, REMEMBER?

TG: (gagging sounds).

(At that point, I thought it would be better to quietly slip out of the room and hit up The Martian at the theater).

Ahem, moving on, WiFi can be really spotty. At times it's reasonably acceptable. Other times, it's totally unusable. I'd say that I could count on in-room WiFi working only about half or the time.

 

If you value the front desk collecting TG's IDs on the way up, the Empress is very spotty on this. Most of the time, they didn't check. (I really don't care, so it's all good for me. But I know it's important to others).

 

Conclusion: I like the location and there are a number of good things associated with this hotel. So I'm not saying that it's a crappy place to stay at. It's just that, I think you could do a little better. Do stay here if you value the location (which includes great views of the bay from your room) or if you like the idea of hearing your neighbors. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I'll be somewhere else next time.

 

Again, I get that YMMV.

 

Your faithful correspondent,

 

Harvey

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is an in-room safe in the armoire.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bathroom sink area. (LK refills the shampoo, razors, toothbrushes (visiting TGs liked having new disposable toothbrushes) faithfully.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jacuzzi tub. I didn't use it.

 

 

 

 

 

Water pressure in toilet was not the greatest.

 

 

 

 

 

Shower water pressure wasn't the greatest either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking into the room from the front door.

 

 

 

 

 

 

King bed. Bedding (sheets, comforters) were very soft and conducive to sleep. Mattress was Pattaya-firm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your TG will like the bazillion different channels on your HDTV.

 

 

 

 

 

Small desk, enough to do some work on if you have to. WiFi is very spotty in the room.

 

 

 

 

 

Balcony is small (fits one chair). But i a great spot for yourself at sunset with a beer.

 

 

 

 

Sitting on my balcony at sunset, this is my view. Imagine yourself here with a cold brew in your hand. Best part of the day.

 

 

 

[js007 795]

I always wondered about that place, but never stayed there. Thanks for the report.

[BigusDicus 9,878]

Excellent review. Thank you for taking the time.

[jacko 8,813]

What a great review, haven't seen one like this for a while.

[MM 6,562]

Very informative and, for a hotel review, surprisingly entertaining and humorous!

You'll not be staying there again, I take it.

[Harvey 249]

Very informative and, for a hotel review, surprisingly entertaining and humorous!

You'll not be staying there again, I take it.

 

 

Yeah Martin. This is a one-time deal for me.

 

I wanted to go back to Page 10, but the last time I was there, I was trying to (cowardly) hide from a TG who was working at Sabai Land. One of the desk clerks there snitched on me late night/early morning one day and told the Sabai Land TG that I was up there with someone else. Wow, that wasn't fun later when we met for lunch the next day.

 

Sabai girl: I told you....YOU NO SEX SHE. (The "she" means any other female in Pattaya).

 

Then she took a few swings at me.

 

LOL.....only in Ptty.

[Spock 4]

The LK Group have 16 hotels & resorts. Stayed at the LK Renaissance the year I notice the LK The Empress was being build on Beach Road. It's the newest hotel of the LK Group, have stayed there 8 times to date, last time this August. Good location, reasonable breakfast buffet with some variety every day but it can be boring if staying for 4 weeks. The only issues is the open restaurant no air conditioning and hot water & water pressure in the room. It can be hit or miss depending on the time of day. Also if you have more than one guest they will charge you THB500 for the second guest. Overall it is a good hotel & is well located.

[Bullfrog 2,224]

Excellent, informative and well written and presented.

 

For a fleeting moment I thought you had a set of jump leads hanging in your wardrobe...

[Harvey 249]

Excellent, informative and well written and presented.

 

For a fleeting moment I thought you had a set of jump leads hanging in your wardrobe...

 

 

Hmmm.......

 

::Thinking about it now::

 

LOL

[capdagde 1,954]

Looks like we stayed in EXACTLY the same room in 2012 for our 'one night in a posh place'. I agree the place was just so-so. We could never get used to the Louis de Lebanon furniture. Good review!

Edited October 17, 2015 by capdagde

[Harvey 249]

Looks like we stayed in EXACTLY the same room in 2012 for our 'one night in a posh place'. I agree the place was just so-so. We could never get used to the Louis de Lebanon furniture. Good review!

 

 

LOL - I used to think that the LK group hired somebody's great grandma to choose the decor of their rooms.

[MM 6,562]

 

 

LOL - I used to think that the LK group hired somebody's great grandma to choose the decor of their rooms.

It's like some faux Empire stuff that somebody thinks looks elegant, instead of ornate and laughable.

[Bullfrog 2,224]

One thing I liked is the shower hose. I really like to give my arsehole a good soaping and clean out with my finger...... . You never know when you will get strip searched.......

 

I spent the first half of this year working in UK... Well working in London but staying in hotels in Hounslow.....Not one place had a shower head on a hose!! How the hell do people clean their arses?? Perhaps that's why everybody sits so upright on the tube ..... to clench their smelly arses closed...

[Harvey 249]

One thing I liked is the shower hose. I really like to give my arsehole a good soaping and clean out with my finger...... . You never know when you will get strip searched.......

 

I spent the first half of this year working in UK... Well working in London but staying in hotels in Hounslow.....Not one place had a shower head on a hose!! How the hell do people clean their arses?? Perhaps that's why everybody sits so upright on the tube ..... to clench their smelly arses closed...

 

 

In Thailand, because of the overwhelming heat, you need a good shower hose for the butt shower, I guess. I mean, how else are you going to wash away the butt sweat caused by heat and humidity. "Butt sweat", two words that aren't always used in together in company.

 

Tangent: That's like a few years back when the board was abuzz about "balls massage". I still don't get that. Who needs a massage on balls? The only thing I want massaging my balls is some TG's tongue. Just sayin'.

[Harvey 249]

It's like some faux Empire stuff that somebody thinks looks elegant, instead of ornate and laughable.

 

Green upvote.

 

I could probably make some money if I could convince the LK group to let me choose their interior decor. I have zero taste in things like that, but even as bad as I am, I will never confuse myself or my tastes with that of Louis XIV.

 

I'd gut the entire place and turn the decor of LK rooms into a combination of Thai, Zen and sex pit. Minimalist furniture all under a mini-sala. A king bed that converts into something huge with the push of a button for your threesomes. All with paint and furniture schemes that some designer would call "sandy mauve".

 

Yeah, that would be the ticket.

 

:nodding: