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BigusDicus

Bar Humor

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Posted (edited)

Is a hole a real thing, or just a place where something isn’t?

 

Donut hole 1.jpg

You Can't Handle the Hole Truth!

 

 

Donut hole 2.jpg

There's a whole lot of hole jokes right there.

 

So in 1927 I would have been able to stick my thing through it but I can't anymore.

 

 

Donut 3.gif

Edited by BigusDicus

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One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the drunks orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.

"What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
 

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Farmer saw a man scooping water into his mouth from a stream.

"Don't drink that. My cows piss and shit in it."

"Could you speak slowly? I'm from pakistan and I don't speak English well", said the paki.

"I said, you'd do better if you used both hands."

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BTW..It was me that down voted the previous post......

 

I'm pretty much done with politics on the forum at the moment .. but please continue as you wish ...

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I gave it a 😄 as I thought it was a good comment on how the media can alter the narrative to suit their own agenda/prejudices

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15 hours ago, Bullfrog said:

BTW..It was me that down voted the previous post......

 

I'm pretty much done with politics on the forum at the moment .. but please continue as you wish ...

I liked the joke and voted it "lol." But I agree with you, let's keep the political jokes on the "political jokes" thread in P&R.

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A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? " The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning" The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are. The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more then goes back to the same stockboy and asks "Where the hell do you keep the blackberries, I need some blackberries right now!" The stockboy, getting frustrated with his inability to explain the situation, tells the lady "Answers a couple of questions and I will get you your blackberries from the back." The lady agrees and the man starts the questions.

"Spell cat for me, as in catastrophe " she says Ok, "C A T". "Very good!" the stockboy says, "now spell dog, as in dogmatic. " The lady getting frustrated spells it correct. Now the employee finally asks "now spell, Fuc, as in blueberries. " She replies "There is no Fuc in blackberries?"

To which the stockboy replies "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU THE WHOLE TIME!"
 

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Posted (edited)

clever. People will immediately assume a question by ignoring the punctuation at the end.

Edited by midlifecrisis

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Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Newark, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former chinese prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

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Posted (edited)
18 hours ago, BigusDicus said:

What has.jpg

 

18 hours ago, BigusDicus said:

What has.jpg

Surely You wrote that wrong , as always has 6 letters, wouldn't you agree.

Edited by sinbinjack

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Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Robin replies, " I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" asks Batman. Robin ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Batman?"

"Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

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4 hours ago, gs joe said:

80AF7894-DFDC-45FD-8173-0C2F30B8D435.jpeg

Now the digital prostate exam makes some sense.

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39 minutes ago, midlifecrisis said:

Which way does the laptop go in?

Hopefully they use the stylus attachment

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I've got a good friend who married a Doctor. One day he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making". Soon thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an MD. "Why?" asked her husband.

"You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making; I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she replied.
 

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A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprised to find they owe $3000. "How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed. "So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."

"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple. "If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.

"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man.

"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!" "If you didn't use - that's your problem!"

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