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Monkeywatch - September 2019

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Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your valued patronage, and welcome to this month’s surprisingly stinking pigless edition (we’ll make up for it next month though.)  

It’s looking increasingly likely that 4am closing in Pattaya will be approved before very long. It’s also been suggested that the best place to pilot the plan would be Walking Street. Well actually fellas, Walking Street has been piloting the plan for the last 20 years or so and it seems to have worked okay up to now.

The Thai Tourism Ministry have put out an official statement informing the world that tourism is up by 5 percent compared to last year. Journalists who approached the ministry for evidence to support this claim were told that nobody was available as they were all out shooting pigs with surface-to-air missiles.

Here’s a new one even for Thailand – fake temples. It seems that some despicable Chinese bounder has built a fake chapel on some temple land he rented and has been shipping in coachloads of Chinese tourists so he can sell them piles of outrageously priced pseudo-religious tat. Seems that if you’re one of their fellow countrymen, you can get away with selling anything to the silly little yellow buggers. Well, as the old Chinese saying goes, there’s a million born every minute.

Also tourist-free and zero holidaymakers by the look of it…


Why is most long haul airline food such disgusting crap? It’s amazing that companies can come up with so many new innovations to make the flying experience as enjoyable as possible then serve up food that you wouldn’t feed to a dog – and if you did, the dog probably wouldn’t eat it. Not a great start to the holiday experience.

A dead dolphin has been found on the Chonburi coast. No doubt the local Burmese workers are already being rounded up by the boys in brown.

There seems to be less and less bars putting on free food nights these days. Word is they don’t want to risk their regular punters being trampled to death by Chinese tour groups.

The new sewage pipes being laid under Beach Road appear to be ribbed – for extra sensitivity perhaps?..


Bar news now, and first up is Oasis A Go Go, which has finally bitten the dust and been replaced by Serenity A Go Go. Crazy House has closed for two months for renovation and the staff have relocated to Lighthouse, which has now reopened (don’t suppose there would have been much point in them going there if it hadn’t.) Scooters at Secrets has also reopened and has pretty much carried on where it left off, though there’s a rumour going round that it may become a restaurant. Black Snake Club has opened on Soi Buakhao but is apparently only of interest to women and poofs. Probably not too many girls working there then.

Last week saw the welcome return of the Pattaya dance contest, the first to take place for many years. The event took place at Dollhouse, who were competing against Beavers and Electric Blue. Dollhouse came out winners and the night was generally a success and very much in the spirit of the old days. The only real criticism was that the girls weren’t nearly pissed enough and were just a little bit more inhibited than one might have liked. The one exception was a contestant from Dollhouse who was as pissed as a rat and predictably ran out as the worthy winner and recipient of the 10,000 baht first prize – then spent the end of the evening throwing up. This is the stuff.

We also had the appearance of Asian Idol on Beach Road this month, a not entirely enjoyable exhibition of screeching and caterwauling by contestants who clearly had no concept of lyrics, time or key – or interest.

Back to the good old days now with a couple of yarns from Monkeywatch of September 2009…

“Fire units were called to the Zahrat Alkhaleg Middle Eastern Restaurant in South Pattaya the other Wednesday after the place was reported to have been blown up by a suicide food critic. The establishment was severely gutted (as was the owner), but customers who managed to salvage bits of charred food from the burning wreckage said it had never tasted so good.

The infamous Red Shirts held a protest outside City Hall on Wednesday despite having signed an agreement not to take action that would do even more damage to Pattaya’s ailing tourist industry. Pity they couldn’t get the police to sign it as well.”

Welcome to the beachfront paradise that is Pattaya…


An elderly German cyclist ended up lying in a ditch with a gashed leg and a smashed up bike after being charged by an elephant in Banglamung recently. A representative from Pattaya Elephant Village said “We’ve no sympathy with him at all. He obviously didn’t take any notice of the signs warning cyclists not to go around picking fights with elephants.”

Plans are afoot to construct underground toilets at Pattaya Beach. These are presumably intended to replace the current Pattaya Beach toilet, or as it’s more commonly known, Pattaya Beach.

According to the latest road accident statistics, Thailand now ranks ninth in the world for road deaths. When asked what the authorities planned to do in order to improve the figures, a spokesman said “Nothing at all. We think ninth is high enough.” Typical Thais – no ambition at all.

be seeing you



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Thanks yet again. Good to see that there is still enough news happening in Pattaya to warrant a monthly post. Please keep going as so many on the board seem to have given up!
One place I think that I will definitely avoid will be underground toilets in Beach Rd. Sounds like a perfect description of hell to me.

Sent from my Nokia 6.1 using Tapatalk

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5 hours ago, monkeyman said:

Welcome to the beachfront paradise that is Pattaya

You could get away with the above comment and old picture in the section

5 hours ago, monkeyman said:

Back to the good old days now

also applying to modern times. It actually looks a good bit better back then than it does right now! 

Thanks for the entertainment. 

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