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It was a good night Adam. Where are the photos

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'. The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'. The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!' The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

8 things girls should say to a guy:- 1. I'm bored, let's shave my pussy. 2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3. That fart was great. Do another. 4. Of course I swallow. I love it. 5. No, that's o.k. You drink beer and watch porn. I'll do the washing up. 6. Just for a change put it in my arse. 7. How about you get that girl from work to join us? 8. Marriage? No way. Sadly, Carlsberg don't do girlfriends. But Thailand does.

Investment Advice If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214. So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Airways from London to Melbourne. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'. The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'. The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'. The boy admitted that this was the case. 'Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Virgin Airways always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you.'

DO NOT CHEAT AND LOOK AT ANSWERS!!! WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ (Passing requires only 4 correct answers) 1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) >From which animal do we get cat gut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below . ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course) What do you mean, you failed? Me, too. (And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!) What is your score

The automobile driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is: .75 seconds....... or 1 car length for every 10 mph...... Test your average reaction time.. Be very careful this can be addictive. Click on the link below and good luck. Reaction Test http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sle...on_version5.swf

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland. Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub . Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication? The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken. 'I doubt it,' said the man; 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear! These are not made up. Check them out yourself! 1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com 2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com 3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island '. It can be found at: www.penisland.net 4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com 5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at: www.powergenitalia.com 6.'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com 7. 'The First Cumming Methodist Church' Web site is:www.cummingfirst.com 8. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site: www.speedofart.com Have a fun day! Just be careful what you name YOUR new web site

There’s a bloke sitting indoors watching the T.V. His other half has gone off to bingo and his son's watching T.V in his bedroom. All of a sudden his son appears in the hallway. The son said 'Dad, I have a question, What’s 'Love Juice?' The dad said 'How old are you?' The son said 'Twelve,' and so the Dad said 'Well you’ve got to find out sometime, so sit down. You're going to meet a lovely young lady along your travels and you’ll probably find yourself a little secret love nest. You’ll start to kiss and cuddle and find yourself getting sexually aroused. You’ll probably start to undo her blouse and play with her boobs. You’ll probably start to run your hand up her leg and start to play with her little hairy buff. Don’t make it too wet otherwise it makes farting noises during sex. That wetness that you can feel is called love juice.' The boy says 'Thanks Dad' and starts to walk out of the room. The dad says 'Excuse me son, but what are you watching upstairs?' His son replies 'Tennis…'

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name' 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.' 'What's ur name' she asked. He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer.'

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!! Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.' I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?' God says 'We are over quota on Gypos. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will just let the dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the blower to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God. 'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'................................. 'No, the gates'