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ENGLISH WOMEN: First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit. Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position. IRISH WOMEN: First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. ITALIAN WOMEN: First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress. CHINESE WOMEN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen. INDIAN WOMEN: First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night. AMERICAN WOMEN: First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you. MEXICAN WOMEN: First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She's pregnant. Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip. JEWISH WOMEN: First Date: You spend all your money to impress her. Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier ARAB WOMEN: First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out. Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats. No third date: The POINT? DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.' After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?' 'Oh, that crazy old ba >>>>> d,'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out. 'Matt's riding a new bike!' 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!' 'Jason is on his skate board! After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a boom boom " Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!!

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?" She says, "I'd take half, then leave you." "Excellent," he replies, "I won $12 , here's $6 - now Piss off!"

Apple does it again! Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. > The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. > The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. > 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. > She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? > Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

A lot of these are embarrassingly true.

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:- 'Could they possibly get married in Heaven?' When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter was somewhat taken aback and said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and then walked back into heaven, closing the gates behind him. The couple sat and waited, and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. And as they did, they wondered if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it didn't work out? Would they be stuck together forever?' After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled, harassed and worn out. "Yes." he sighed. "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" exclaimed the couple, "But we were just wondering. What if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, exploded, and slammed his clipboard onto the ground so hard that it shattered into a thousand pieces. "What's wrong?" quaked the frightened couple. " Good God!!! Screamed St. Peter. "It's taken me three sodding months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it would take to find a bloody solicitor?"

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too. HERB'S WINKY.... Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.' She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.' Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!' 'Yes, it is ... 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long

These notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t- faced from all of the beer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding b! y pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck ! it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot.Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli !!

Subject: Scottish baby A Scot was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, “That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Highland baby boy.." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. ....so how much does he weigh now?” "The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds. "The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig from his Black Horse Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, Not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."