Peter_F

Dirty Night Before Christmas Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, the whole goddamn family was drunk as a louse, with mom in the whore house and dad in jail, I sat myself down to a cold glass of ale. When out on the lawn, I heard such a clatter, I got off my sister to see what was the matter. And what to my stoned-out eyes should appear, but a shitty old sleigh and eight fucking reindeer. With a dirty old man who was beating his dick, I knew at that moment, it must be St. Nick. He flew across the lawn and up the house wall, he cried onward you bastards

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a plain pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The past

Girls night out Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave an

Did you ever stop and wonder... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why "abbreviated" is such a long word? Why Doctors call what they do "practice"? Why you have to click on "Start" to stop 'Windows'? Why lemon juice is made with artificial flav

Experience is what you get when you're looking for something else. Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterwards. Past experience should be a guide post, not a hitching post. Experience is knowledge acquired too late. Some people learn from their experiences, some people never recover from them. Experience is what you have left when everything else is gone. An optimist is someone without much experience. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Experience is knowing a lot of things th

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his fri

Super Pussy An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

A man walks into a psychiatrists ward wearing shorts made out of cling wrap.. The doctor took one look at him and said "I can clearly see your nuts" Two Blondes walk into a bar You woulda thought one of them woulda seen it! What do christmas trees and priests have in common? Their balls are just for decoration! What does an electric train toy and a woman's breasts have in common? Both were intended for children but no one can gets Dad's hands off either of them. What is the difference between "light" and "hard"? You can sleep with a light on.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed

True Emergency Room Visits! FATTY AND SKINNING------- A slender 45-year-old man from Georgia reported broken ribs after having to literally escape from his 300-pound wife. Apparently, she had accidentally rolled onto him while sleeping, crushing his ribs. Ashamed by her weight problem and what she had done, she refused to let her husband leave he house. But he broke out a few days, whilst she was sleeping and went straight to the hospital. SUPERMAN TO THE RESCUE----A neighbour of a newly wed couple was worried when she didn't hear her rather noisey neighbours for a while. A few days la

A Man, an Ostrich & a Cat A man, an ostrich & a cat walk into a bar and..... The bartender says, "What would you like Sir?" The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer." He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?" "I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, "What will you have?" "Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying." "That will be £12.65" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65. The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. What'll it be today?" says the bartender. "Double whisky on the rocks" sa

Three Dogs A Labrador retriever strolls into the vet's waiting room. Two other labs are there and look miserable. So he asks "what's up guys? It can't be that bad." "Oh yes" said one. "I'm here to be put down. My owner can't take any more. See, I'm a digger. If it don't move I dig it up. The yard, the rug, upholstery, you name it I dig it up. My owner got fed up when she bought an antique bed spread. Two minutes after it went on the bed I tore it to shreds. Now I'm being put down." The other Lab said "yeah, I'm a pisser. Same deal. If it don't move I hose it down. My owners had enough when

See number 7 I believe that ones covered alto yours is much more succinct

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories: It can be used as a verb, both transitive "John fucked Mary" and intransitive "Mary was fucked by John" It can be an action verb "John really gives a fuck" a passive verb "Mary really doesn't give a fuck" an adverb "Mary is fucking interested in John" or as a noun "Mary is a terrific fuck" It can also be used as an adjective "Mary is fucking beautiful" or an interjection "Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary" It can even be used as a conjunction "Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid" As you can see, there are very

Carefull! After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling aw