Peter_F

Dirty Night Before Christmas Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, the whole goddamn family was drunk as a louse, with mom in the whore house and dad in jail, I sat myself down to a cold glass of ale. When out on the lawn, I heard such a clatter, I got off my sister to see what was the matter. And what to my stoned-out eyes should appear, but a shitty old sleigh and eight fucking reindeer. With a dirty old man who was beating his dick, I knew at that moment, it must be St. Nick. He flew across the lawn and up the house wall, he cried onward you bastards or it's off with your balls. Then down the chimney he came like a bat out of hell, I knew at that moment, the fat fucker fell. He filled all the stockings with drugs and beer, and a big rubber dick for my brother who's queer. And up again he went with a fart, that son of a bitch blew my chimney apart. And I heard him say as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all it's been a hell of a night." --Unknown author

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a plain pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

Girls night out Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Did you ever stop and wonder... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why "abbreviated" is such a long word? Why Doctors call what they do "practice"? Why you have to click on "Start" to stop 'Windows'? Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food? Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor? Why people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? Why your Obstetrician or Gynaecologist leaves the room when you get undressed - if they are going to look up there anyway? Why Goofy stands erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why sheep don't shrink when it rains? Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress? Why they call the airport "a terminal" if flying is supposedly so safe? Who the first first person was to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Who the first person was that said, "See that chicken there, I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum?" Why the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can't he fix a hole in a boat? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? What do you call male ballerinas? If blind people can see their dreams? Do they dream?? That if Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why the "Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass? Why it is when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? How come we put a man on the moon before realising it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases? Why brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells are forever? How important someone has to be before they can be 'assassinated' rather than just plain 'murdered'? How come "phonetically" is spelt with a "ph"? Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box? Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? When you get to heaven / paradise / nirvana, are you stuck wearing whatever you were buried or cremated in forever? Why people say they "slept like a baby", when babies normally wake up every two hours? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? How do blind people know when they are done wiping? What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zigzag? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet? Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"? Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics? If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it? Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Why don't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation? If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

Experience is what you get when you're looking for something else. Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterwards. Past experience should be a guide post, not a hitching post. Experience is knowledge acquired too late. Some people learn from their experiences, some people never recover from them. Experience is what you have left when everything else is gone. An optimist is someone without much experience. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Experience is knowing a lot of things that you shouldn't do. Some people speak from experience. Some people, from experience, don't speak. Experience is a good school, but you never get a vacation. There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience, and that is not learning from experience. Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it the second time. The school of experience will let you repeat the lesson if you flunk the first time. Experience is something you have plenty of when you're too old to get the job.

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."

Super Pussy An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

A man walks into a psychiatrists ward wearing shorts made out of cling wrap.. The doctor took one look at him and said "I can clearly see your nuts" Two Blondes walk into a bar You woulda thought one of them woulda seen it! What do christmas trees and priests have in common? Their balls are just for decoration! What does an electric train toy and a woman's breasts have in common? Both were intended for children but no one can gets Dad's hands off either of them. What is the difference between "light" and "hard"? You can sleep with a light on.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.....

True Emergency Room Visits! FATTY AND SKINNING------- A slender 45-year-old man from Georgia reported broken ribs after having to literally escape from his 300-pound wife. Apparently, she had accidentally rolled onto him while sleeping, crushing his ribs. Ashamed by her weight problem and what she had done, she refused to let her husband leave he house. But he broke out a few days, whilst she was sleeping and went straight to the hospital. SUPERMAN TO THE RESCUE----A neighbour of a newly wed couple was worried when she didn't hear her rather noisey neighbours for a while. A few days later, she peered through their letterbox and through the windows. But there was no sign of anyone. Concerned for the young couple, she called the police. The officers promptly broke down the door, then searched the house. Only to find the young women gagged and tied to the bed. Her husband was lying unconscious on the floor, wearing a Superman Outfit. They later explain that they had been engaged in a superhero role-playing fantasy, and the costumed husband had knocked himself out attempting to jump onto his wife from atop the dresser. Of course, the woman was unable to help him! THE RUNAWAY STRETCHER -------- An elderly woman was been transported to another hospital in an ambulance. The paramedics were quietly talking to her when the ambulance doors suddenly opened while they were journeying up an incline. The stretcher she was strapped to flew out, rolled down the hill at tremendous speed, before tipping over, narrowing missing two cars travelling in the opposite direction. THE SHOCK OF HIS LIFE------An 18-year-old High School leaver from Birmingham, Alabama was rushed into the ER after he been severely electrocuted. After much hesitance, he later explained that he had been sat at his computer, visiting some "adult" websites. After his "right hand had said hello to his One Eyed Snake", he came, spraying his bodily fluids all over the keyboard and onto the screen, causing the current to pass through his body. INNER SKELETON----- A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body. SOFA GAL----- A 400lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit and a dime was found under one of her breasts. PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. PING PONG ANYONE?----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. THE CATS BOLLOCKS------An unconscious 30-year-old man was brought to the ER by ambulance. His girlfriend had found him lying naked on the floor of his bathroom and called 911. In the ER, he was found to have a large lump on the top of his head and, strangely, several scratches on his scrotum. The doctors figured the lump was possibly caused by a fall or a knock to the head. However the source of the scratches remained a mystery until he woke up and provided the doctors with the following explanation. He said he had been cleaning his bathtub while naked, kneeling on the floor beside the tub. His cat, apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his scrotum, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this pendulous target. This caused the man to rocket upward, striking his head on the top frame of the shower door.

A Man, an Ostrich & a Cat A man, an ostrich & a cat walk into a bar and..... The bartender says, "What would you like Sir?" The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer." He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?" "I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, "What will you have?" "Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying." "That will be £12.65" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65. The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. What'll it be today?" says the bartender. "Double whisky on the rocks" says the man. He looks at the ostrich and says, What will you have?" "I'll join him in a double whisky" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, "What will you have?" "Half a pint of beer-but I'm not paying" says the cat. "That will be £21.95" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95. The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "Excuse me" the bartender, says, "I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?" "Well" says the man, "when my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp. So I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes. So I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I would have the exact change in my pocket". "That's brilliant" says the bartender. "You'll never ever run out of money. What else did you ask for?" The man sighs and says, "A bird with long legs and a tight pussy!!"

Three Dogs A Labrador retriever strolls into the vet's waiting room. Two other labs are there and look miserable. So he asks "what's up guys? It can't be that bad." "Oh yes" said one. "I'm here to be put down. My owner can't take any more. See, I'm a digger. If it don't move I dig it up. The yard, the rug, upholstery, you name it I dig it up. My owner got fed up when she bought an antique bed spread. Two minutes after it went on the bed I tore it to shreds. Now I'm being put down." The other Lab said "yeah, I'm a pisser. Same deal. If it don't move I hose it down. My owners had enough when they brought the baby home from the hospital. They put her on a blanket in the floor and I didn't even wait for them to look at the TV - I soaked that baby from head to toe. Now I'm being put down." So they looked at Lab 3 and said "how 'bout you?" Lab 3 said "I'm a humper and like both of you - if it don't move - it's mine. The other night my owner got out of the shower and dropped her towel. When she bent over to pick it up I hit her with all I had. " "So you're being put down too huh? Said Lab 1. "Oh hell no" Lab 3 said. "I'm here to get my toe nails trimmed." The Lion A circus owner needed a new lion tamer. About a half dozen applicants showed for audition. All were men except one woman. Thinking the woman wouldn't be so good the owner asked her to go first. Get her out of the way and all that. She went to lion's cage, entered and removed her full length fur coat. There she stood totally naked. She then cracked the whip a motioned for the huge male lion to come to her. Then she had him put his paws on her shoulders where he licked the woman from head to toe. The owner was astounded. He turned to the five men and said "can any of you do anything like that!! One guy spoke up and said "hell yes - but get those lions out of there first!!

See number 7 I believe that ones covered alto yours is much more succinct

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories: It can be used as a verb, both transitive "John fucked Mary" and intransitive "Mary was fucked by John" It can be an action verb "John really gives a fuck" a passive verb "Mary really doesn't give a fuck" an adverb "Mary is fucking interested in John" or as a noun "Mary is a terrific fuck" It can also be used as an adjective "Mary is fucking beautiful" or an interjection "Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary" It can even be used as a conjunction "Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid" As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Apart from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: 1. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 2. Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer." 3. Resignation "Oh, fuck it!" 4. Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now." 5. Aggression "FUCK YOU!" 6. Disgust "Fuck me." 7. Confusion "What the fuck.......?" 8. Difficulty "I don't understand fucking Maths!" 9. Despair "Fucked again..." 10. Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier." 11. Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?" 12. Lost "Where the fuck are we." 13. Disbelief "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!" 14. Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!" 15. Denial "I didn't fucking do it." 16. Perplexity "I know fuck all about it." 17. Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?" 18. Greetings "How the fuck are ya?" 19. Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?" 20. Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here." 21. Directions "Fuck off." 22. Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?" It can be used... ...in an anatomical description "He's a fucking asshole." ...to tell time "It's five fucking thirty." ...in business "How did I wind up with this fucking job?" ...maternal "Motherfucker." ...political "Fuck Dan Quayle!" It has also been used by many notable people throughout history : Mayor of Hiroshima "What the fuck was that?" General Custer "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" Captain of the Titanic "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" John Lennon "That's not a real fucking gun." Richard Nixon "Who's gonna fucking find out?" Anne Boleyn "Heads are going to fucking roll." Willard Scott "It's someone's 100th fucking birthday today!" Albert Einstein "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Picasso "It does so fucking look like her!" Pythagoras "How the fuck did you work that out?" Michaelangelo "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Walt Disney "Fuck a duck." Edmund Hilary "Why? Because its fucking there!" Joan of Arc "I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" Donald Trump "She wants how much fucking money?!?!?" Orville Reddenbacher "Look! Almost every fucking kernel popped!" Jim Lovell (captain of Apollo 13) "Huston, We have a fucking problem!!"

Carefull! After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."