irish jokes

[tom21 19]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the

morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus

and Sean- (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the

mortician pulled back the sheet.-

Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'.

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't

Paddy'.

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in

to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him

over'.The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,'No, it

ain't Paddy'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.'

'What,?- he had two arseholes???' said the mortician.

'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,

folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'

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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border

>>checkpoint.Paddy the officer stops them and tells them:

>>'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

>>'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts

>>disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five

>>persons.'

>>'You c ann ot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means

four.-You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking

the law'.

'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over.

I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'

***********************************************************

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to

show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large

gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked.

'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied.

'How does it work?'

'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow

with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For

****sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!'

 

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A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going

to get married. He says,'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2

other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess

which one I'm going to marry'.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them

down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, 'Okay, Ma.

Guess which one I'm going to marry.' She immediately replies, 'The

red-head in the middle.'

'That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?'

'I don't like her.'

***********************************************************

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are

charged with beating your wife to death with a sp ann er.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter

to death with a sp ann er.' Again, the voice at the back of the

courtroom yelled out, 'You ****ing b*stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and

said,

'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I

will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you

with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen

years lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow

a ****ing sp ann er, he said he didn't have one!'

***********************************************************

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks

in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one,

he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This

happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do

you keep looking in your pocket?' The man replies, 'I have a picture of

my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home.

Edited January 14, 2008 by tom21