some more really old jokes

[sinbinjack 251]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy,

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.

I'm looking for my wife, too.

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.

What does she look like?"

" The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

 

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

 

 

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

 

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

 

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

 

 

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

 

 

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

 

 

 

 

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

 

 

 

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

 

 

 

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful'

 

 

One more. . .!

 

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

A man is driving across the moors early on a winter morning when he runs out of fuel. Looking around he notices a farm with lights on about 1 mile away, so walks down the track and knocks on the door. He waits, but no-one answers.

 

There is a window through which light is spilling nearby so he moves across and looks in. Directly across the room he sees a middle aged lady with her shirt open, hefting a breast in each hand. Off to his left he sees a man with his trousers around his ankles masturbating while holding an open umbrella over his head.

Somewhat shocked at this behaviour, and deciding not to interfere in what he assumes to be some strange sexual ritual, he looks around and notices another farm further along which also has a light showing.

Walking to the second farm the stranded motorist has more luck and the farmer offers to give him a gallon of fuel to get going again. As they walk back to his car the farmer asks him why he did not stop at the first farm to ask for assistance. In an embarrassed voice the motorist describes what he saw.

"Oh that's just Jim and Joan trying to communicate." the farmer informs him. "They are both deaf and dumb, and have invented their own sign language."

"Do you know what they were saying?" asks the curious motorist.

"Oh sure." replied the farmer. "Joan was saying 'Isn't it about time you milked the cows?' and Jim was replying 'Fuck off! It's raining!'"

[riverspot 0]

Oh dear!