Couples

[davebowk 13]

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood it leaves a big f*ckin’ red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.

 

 

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, “I have a headache”.

“Perfect” her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it’s up to you”.

 

 

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, Watch the f*cking wall!””

 

 

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?” The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and Action Man.” Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.” “No,” said the little girl. “She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken”.

 

 

Most married couples mainly argue about two things: sex and money. So agree the price before you start. -----------------

 

 

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he’s pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: “Have you been drinking sir?” “Why?” asks the man, “Was I driving badly?” “No” replies the Officer, “You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious”.

[joekicker 53]

At least three of those are worth stealing. Excellent, best in a long time!

 

.