Monkeywatch - August 2012

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more ferreting around in the files of Fun City. The adventure begins.

 

Pattaya officials have decided it’s high time that they upgraded the city’s disaster alert system, so they’ve decided to buy a louder whistle. And to alert the rural areas, every poultry farmer will be offered a bigger cock.

 

Police raided a local house the other week and arrested the owner after finding 218,400 yabba pills on the premises. The man claimed that he wasn’t a drug dealer and had only bought the tablets because his wife had invited Ozzy Osbourne to dinner.

 

Following the recent prolonged spells of very wet weather, scientists have warned that if climate change isn’t tackled urgently then this problem could occur every year. So they’re telling us that if we don’t stop the climate changing then the climate will stay the same. Yeah, okay.

 

If you get the chance to visit Nong Nooch Tropical Gardens, make sure you don’t miss their outstanding display of fossilised rabbit shit…

 

 

A holidaymaker was arrested earlier this month after a road rage attack on another tourist following a motoring incident in the city. Jedward Filkins, aged 42, admitted attacking 46-year-old Dudley Smallcock with a sawn-off mango, thus illegally engaging in work that could be done by a Thai.

 

A Thai woman reported to the police last week that a man had sexually assaulted her in a bar some two days earlier. When asked why she hadn’t reported the incident earlier, she said she didn’t realise that she’d been assaulted until her bank told her the man’s banknotes were forgeries.

 

Yet another tree cutting exercise has been undertaken on Beach Road to make it a nicer place for tourists. The supervisor in charge of the project said he hoped that the pruning work would decrease prostitution. An original solution, for sure. Perhaps he should take it further and see if he can reduce the city’s drugs problem with a bit of judicious hedge trimming.

 

So where was the Pattaya Motor Show previously held then?…

 

 

On to bar news, and not much in the way of comings and goings to report this month. Papagayo on Soi Diana has opened a Go Go next door to their current gaff, which they have imaginatively named Papa A Go Go. You’ll probably need a magnifying glass to find it though, such is the diminutive extent of its dimensions. We are talking small here. Not enough room to swing a mouse, let alone a pussy. Babydolls manager Ricky has moved on and been replaced with a new manager who isn’t called Ricky. This move is apparently designed to bring the bar into line with the other Go Gos in the area, all of which have managers who aren’t called Ricky.

 

Police were called to a fairground on Third Road last Wednesday after a mass brawl broke out on the site. The organisers have said that this was a one-off incident and the fair is completely safe. We agree, the fair is completely safe. But the visitors are up shit creek.

 

A watchdog group has urged authorities to take action against Pattaya businesses that are stealing electricity. Investigators say that they have already searched several premises but stolen electricity is notoriously difficult to locate, even with the help of sniffer dogs.

 

“Are you sure you dropped it round here?”…

 

 

A couple of ex-convicts were arrested in Jomtien last week after threatening police with a BB gun. One suspects that their ex-convict status might change fairly shortly.

 

An old German bloke collapsed and died last week while reading a note from his long-time Thai girlfriend of two weeks. When questioned by police, the girl said she’d written the note in English but had confused the phrase “sorry for being late” with “my brothers are going to cut your balls off and stuff them in your mouth”.

 

Finally, news has just come in from our Olympic reporter Colin Reptile that Thailand has won a bronze medal in the Freestyle Frog Trampling. Way to go, fellas.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

 

(thanx to Sa-teef for pic 2)

Edited August 5, 2012 by monkeyman