monkeyman

And they're nearly all the exact same value. Funny that, innit?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining the party, and welcome to yet another April shower of Songkran. Guess it’s okay if you like that sort of thing – but then anything’s okay if you like that sort of thing. Police arrested 14 people after a raid on a poker den in East Pattaya. Members of the Pattaya Bridge Club have reportedly gone into hiding. Officers detained a man after reports that he was walking around Pattaya stark bollock naked. He was taken to the local police station and charged with being in possession of an unfeasibly small dick. Well at least they didn’t have to strip-search him, and he couldn’t really plead not guilty given the available evidence. Following a rabies alert, Pattaya tourists have been advised to stay clear of stray dogs and cats. Stray dogs and cats have, on the other hand, been advised to stay clear of Chinese restaurants. An outrageous theft took place on April 1 at Pattaya Police Station when thieves broke in and stole all the WC pans from the bathroom. Police say they’ve got nothing to go on. Tourist have finally found a use for those shower thingies on Beach Road. They’re using them to refill their water guns. Pattaya Amateur Dramatic Society rehearsing their production of ‘The Great Escape’… Questions are being asked about Pattaya’s so-called “quality tourist” strategy after many visitors expressed their doubts about claims that the latest initiative was a success. One visitor remarked “I really don’t think that not having to share your drink with at least three other people qualifies you as a quality tourist.” A Chinese woman was pulled from the sea and rushed to hospital at the north end of Pattaya beach after being spotted floating in the water. At the suggestion that it may have been a suicide attempt by drowning, an onlooker remarked “It’d have been quicker to just drink the stuff”. Officials were reportedly sent to investigate after a tourist was found unconscious on the steps in front of Ripley’s. No, we don’t believe it either. On the evening of March 28, Thailand and the rest of the planet were treated to Earth Hour 2026, when everyone was encouraged to turn off their lights for one hour “to raise awareness of climate change.” A case of ‘the lights are off but there’s somebody at home’, pretty much the polar opposite of the sort of people promoting this kind of pointless virtue signalling. Spring is here at last… Bar news now, and G Spot on Soi Pothole has closed down (probably because nobody could find it.) Big Banana Club is to reopen as Kohinoor Club, perhaps an unfortunate choice of name as there used to be an Indian restaurant called Kohinoor where the food was so bad the customers used to do a runner before they’d even eaten it. Identi A Go Go has also go go gone. Must have had an Identi crisis. And it looks like Champagne A Go Go wasn’t as dead as it seemed as it’s reopened yet again. They should rename it Lazarus A Go Go. Dollhouse, on the other hand, is still promising to reopen but there’s no sign of anything happening. Hopefully positive developments will ensue. A woman was taken to Pattaya hospital after becoming impaled on an iron fence while picking mangoes. Funny, we always thought they grew on trees. Local authorities have apparently come up with four alternative routes to ease traffic congestion during Songkran. Presumably two of them are up and down. A little local history now with a peek back at Monkeywatch in April 2016… “Another Chinese tourist was the victim of a drive-by gold neck chain robbery a couple of weeks ago when, like last month, the victim had the chain snatched from around his neck by a passing motorcyclist. The tourist, a Mr Phat Phuk, was out celebrating his birthday in North Pattaya when he was robbed of the necklace, which he claimed was a Cartier and worth 250,000 baht. A street vendor later told police he’d sold the necklace to Mr Phuk for a mere 500 baht as he hadn’t realised it was so valuable. A seminar and workshop were held last month at a Beach Road hotel aimed at promoting Muslim tourism. Reservations were expressed by some attendees, though there was an enthusiastic response from Indian tailors who are already said to be planning ahead by producing waistcoats with at least 20 pockets. An employee is suspected of being responsible for a Central Road hotel room break-in which an Indian couple were robbed of 40,000 baht and an iPhone 6 …and a dozen Faberge eggs, an original painting by Matisse, the Kohinoor diamond, the Ark of the Covenant and a signed copy of the Koran. Police are making further enquiries before the submission of the insurance claim. The Chonburi Immigration Service has deported a man back to Russia following a request from the Russian Embassy. The man was described as a Russian mobster wanted for corruption, fraud, drugs, prostitution and money laundering. Or, to put it another way, a Russian.” One thinks that Pattaya’s claim to have a beachfront tennis court may be a little exaggerated… After a series of tour bus crashes in Thailand, it’s being reported that foreign tourists in Pattaya are becoming scared of long-distance road travel. They should be more scared of crossing the bloody road. It’s been reported that a German has been beaten on Pattaya Beach. You’d think the Germans would have gotten used to being beaten by now (though not usually by katoeys.) Travellers to Thailand have been warned to stay alert following reports that credit cards are being stolen during flights. One victim got particularly agitated, though it wasn’t entirely surprising as he turned out to be the pilot. Looks like we’ve got to padlock our bloody hand luggage now. Finally, some airlines have announced that passengers playing music on their phones at an annoyingly loud level will be ejected from the plane. Hopefully they won’t wait until it lands. be seeing you monkeyman

No idea I'm afraid.

It seems that it hasn't bitten as much dust as we thought as it's due to reopen on April 2.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once again, and welcome to more mad as a March hare goings on from the city that never peeps – it just looks you straight in the eye then farts in your face. Sophistication, Thai style. Foreign women loitering on Beach Road at night have been questioned by immigration authorities after “complaints by tourists” (yeah, right.) Wonder what questions they were asked? Wouldn’t mind betting that “Do you take it up the shitter?” was in there somewhere. Local businesses have been warned that they face a 15-day closure if they block access to public spaces. On hearing this news, a tourist went to the police station and complained that a bunch of stinking pigs were blocking a narrow Soi in Jomtien and asked for the police to close them down for 15 days. He was told this wasn’t possible, though it was later reported that all the stinking pigs in question had been spotted unconscious in a rubbish skip. Guess he must’ve had a word with them. An Italian chappie escaped punishment after apologising for stealing a golden lion statue from a Thai restaurant while allegedly pissed as a fart. The owner decided not to press charges after the statue was returned. She should’ve given him a wop round the head. This year’s Pattaya Kite Festival was won by a kite modelled on Tom Jones’s willy… A sea turtle has been found dead on Pattaya Beach. Police are treating the death as suspicious and a number of suspects have been questioned. We think the butler did it, though he denies all involvement. Well he would, wouldn’t he? A Chinese tourist was rushed to Pattaya hospital the other week after collapsing on Jomtien Beach. Doctors examined the man and found him to be suffering from an acute case of “pissed as a newt”. Makes a change from yellow fever. Several crew members had to be rescued from the water after a 20-ton squid fishing boat sank just off the coast of a local island. Not surprising really. I mean, what kind of an idiot goes fishing for 20-ton squids? Pattaya has been chosen as the opening location for Thailand’s reboot of Doctor Who… Bar news time, and a new go go called Eve’s Club has opened on LK Metro. Not to be outdone, Walking Street also has a new go go that goes by the name of X Club Pattaya. PH 3.9 A Go Go has closed (it must have failed the acid test), and it looks like Champagne A Go Go has shut down yet again. Shame that. Back in the day, it wasn’t a place where you’d get pissed off – quite the reverse in fact. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. The latest arrival is Maggie May’s A Go Go, the location of which should be fairly obvious. Thailand plans to increase its drive to woo back Chinese tourists with safer and higher-quality tourism, so we can presumably expect the south end of Walking Street to be shut down before too long. The past comes back to haunt us as we look back at some bits and pieces from Monkeywatch in March 2016… “We heard a rumour that the elderly card players arrested recently in Pattaya have moved to the North of Thailand where they intend to spend their time playing bridge on the River Kwai (quite appropriate, as the law used to arrest them dates back to the Japanese occupation during World War Two). We’ve heard another story that, in order to avoid detection, they now don scuba gear and play their tournaments on the river bed, but that’s all bridge under the water now. Meanwhile, it’s been reported that the Chiang Mai Chess Club have started posting lookouts outside their meetings. A squid vendor was arrested the other Friday after being reported to police for molesting his young stepdaughter. He is now being held in police custody on a charge of squiddy fiddling. A restaurant in Jomtien was turned into something resembling the set of a horror movie a couple of weeks back when some Ruskie pissheads started acting like zombies and biting the customers. Christ, it must be a pretty shit restaurant if the customers taste better than the food. Shortly afterwards, a chap went in and asked if he could have a seat for lunch and the waiter punched him in the face. A Thai teenager was arrested by police the other Friday afternoon after he confessed to killing his uncle and burying him in a pig sty. Not a nice way to go, spending your days lying beneath a load of stinking pigs. Ask any Soi 16 bar girl. A Chinese tourist was robbed in Central Pattaya by a bloke on a motorbike who rode by and grabbed a gold chain from round his neck. Police were surprised that the thick chain broke and concluded the thief must have spotted there was a chink in it.” Pattaya’s new tube service hasn’t quite lived up to expectations… A Thai homeowner who always insisted on driving diesel powered cars sort of had his point proved when an e-bike left in his garage exploded in the middle of the night, setting fire to his beloved diesel and burning most of his house down. So much for looking after the environment. Speaking of electric bikes, Pattaya’s Public Health Department field operatives have been issued with half a dozen of the things to use on their public health patrols. Don’t think it’ll do much for their own health – if the car fumes don’t get them then some looney driver most certainly will. Finally, it’s been reported that Thailand’s polishing of its image is having a negative effect on Pattaya. Guess it proves the old adage “You can’t polish a turd.” be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to this year’s St. Valentine’s Day massacre, where love is in the air (apparently.) Well, the New Year has arrived in Pattaya and brought with it new heights of stinking piggery. The malodorous little buggers have been setting up camp sites on the beach and hordes of them have been sleeping there overnight. They complied with officials when they were told to remove their tents but seemed to be somewhat miffed when they found out that they weren’t being moved into four star hotels. Looks like they’ll be heading back to Calais then. It’s been commented that men in Pattaya who wear shorts and no shirts send out the wrong message if they’re trying to impress the ladies. On the other hand, girls who wear no shirts and no shorts are most definitely sending out the right message. As one girl said “Are those elephant pants or are you just pleased to see me?” No idea why she said that. The Pattaya Riviera Group (no, we don’t know either) recently held their 2026 staff party with a theme of “Under the Sea”. Wonder if they got the idea from the Koh Larn Ferry? Can you spot the Chinese tourist on the red and white mat? Not easy is it?.. It’s been reported that a foreign tourist has been found pissed out of his mind outside a convenience store in Jomtien. Well how about that. In other breaking news, a number of grains of sand have been found on the beach. Unbelievable. Scientists have confirmed that bat droppings found in Pattaya pose no health risk to the public. Suppose it might send them bat shit crazy. A man was rushed to a Pattaya hospital after deciding it was would be a good idea to insert a metal ring into his dick. Medics managed to remove the offending ring, though it left the man with severe swelling so maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea after all. The reduction in numbers of Chinese tourists to Pattaya has led to travel companies slightly downsizing their tour buses… Bar news time, and Milk A Go Go is now officially up for sale. Any takers? Elsewhere, Abyss A Go Go is opening on Walking Street and Jisoo A Go Go on Soi 15 has closed, though not many people noticed that it’d opened in the first place. Authorities say they are disappointed that so few visitors to Pattaya have followed their advice to download the POLICE CARE mobile app, which was introduced to help people avoid online scams. However, a survey revealed that people were reluctant to do so as they thought that the app itself was a scam. Sounds like we need another app to identify anti-scam scams. Turn off your minds, relax and float downstream now with a gander at three tales of yore from Monkeywatch in February 2016… “A Go Go dancer was injured last week after being attacked with a corkscrew by a fellow worker outside their bar. Hospital staff were a little confused when told that the injured lady had been screwed half to death, assuming this to be an occupational hazard in her line of work. Chinese tourists have been branded as a bunch of yobbos by their own government after a series of unsavoury incidents in various countries, not least the appalling racket in Suvarnabhumi Airport that was meant to be a collective rendition of their National Anthem but sounded more like a cat sliding down a blackboard. A warning has been issued that further repetitions of this kind of behaviour will result in the miscreants being banned from foreign travel. Wonder if any of the Ruskies fancy a sing song? Following a tip off from ‘an informant’, over 50 police officers raided a senior citizens’ bridge club in South Pattaya, apparently because they thought some kind of gambling was going on. The raid came as something of a surprise to the assortment of British, Irish, Swedish, Norwegian, Dutch, Danish, German, Canadian, Australian and New Zealander club members, as they’ve been holding meeting 3 times a week without let or hindrance since well before the end of the last century. Needless to say, the police found no evidence of gambling (because there wasn’t any) so in a desperate attempt to save face they used a little known 80 year old law forbidding anyone to own more than 120 playing cards as an excuse to arrest all 32 players and cart them off to the local nick, taking the cards and tournament records with them as evidence. The hapless geriatrics were held in custody and interrogated for 12 hours then forced to sign confessions that they’d been gambling (even though they hadn’t) before being released on bail – except for one lady who refused to sign and remained incarcerated. And if that wasn’t enough, it turns out that one of the arrested players was a former Honorary British Consul. The president of Thailand’s bridge league had to get her arse over to Pattaya so she could explain to the police exactly how the game is played. What started out as a little local story found its way onto BBC TV News, then the British national press picked it up, and now it’s gone viral and spread across the entire planet’s media services, once again dragging Thailand’s reputation through the mire and making it the laughing stock of the world. Mongers of Pattaya rejoice – a few more incidents like this and you’ll have the place to yourselves.” A Walking Street club has removed a notice from the front of its premises after accusations of discrimination against farang women… Beer bars and massage parlours are said to be unhappy with the levels of spending in their establishments even though tourist numbers are on the up. Some are blaming “cautious consumer spending” while others are blaming “tight-fisted tossers”. Just two ways of saying the same thing really. Pattaya Tourist Police have been making sure that people boarding boats to Koh Larn are equipped with life jackets. Perhaps when the next rainy season arrives they could offer the same service to people on Walking Street. Yet more fake monks have been discovered in Pattaya, this time in the Soi Buakhao area where they were seen touting for donations. They were detained after irregularities were found in their monk identification documents and were then taken to a temple where they were formally disrobed. So how can you formally disrobe a fake monk then? Finally, a chemical lab linked to Chinese nationals has been found in Pattaya. A spokesman said “For all we know, these nasty little yellow buggers may have been trying to start a new pandemic.” Covid 2? Let’s hope not – sequels are never as good as the original. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a big showaddy crap to 2026, and welcome to another year of the Pattaya doom loop. Prices up, tourists down, bar girls older than the punters, stinking pigs everywhere, a 12 month a year rainy season and a no month a year high season. But otherwise okay. Well, the Christmas period in Pattaya was rudely interrupted by the arrival of a cruise liner carrying over 2500 people. Now as we all know, the main characteristic of these ships is that they tend to be populated by the most appalling scum that ever dragged their knuckles across the face of the planet and this one was clearly no exception. They went through the city like a plague of locusts eating, drinking and smashing anything they could lay their clammy hands on, and left the place looking like a building site. Well okay, it looked like a building site before they arrived but that’s no excuse for their excremental behaviour. Makes you appreciate how well the regular tourists behave. No, hang on a minute… Pattaya’s new smart pedestrian crossing didn’t get off to a great start when the mayor was nearly hit by a truck that failed to stop at the red light. The truck driver said he saw the lights but thought they were advertising something. Polish Airlines has massively increased the number of its flights to Thailand so we can expect to see an increase in pole dancing in the not too distant future. Well it’s an improvement on bouncing turbans. This sign must have been inspired by the opening titles of Fawlty Towers… The local authorities have come up with a solution to complaints about the bad air quality on Beach Road. They’ve removed the air pollution monitor. There you go, job done. A 14 year old Thai lad riding a motorcycle had a bit of a surprise when a low hanging internet cable wrapped itself round his neck and pulled him off his bike, which then careered into a grilled chicken shop. The boy was only slightly hurt but the grilled chickens were decimated. Strangely, nobody seems to have noticed that the boy was too young to ride a motorcycle anyway. There’s no bloody justice. A Thai bloke had to be rescued by authorities after he drove his car onto a railway track and squashed a cat. When asked to explain his behaviour he tried to blame it on the cat but the onlookers generally agreed that the more likely explanation was the fact that he was pissed out of his mind. The latest batch of quality tourists have just been dropped off on Beach Road… Bar news now, and Penthouse A Go Go has reached the end of the road. Funny that, as it started out somewhere in the middle. Anyway, it’s now reopened as Big Banana Club so you’ll probably have to enter via the back passage. The old Secrets premises is to reopen once again, this time as Rio Gentlemen’s Club. We also have a new arrival on LK Metro going by the name of Privacy Club, possibly indicative of the number of customers they’re likely to get. Soi Diamond has a new club called Dreams Fantasy 1 which is situated in the old Heaven Above premises. A new rooftop gentlemen’s club is apparently on the way. It’ll be on the top floor of a hotel and is to be named The Flying Club so it’s probably a good idea to keep looking upwards if you’re walking past the place. A family living in Nongprue were somewhat surprised when a car ploughed into their house and smashed its way into the bathroom area. The house owner said was woken by a massive bang but couldn’t get out of his bedroom because a car was blocking the door. He went on to say that he’d lived there for 15 years and had never experienced anything like this before. Strangely, neither had any of his neighbours. Look forward to the past now as we revisit some unlikely tales from Monkeywatch in January 2016… “In a surprise move, Pattaya and Bangkok police carried out raids on two Ruskie Go Go Bars last week, resulting in the arrest of several dancers and punters. The owner of one of the bars, a Mr Lucky Lucianovich, protested that he was a legitimate businessman and demanded to know why the police were arresting his ballerinas and art loving clientele. He added that he would be complaining to the Minister for Culture until police informed him that the Minister had been found hiding under a table during the raid on the other bar. A chap was arrested by Pattaya police last Friday after being caught stealing women’s underwear from a washing line. When questioned, he claimed his name was Arnold Layne and he’d been planning to take a trip on the Trans-Siberian Express but didn’t have anything to wear. He apologised for his actions and said he’ll now go on the normal Siberian Express instead. Bali Hai was in the news yet again the other Wednesday when one of the Koh Larn ferries was incinerated in a mystery blaze while moored in the port. Unusually for a Koh Larn ferry, it didn’t actually sink – it just set fire to two other Koh Larn ferries that both sank instead. The following Wednesday, the Chief of Banglamung District turned up at Bali Hai to launch the New Year Marine Safety Campaign for Pattaya. Yeah, right. One thing the campaign will focus on is checks on the use of life jackets. One suspects that they may be used quite a lot.” Rumour is that the more affluent Indian tourists are beginning to arrive… It’s been confirmed that a man in Jomtien threatened tourists with a knife after it was incorrectly reported that he’d threatened them with a jelly. That’s Google Translate for you. Pattaya is to add 200 more CCTV cameras to its surveillance system. When asked if this would help to reduce crime, an official said “No, but it’ll give us loads more stuff to put on TikTok.” Finally, a Belgian man was seriously injured after falling from the 7th floor of a Pattaya hotel. A witness said the man seemed to have been knocked off his balcony by a Chinese man who’d fallen from the 12th floor. Looks like synchronised plummeting could be this year’s thing. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to a cool yule, and welcome to the Christmas edition of Monkeywatch – which is the same as all the others. Humbug. Walking Street seems to be something of a talking point at the moment as city leaders wrestle with the street’s rapid decline in popularity with international tourists who now refer to it using names like Little India, Mumbai Village and George Foreman – oh sorry, that should be Mohammed Alley. Mind you, there are other points of contention too, like rip-off prices for drinks and ladies, and touts selling tickets to ping-pong shows that turn out to be table tennis matches. Anyway, while the city officials are insistent that Walking Street can be revived, they seem to have bugger all idea of how to do it. Maybe that idyllic artist’s impression of a future look for the Walking Street area that they commissioned a few years ago could be the solution? Nah, only kidding. Rescuers pulled 12 people out of Pattaya Bay after the fishing vessel they were travelling in sank off the coast of Koh Larn. The victims said they were going to visit Koh Larn but didn’t want to use the ferry as “they’d heard it wasn’t safe.” Good job they weren’t taking the ferry to Koh Kood as that one sank as well. Police received a complaint from some residents in Pattaya after 1.14 million baht of their money went missing. They probably got their pockets picked by ladyboys on Beach Road. Still, it makes a change from 50,000 baht gold necklaces. Now here’s something you don’t see every day… Motorcycle accidents are of course common in Pattaya, but rather less usual was a case the other week of a motorcyclist who actually died while he was riding along on his bike. The bike predictably crashed and a girl who was riding astride the petrol tank was injured. She must be what they call a tank slapper. A bar host caused a huge traffic jam in Naklua when he passed out at the wheel of his car. Authorities moved his car off the road and took him to the police station where the police doctor examined him and concluded that his condition was caused by him being ‘pissed as a fart.’ Minor injuries were sustained by a drunken woman after she collided with a parked car in East Pattaya. Police observed that the accident could have been far worse if she’d been driving a vehicle at the time. Yeah, sure… Bar news time, and it looks like Milk has gone sour and bitten the dust once again. We have some new places open though. Eden A Go Go has opened on Walking Street, and we also have Spicy Saparot A Go Go on LK Metro and Heat Lounge A Go Go on Soi Lengkee. An American was injured after he plummeted from a second floor balcony in South Pattaya. Reports that he was in training for the so-called Pattaya Flying Club have been dismissed. Meet the Ghost of Christmas Past now with a bumper rummage into the Santa sack of Monkeywatch in December 2015… “The discussions about enforcing the ban on bars in Pattaya being situated within 300 metres of all educational establishments (or 500 metres depending on who you listen to) have been adjourned with no agreement reached. Shame, as we thought this ban was a good idea. There’s nothing worse than the sound of noisy kids when you’re having a short-time in the afternoon. It’s been said that a ban could close many bars in Pattaya, even extending to Walking Street, but they clearly overlooked a much more satisfactory way of complying with such regulations. Close all the feckin’ schools. Pattaya is on a heightened state of alert following reports that two members of so-called Islamic Stinking Pig are on their way to the city in order to blow everybody on Walking Street to buggery. In response to this, police apprehended one Muslim and carried out a controlled explosion on what they thought was a stick of explosive in his trousers but turned out to be his penis. Oh well, at least some good came out of it. Don’t suppose he’ll have the balls to try anything now. A Thai village chief is being commended after handing in a bag containing over $6,000 which he found next to a swimming pool in a Pattaya hotel. Police described the man as ‘a model public spirited citizen’, while his wife described him as ‘a dickhead’. Thailand is supporting this year’s International Anti-Corruption Day with the motto “Transparent Thailand”. Presumably because everybody will see through it in an instant.” A new Indian restaurant. Just what we need… Pattaya officials are looking to develop what they call “creative nightlife tourism.” Funny that, as all the bars that tried something like this in the past had a three year closure order slapped on them. A tourist who was reported missing after he told his friends he was going potholing has been found in a short-time room in Soi Chaiyapoon. An Immigration Police raid on a so-called safe house in Pattaya resulted in the arrest of 17 Indian nationals, most of whom were found to have overstayed their visas. Wasn’t too safe for them, was it? Also found was a small bottle of beer and 17 straws. Some say that Indians have saved Pattaya as tourist numbers from other countries have dropped dramatically, while others say that Indians are the reason why the other tourists stopped coming in the first place. Hang on, isn’t this where we came in? Well, that’s it for another year. Wasn’t very Christmassy was it? Wishing you all a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. be seeing you monkeyman

Just out of curiosity, does anyone know what that galleon in the photo is doing off the coast of Pattaya? Photo taken on Beach Road in late September.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us, and welcome to the month of Loy Krathong, or whatever else floats your boat. Looking at the state of some of the young blokes wandering around Pattaya, you have to wonder if their hairdressers and their tailors are competing with each other for some kind of comedy award. A Pakistani DJ working in Pattaya was given a right good kicking by a group of food delivery riders on South Pattaya Road who accused him of causing trouble. Anyone who’s heard Pakistani music would no doubt say “guilty as charged.” A Ukrainian chappie is in hospital after he sprayed mosquito repellent on a ladyboy and was then stabbed by the victim. Police noted that he had previously been arrested for spraying cockroach repellent on a group of Muslims, though there was no mention as to whether or not it worked. Officials enforcing the ban on driving vehicles on Pattaya Beach seem to have missed this one… Counterfeit goods have always been around in Pattaya but now we also have a counterfeit monk. The fellow in question had also set up a counterfeit temple and was obtaining money by deception. He was taken by the authorities to a local temple where the abbot ordered him to remove his robes. He was then arrested for indecent exposure and taken to the local police station. Oh well, all’s well that ends well. A German tourist was injured after he fell down a drain in central Pattaya. Makes a change – last time the local authorities cleaned out the drainage system the only people they found down there were Russians. Topless bathing was taken to a new level when the bottom half of a body was found floating in the water off the coast of Pattaya. The remains have been sent to forensic experts for investigation into the cause of death. One suspects that being sliced in half might be a strong contender. Looks like Pattaya’s green credentials are slipping a little… Bar news now, and the Maggie May Beer Garden is now up and running, though not all the bars are open yet and some of the more interesting features are yet to be installed. Let’s wait and see how it pans out. A teenage Thai was shot dead in East Pattaya after following a group of youths to settle a dispute. This is generally accepted to be the Thai version of arbitration. Time for times gone by with a look back a couple of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in November 2015… “The local Tourism Authority office has reported that Chinese tourists continue to flock to Koh Larn despite the various ghastly fates that have befallen many of their fellow countrymen while visiting the Land of Smiles. A representative from Zero Coin Tours, a popular Chinese travel company, said “They seemed to be okay with the bombings, rapes and decapitations, so we thought we’d give shipwrecks a go.” Unfortunately, he said it in Chinese and it got translated as “There’s a purple emu urinating on my rubber chicken”. Must be what they mean by Chinese whispers. There’s been some discussion recently where it’s been postulated that the GFE or girlfriend experience is no longer readily available in Patts. Really? We were reading only the other day about a chap who took a girl to his room where she refused to have sex with him, then smashed a bottle over his head and took his money, phone and motorcycle. Now that’s a real GFE for you.” Pattaya officials insist that no pirated goods are being shipped into the city… An Indian tourist reported to police that his 70,000 baht gold necklace was stolen by two ladyboys and, well, you’ve heard it all before. Concerns were raised that this sort of thing damages Pattaya’s reputation as a safe, world-class holiday resort. So where did this reputation come from exactly? It’s being reported that the girls in Pattaya are turning more and more to Japanese, Korean and Chinese men because they are more generous with their spending than Europeans. The fact that their dicks aren’t visible to the naked eye probably helps as well. And remember, in Pattaya the definition of style is barfining a showgirl when you can’t find your bottle opener. be seeing you monkeyman

Thanks for the update. With a name like that I was expecting some kind of restaurant. Wonder what they do with those pineapples?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once again, and welcome to this month’s delve into our bag of unsavoury snacks. Police were called to a massage shop after a Chinese quality tourist refused to stop filming inside the premises. It turned out that the little bugger wasn’t even a customer. The police removed the man after the staff had given him a free lower intestine massage with a toilet brush. A Pattaya hotel has apparently distributed 800 survival kits to less well-off residents of the city. So what’s a survival kit then? An ounce of weed and a six-pack? There was an article published recently discussing the transport options in Pattaya for senior foreign tourists. Strangely, hearse wasn’t on the list. Well at least it’s a step up from Indians and Chinese… Now Thailand has officially recognised poker as a sport, hopes are growing that card games in general with be looked at more favourably, which could lead to members of the Pattaya Bridge Club having their life sentences commuted. Pattaya has begun installing crosswalk lights to help pedestrians cross the roads in busy areas. Basically, it works like this. When pedestrians arrive at the crossing they press a button and wait for the signal to say it’s safe to cross the road. They then believe this and so step into the road and immediately get run over by a speeding baht bus. Regular visitors to Pattaya know that there’s only one rule to follow when crossing the road. Look left, right, up and down. Teams of Pattaya workers have been spending weekends clearing blockages from the local drainage system. Probably clogged up with dead Russians like last time. Thai smoking shelters sure are expensive… Bar news now, and Cheetah A Go Go on LK Metro seems to be turning into Spicy Saparot, though what manner of establishment it will be remains to be seen. The Maggie May’s beer bar complex should be open by the beginning of November and promises to offer a new beer bar experience. The concept sounds interesting – let’s wait and see. It’s not difficult to see why Mr Bean is so popular in Thailand, given that their home grown comedy basically consists of swanee whistles, arse kicking and nose tweaking. By comparison, Mr Bean is positively highbrow. Into reverse gear now as we look back at a couple of dubious goings-on from Monkeywatch in October 2015… “Miss Thailand is to pay homage to her country at the Miss Universe 2015 pageant when she plans to appear dressed as a tuk-tuk. She did however make it clear that anyone expecting a ride for 10 baht was likely to be disappointed. It’s been reported that Thai girls like men who shave down below and are particularly partial to blokes with Brazilians. Not true. I showed a group of Thai birds a photo of me standing between Pele and Felipe Massa and they weren’t impressed at all.” Tourists who pay touts for a ping-pong show usually end up here… People who ask why Indian tourists walk side by side have obviously never walked behind one in a headwind. Visitors to Jomtien Beach have noticed a strange darkening of the seawater in the area. No official explanation of this phenomenon has been forthcoming, though some have suggested that it may have something to do with the new breed of quality tourists swimming there. It’s been reported that an Indian tourist has died at a South Pattaya hotel after an attempted suicide. Attempted? One wonders what he would have needed to do to be deemed to have been successful. Finally, following reports from amazed onlookers at Terminal 21, an elephant and its mahout have been banned from selling sugarcane in Pattaya. Don’t supposed the elephant’s too bothered. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for stopping by, and welcome to another gander at all things Pattaya. As the renowned philosopher Steven Tyler once said, “Nothing exceeds like excess.” On with the show. Well, the spiffy new 3D sign at the entrance to Walking Street is finally up and running and tourists can be seen admiring it as they pass by on their way to somewhere else. One tourist remarked “It makes you feel like you’re in a world-class tourist resort – as long as you don’t look anywhere else.” A restaurant owner on Walking Street has been fined for dumping his waste in a public drain. Why couldn’t he just go to the toilet like normal people? Police had to intervene in a dispute on Beach Road between a woman and an Indian quality tourist after he grabbed her tits to see if he was going to get his money’s worth. He decided he wasn’t, at which point she kicked off and a small crowd gathered to watch the evening’s entertainment. However, the situation was resolved by the police, the woman went on her way and the Indian was ordered to attend a lecture on social etiquette. We understand these lectures normally take place behind the police station and involve the liberal use of batons. A new football game has been designed in Thailand for use by Chinese tour groups… Police were called to another incident at Pattaya Beach when two Chinese tourists were injured after crashing their jet skis into each other. Emergency responders were called but their services were not required as the jet skis were found to have suffered only minor damage. Tourists worried about their safety have been reassured by the authorities that Pattaya is a safe place to be. A representative admitted that there had been a gunfight in Jomtien but added that the bullets had all missed holidaymakers – well, most of them anyway. Koh Larn has just opened a new waste incinerator to get rid of their garbage problem. Interestingly, it’s been noted that since the plant opened the ferries seem to be returning from the island without any passengers. The downsizing plan for U-Tapau Airport has been rejected by officials after they were shown the proposed new layout… Time for very little bar news, and Le Pub a Go Go is now up and running, though everyone presumably knows already. The new Maggie Mays beer bar complex looks like it’ll need a big push to be ready for its November 1 opening date. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see. It’s reckoned in some quarters that Pattaya has too many Indian restaurants. This may be true but it’ll only be a temporary problem as TAT are doing their best to make sure they’re all full up. Reminiscences of a bygone age now as we sneak a cheeky glance over our shoulders at Monkeywatch in September 2015… “The decision by Bamboo Bar to increase toilet charges from 3 to 5 baht still seems to be a hot potato. Though it may seem trivial to some, we should be mindful of the fact that the average Bamboo Bar punter has to take a piss every five minutes. Security in Pattaya has been tightened since the shenanigans in Bangkok and as early as the next day police were seen checking under cars in Walking Street using mirrors on sticks. These devices have been used in Walking Street before, but mainly during raids on Go Go bars to check if the girls were wearing underwear. A meeting was held in North Pattaya last week to discuss how to raise the standard of the city’s baht bus drivers. Points raised included rudeness, overcharging passengers and bad parking. The drivers said they did these things already but would endeavour do them even better in future.” Pattaya is always ready to provide accommodation for the more discerning quality tourist… It seems that Pattaya needs more foreign tourists to bolster its ailing alcohol market. Not sure that the current plan to flood the city with Indians will improve the situation any. Why don’t they encourage Brits to come instead? A dozen should be more than enough. It’s been announced that the mayor is considering a new boat drop-off point for the elderly. So not satisfied with arresting the elderly for playing bridge they now want to drop them off boats as well. A Chinese tourist caused a bit of a stir after climbing onto the balcony of his 26th floor hotel room and threatening to jump off. Rescue teams eventually persuaded him to come down so the whoopee cushion they’d put on the ground to break his fall wasn’t needed after all. It seems that some visitors do actually approve of Pattaya Beach’s ‘no deckchair’ days. Presumably these are the visitors who don’t mind standing up all day because all the seats on Beach Road have long since been taken away. A number of Chinese and Korean tourists were arrested in East Pattaya after a raid on an illegal poker den. No elderly expat bridge players are thought to have been involved. Finally, a word of advice. If you go into a Japanese cocktail bar while in Pattaya, be sure you order a B-52 and not a B-19. Sayonara. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to the height of summer, and to the floods that come with it these days. You’ll probably get better weather at home. The latest establishment in Pattaya to burn to the ground is Catflaps in Pratumnak, which met its demise due to “a faulty bug zapper.” When police visited the premises belonging to the vendor of the offending item, they were told “It wasn’t faulty. It killed all the bugs, didn’t it?” A small group of Koreans had an expensive night out in a Naklua restaurant when they were presented with a bill for 100,000 baht. This may seem a little on the expensive side, though the figure became inflated somewhat after the group members had a small difference of opinion which ended up in a mass brawl that completely trashed the premises. Wonder if they left a tip? Pattaya Police are to start issuing substantial fines for helmet violations, so if anybody violates your helmet you should get down to the local cop shop pronto. Pattaya residents have been complaining to local officials that the theft of sand from the beaches is getting out of hand… Apparently, Thailand is fighting to win back Chinese tourists. Let’s hope it gets knocked out in the first round. A Thai woman has been arrested for allegedly having sex with nine monks then using 80,000 covertly obtained videos and photos of their antics to blackmail the hapless fellows into handing over 385 million baht in the last three years. However, one question that nobody seems to be asking is how in the name of Satan’s trousers did nine monks come up with that kind of money. Enquiring minds need to know. Some tourists have said that the reason they keep coming back to the same bars in Pattaya is that the girls talk to them and call them by name. Suppose this could be good or bad depending on what sort of names they call them. Whatever happened to all the really useful signs that you used to see around Pattaya?.. Bar news time, and Walking Street has yet another new addition, namely Atmos a Go Go. It replaces Glass House, which set the bar in terms of entertainment at a level that a limbo dancer would have had trouble getting underneath. Le Pub is set to expand its brief to incorporate Le Pub a Go Go into the same premises. Don’t suppose they’ll need many customers to fill the place up. The latest wave of Indian tourists to arrive in Pattaya apparently contain members of their ‘middle-class’. As far as we can make out, these are the ones who can afford their own room in a backstreet doss house without having to share it with a dozen or more of their compatriots. The social climbers are on the move. Fade into the mists of time now as we drift back to the heady days of Monkeywatch in August 2015… “The government have announced a new booze ban starting this month that prohibits the sale of alcohol within 300 metres of all educational establishments. The reason given for this is to “curtail underage drinking and the scourge of student violence”. Well, that should work just fine - except with the ones who can walk 300 metres. A sausage vendor turned up at the local nick last week claiming that a man, who he described as “a stinking pig”, had swindled him out of 1000 baht in Soi 6 by giving him a note he later realised to be play money (he must have had a monopoly in the area.) Acting on the man’s description, police went to Walking Street and arrested everybody in Soi 16. The Workability Asia conference 2015 was held in the Pattaya Hilton on July 8-10 where the main theme was the spotlighting of disabled people in Asia. The idea has now been abandoned as disabled people said they didn’t like being fitted with spotlights. Ungrateful bastards. Local immigration officials have been taking lessons on how to better identify foreign criminals. They were told to look out for criminals who aren’t Thais.” If you visit Nong Nooch, be sure not to miss the display of fossilised elephant shit… The Minister for Tourism recently visited Walking Street, promising more support for tourism and tourist safety. Hopefully the “tourist safety” bit won’t involve police smashing their way into bars, forcing tourists to piss into a bucket then throwing them out on the street like it usually does. Much has been written about the purpose of TAT’s new “Value over Volume” policy. Basically the bottom line is “quality tourists in, stinking pigs out.” Trouble is, this ‘new’ strategy has been tried at least a dozen times before, and we’ve all seen the results of that. It’ll be back to stinking pigs in a few months. Finally, police are telling Thai women to “stay assertive” when dealing with men they’ve just met as they may not be as friendly as they seem, so next time you offer a bar girl a drink don’t be surprised if she responds by giving you a kick in the bollocks. be seeing you monkeyman

I was thinking that most people wouldn't know about the vinegar remedy (I didn't) so a company selling the stuff might want to encourage tourists to buy a bottle. Perhaps the joke was a little too obscure.