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monkeyman

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monkeyman last won the day on March 16

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  1. It's possible, though I don't recall this being a problem in the past, not even for military coups.
  2. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more stories from the Naked City. Only kidding, officer – honest. The big news this month is that Thailand is planning to welcome good old Johnny Foreigner back to its bosom by lifting all Covid restrictions in October. Just think, you’ll be able to invite a young lady to your room without having to obtain written permission from the police and the local hospital, and go to bed without wearing hazmat suits. Sounds too good to be true – and if something sounds too good to be true… Meanwhile, there’s a novel idea being floated at the moment to help bring tourists back to Pattaya immediately – designate the whole place as a quarantine zone. So you’ll be able to spend your 14 days quarantine in Fun City without being confined to your hotel room, though under the current restrictions there isn’t much point going out anyway. Perhaps the bars should start offering a service where you can order a girl online and have her delivered to your door. No, on second thoughts, it might turn out like supermarkets – if they haven’t got what you ordered, they send you any load of old crap. A Chonburi man has been drowned while rowing in a local canal. Well he sure as hell isn’t the first bloke in Thailand to get out of his depth with a couple of oars. A local street vendor has stopped selling his own brand of spring water after disappointing sales… The boys in brown have predictably been making a nuisance of themselves yet again, jackbooting their way round Pattaya to enforce the midnight closing times. Actually, must be bloody difficult for them to tell whether most of the bars are open or closed. Anyway, they didn’t find anything untoward so, not being ones for choosing soft targets, they went off to raid a few over-60s bridge evenings. That should be good for a few lengthy custodial sentences. They also decided to try their hand at busting a Thai nightclub for allegedly putting on “lewd shows”. Haven’t heard that old chestnut in a coo… sorry, person of colour’s age. Once again they didn’t find anything, so they arrested the owner anyway and fitted him up with some trumped up charge about permits or something. The police said they were tipped off by an anonymous source, to which the bar owner replied “That’s funny, so was I.” Looks like Songkran has been given the go ahead for this year, though there may be a few new restrictions to keep people safe in the current exceptional circumstances. Like no water throwing for instance. That’s rather like having a blue movie with no sex in it. It’s been reported that Batman has finally hung up his cape and plans to reopen his Pattaya nightclub… Bar news now, and Sugar Sugar is the latest venue to dip its toe back in the water having reopened last week, as has Pulse A Go Go. Stones House is also making a welcome comeback. More please. There’s been a story in the local press about a Scotsman who reckons that, despite the current restrictions, Pattaya is “heaven”– though somebody remarked that if you come from Scotland then that could be true of just about anywhere. Let’s get nostalgic for pre-pandemic days now with a pair of yarns from Monkeywatch in March 2011… “A bloke was shot twice the other night after trying to leave a karaoke bar without paying his tab for the two rounds of shooters he’d bought for himself and his cronies. The owner explained it was a rule of the house that if you didn’t pay up for a couple of rounds of shots then you got shot with a couple of rounds. Police were called to a Soi Buakhao karaoke bar last week after an elderly British tourist collapsed and died during his turn on the karaoke machine. The cause of death has not yet been established, but as the man was reported to have been singing a Bee Gees number at the time of his demise it has been speculated that he may have been asphyxiated by his trousers.” Pattaya is celebrating the anniversary of this tree, which was planted to welcome Chinese tourists… A “sea walker” has been arrested for operating without a licence after being photographed off the coast of Koh Larn. The man, who hasn’t yet been named, was warned by police that the penalty for this offence could be severe, citing the historic case of a man who was arrested for walking on the Sea of Galilee and who ended up being nailed to a plank of wood. City Hall has received several complaints about the large number of beggars on Walking Street. This is believed to be the new profession being pursued by people who invested their life savings in get-rich-quick bar owning schemes. It’s not all bad news for business though, as cannabis restaurants seem to be opening up all over the place. Perhaps one of them should take over the old Stone Oven on Beach Road – they’d only need to add one letter to the sign. We’ve heard one of the English pubs is also reopening, though the new owner decided against calling it The Greyhound in case Korean tourists mistook it for a fast food restaurant. Well you won’t get much faster than that. be seeing you monkeyman
  3. Shit, my dad never used to give me that much pocket money. Miserable old scrote.
  4. Harry said his dad wouldn't answer his calls, so nothing to do with Prince Charles.
  5. Is this the bloke who won't answer Harry's phone calls?
  6. Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying us another visit, and welcome to another disease-ridden glance around (used to be) Fun City. Thailand has now developed its own Covid vaccine and trials will begin next month. First tests will be carried out on migrant workers, and if these prove to be safe then the next round of tests will be conducted on animals. Finally, they’ll be carrying out tests on Thais in three phases, the last of which is not expected to conclude until well into next year. Guess the Thais will have to endure having foreign muck shot into their arms until then. What a bunch of bloody jabsworths. The lockdown in Pattaya has now ended for domestic tourists and the authorities have come up with a wizard wheeze that they’ve called “Check in Chon Buri Free 500” for some unfathomable reason. The way it works is that tourists booking hotel rooms will receive a 100 baht voucher that can be used in 130 restaurants and tourist spots. So that’s about 77 satang per venue then. These guys really need the foreign tourists back. A Thai man who attempted a suicide jump from a Pattaya highway bridge was saved from a grisly end on the road below after rescuers successfully positioned a tank of water underneath him to break his fall. Pity they didn’t ask him if he could swim. This social distancing malarkey is getting seriously out of hand… A bar in Jomtien has been offering a service called Free Food Friday to help people who are starving. This really needs to be followed by Free Sex Saturday to help people deal with a different kind of starvation. Lovely jub jubbly. A survey recently carried out by UK health authorities has named Bangkok as the 13th healthiest city in the world. Presumably they gathered their data without actually visiting the city. Perhaps the next time they open their mouths they should do it in Bangkok after trying to breathe in first. Thai medical authorities have rejected the idea of a “vaccine passport” as they say that no one knows if the vaccines are 100 percent effective in preventing the virus. Actually, everyone knows that they aren’t, so they basically seem to be saying that quarantine restrictions will last forever. You’ll probably be better off going on holiday to somewhere like Fort Knox – it’ll be easier to get in. Pandemic budget cuts continue with a minor downsizing of Soi 9 Police Station… Bars news now, and it looks like Tahitian Queen will not be closing after all, having been rescued by crowd funding. Watch out dudes, they’ll all be after your money now. Another long standing Go Go has, however, fared less well. Far East Rock 2 has closed and looks unlikely to be coming back as all the fixtures and fittings have been removed and taken away. The mayor of Pattaya has come up with a spiffing new idea to enhance Walking Street – he wants to put a roof on it. Well it might come in handy during the rainy season, but you also have to consider the build-up of heat and the combined aromas of junk food, stale cigarette smoke and stinking pigs, at which point the idea seems rather less attractive. Even more hazardous would be the build-up of farts. If somebody struck a match on a busy night the place would go up like the bloody Hindenburg. Maybe a better idea would be to build a dome over the whole of Thailand and install aircon. Maybe an even better idea would be to forget the whole sodding thing. Time for our monthly Pattaya history lesson now with a look back at a couple of examples of life in the Monkeywatch of February 2011… “Following reports of increasing organised crime activity and violence in Pattaya, the boys in brown took decisive action by assembling 350 officers and carrying out a raid on Soi 6. They later explained to irate bar owners that the raid was necessary because they were concerned that drugs might be sold to unsuspecting tourists. So how do you sell drugs to someone without them suspecting? Undaunted, the local constabulary continued to perpetuate Pattaya’s image as a war zone with further raids, this time on Soi Pattayaland 1, otherwise known as Poof Alley, and Soi Pattayaland 2, otherwise known as…er…Poof Alley. This was all apparently to rid the streets of crime prior to the Chinese New Year celebrations, for which a brand new crime wave has presumably been planned.” We never do… How many Thais does it take to change a light bulb? Well two apparently, the second one being needed to replace the bulb after the first one manages to electrocute himself. Thus it was in the case of a Thai chappie who undertook this relatively innocuous task while his wife was washing the dishes. She heard a strangled cry and rushed into the room to find that her husband was lying on the floor and her marital status had changed to widow. She told rescue workers that the accident may have had something to do with the fact that “the light bulb was not a standard installation.” Ah yes, I think we get the picture now. A gay rights group is doing its bit to help out during the pandemic by running a food truck that sells meals for as little as 10 baht. Customers can choose from delicacies such as fairy cakes, puff pastry and uphill garden peas. The event is being run by a Mr Brian Hatter, managing director of local firm R. Spandett and Co. Police made over 70 arrests after raiding a Thai bar in South Pattaya during the early hours of the morning. The bar owner was charged with opening outside legal hours, running a bar without a licence, selling booze without a permit and not having the correct permit for the building. He told police “Well if you’re going to split hairs I’m pissing off”, at which point he legged it down to Bali Hai Pier, jumped off and was last seen swimming towards international waters. Must be lockdown fever. Silly bugger. Finally, Pattaya golfers have been avidly watching the news for updates on the Tiger Woods car crash. The cause of the accident isn’t known yet, though a police officer at the scene told reporters that there was no sign of any skid marks. Guess they haven’t checked his boxers yet. be seeing you monkeyman
  7. Greetings Monkeywatchers, welcome back, and showaddy crap to a brand new year of Covid riddled crap. Why do we bother? Well actually, we don’t. A Thai motorcycle rider met his maker last week after crashing into the back of a truck. The police haven’t yet been able to establish his identify, though a spokesman said “We hope to identify him from dental records as soon as we can prise his teeth out of the truck.” A Nigerian chap has been arrested for overstaying his 60 day tourist visa by 7 years. On his arrest, the man said “Man, is my 60 days up already? Don’t time fly when you’re having fun?” The police reply isn’t on record, though we believe it to be a quote from an old lady in the film Blazing Saddles. A sauna in Jomtien has temporarily changed itself into a restaurant in an attempt to survive the new Covid-19 restrictions. The place certainly seems to be very popular, with several customers saying they particularly recommend the cream pies. Well didn’t they always? Pandemic budget cuts have forced the mayor to downgrade his limousine… A Thai woman amazingly survived after jumping from a 7th floor condo following an argument. The bloke she landed on was killed stone dead though. There’s a moral in there somewhere, but we’re buggered if we can find it. Not to be outdone, a Swede (person from Sweden, not large vegetable) went one better and plummeted from the 8th floor of a condo block in Jomtien. He unamazingly didn’t survive. What a difference a floor makes. Reminds us of the old Thai woman who wouldn’t get out of bed because she said she was afraid of the floor. A psychiatrist asked her why she wasn’t afraid of something more dangerous like heights, to which she replied “It isn’t heights that kill you, it’s the floor that does that.” A Pattaya motorbike taxi driver has started selling fish, eggs and vegetables to try to make a living during the latest round of restrictions. Must be bloody uncomfortable for his passengers. Pattaya has finally jumped on the bandwagon and opened its first laser penis-whitening clinic… Bar news now, and as most of you probably know already, Pattaya’s oldest go go bar, the legendary Tahitian Queen, has finally closed its doors after 42 years. Perhaps they should’ve tried oiling the hinges. They seem to have started a trend though, as all the other bars have closed down again as well. Firefighters were called to Second Road the other night after an Indian restaurant was reported to be ablaze. Despite three fire engines turning up to tackle the fire, the premises were burned to the ground. The cause of the blaze has not yet been determined, though we understand that several local restaurant critics are helping the police with their enquiries. Time for all our yesterdays with a trilogy of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in January 2011… “Five Thai men were detained by police last weekend after attempting to bundle a Norwegian man into their car on Second Road. A police spokesman said that street thefts of this sort were becoming more and more common in Pattaya and advised holidaymakers going out for the evening to leave their expensive jewellery and Norwegians in their hotel rooms. A young local chappie claiming to be a Police Volunteer was arrested the other Monday after approaching a Thai couple on Pattaya Beach. He had demanded that they hand over her bag and his ID card for inspection but instead they phoned the real police and he was apprehended shortly afterwards. The couple said they had become suspicious of the man as he hadn’t assaulted them or demanded cash in the traditional time-honoured fashion. A local school’s plan for a ceremony to ordain up to 350 girls as Buddhist nuns didn’t quite live up to expectations when no one turned up. Maybe the girls have another career path in mind?” Pattaya Police are having a crackdown on underground casinos. Think we might have found one of them… City Hall officials have announced that they plan to clean up Walking Street for Chinese New Year. No, don’t panic, they’re just going to do a bit of sweeping and painting, then bung up a few decorations for the Chinese tourists who won’t be coming as they aren’t allowed into the country. The phrase “exercise in futility” would seem to be appropriate here. One area of the Pattaya entertainment scene that hasn’t benefited at all from the growth in domestic tourism is the ladyboy cabaret shows. As one entrepreneur put it, “We’re well and truly down the crapper until the government decides to let all the foreign poofs back in to watch our shows. The Thais aren’t interested in paying to see ladyboys– they can’t get away from the buggers most of the time.” Perhaps they should try putting on a straight cabaret and introduce Thais to something really alternative. After being told they needed to give tourism a shot in the arm, The Tourist Council of Thailand have duly obliged by coming up with “vaccination vacations”, a tour package that includes, amongst other things, coronavirus inoculations and quarantine accommodation. Sounds about as appealing as the three day trip to Auschwitz being offered online at the moment (if you’re tempted by this offer and are offered rooms with a choice of bath or shower, go for the bath.) be seeing you monkeyman
  8. Last I heard they'd cancelled all Bangkok flights until October 2021.
  9. Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to this month’s edition full of the joys, merriment and magic of the festive season. Bah, humbug. A motorcycle rider was injured after crashing his bike in a graveyard following an encounter with an apparition he claimed was not human. The police officer who attended the scene asked the man if he could be more specific, pointing out that in Pattaya the description he gave would fit just about anybody. One of the Thai protest leaders has been charged with lese majeste after he allegedly used the word #### while discussing the current incumbent during a speech he gave at a rally. Serves him right really. Saying something like that in Thailand makes him something of a #### himself (and a bloody stupid one at that.) How times have changed. You’d never have expected to hear anyone referring to the previous incumbent as a ####, would you? Businesses in Thailand have asked the government to confer citizenship on workers from Cambodia, Laos and Burma to alleviate a huge shortage of construction and factory workers caused by the refusal to grant them work permits since the onset of the pandemic. The government has now acceded to the request and will be granting all the workers Pakistani citizenship from the beginning of next year. Meanwhile, two Indonesian orangutans seized from wildlife traffickers have been granted political asylum and given full Thai citizenship. Last week’s Beach Road quidditch game had to be abandoned after a catastrophic collision between two of the contestants… The Insanity Nightclub in Bangkok is facing closure after being raided and found to be breaking just about every law in the book. The closure is said to be for five years, so they should be able to reopen well in time for the return of foreign tourists. Thais went to the polls in 76 provinces last week to elect their new provincial officials. As per usual, alcohol sales were banned for the duration, which is rather surprising really as one suspects that the pro-government candidates would stand more chance of getting elected if the voters were all pissed out of their minds. Over 800 cases of Covid-19 have been confirmed following an outbreak at a seafood market. Mass testing is now under way in the area and several hundred shrimps have been ordered to self-isolate. However, news that all seafood is to be vaccinated in future has not been well received by customers. For anyone who thinks opening a brand new bar in Pattaya might be a good idea, these ‘build you own bar’ kits are available for purchase at most of the moderately disreputable retail outlets… Bars news now, and both and Glass House and Panda have made a pre-Christmas reappearance on Walking Street. Soi Diamond has a new kid on the block with the strangely named 11010 A Go Go. There’s also a new place called Screamers on Soi Boomerang, so now we’ve had Screamers, Iron and Queens. What next, Brown Hatters A Go Go? Or maybe Uphill Gardeners Club? Weird. A strange ceremony took place in Chanthaburi a couple of weeks ago when no less than three Thai chappies married each other. Sorry Western LGBTQers, but the Thais have out-poofed you again. Back to the past now, in the days before Soi Covent Garden became Mohammed Alley, with a couple of morsels from Monkeywatch in December 2010… “The boys in brown have been up to their old tricks again with raids on numerous bars including Champagne and Carousel. ID cards were checked and urine tests were carried out on staff. Police in attendance said they were particularly impressed by the co-operative attitude of one bar where the girls were already providing urine samples as officers entered the premises. A five metre long boa constrictor that had been eating livestock at a temple in Sriracha was finally caught last week after monks were alerted by a barking dog. When asked if the capture had been a difficult task, one monk replied “Ever tried to handcuff a snake?” The team from Pattaya has been disqualified from a national shooting contest after it was discovered the clay pigeons they were using weren’t regulation size… An armed robber who stole goods worth 800,000 baht from a gold shop has been identified after he helpfully dropped his mobile phone while running away from the scene of the crime. The police say the Thai man, who has been identified as a Mr Yuslas Sakkashit, is still on the run and have advised him to give himself up before they start using him for target practice. Silly bugger. Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse, the long-delayed Pattaya Music Festival finally arrived in mid-December to bring succour to the terminally tone deaf. Still, they tried their best. You’ve gotta love the little brown sods, haven’t you? No, thought not. Finally, it was announced on Christmas Eve that Thailand is to send a spacecraft to the moon, so make sure you don’t have Covid-19 when visiting Pattaya or you might find yourself at the front of the queue for a one-way ticket. A very Merry Christmas to you all. be seeing you monkeyman
  10. The rumour is that the smallish yellowish investors are going for the more upmarket hotels, so they probably won't be in competition with Mr Patel and his mates.
  11. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to more tales from the mythical place that was once known as Fun City. Ho hum. Well, with the first foreign tourists finally being allowed out of quarantine, the Thai government have introduced yet another cracking idea to woo back the tourists - electronic tags. These measure body temperature, blood pressure and heart rate, and send an alert to the authorities if the readings rise excessively. Reckon there’s going to be a whole lot of hotel room doors being smashed down by the boys in brown before too long. And if that wasn’t enough, it was decided that anyone applying for a tourist visa would have to provide six consecutive months’ bank statements showing a balance of at least half a million baht. It was speculated that this may act as something of a deterrent for the average backpacker, which leaves us mystified as to why the idea was subsequently withdrawn. It seems there are a growing number of investors showing interest in buying up hotels in Pattaya when things start to return to something approaching normal. The identities of these investors are currently a mystery though one suspects they may be smallish and yellowish. They might do better warning people about the over ground ones… A fire in a local clothing factory has caused extensive damage to the premises as well as incinerating a quantity of cats found to be living in the building. The owner remarked “Shame about the cats. If we’d had time to make them into fur coats we could’ve claimed more off the insurance.” Speaking of fur coats, it looks like the girls will be rather less keen on asking their more generous sponsors for mink coats now it’s been established that the furry little buggers are riddled with coronavirus. Reminds us of a lady resplendent in such a garment who was once asked “How do girls get minks?” to which she replied “The same way minks get minks.” Pattaya now has an exciting new attraction for those looking for something other than clubs, bars, booze and girls – squid fishing. Yes, for a mere 400 baht you can experience the delights of catching something even more boring than a starfish, albeit much more cheaply than a starfish caught in a bar. Mind you, catching coronavirus is cheaper still and probably about as much fun. Pattaya has come up with yet another cracking new entertainment idea – flea football… As is now the norm, very little in the way of bar news to report this month. There’s a bit of activity on LK Metro with the anticipated opening of a new place call Exotic LK and the reopening of Dolls LK, which opens alternately with Dolls on Walking Street (may have something to do with them sharing the same staff.) Alcohol has been banned at a local beach after residents complained that domestic tourists had turned the place into a rubbish tip. “Bloody stinking pigs”, remarked one local. “Why can’t they piss off back to their own country?” He later apologised, saying that he hadn’t got used to the idea of not having any foreign tourists. Back to the way things used to be now, with a squint at a couple of happenings from Monkeywatch in November 2010… “In the recent police mini-crackdown on Beach Road freelancers, it was suggested that targeting the customers was the way to solve the problem. Well, here’s a better idea. Do more to encourage the customers, because when every freelancer on Beach Road has a customer, then there aren’t any girls on Beach Road. Problem solved, everybody happy, job done. Eleven people were hurt at the Sunbeam Hotel in Central Pattaya last week when their lift threw a wobbler and plummeted down six floors. A spokesman said the incident was regrettable, while pointing out that it was very rare for anyone in Pattaya to plummet down the inside of a hotel as they normally tend to favour the outside.” Perhaps someone should tell them they work better the other way up… The Thai government has officially stated that “all laws” will be used against anti- government protestors who gather without permission. We suspect that the Pattaya police may not have completely understood this directive, as the first protester to be arrested in the city was charged with blasphemy, stealing a bicycle and chicken molesting. Several pigs were injured last week after a lorry overturned while transporting them to Sattahip. Rescue workers gave medical help to the injured animals, who probably thought their day couldn’t get worse, until another lorry turned up and whisked them off to the slaughterhouse. And you thought you were having a pig of a day? All you have to worry about is finding a slicking plaster in your bacon. So now we all wait to see if a little prick in the arm can deliver us from evil. Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time that a little prick was responsible for the fate of Pattaya. Anyone remember Purachai? be seeing you monkeyman
  12. Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping in, and welcome to this month’s look at the latest non-events in Tumbleweed City. Well, it looked like Thailand was about to take its first cautious steps in allowing ‘tourists’ back in, though to gain admission you’d have had to be Japanese or Chinese and be prepared to undergo a 31 step administrative equivalent of a special forces assault course followed by two weeks solitary confinement. One wondered why they were giving preferential treatment to the odious little yellow bastards who caused this catastrophe in the first place, and we all hoped it was a trap. And yes, it was a trap alright. They suckered 300 Chinese tourists into paying upfront for 14 days at a quarantine hotel plus 90 days further accommodation and exorbitant visa fees then, just hours before the first arrivals were due, scrapped the whole thing and refused to refund any of their money due to an escape clause buried in the small print. Let’s hope the Covid-ridden little shitweasels get the message and stay away for good. Meanwhile, businesses in Pattaya are trying various cunning ploys to entice people into their premises. One well-known Indian restaurant is offering a free bottle of wine with every meal, though customers have commented that the contents of the bottle bear more than a passing resemblance to the water off Bali Hai Pier. One suspects that this isn’t entirely coincidental. This must be what they mean by a Covid bubble... Local government has been approached to reimburse a Rayong fisherman for the loss of his boat after it was allegedly sunk by a water spout while he was plying his trade. He’s claiming over 90,000 baht for the recovery and repair of his boat, though the recently recovered vessel looks like it wouldn’t have withstood a sustained attack from a water pistol, let alone a water spout. Those in the know have suggested he’s unlikely to come out of this with more than 500 baht and a kick up the arse (and he probably won’t get the 500 baht.) In another first for Pattaya, a plastic recycling plant has come up with a novel new way of recycling material by converting it into heat. Or to put it another way, the whole place burned to the ground. Well it’s a sort of recycling, innit? A mentally ill Thai man had to be rescued recently after climbing a telephone tower in Pattaya and refusing to come down. Hang on, this exact same thing happened a few months back with another Thai bloke who had mental health issues. So why do Thai nutters all make a beeline for phone towers then? Could the 5G conspiracy theorists be right after all? Wind back to pre-Covid days now with a trio of yarns from Monkeywatch in October 2010… “City Hall has been having a bit of a hissy fit about the large quantities of litter being strewn around the locality by tourists and business operators. They reckon it’s ruining the image of Pattaya’s beaches. That’s a little bit like ruining the image of a turd by dropping a cigarette butt onto it. The Health and Safety people have also been having a go, and last week called a meeting with Pattaya’s street food vendors following complaints from customers about hygiene standards. They cited a particular example of a Thai customer who was incensed after finding a grasshopper in his bag of cockroaches. A Pattaya pharmacist was arrested a couple of weeks ago after it was discovered that he was selling fake Viagra tablets to unsuspecting holidaymakers. He now faces a sentence of five years soft labour. People are still asking why they have to be careful what they post on boards about the goings-on in bars when it’s widely accepted that the boys in brown already know, so here’s a little reminder. It’s quite simple. You see, it’s one thing for them to know, but entirely another if we let them know that we know that they know, because once they know that we know that they know, then they know that they have to let the bar know that they know, or they know that those in the know will know that they know even though they’re pretending that they don’t know. So now you know.” To help pay for the pandemic, City Hall is selling off Pattaya Beach at 1000 baht per scoop. Don’t all rush at once… Bar news now, and it wasn’t a good start to the month with the closure of Pattaya Beer Garden, Glass House, Bliss and Far East Rock 2, but it’s not all doom and gloom. Baccara, Sensations, Lighthouse, Shark and Party Girlz have all reopened and Heaven Above looks set to open in its new location on Soi Boomerang (good street name for a bar trying to make a comeback.) There’s one thing about all this kung flu nonsense that might work to our advantage. When a vaccine does become available, a lot of us old buzzards should be at the front of the queue for an armful and could be back in action while the young whippersnappers are still queuing at the starting gate for their fix. Just think, we could all be the girls’ hansum young men again, at least for a while. That’s what it’s all about – getting a few in before the lights go out. A golf course cashier has been arrested after being caught using the stolen credit card of a Japanese customer. The thief was apprehended after making the mistake of using the card to buy regular sized condoms, a dead giveaway as these are of course several sizes bigger than those manufactured for the Japanese market. As the Japanese say, give them quarter of an inch and they’ll take a mile. Looks like Beach Road’s preparing for a visit from the mayor… Two local Pattaya women were pulled out of a pickup truck after it was found under a large tree following a heavy rainstorm. Police arrived on the scene shortly afterwards and proceeded to arrest the women for trying to steal the tree. When it was pointed out that the truck had been moving at the time of the incident, a police spokesman replied “These drive-by thefts are becoming more and more common. We’ve already had three handbags stolen this way since the beginning of the week.” In another tree story, a motorcyclist was killed the other day after hitting one at high speed on Jomtien Second Road. Witness statements say that the man wasn’t wearing a helmet, though this is subject to confirmation as the police haven’t found his head yet. And we can’t finish without mentioning that, as of five days ago, there are a grand total of 39 foreign tourists in Thailand. And they’re all Chinese. Happy days are here again. be seeing you monkeyman
  13. Guess they didn't know about the signing of the 3 year extension to the lease.
  14. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to another desperate attempt to wring a few stories out of the bugger all that’s going on in Patts these days. The Pattaya Music Festival is set to go ahead with social distancing measures in place, which are expected to be scrupulously observed by most of the public who say they plan to be as far away from the event as possible. Dodgy electrics have claimed yet another victim after a local Thai chap was blown up and flung from the top of a high building while trying to repair a broken air conditioner. His fate was not immediately recognised as his remains at the foot of the building were initially mistaken for a discarded takeaway curry. He probably would’ve tasted better than some of the takeaway curries we’ve had lately. A fire in North Pattaya has destroyed a six storey building and a warehouse. Authorities tried to put a positive spin on the affair by pointing out that no foreign tourists were injured. So who dreams of large green erections then?... Police called a meeting of 130 entertainment venue owners earlier this month to check that they were still adhering to coronavirus restrictions. The owners said they were and the police thanked them and sent them on their way. Law enforcement at its finest. Banglamung officials have been carrying out spot checks on bars in Pattaya to ensure the Covid 19 rules are being followed. A spokesman confirmed they hadn’t found any customers breaking the rules, though he later admitted this was probably because they hadn’t actually found any customers. Pattaya is a place where the expression “elephant in the room” now has its own special meaning. The other night, a local man was woken by a commotion in his house, and on turning on the light was surprised to discover – you guessed it - an elephant in the room. That’s the trouble with elephants you see – they just take things too literally. Police are seeking a Thai man who’s been scamming people for parking fees on Beach Road by cunningly disguising himself as a traffic warden… Bar news now, and we start with the surprise return of Classroom to Soi Pattayaland. Just like the old days? Who knows? Baccara is also set to reopen, allegedly today. Wonder what the line-up will be like? Devil’s Den has closed down but plans to reopen in a new location when the tourists are allowed to return – if they ever are. A fake bank robbery was staged by Pattaya police last week for some reason or another (probably didn’t have anything else to do). After about 20 minutes of intensive police work, two Burmese workers were arrested but both claimed they’d been fitted up and the money used for the exercise has mysteriously disappeared. The men were nonetheless found to be guilty and will face a firing squad next week, though as it was only a drill the guns won’t be loaded – well, most of them won’t. Time for a time slip in the shape of a couple of old clippings from Monkeywatch in September 2010… “Punch-ups in Patts are big news at the moment, and there was another one a couple of Sundays ago in which six Thai blokes attacked a chap and gave him a good kicking. Nothing new you may say, except that this time it wasn’t at a bar or Go Go, it was at the Sutawat Temple in East Pattaya - and all the brawlers were monks. Hell’s teeth, what’s the world coming to? The way things are going you’ll have to be careful how you look at a nun if you don’t want her boot in your groin. A double suicide was reported to have taken place in North Pattaya the other Friday. Funny, I thought you could only do it once.” Another example of why Pattaya is the destination of choice for quality tourists… Local health officials wish to make it clear that the medical advice recently given stating that condoms should always be used for the duration of the current pandemic was only meant to apply to people while they were having sex. Thailand has been added to the UK travel corridor list so Brits can now travel freely to the Land of Smiles – and be sent straight back home when they do. Finally, it’s been incorrectly reported in some quarters that Thailand is to consider granting permanent residence to anyone who buys a condom. In fact, you have to buy a condo. Shit, and I bought a whole bloody packet. be seeing you monkeyman
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