Jump to content
Displayed prices are for multiple nights. Check the site for price per night. I see hostels starting at 200b/day and hotels from 500b/day on agoda.

monkeyman

Participant
  • Content Count

    4,708
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    17

monkeyman last won the day on July 31 2020

monkeyman had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

1,129 Excellent

2 Followers

About monkeyman

  • Rank
    Elite Poster

Contact Methods

  • Website URL
    http://
  • ICQ
    0

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Here

Previous Fields

  • Country
    Cayman Islands

Recent Profile Visitors

1,012 profile views
  1. Last I heard they'd cancelled all Bangkok flights until October 2021.
  2. Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to this month’s edition full of the joys, merriment and magic of the festive season. Bah, humbug. A motorcycle rider was injured after crashing his bike in a graveyard following an encounter with an apparition he claimed was not human. The police officer who attended the scene asked the man if he could be more specific, pointing out that in Pattaya the description he gave would fit just about anybody. One of the Thai protest leaders has been charged with lese majeste after he allegedly used the word #### while discussing the current incumbent during a speech he gave at a rally. Serves him right really. Saying something like that in Thailand makes him something of a #### himself (and a bloody stupid one at that.) How times have changed. You’d never have expected to hear anyone referring to the previous incumbent as a ####, would you? Businesses in Thailand have asked the government to confer citizenship on workers from Cambodia, Laos and Burma to alleviate a huge shortage of construction and factory workers caused by the refusal to grant them work permits since the onset of the pandemic. The government has now acceded to the request and will be granting all the workers Pakistani citizenship from the beginning of next year. Meanwhile, two Indonesian orangutans seized from wildlife traffickers have been granted political asylum and given full Thai citizenship. Last week’s Beach Road quidditch game had to be abandoned after a catastrophic collision between two of the contestants… The Insanity Nightclub in Bangkok is facing closure after being raided and found to be breaking just about every law in the book. The closure is said to be for five years, so they should be able to reopen well in time for the return of foreign tourists. Thais went to the polls in 76 provinces last week to elect their new provincial officials. As per usual, alcohol sales were banned for the duration, which is rather surprising really as one suspects that the pro-government candidates would stand more chance of getting elected if the voters were all pissed out of their minds. Over 800 cases of Covid-19 have been confirmed following an outbreak at a seafood market. Mass testing is now under way in the area and several hundred shrimps have been ordered to self-isolate. However, news that all seafood is to be vaccinated in future has not been well received by customers. For anyone who thinks opening a brand new bar in Pattaya might be a good idea, these ‘build you own bar’ kits are available for purchase at most of the moderately disreputable retail outlets… Bars news now, and both and Glass House and Panda have made a pre-Christmas reappearance on Walking Street. Soi Diamond has a new kid on the block with the strangely named 11010 A Go Go. There’s also a new place called Screamers on Soi Boomerang, so now we’ve had Screamers, Iron and Queens. What next, Brown Hatters A Go Go? Or maybe Uphill Gardeners Club? Weird. A strange ceremony took place in Chanthaburi a couple of weeks ago when no less than three Thai chappies married each other. Sorry Western LGBTQers, but the Thais have out-poofed you again. Back to the past now, in the days before Soi Covent Garden became Mohammed Alley, with a couple of morsels from Monkeywatch in December 2010… “The boys in brown have been up to their old tricks again with raids on numerous bars including Champagne and Carousel. ID cards were checked and urine tests were carried out on staff. Police in attendance said they were particularly impressed by the co-operative attitude of one bar where the girls were already providing urine samples as officers entered the premises. A five metre long boa constrictor that had been eating livestock at a temple in Sriracha was finally caught last week after monks were alerted by a barking dog. When asked if the capture had been a difficult task, one monk replied “Ever tried to handcuff a snake?” The team from Pattaya has been disqualified from a national shooting contest after it was discovered the clay pigeons they were using weren’t regulation size… An armed robber who stole goods worth 800,000 baht from a gold shop has been identified after he helpfully dropped his mobile phone while running away from the scene of the crime. The police say the Thai man, who has been identified as a Mr Yuslas Sakkashit, is still on the run and have advised him to give himself up before they start using him for target practice. Silly bugger. Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse, the long-delayed Pattaya Music Festival finally arrived in mid-December to bring succour to the terminally tone deaf. Still, they tried their best. You’ve gotta love the little brown sods, haven’t you? No, thought not. Finally, it was announced on Christmas Eve that Thailand is to send a spacecraft to the moon, so make sure you don’t have Covid-19 when visiting Pattaya or you might find yourself at the front of the queue for a one-way ticket. A very Merry Christmas to you all. be seeing you monkeyman
  3. The rumour is that the smallish yellowish investors are going for the more upmarket hotels, so they probably won't be in competition with Mr Patel and his mates.
  4. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to more tales from the mythical place that was once known as Fun City. Ho hum. Well, with the first foreign tourists finally being allowed out of quarantine, the Thai government have introduced yet another cracking idea to woo back the tourists - electronic tags. These measure body temperature, blood pressure and heart rate, and send an alert to the authorities if the readings rise excessively. Reckon there’s going to be a whole lot of hotel room doors being smashed down by the boys in brown before too long. And if that wasn’t enough, it was decided that anyone applying for a tourist visa would have to provide six consecutive months’ bank statements showing a balance of at least half a million baht. It was speculated that this may act as something of a deterrent for the average backpacker, which leaves us mystified as to why the idea was subsequently withdrawn. It seems there are a growing number of investors showing interest in buying up hotels in Pattaya when things start to return to something approaching normal. The identities of these investors are currently a mystery though one suspects they may be smallish and yellowish. They might do better warning people about the over ground ones… A fire in a local clothing factory has caused extensive damage to the premises as well as incinerating a quantity of cats found to be living in the building. The owner remarked “Shame about the cats. If we’d had time to make them into fur coats we could’ve claimed more off the insurance.” Speaking of fur coats, it looks like the girls will be rather less keen on asking their more generous sponsors for mink coats now it’s been established that the furry little buggers are riddled with coronavirus. Reminds us of a lady resplendent in such a garment who was once asked “How do girls get minks?” to which she replied “The same way minks get minks.” Pattaya now has an exciting new attraction for those looking for something other than clubs, bars, booze and girls – squid fishing. Yes, for a mere 400 baht you can experience the delights of catching something even more boring than a starfish, albeit much more cheaply than a starfish caught in a bar. Mind you, catching coronavirus is cheaper still and probably about as much fun. Pattaya has come up with yet another cracking new entertainment idea – flea football… As is now the norm, very little in the way of bar news to report this month. There’s a bit of activity on LK Metro with the anticipated opening of a new place call Exotic LK and the reopening of Dolls LK, which opens alternately with Dolls on Walking Street (may have something to do with them sharing the same staff.) Alcohol has been banned at a local beach after residents complained that domestic tourists had turned the place into a rubbish tip. “Bloody stinking pigs”, remarked one local. “Why can’t they piss off back to their own country?” He later apologised, saying that he hadn’t got used to the idea of not having any foreign tourists. Back to the way things used to be now, with a squint at a couple of happenings from Monkeywatch in November 2010… “In the recent police mini-crackdown on Beach Road freelancers, it was suggested that targeting the customers was the way to solve the problem. Well, here’s a better idea. Do more to encourage the customers, because when every freelancer on Beach Road has a customer, then there aren’t any girls on Beach Road. Problem solved, everybody happy, job done. Eleven people were hurt at the Sunbeam Hotel in Central Pattaya last week when their lift threw a wobbler and plummeted down six floors. A spokesman said the incident was regrettable, while pointing out that it was very rare for anyone in Pattaya to plummet down the inside of a hotel as they normally tend to favour the outside.” Perhaps someone should tell them they work better the other way up… The Thai government has officially stated that “all laws” will be used against anti- government protestors who gather without permission. We suspect that the Pattaya police may not have completely understood this directive, as the first protester to be arrested in the city was charged with blasphemy, stealing a bicycle and chicken molesting. Several pigs were injured last week after a lorry overturned while transporting them to Sattahip. Rescue workers gave medical help to the injured animals, who probably thought their day couldn’t get worse, until another lorry turned up and whisked them off to the slaughterhouse. And you thought you were having a pig of a day? All you have to worry about is finding a slicking plaster in your bacon. So now we all wait to see if a little prick in the arm can deliver us from evil. Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time that a little prick was responsible for the fate of Pattaya. Anyone remember Purachai? be seeing you monkeyman
  5. Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping in, and welcome to this month’s look at the latest non-events in Tumbleweed City. Well, it looked like Thailand was about to take its first cautious steps in allowing ‘tourists’ back in, though to gain admission you’d have had to be Japanese or Chinese and be prepared to undergo a 31 step administrative equivalent of a special forces assault course followed by two weeks solitary confinement. One wondered why they were giving preferential treatment to the odious little yellow bastards who caused this catastrophe in the first place, and we all hoped it was a trap. And yes, it was a trap alright. They suckered 300 Chinese tourists into paying upfront for 14 days at a quarantine hotel plus 90 days further accommodation and exorbitant visa fees then, just hours before the first arrivals were due, scrapped the whole thing and refused to refund any of their money due to an escape clause buried in the small print. Let’s hope the Covid-ridden little shitweasels get the message and stay away for good. Meanwhile, businesses in Pattaya are trying various cunning ploys to entice people into their premises. One well-known Indian restaurant is offering a free bottle of wine with every meal, though customers have commented that the contents of the bottle bear more than a passing resemblance to the water off Bali Hai Pier. One suspects that this isn’t entirely coincidental. This must be what they mean by a Covid bubble... Local government has been approached to reimburse a Rayong fisherman for the loss of his boat after it was allegedly sunk by a water spout while he was plying his trade. He’s claiming over 90,000 baht for the recovery and repair of his boat, though the recently recovered vessel looks like it wouldn’t have withstood a sustained attack from a water pistol, let alone a water spout. Those in the know have suggested he’s unlikely to come out of this with more than 500 baht and a kick up the arse (and he probably won’t get the 500 baht.) In another first for Pattaya, a plastic recycling plant has come up with a novel new way of recycling material by converting it into heat. Or to put it another way, the whole place burned to the ground. Well it’s a sort of recycling, innit? A mentally ill Thai man had to be rescued recently after climbing a telephone tower in Pattaya and refusing to come down. Hang on, this exact same thing happened a few months back with another Thai bloke who had mental health issues. So why do Thai nutters all make a beeline for phone towers then? Could the 5G conspiracy theorists be right after all? Wind back to pre-Covid days now with a trio of yarns from Monkeywatch in October 2010… “City Hall has been having a bit of a hissy fit about the large quantities of litter being strewn around the locality by tourists and business operators. They reckon it’s ruining the image of Pattaya’s beaches. That’s a little bit like ruining the image of a turd by dropping a cigarette butt onto it. The Health and Safety people have also been having a go, and last week called a meeting with Pattaya’s street food vendors following complaints from customers about hygiene standards. They cited a particular example of a Thai customer who was incensed after finding a grasshopper in his bag of cockroaches. A Pattaya pharmacist was arrested a couple of weeks ago after it was discovered that he was selling fake Viagra tablets to unsuspecting holidaymakers. He now faces a sentence of five years soft labour. People are still asking why they have to be careful what they post on boards about the goings-on in bars when it’s widely accepted that the boys in brown already know, so here’s a little reminder. It’s quite simple. You see, it’s one thing for them to know, but entirely another if we let them know that we know that they know, because once they know that we know that they know, then they know that they have to let the bar know that they know, or they know that those in the know will know that they know even though they’re pretending that they don’t know. So now you know.” To help pay for the pandemic, City Hall is selling off Pattaya Beach at 1000 baht per scoop. Don’t all rush at once… Bar news now, and it wasn’t a good start to the month with the closure of Pattaya Beer Garden, Glass House, Bliss and Far East Rock 2, but it’s not all doom and gloom. Baccara, Sensations, Lighthouse, Shark and Party Girlz have all reopened and Heaven Above looks set to open in its new location on Soi Boomerang (good street name for a bar trying to make a comeback.) There’s one thing about all this kung flu nonsense that might work to our advantage. When a vaccine does become available, a lot of us old buzzards should be at the front of the queue for an armful and could be back in action while the young whippersnappers are still queuing at the starting gate for their fix. Just think, we could all be the girls’ hansum young men again, at least for a while. That’s what it’s all about – getting a few in before the lights go out. A golf course cashier has been arrested after being caught using the stolen credit card of a Japanese customer. The thief was apprehended after making the mistake of using the card to buy regular sized condoms, a dead giveaway as these are of course several sizes bigger than those manufactured for the Japanese market. As the Japanese say, give them quarter of an inch and they’ll take a mile. Looks like Beach Road’s preparing for a visit from the mayor… Two local Pattaya women were pulled out of a pickup truck after it was found under a large tree following a heavy rainstorm. Police arrived on the scene shortly afterwards and proceeded to arrest the women for trying to steal the tree. When it was pointed out that the truck had been moving at the time of the incident, a police spokesman replied “These drive-by thefts are becoming more and more common. We’ve already had three handbags stolen this way since the beginning of the week.” In another tree story, a motorcyclist was killed the other day after hitting one at high speed on Jomtien Second Road. Witness statements say that the man wasn’t wearing a helmet, though this is subject to confirmation as the police haven’t found his head yet. And we can’t finish without mentioning that, as of five days ago, there are a grand total of 39 foreign tourists in Thailand. And they’re all Chinese. Happy days are here again. be seeing you monkeyman
  6. Guess they didn't know about the signing of the 3 year extension to the lease.
  7. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to another desperate attempt to wring a few stories out of the bugger all that’s going on in Patts these days. The Pattaya Music Festival is set to go ahead with social distancing measures in place, which are expected to be scrupulously observed by most of the public who say they plan to be as far away from the event as possible. Dodgy electrics have claimed yet another victim after a local Thai chap was blown up and flung from the top of a high building while trying to repair a broken air conditioner. His fate was not immediately recognised as his remains at the foot of the building were initially mistaken for a discarded takeaway curry. He probably would’ve tasted better than some of the takeaway curries we’ve had lately. A fire in North Pattaya has destroyed a six storey building and a warehouse. Authorities tried to put a positive spin on the affair by pointing out that no foreign tourists were injured. So who dreams of large green erections then?... Police called a meeting of 130 entertainment venue owners earlier this month to check that they were still adhering to coronavirus restrictions. The owners said they were and the police thanked them and sent them on their way. Law enforcement at its finest. Banglamung officials have been carrying out spot checks on bars in Pattaya to ensure the Covid 19 rules are being followed. A spokesman confirmed they hadn’t found any customers breaking the rules, though he later admitted this was probably because they hadn’t actually found any customers. Pattaya is a place where the expression “elephant in the room” now has its own special meaning. The other night, a local man was woken by a commotion in his house, and on turning on the light was surprised to discover – you guessed it - an elephant in the room. That’s the trouble with elephants you see – they just take things too literally. Police are seeking a Thai man who’s been scamming people for parking fees on Beach Road by cunningly disguising himself as a traffic warden… Bar news now, and we start with the surprise return of Classroom to Soi Pattayaland. Just like the old days? Who knows? Baccara is also set to reopen, allegedly today. Wonder what the line-up will be like? Devil’s Den has closed down but plans to reopen in a new location when the tourists are allowed to return – if they ever are. A fake bank robbery was staged by Pattaya police last week for some reason or another (probably didn’t have anything else to do). After about 20 minutes of intensive police work, two Burmese workers were arrested but both claimed they’d been fitted up and the money used for the exercise has mysteriously disappeared. The men were nonetheless found to be guilty and will face a firing squad next week, though as it was only a drill the guns won’t be loaded – well, most of them won’t. Time for a time slip in the shape of a couple of old clippings from Monkeywatch in September 2010… “Punch-ups in Patts are big news at the moment, and there was another one a couple of Sundays ago in which six Thai blokes attacked a chap and gave him a good kicking. Nothing new you may say, except that this time it wasn’t at a bar or Go Go, it was at the Sutawat Temple in East Pattaya - and all the brawlers were monks. Hell’s teeth, what’s the world coming to? The way things are going you’ll have to be careful how you look at a nun if you don’t want her boot in your groin. A double suicide was reported to have taken place in North Pattaya the other Friday. Funny, I thought you could only do it once.” Another example of why Pattaya is the destination of choice for quality tourists… Local health officials wish to make it clear that the medical advice recently given stating that condoms should always be used for the duration of the current pandemic was only meant to apply to people while they were having sex. Thailand has been added to the UK travel corridor list so Brits can now travel freely to the Land of Smiles – and be sent straight back home when they do. Finally, it’s been incorrectly reported in some quarters that Thailand is to consider granting permanent residence to anyone who buys a condom. In fact, you have to buy a condo. Shit, and I bought a whole bloody packet. be seeing you monkeyman
  8. Greeting Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome to this month’s dive into the crystal clear waters of Pattaya (more about that later.) Walking Street has been redubbed Driving Street following the introduction of a new temporary rule allowing vehicles to use it at all times. Anyone now caught walking there will be cautioned by police and if found to be drunk may face a walking ban of up to a year. Closing times look set to remain at midnight so bars will be forced to keep sending their customer(s) home early for the foreseeable future. FFS, the infection rate is zero – how low do they want it to get? A Thai snack vendor whose business folded during the lockdown is now making a living salvaging stuff from garbage bins – which he then sells back to snack vendors. If you visit Nong Nooch, be sure not to miss “The Testicles of Rama”, a revered Thai monument that legend says was on the shortlist for the Seven Wonders of the World but came ninth. The Thai government have yet again started wittering on about getting “high-end tourists” back into Thailand. One can therefore assume from this that they consider Thailand to be a high-end tourist destination. Perhaps they need someone to explain to them why it isn’t. Basically, high-end tourists tend to head for destinations where they won’t be bitten by stray dogs, have their pockets picked by poofs in dresses, risk falling into bottomless pits in the roads and walkways, find beaches covered in raw sewage and waste plastic, have to breathe air with more pollution than a septic tank, be bombarded with fake goods, have to bribe police to get off trumped-up charges, be accosted by women who turn out to be men, get served watered down drinks in bars, be told by the government that they don’t shower often enough, have the shit kicked out of them by doormen who’ve mistaken them for someone else, be vomited on by drunks, be sat on by elephantine women trying to get them to spend 200 baht on a thimbleful of coloured water, have the contents of their hotel safes pilfered and their credit cards cloned by the staff, and be ripped off by taxi drivers and jet ski owners. They also don’t want their top of the range smartphones smashed over their heads because they pointed them at a go go bar for more than half a second, beaches that wash away overnight, to be the targets of drive-by bag snatchers, poisoned by so-called restaurants serving food that’s worse than you’d get in the average prison, blown to buggery by exploding transformers or electrocuted by hanging cables, shot dead in the crossfire of warring gangs, mown down by drunk drivers or drowned on a sinking ferry boat overloaded with Chinese tourists, and end up going home with nothing but empty wallets and a cocktail of chlamydia, Covid-19 and clap. High-end tourists? Dream on. A couple of Soi dogs had to be rescued a couple of weeks ago after they somehow managed to fall into a sewer. Interred in turd, so to speak. One positive thing to come out of the pandemic is the quality of the water by Pattaya Beach, which is now so clean that you can clearly see all the garbage on the sea bed, not to mention all the fish swimming around rather than floating on the surface. Strange times indeed. Pattaya has always had its share of nice spots to visit… Bar news time, and there’s a few comings and goings to report. Paradise and Kink have reopened on LK Metro and Dolls has opened up on Walking Street. Bliss and Bachelor have also reopened on a part-time basis. Far East Rock closed down but then reappeared a few days later. Party Girlz put up adverts for their reopening – then took them down again. And Baby Boom has reportedly had a change of policy and is employing female girls again. A new go go called Moon Light has opened. If you want to check the place out, head for nowhere and you’ll find it right in the middle. A pissed-up Thai bloke crashed his motorbike the other weekend when he tried to pull over to take a leak. In a statement to police, the man said he crashed after being blinded by a shower of urine from his mate on the bike in front who’d elected to take a piss without stopping his bike first. A history lesson for the noobs now with a look back to a couple of snippets from Monkeywatch in August 2010… “The boys in brown carried out yet another raid on Sunee Plaza last weekend, the target this time being the “Nice Boys Go Go Bar”. Reports said that everyone in the bar was urine tested and 13 employees were found to be under the age of 18. It’s amazing what they can find out from urine tests, isn’t it? The Wednesday before last, Pattaya City Hall hosted a meeting for government employees who have volunteered to join a Public Health Ministry sponsored weight loss program. The scheme has officially been called “Bye-Bye Fatty” after employees were asked to choose what they thought to be the most appropriate name. This wasn’t actually the name that got the most votes, but officials felt that “Fuck Off Lard Ass” might potentially stigmatise the participants.” Pattaya continues to maintain its stock of luxury accommodation in anticipation of the return of its traditional quality tourists… A new cafe has opened near Pattaya where tourists can sit and drink coffee while looking at elephants. The manager explained that The Mong Chang Café was the ideal place to go and observe an endangered species at first hand, though some attendees seemed to be unsure as to whether he was referring to the elephants or the tourists. A bloke in East Pattaya has been arrested for rape following an incident late last week. The victim said she didn’t realised she’d been raped until she went shopping and discovered that the man had paid her with forged banknotes. Finally, it’s been announced that Pattaya is to spend 160 million baht on landscaping the beach to attract local tourists. Wow, a million baht per tourist? Now that’s serious money. be seeing you monkeyman
  9. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to this month’s look at No-Fun City as it slowly creaks back to life. As foreign tourists continue to have the door into Thailand slammed in their faces, the government is spending billions of baht bailing out their tourist industry by effectively paying Thai people to go on holiday as part of a venture known as “We Tour Thailand”. Hotel rooms, tourist attractions and airline tickets are just a few of the items to be heavily subsidised in order to get the tourist industry moving again. Hotel owners have responded enthusiastically to the government’s 40% room subsidy – by raising their prices by 40% so they’ll get more government money. Thai economics at its finest. A similar venture called “Tour to Share Happiness” has also been launched to reward Thai medical and health staff for not killing too many people during the current pandemic. There was pandemonium a couple of days ago when a temple crematorium exploded in the middle of a funeral, causing mourners to dive for cover. The explosion was thought to have been caused by a gas leak and caused extensive damage. Police said it was difficult to establish how many people had been killed as some of the bodies were probably already dead prior to the incident, but said it didn’t matter as they were putting Covid-19 on all the death certificates. Police were called to a bar on Soi 6 after a report that a group of 12 Indian men were sitting together without face masks. The officers left after a short conversation with the men and told the bar owner “No problem. They’re all staying in the same hotel room.” Some bars may be taking social distancing a little too far… A school for the blind in Pattaya is hoping that a move to online donations will help replenish its funds after they were caught napping by a sharp downturn as a result of the coronavirus outbreak. Definitely a lack of vision there. A Thai schoolteacher is in hot water with the education authorities after she allegedly humiliated a girl pupil by giving her an “ugly” haircut as a punishment for wearing her hair too long. The teacher strenuously denied the allegation and said she planned to call Donald Trump and Boris Johnson as expert witnesses. It seems that some of the closed beer bars in Pattaya are being used as temporary accommodation for homeless people. They’re quite easy to spot – they’re better dressed than the regular punters. So who wants a fully furnished pool?... Bar news now, and at last there’s some good news with 20 or so go go’s already back up and running and more being added every day, though Atlantis appears to have closed down again already. Kiss has also bitten the dust and is up for sale. The Ministry of Social Development and Human Security (catchy little name) have announced that they will be paying out 3000 baht in COVD-19 compensation to 6 million vulnerable people. A spokesman for the vulnerable people thanked them for their generosity but said they were really hoping for 3000 baht each. Forward to the past now with a peek at a trio of old stories from Monkeywatch in July 2010… “The ubiquitous Child and Women Protection Unit still seem to be having an identity crisis, as one of their latest escapades was to bust a World Cup gambling operation in a shop near Third Road. The shop owner was arrested and a punter who was caught placing a bet on England to win the World Cup was sent to a local hospital for psychiatric reports. Pattaya made the Thailand national news the other weekend after a UFO was sighted and filmed by an employee of a local skydiving company. An expert initially identified it as a weather balloon but later conceded that it might have been a German tourist bungee jumping On the last Friday in June, Beach Road hosted a special United Nations sponsored Anti-Human Trafficking Concert. So what exactly are anti-humans then? Are they like anti-matter? Anyway, don’t traffic them. You have been warned.” Looks like the Prince Andrew Hotel has had a name change… A Cambodian bloke amazingly survived after being struck but lightning the other day. He just got up, brushed himself down and rushed off, saying he needed to buy a load of lottery tickets double quick. While most hotels are struggling to fill their rooms, business seems to be booming for one hotel group. We believe they’re called Quarantine. Finally, an elderly local Thai man has received yet another warning from police after stripping naked on Bangsaen Beach and shouting at the waves. Silly old Canute. be seeing you monkeyman
  10. Greetings Monkeywatchers, and core coon crap for joining us in the arduous task of trying to find something to talk about when there’s bugger all going on. Roll on July 1 so we can start moaning again. Holidaymakers are respectfully reminded that even though coronavirus restrictions are being eased, social distancing measures must still be strictly followed. In order to ensure compliance, patrons of bars should be aware that they will only be allowed to take girls back to their rooms if they are accompanied by a police officer. To help facilitate this, larger beds are being installed in all hotel rooms to enable a police officer in full protective gear to situate himself between the customer and his barfine to ensure that social distancing is observed at all times. Customers will of course be expected to pay the hotel a joiner fee for the officer as well as his wages for the duration of the encounter. Other than this, everything will be as normal. Enjoy your holiday. A fire broke out at the entrance to Walking Street recently after a truck driver who’d forgotten to lower his onboard crane hit the overhead power cables. Several business premises were damaged and traffic was disrupted while the fire was brought under control. The truck driver claimed he wasn’t aware of the cables as he thought they were all buried underground, a fate he may well be sharing with them if the aggrieved business owners get their hands on him. In an unrelated incident, a Thai chappie was blown to buggery when a transformer exploded on Walking Street as he was passing by. Let’s face it, if a chart was compiled of the most likely ways to die in Pattaya, coronavirus probably wouldn’t make the top 100. If you take a girl from Beach Road, beware. You might end up with a starfish… Following last month’s stories about mask wearing rules in Pattaya, another news item came to light about a man who attempted to rob a gold shop but the saleswoman wouldn’t let him in because he wasn’t wearing a mask. So now shopkeepers wear masks but robbers don’t. The world’s gone stark raving mad. As part of the lockdown easement in Pattaya, the authorities are now considering allowing live music venues to reopen. When asked about social distancing, a spokesman said “No problem. We’re telling them they can only reopen if they promise not to let any customers in.” Local officials have been carrying out inspections after reports that, in order to reopen, some bars have been masquerading as restaurants, though they do acknowledge that Pattaya traditionally has a much bigger problem with restaurants masquerading as restaurants. The Thai armed forces are doing their bit for diversity by announcing a switch to LGBT mines… Very little bar news as one would expect, and none of it good. It looks like Happy won’t be reopening and Rich is up for sale. Sapphire A Go Go is amazingly 10 years old this month. No sign of a party though. Miserable bastards. Perhaps it’s also worth mentioning that the last of the 22 proposed new rules for reopening bars states “Do not allow service staff, hostesses or PR to drink with customers.” This basically means you can buy a girl a lady drink but she won’t sit with you, she’ll just gulp it down and piss off somewhere else. Not much retraining required there then. A sailor from Pattaya recently made a complaint to the police that someone had been using his photo on Facebook to con people out of money in exchange for fake merchandise. However, the police said they didn’t believe the photo was of him and threw him in the cells for impersonating a member of the armed forces and for wasting police time. When asked why they’d done this, they said “Well we’ve had a quiet week.” Time to reminisce about virus-free days now with a pair of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in June 2010... “Pattaya’s most successful comedy act, the Child and Women Protection Unit, were at it again last Wednesday when they were involved in the arrest of a Thai bloke for possession of porno DVDs that were later found to feature only men. So no women or children then. Silly buggers. In the same vein, so to speak, the local Anti Human Trafficking division arrested two stallholders for selling pirated DVD copies of popular Western and Thai cinema movies. Perhaps someone needs to explain ‘human trafficking’ to them again.” For those of you unable to visit Pattaya due to the pandemic, here’s a recent photo of Walking Street at midnight… A chap was taken to Pattaya hospital the other day after he’d sustained several injuries in a fall and was unable to stand up. Typical pissed up farang you might think, but no, he was in fact a Thai bloke who’d fallen off his bicycle. A hospital spokesman said “We were all surprised when he arrived. We were expecting a pissed up farang.” Thai doctors have warned that people run the risk of serious infection or even death by following the trend of wearing “fashion braces.” Since the warning was announced, a number of Thai men have been observed walking around with their trousers round their ankles. Finally, lovers of haute cuisine will no doubt be pleased to hear that Kiss Food and Drink has reopened with an offer of chicken with chilli and basil, a fried egg, rice and a bottle of water, all for 29 baht. When asked for his opinion on the offer, a local expat said “I think we should boycott the place to discourage this kind of profiteering.” be seeing you monkeyman
  11. Methinks more mask wearing will be introduced to offset the relaxation of social distancing rules. Makes sense politically.
  12. And all for benefit of their customers I'm sure. How many of us would be prepared to make such a sacrifice?
  13. Shit, I missed that one. That's much better than the currency exchange story I used. Thanks for the heads up. I might use it next month.
×
×
  • Create New...