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monkeyman last won the day on June 26

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About monkeyman

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  1. Greetings Monkeywatchers, and core coon crap for joining us in the arduous task of trying to find something to talk about when there’s bugger all going on. Roll on July 1 so we can start moaning again. Holidaymakers are respectfully reminded that even though coronavirus restrictions are being eased, social distancing measures must still be strictly followed. In order to ensure compliance, patrons of bars should be aware that they will only be allowed to take girls back to their rooms if they are accompanied by a police officer. To help facilitate this, larger beds are being installed in all hotel rooms to enable a police officer in full protective gear to situate himself between the customer and his barfine to ensure that social distancing is observed at all times. Customers will of course be expected to pay the hotel a joiner fee for the officer as well as his wages for the duration of the encounter. Other than this, everything will be as normal. Enjoy your holiday. A fire broke out at the entrance to Walking Street recently after a truck driver who’d forgotten to lower his onboard crane hit the overhead power cables. Several business premises were damaged and traffic was disrupted while the fire was brought under control. The truck driver claimed he wasn’t aware of the cables as he thought they were all buried underground, a fate he may well be sharing with them if the aggrieved business owners get their hands on him. In an unrelated incident, a Thai chappie was blown to buggery when a transformer exploded on Walking Street as he was passing by. Let’s face it, if a chart was compiled of the most likely ways to die in Pattaya, coronavirus probably wouldn’t make the top 100. If you take a girl from Beach Road, beware. You might end up with a starfish… Following last month’s stories about mask wearing rules in Pattaya, another news item came to light about a man who attempted to rob a gold shop but the saleswoman wouldn’t let him in because he wasn’t wearing a mask. So now shopkeepers wear masks but robbers don’t. The world’s gone stark raving mad. As part of the lockdown easement in Pattaya, the authorities are now considering allowing live music venues to reopen. When asked about social distancing, a spokesman said “No problem. We’re telling them they can only reopen if they promise not to let any customers in.” Local officials have been carrying out inspections after reports that, in order to reopen, some bars have been masquerading as restaurants, though they do acknowledge that Pattaya traditionally has a much bigger problem with restaurants masquerading as restaurants. The Thai armed forces are doing their bit for diversity by announcing a switch to LGBT mines… Very little bar news as one would expect, and none of it good. It looks like Happy won’t be reopening and Rich is up for sale. Sapphire A Go Go is amazingly 10 years old this month. No sign of a party though. Miserable bastards. Perhaps it’s also worth mentioning that the last of the 22 proposed new rules for reopening bars states “Do not allow service staff, hostesses or PR to drink with customers.” This basically means you can buy a girl a lady drink but she won’t sit with you, she’ll just gulp it down and piss off somewhere else. Not much retraining required there then. A sailor from Pattaya recently made a complaint to the police that someone had been using his photo on Facebook to con people out of money in exchange for fake merchandise. However, the police said they didn’t believe the photo was of him and threw him in the cells for impersonating a member of the armed forces and for wasting police time. When asked why they’d done this, they said “Well we’ve had a quiet week.” Time to reminisce about virus-free days now with a pair of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in June 2010... “Pattaya’s most successful comedy act, the Child and Women Protection Unit, were at it again last Wednesday when they were involved in the arrest of a Thai bloke for possession of porno DVDs that were later found to feature only men. So no women or children then. Silly buggers. In the same vein, so to speak, the local Anti Human Trafficking division arrested two stallholders for selling pirated DVD copies of popular Western and Thai cinema movies. Perhaps someone needs to explain ‘human trafficking’ to them again.” For those of you unable to visit Pattaya due to the pandemic, here’s a recent photo of Walking Street at midnight… A chap was taken to Pattaya hospital the other day after he’d sustained several injuries in a fall and was unable to stand up. Typical pissed up farang you might think, but no, he was in fact a Thai bloke who’d fallen off his bicycle. A hospital spokesman said “We were all surprised when he arrived. We were expecting a pissed up farang.” Thai doctors have warned that people run the risk of serious infection or even death by following the trend of wearing “fashion braces.” Since the warning was announced, a number of Thai men have been observed walking around with their trousers round their ankles. Finally, lovers of haute cuisine will no doubt be pleased to hear that Kiss Food and Drink has reopened with an offer of chicken with chilli and basil, a fried egg, rice and a bottle of water, all for 29 baht. When asked for his opinion on the offer, a local expat said “I think we should boycott the place to discourage this kind of profiteering.” be seeing you monkeyman
  2. Methinks more mask wearing will be introduced to offset the relaxation of social distancing rules. Makes sense politically.
  3. And all for benefit of their customers I'm sure. How many of us would be prepared to make such a sacrifice?
  4. Shit, I missed that one. That's much better than the currency exchange story I used. Thanks for the heads up. I might use it next month.
  5. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to this month’s disease-ridden gander at what’s happening round town – or rather what isn’t. Pattaya’s finally taking its first faltering steps out of lockdown and as places start to open up, new regulations are having to be observed. Customers in restaurants, for instance, have been told they must wear masks except when they’re eating. Well what else would they be doing in a restaurant? Talking of masks, all the Pattaya currency exchange places now have signs up saying “NO MASK NO ENTRY”. How times change. Just a few months ago, trying to withdraw money whilst wearing a mask would’ve got you banged up in the monkey house for 20 years or so. The end to this nightmare is hopefully on the way with the news that bars and clubs in Pattaya may be allowed to reopen next month. It’s been suggested that the best way to encourage social distancing would be to ban all tourists from taking showers for the duration of their stay. This approach does of course have the added benefit of causing little or no lifestyle adjustment for the new breed of quality tourist. For the duration of the lockdown, all baht bus passengers have to be caged in and wrapped in bin liners… A Thai actor who recovered from Kung Flu has donated his blood to help other patients to recover. He said he didn’t mind giving the blood but it would’ve been nice if they’d asked him first. If anyone is hoping to be able to fly out from the UK to Thailand any time soon, be warned that some of their airports have introduced a rule that passengers have to wear a mask and gloves before they can enter the terminal. Unfortunately, it was introduced at such short notice that the only person complying with the rules on the first day was a bloke dressed as Batman, but they threw him out anyway when customs found some soup in his luggage. Pattaya police have come up with a novel new way to punish curfew breakers. Instead of paying a fine, they can opt to be filmed singing the Thai national anthem by way of apology. Up to now, only one person hasn’t taken up this option as he claimed not to know the words to the song. Probably telling the truth, as he was a Pakistani. Even the foliage is social-distancing now… Needless to say, not a lot of bar news. The Siren beer bar complex is being ‘remodelled’, whatever that means. There’s also been rumblings that a number of Walking Street Go Go’s won’t be reopening when this fiasco finally comes to an end. As the old saying goes, when the light at the end of the tunnel is on the front of a train coming the other way, maybe it’s time to change tracks. Thailand’s airports are starting to reopen, but the authorities have made it clear they will be adopting a strict “no stinking pigs” policy with regard to foreigners entering the country. When asked which nationalities they considered to be stinking pigs, an official replied “All of them”. Drift back to happier times now with a brace of bits from Monkeywatch in May 2010… “We start off this month with a bit of sad news, namely the demise of one of the best-known local Elvis impersonators who was found dead at his home in South Pattaya the other Wednesday. Now that’s taking the impersonation just a little bit too far. The so-called Pattaya Child and Woman Protection Unit were involved in the arrest of some chappies a couple of weeks ago after a group of women allegedly said the fellows had forced them into prostitution or something. If true, this is something of a departure for the Unit, as their idea of protecting women normally involves sticking them in jail.” No guys, that’s not what we meant by French letters… The current pandemic hasn’t stopped the popular local pastime of balcony diving. The latest was a Chinese chap who plummeted from the ninth floor of a condo block but amazingly survived after crashing through a structure on the fifth floor on his way down that helped break his fall. When asked if the man was likely to survive, a medic said “Not if the bloke who lives on the fifth floor gets his hands on him.” It’s being reported that a number of the newer bars are going to be aiming for the Indian market when they reopen. Have they thought this through? I mean, how do you socially distance 10 people round one drink? Well it looks like Hollywood won’t be making “Wuhan Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” so we’ve come up with another idea for a film about the origins of the outbreak in Italy. It’s called “Captain Corelli’s Pangolin”. be seeing you monkeyman
  6. Thai Airways has now filed for bankruptcy.
  7. This is Lou, who wrote, produced and recorded the original version of the song, and is apparently the only Belgian to have a chart hit in the UK. The public face of Plastic Bertrand was a guy called Roger Jouret, who mimed to Lou's voice. Lou has lived in the Pattaya area for many years and has often been seen in Papagayo and its environs. I've seen him in there myself. Parts of the video were filmed in the old Yuth Bar on Second Road between Soi 2 and 3.
  8. Time for a little Pattaya music...
  9. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for dropping in, and welcome to this month’s look at the shenanigans in Patts, where things are carrying on as normal. Okay, so there are no bars, no Go Go’s, no restaurants, no girls, no alcohol and no going outside your house most of the time, but apart from that it’s business as usual. Well, the Pattaya curfew is well and truly in place and the police have said that anybody breaking it will face a prison sentence, though given the extent of the current lockdown that’s not really much of a deterrent. In fact, the lockdown in Pattaya is now so extreme that prisoners are being threatened with release if they don’t behave. At least they get fed in prison. Probably. Thais who aren’t getting fed are being helped out by food charity events. However, the organisers have recently been told that they must tell the police in advance before any events can be staged. Coincidentally, all the latest events seem to have police officers at the front of the queue. As if things weren’t bad enough, the alcohol sales ban in Pattaya has now been in place for two weeks and has yet another week to go. Thais are starting to ask why they’re being punished for this fiasco and wouldn’t it be better if someone just nuked some common sense into the Chinese. Drinking outside is also banned, though we reckon the police took this a bit too far when they arrested a Thai bloke who got pissed and fell out of his window with a bottle of whisky in his hand. If you’re still thinking of trying to visit Pattaya by some means, be sure to pack a shovel as the only way you’ll get in is to dig a tunnel. If you’re in Pattaya already, a member of the escape committee has informed us that three secret tunnels are currently under construction - Tom, Dick and Harry. A Thai girl said she’d found Dick in her bar but it turned out that she was talking about something else altogether. The authorities seem to have caught on already and have started to put up signs to discourage tunnelling… Thais make all this bloody fuss about us farangs wearing face masks, but their own are usually so badly fitted they may as well be wearing them on their arses. Come to think of it, they’d probably do more good if they did. Pattaya’s Grand Bella Hotel has volunteered to become a field hospital to help in the battle against the nasty bug. Very commendable of course, but one suspects they won’t be inundated with bookings when things return to normal – whatever that is. There’s even been some wild stories of people with the virus coming back from the dead as zombies, though it seems that they were actually Chinese tourists who hadn’t caught it at all. Looking at this, one wishes we could go back to how things were only last year. Oh, hang on, this photo was taken six months ago… Bar news now. They’re all shut – except the ones that aren’t. Sorry officer, didn’t see a thing. Local Thai residents have formed groups called ‘Covid Killers’ to help fight the outbreak in their localities. Don’t fancy their chances of success as the equipment they’ve been issued with appears to consist of a magnifying glass and a hammer. Time to step away from the madness for a moment with couple of ancient tales from Monkeywatch in April 2010… “Meanies in the Thai Government have decided to increase the tax on alcohol this month to discourage all you naughty boys from getting too pissed during Songkran. The increase will be 20 baht per 100ml for drinks containing up to 12 per cent alcohol and 40 baht for anything stronger, so only use bars that water down the drinks. That shouldn’t limit your choice too much. There’s also been some outrageous talk of a further 20 baht tax on drinks sold to foreigners in bars. Perhaps someone should remind them that they’re the bloody foreigners. Last Thursday, the Mayor of Pattaya received a gift of 50 cardboard coffins that are apparently for the use of foreigners. Good idea. All they have to do now is put them under hotel balconies and wait.” Not a name that inspires confidence… The Thai Ministry of Commence has asked shops to cut the price of palm oil by two baht per bottle. Well how about that - they’ve come up with a lockdown exit strategy already. A warehouse in Banglamung burned to the ground a couple of weeks back in a huge fire that could be seen for miles. A large crowd gathered to witness the event, which was described by one onlooker as “the nearest thing to entertainment we’ve seen this month.” When this pandemic thingy is all over and done, Hollywood will no doubt be looking to cash in with a movie version of the whole debacle. Maybe they could call it “Wuhan Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.” be seeing you monkeyman
  10. That should get you awarded a gold star for self isolation.
  11. The bar news might be a bit of a struggle.
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