monkeyman

Maybe it also depends on which booking company you're using. Possibly Agoda offer good rate for this hotel and others don't.

Congratulations Adam for your fortitude and staying power. Sorry I can't be there. Have a great night everybody.

Maybe it depends who's working on reception, though I would think that the staff are following orders.

LK The Empress does the opposite. The staff at their reception desk recommend that you cancel your third party booking and book direct with themselves for a substantial discount.

LK Residence is indeed in Soi Diana, though if you want to be near the beach then LK The Empress on Soi 12 might suit you better.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to another dive into the depths of depravity that passes as daily life in Pattaya. Best foot forward. Teen bikers have been reportedly throwing ping pong bombs around the Pattaya area. Show bars have been advised to check their ping pong stocks as a safety precaution. Pattaya was recently host to the “Fruits Festival 2026.” You’d think the place had got more than enough fruits already. Tourist Police attended a convenience store after a Chinese visitor was reported to be in a state of distress. Quite understandable really – have you seen what some of these places are charging for chop suey? Tourist Police who helped a pissed-up Japanese man back to his hotel room have denied that they used the local catapult to speed up his journey… When questioned, expats in Pattaya have apparently been saying that having a Thai partner makes for an easier life. It certainly does if they fancy a shag and they’ve only got 200 baht on them. Surgeons in Thailand have come up with a remarkable new device for carrying out complex microsurgery on blood vessels without having to use needles. We believe they call it “a hammer.” Visitors to Pattaya have recently been left somewhat bemused by the appearance of stickers on various businesses saying “Thai Baht Accepted Here.” Sounds like they won’t be taking any more camels then. This phenomenon apparently started in Bangkok as a result of a payment dispute in a restaurant. Gawd knows what the customer tried to pay with. Still waiting for them to do stormy petrel on a stick and gannet ripple… Bar news now, and the Dollhouse reopening that it seems like they’ve been advertising forever may finally be on its way. On the other side of the coin, Skyfall has opened its doors for the last time and is rumoured to have (sky)fallen into Chinese hands. The red car place on Walking Street now seems to be some kind of Russian place called K9. Reckon that name tells us all we need to know about the women in there. There’s also a new go go on Walking Street called Harem (didn’t we have one of those before?) Having already been told by TAT that they favour quality tourists over volume, they’ve now announced that they want to attract 33 million international visitors this year. One thinks that their definition of quality tourists may need to be revisited. Reverse the passage of time as we cast our eyes back to Monkeywatch in July 2016… “Police arrested 37 passenger van drivers last week after they were found to be carrying weapons including guns, knives, batons, baseball bats and axes in their vehicles. The drivers admitted the offences but explained that these items helped them to explain their complex fare structure to complaining passengers. A mandatory seminar for 150 convicted drunk drivers was held in a Pattaya college a couple of weeks ago to impress on them the evils of the demon drink when driving. The workshop ended at 5pm but most of the attendees hung around as the Happy Hour at the college bar didn’t start until an hour later. The Prime Minister and a few of his entourage visited U-Tapao Airport yesterday on a fact-finding visit. Unfortunately, they weren’t able to find any facts so they all buggered off. A bit like that last lot of bar raids, eh?” People will pitch their bloody tents anywhere these days… A young Thai chappie was taken into custody after driving his car into a swimming pool after a row with his mother. Police enquiries are ongoing and it’s also rumoured that he’s being sued for plagiarism by the estate of Keith Moon. A social media clip showing a man stealing clothes and underwear during the night from a washing line in Pattaya has been attracting some attention. Hang on a minute - collecting clothes, moonshine, washing line? Sounds like another plagiarism lawsuit on the way from the estate of Syd Barrett. Anyway, following an anonymous tip-off (it wasn’t us, honest), police are have issued an arrest warrant for Arnold Layne. Don’t think they’ll catch him this time round. Businesses in Pattaya are enraged by claims in a television programme that Pattaya is a “mafia city.” They’ve apparently written to the creator of the programme to let him know that if he repeats this slur, he’s likely to wake up next to a horse’s head. Finally, a dispute during a local card game ended with one person shot dead and two others injured. We understand that no members of the Pattaya Bridge Club were involved. be seeing you monkeyman

Apologies for the font sizes. They seem to have gone awry for some reason. I haven't been able to figure out what the problem is.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for casting a glance in this direction, and welcome to more unlikely tales from the land of the rising dick – or not, as the case may be. Off we go. A Belgian bloke was the latest recruit to the Pattaya Flying Club after he jumped from the eighth floor of a condo block and ended up impersonating a discarded pizza. Reckon it’s probably better to use the elevators. In another victory for the environment, a Thai bloke was left standing in the smoking ruins of his shop after one of his solar panels caught fire and burnt the place to the ground. His shop is now said to be worth net zero. Pattaya has claimed “full marine rescue readiness” should tourists find themselves in aquatic distress. Don’t know what that means. They’ve probably just been oiling their pedalos. Bloody perverts. A strange tale now about a Thai man who rode his motorbike into a reservoir while pissed as a fart. That’s the normal bit, but the strange bit is that he said there was a woman and child on the bike with him but no trace has been found of either. However, rescuers said they heard continuous howling noises so the police concluded that the missing pair had been torn apart by werewolves and abandoned the search. Another case solved by the boys in brown. A Pattaya store has launched a new range of cheap replacement car windscreens… In an effort to increase revenue from holidaymakers, Thailand is to shift its focus to “value-driven tourism.” To the rest of us, this roughly translates as “another tsunami of stinking pigs.” Two Indian tourists went to the police after they were swindled out of 900 dollars in a currency exchange scam. The men said they were distraught as they needed the money for a deal they were putting together over the internet with a Nigerian prince. A man has been fined 10,000 baht after he jumped into a hippo enclosure at a local zoo. So what’s that all about then? Must be some new kind of craze. Apparently, some say it’s nearly as popular as jumping from hotel balconies. Nah, surely not. There’s been a spate of complaints recently about loud car music in the Jomtien area. Why is it that the volume at which people play music in cars seems to be inversely proportional to its quality? Bloody Philistines. Shopping malls are preparing for the latest invasion of head wobblers… Now to bar news, and Maggie May A Go Go seems to have bitten the dust. Nothing much else to report really. Thailand is to curb the price rises of plastic pellets due to supplies running low. This is obviously something we should be deeply concerned about, especially as plastic pellets have recently been classified as a controlled commodity. Or to put it another way, what in the name of Satan’s trousers are they whittering on about? Following the news that a large tour boat has sunk off Koh Larn, the mayor ordered an immediate response. “Oh shit, not another one” might fit the bill. Time for another history lesson as we look back at Monkeywatch in June 2016… “The local Employment and Social Security Offices have joined forces for this Year’s Pattaya Jobs Fair and have appealed to the public for donations that might assist local people to find gainful employment. So far they’ve received some second-hand chrome poles, a couple of fake watches and a plastic bag full of yabba tablets. Police were contacted by a small hotel in Central Pattaya last Wednesday following an incidence of theft from their premises. It seems that a Thai bloke in a sharp suit booked into the place and then was seen driving away shortly afterwards. On checking his room, they found that a large flat screen television had gone missing, along with a big mirror, some shower gel and a quantity of soap (sounds like he made a clean getaway.) The staff were questioned by police but were unable to explain how the man was able to get a large television through the lobby without anyone noticing. They did, however, explain why there was no CCTV recording of the theft – the bloke came back and stole the CCTV equipment while they were checking out his room. Last Tuesday evening, five massage parlours were raided by a team of Pattaya Police, Tourist Police (what did it have to do with them?) and over 100 ‘volunteers’ (why did they volunteer?) They drew a complete blank at all the venues and later announced that they were pleased to see there is no human trafficking in Pattaya. Well, we knew that already, and so did they. Word is they checked some Thai places out in the sticks and found some things going on. Some say they were paid to look the other way, so they did and it was going on over there as well.” We asked the bar girl sitting in this truck if she thought that the girls working in the bars were getting fatter… After a homeless man was found lying in the street by Second Road, local officials sprang into action to lend some assistance. They picked him up and threw him into a nearby rubbish skip. Must be part of their vagrant rehousing scheme. A Thai medical expert has offered his explanation as to why some people stop eating or talking. Well, here’s our explanation – they’re pissed out of their minds. A foreign tourist sparked outrage the other week by performing what was described as a “lewd sea act.” The man in question said he was just floating on his back impersonating a submarine, though he agreed he should’ve ignored the person who shouted “Up periscope!” In a recent television interview, a senior local official said that Pattaya was committed to upgrading its beachfront areas to meet global standards of excellence. Unfortunately, while he was giving the interview with the sea as a backdrop, viewers noticed a beer can, a condom and a turd floating slowly past. Just about sums Pattaya up really. be seeing you monkeyman

The exact location. Well spotted.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap encore une fois (pretentious, moi?), and welcome to our 20th anniversary edition as we trawl our way through another feast of faeces and look at what’s been occurring around Patts of late. Well, the big news of the last month has been the exorbitant 50 percent rise in baht bus fares. Yes, for the first time in 30 years, fares have gone up and it’ll now cost you an eye-watering 15 baht to travel on one of these things. It’s enough to make expats pack up and go home, isn’t it? Or maybe nobody actually gives a shit. And if that wasn’t enough, the ferry fare from Pattaya to Koh Larn has risen for the first time in 16 years from 30 to 40 baht, though passengers are being promised a 10 baht refund if it sinks. Pattaya officials were brought in to investigate after a Thai couple were reported for sleeping outside a shop and scaring off the customers. Would the average shopper really have the shit scared out of them by a couple of sleeping Thais? Doubt it. Bloody snowflakes. Pattaya is installing some more rinse stations after a poll suggested that tourists think the city is the ideal place to get rinsed… City workers were faced with a bit of problem when they were clearing structures encroaching on public land and came across a spirit shrine. They resolved the situation by offering appropriate reverence to the shrine before driving a bulldozer through it. Respect. A Chinese barber has been taken into custody after being caught working illegally in Pattaya. As a result of this, 200 Chinese tourists have also been arrested for being in possession of illegal haircuts. A man took exception to another man who was taking the piss by taking a piss on a Pattaya street so he persuaded the fellow to stop by punching him unconscious. Nothing like settling a dispute with constructive criticism. He must be a bloody big bloke… Bar news now, and it’s a tale of closures throughout the city. Dirty Money A Go Go on Soi Buakhao has closed, as have Abyss and Identi on Walking Steet. Milk on Soi Diamond has also gone and been replaced by Vicky’s Secret (whatever that is.) The Thai film “9 Temples to Heaven” has been chosen for showing at this year’s Cannes Film Festival. It was brought in as a last-minute replacement for the Pattaya-based feature “Invasion of The Head Wobblers” when it was discovered that this wasn’t in fact a science fiction movie but a documentary. Thailand has yet another new initiative in the offing called “Clean Your Air Conditioner for the Nation.” That should really pull the tourists in. It’s yesterday once more time with a peek back at Monkeywatch in May 2016… “A crackdown has been ordered against illegal signs as they “block the scenery and make the area look ugly”. If that’s true perhaps they should consider a crackdown on Chinese tourists as well. The former Secretary to the Minister of Education celebrated his 64th birthday last week at his Pattaya home. Christ, that must have set the local society calendar on fire. No wonder then that the media saw fit to report on this fascinating event. And they call that news? They’ll be reporting on somebody falling into a fish pond next. It’s been reported that a Thai man fell into a fish pond in South Pattaya last Friday. The incident took place in a temple on Moo 10. A spokesman said “The man is as well as can be expected under the circumstances. He’s dead.” He was apparently discovered by a monk while he was cleaning out the pond. Well, you know how it is. You’re cleaning out a fish pond, your mind on other things. You probably don’t notice the odd corpse floating around for a while.” This year’s Pattaya Ladies Circle photographic competition has been won by this picture, entitled “Farang Quartet”… A Thai pensioner who withdrew 200,000 baht from her bank and stuck it in a glass jar because she was afraid of online scammers was more than a little miffed when she returned from a temple and discovered that her glass jar full of money was now just a glass jar. She’d apparently been planning to spend the money to repair damage to her house caused by termites. Perhaps they ate the money as well. A pissed up Thai woman who was found collapsed at the side of a Pattaya road was taken into custody after she insisted she’d been assaulted by a street light. All the street lights in the area have since been questioned but none of them seemed to be prepared to comment. Finally, police were called by Pattaya hotel staff after they found a tourist pissed as a rat asleep in their reception area. It transpired that in his drunken stupor he’d wandered into the wrong hotel – he was actually staying in Chiang Mai. be seeing you monkeyman

And they're nearly all the exact same value. Funny that, innit?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining the party, and welcome to yet another April shower of Songkran. Guess it’s okay if you like that sort of thing – but then anything’s okay if you like that sort of thing. Police arrested 14 people after a raid on a poker den in East Pattaya. Members of the Pattaya Bridge Club have reportedly gone into hiding. Officers detained a man after reports that he was walking around Pattaya stark bollock naked. He was taken to the local police station and charged with being in possession of an unfeasibly small dick. Well at least they didn’t have to strip-search him, and he couldn’t really plead not guilty given the available evidence. Following a rabies alert, Pattaya tourists have been advised to stay clear of stray dogs and cats. Stray dogs and cats have, on the other hand, been advised to stay clear of Chinese restaurants. An outrageous theft took place on April 1 at Pattaya Police Station when thieves broke in and stole all the WC pans from the bathroom. Police say they’ve got nothing to go on. Tourist have finally found a use for those shower thingies on Beach Road. They’re using them to refill their water guns. Pattaya Amateur Dramatic Society rehearsing their production of ‘The Great Escape’… Questions are being asked about Pattaya’s so-called “quality tourist” strategy after many visitors expressed their doubts about claims that the latest initiative was a success. One visitor remarked “I really don’t think that not having to share your drink with at least three other people qualifies you as a quality tourist.” A Chinese woman was pulled from the sea and rushed to hospital at the north end of Pattaya beach after being spotted floating in the water. At the suggestion that it may have been a suicide attempt by drowning, an onlooker remarked “It’d have been quicker to just drink the stuff”. Officials were reportedly sent to investigate after a tourist was found unconscious on the steps in front of Ripley’s. No, we don’t believe it either. On the evening of March 28, Thailand and the rest of the planet were treated to Earth Hour 2026, when everyone was encouraged to turn off their lights for one hour “to raise awareness of climate change.” A case of ‘the lights are off but there’s somebody at home’, pretty much the polar opposite of the sort of people promoting this kind of pointless virtue signalling. Spring is here at last… Bar news now, and G Spot on Soi Pothole has closed down (probably because nobody could find it.) Big Banana Club is to reopen as Kohinoor Club, perhaps an unfortunate choice of name as there used to be an Indian restaurant called Kohinoor where the food was so bad the customers used to do a runner before they’d even eaten it. Identi A Go Go has also go go gone. Must have had an Identi crisis. And it looks like Champagne A Go Go wasn’t as dead as it seemed as it’s reopened yet again. They should rename it Lazarus A Go Go. Dollhouse, on the other hand, is still promising to reopen but there’s no sign of anything happening. Hopefully positive developments will ensue. A woman was taken to Pattaya hospital after becoming impaled on an iron fence while picking mangoes. Funny, we always thought they grew on trees. Local authorities have apparently come up with four alternative routes to ease traffic congestion during Songkran. Presumably two of them are up and down. A little local history now with a peek back at Monkeywatch in April 2016… “Another Chinese tourist was the victim of a drive-by gold neck chain robbery a couple of weeks ago when, like last month, the victim had the chain snatched from around his neck by a passing motorcyclist. The tourist, a Mr Phat Phuk, was out celebrating his birthday in North Pattaya when he was robbed of the necklace, which he claimed was a Cartier and worth 250,000 baht. A street vendor later told police he’d sold the necklace to Mr Phuk for a mere 500 baht as he hadn’t realised it was so valuable. A seminar and workshop were held last month at a Beach Road hotel aimed at promoting Muslim tourism. Reservations were expressed by some attendees, though there was an enthusiastic response from Indian tailors who are already said to be planning ahead by producing waistcoats with at least 20 pockets. An employee is suspected of being responsible for a Central Road hotel room break-in which an Indian couple were robbed of 40,000 baht and an iPhone 6 …and a dozen Faberge eggs, an original painting by Matisse, the Kohinoor diamond, the Ark of the Covenant and a signed copy of the Koran. Police are making further enquiries before the submission of the insurance claim. The Chonburi Immigration Service has deported a man back to Russia following a request from the Russian Embassy. The man was described as a Russian mobster wanted for corruption, fraud, drugs, prostitution and money laundering. Or, to put it another way, a Russian.” One thinks that Pattaya’s claim to have a beachfront tennis court may be a little exaggerated… After a series of tour bus crashes in Thailand, it’s being reported that foreign tourists in Pattaya are becoming scared of long-distance road travel. They should be more scared of crossing the bloody road. It’s been reported that a German has been beaten on Pattaya Beach. You’d think the Germans would have gotten used to being beaten by now (though not usually by katoeys.) Travellers to Thailand have been warned to stay alert following reports that credit cards are being stolen during flights. One victim got particularly agitated, though it wasn’t entirely surprising as he turned out to be the pilot. Looks like we’ve got to padlock our bloody hand luggage now. Finally, some airlines have announced that passengers playing music on their phones at an annoyingly loud level will be ejected from the plane. Hopefully they won’t wait until it lands. be seeing you monkeyman

No idea I'm afraid.

It seems that it hasn't bitten as much dust as we thought as it's due to reopen on April 2.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once again, and welcome to more mad as a March hare goings on from the city that never peeps – it just looks you straight in the eye then farts in your face. Sophistication, Thai style. Foreign women loitering on Beach Road at night have been questioned by immigration authorities after “complaints by tourists” (yeah, right.) Wonder what questions they were asked? Wouldn’t mind betting that “Do you take it up the shitter?” was in there somewhere. Local businesses have been warned that they face a 15-day closure if they block access to public spaces. On hearing this news, a tourist went to the police station and complained that a bunch of stinking pigs were blocking a narrow Soi in Jomtien and asked for the police to close them down for 15 days. He was told this wasn’t possible, though it was later reported that all the stinking pigs in question had been spotted unconscious in a rubbish skip. Guess he must’ve had a word with them. An Italian chappie escaped punishment after apologising for stealing a golden lion statue from a Thai restaurant while allegedly pissed as a fart. The owner decided not to press charges after the statue was returned. She should’ve given him a wop round the head. This year’s Pattaya Kite Festival was won by a kite modelled on Tom Jones’s willy… A sea turtle has been found dead on Pattaya Beach. Police are treating the death as suspicious and a number of suspects have been questioned. We think the butler did it, though he denies all involvement. Well he would, wouldn’t he? A Chinese tourist was rushed to Pattaya hospital the other week after collapsing on Jomtien Beach. Doctors examined the man and found him to be suffering from an acute case of “pissed as a newt”. Makes a change from yellow fever. Several crew members had to be rescued from the water after a 20-ton squid fishing boat sank just off the coast of a local island. Not surprising really. I mean, what kind of an idiot goes fishing for 20-ton squids? Pattaya has been chosen as the opening location for Thailand’s reboot of Doctor Who… Bar news time, and a new go go called Eve’s Club has opened on LK Metro. Not to be outdone, Walking Street also has a new go go that goes by the name of X Club Pattaya. PH 3.9 A Go Go has closed (it must have failed the acid test), and it looks like Champagne A Go Go has shut down yet again. Shame that. Back in the day, it wasn’t a place where you’d get pissed off – quite the reverse in fact. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. The latest arrival is Maggie May’s A Go Go, the location of which should be fairly obvious. Thailand plans to increase its drive to woo back Chinese tourists with safer and higher-quality tourism, so we can presumably expect the south end of Walking Street to be shut down before too long. The past comes back to haunt us as we look back at some bits and pieces from Monkeywatch in March 2016… “We heard a rumour that the elderly card players arrested recently in Pattaya have moved to the North of Thailand where they intend to spend their time playing bridge on the River Kwai (quite appropriate, as the law used to arrest them dates back to the Japanese occupation during World War Two). We’ve heard another story that, in order to avoid detection, they now don scuba gear and play their tournaments on the river bed, but that’s all bridge under the water now. Meanwhile, it’s been reported that the Chiang Mai Chess Club have started posting lookouts outside their meetings. A squid vendor was arrested the other Friday after being reported to police for molesting his young stepdaughter. He is now being held in police custody on a charge of squiddy fiddling. A restaurant in Jomtien was turned into something resembling the set of a horror movie a couple of weeks back when some Ruskie pissheads started acting like zombies and biting the customers. Christ, it must be a pretty shit restaurant if the customers taste better than the food. Shortly afterwards, a chap went in and asked if he could have a seat for lunch and the waiter punched him in the face. A Thai teenager was arrested by police the other Friday afternoon after he confessed to killing his uncle and burying him in a pig sty. Not a nice way to go, spending your days lying beneath a load of stinking pigs. Ask any Soi 16 bar girl. A Chinese tourist was robbed in Central Pattaya by a bloke on a motorbike who rode by and grabbed a gold chain from round his neck. Police were surprised that the thick chain broke and concluded the thief must have spotted there was a chink in it.” Pattaya’s new tube service hasn’t quite lived up to expectations… A Thai homeowner who always insisted on driving diesel powered cars sort of had his point proved when an e-bike left in his garage exploded in the middle of the night, setting fire to his beloved diesel and burning most of his house down. So much for looking after the environment. Speaking of electric bikes, Pattaya’s Public Health Department field operatives have been issued with half a dozen of the things to use on their public health patrols. Don’t think it’ll do much for their own health – if the car fumes don’t get them then some looney driver most certainly will. Finally, it’s been reported that Thailand’s polishing of its image is having a negative effect on Pattaya. Guess it proves the old adage “You can’t polish a turd.” be seeing you monkeyman