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monkeyman

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monkeyman last won the day on March 27

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  1. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more barmy banter from the pits of Patts. Lock me in and throw the key away. An investigation into allegations that fake police have been extorting money from people for possession of E-cigarettes has been halted after it was discovered that the police carrying out the investigation were fake as well - as were the police who made the discovery. Things are rarely what they seem in Pattaya. Pattaya officials have now installed a sign at the Tien Beach Bridge on Koh Larn to warn people of its imminent collapse. Unfortunately, they seem to have forgotten to translate it into Chinese. Pattaya rubbish collectors have been given spiffy new uniforms in an attempt to give them a more professional image. They’ve also been given training in rubbish recognition after several instances of alleged quality tourists being thrown into the back of their trucks. Pattaya has many unusual and exotic attractions on offer for the delight of tourists, such as this fossilised dinosaur shit… Pattaya’s annual Miss Tiffany Universe Contest took place a few weeks ago and was once again won by a poof in a frock. So what happened to diversity then? Thailand’s Tourist Board is reportedly considering ending the controversial dual pricing system that is used by many of the country’s attractions. A spokesman said it might help deflect accusations of racism if stinking foreign pigs were charged the same as Thai nationals. Following complaints by South Pattaya residents of traffic congestion caused by a police checkpoint at the Sophon Market Intersection, the police have agreed to relocate the checkpoint and thus remove the problem. They plan to move it to the south end of Beach Road next to the entrance of Walking Street as “traffic congestion has never been a problem there.” A Pattaya motorcycle dealer has produced this Peter Fonda tribute bike called ‘Queasy Rider’… Bar news now, and the bars are dropping even faster than the tourists’ currency at the moment. Lighthouse and Party Girlz have both closed, the latter after only six weeks, though it fared rather better than Super Model, which didn’t even last six days. Yes A Go Go has also gone, and is rumoured to be reopening as a boys bar for ladies. Wonder what the feminists will make of that? Even Club Oasis has closed, though it’s hard to imagine that anybody gives a shit, and anyway the word is that it’ll reopen shortly after a much needed refurb. On the upside, Bypass has already reopened as Moon and Beavers is up and running in place of Babydolls. We also have a brand new Go Go called Dolls open on Walking Street next door to the ill-fated Super Model. And last but not least, Scooters at Secrets is reopening on September 1. Great stuff. The King had his 67th birthday on July 28. Happy birthday Your Majesty (c’mon, you weren’t really expecting a joke, were you?) Back to the good old days with a pair of yarns from Monkeywatch in August 2009, including the original ‘stinking pig’ story. Whoever that Thai girl was, thanks for the inspiration… “An Iranian couple were arrested a couple of weeks ago after being caught shagging on Pattaya Beach just yards from the police station. The man told police that he thought such behaviour was acceptable in Pattaya, which was also the reason why he'd pissed in the arresting officer's hat. Some Thai girls were walking up Soi 3 the other day when a group of swarthy looking dudes came walking down past them. One of them said something to the girls, to which he got the reply "Stinking Arab pig!" The man, obviously very offended by this remark, shouted back “Not stinking Arab pig, stinking INDIAN pig!" Nice of him to take the time to correct her.” An enterprising little Pattaya company called Stinking Pigs ‘R’ Us is currently marketing these self-build illegal immigrant rafts. We understand they also sell torpedoes… A huge fountain was created in East Pattaya last week following the failure of a large water pipe. Repair crews were initially dispatched but were recalled after someone decided that a more economical solution would be to leave it as it is and not bother to repair the broken fountain at Bali Hai Pier. Whoever came up with that idea is undoubtedly destined for greatness in Pattaya’s corridors of power. South Pattaya residents have been complaining again, this time about a foul smelling black liquid that’s been pervading the area. They were told to stop moaning as Irish tourists never complain and they have to drink the bloody stuff. A Chinese chappie has been arrested after being caught trying to respray Pattaya with graffiti possibly related to the troubles in Hong Kong. Police have now employed a proper Chinese translator to check what the slogans actually say following the dismissal of the original Thai translator who seemed to think it had something to do with a hippopotamus and a purple handbag. Finally, the Minister for Tourism has recommended that entertainment venues in various locations including Pattaya should be allowed to open until 4am to increase revenue from tourists. Well it might have worked in times gone by, but nowadays at 4am the majority of tourists are either tucked up in bed or being shipped back to China in wooden boxes. be seeing you monkeyman
  2. Not a snappy dresser like Corbyn then.
  3. Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying another visit, and welcome to more mayhem from the streets of shame (as in “shame everywhere isn’t like this.”) Off we go. Pattaya is still trying to find a way to solve its flooding problems but thinks it may have come up with the solution – drains. There is a bit more to it, as the plan is to have separate pipes for sewage and storm water, the former going to the sewage treatment plant and the latter directly into the sea. They plan to reinforce this by educating the locals to not chuck flood water down the toilet or shit in the storm drains. The Chonburi Tourist Attraction Association (yes, there really is one) has advised its members that the best way to attract Chinese tourists to Thailand is by online marketing. Members who asked about the best way to stop the little yellow buggers from coming altogether were told to shut the fuck up. Chonburi Immigration has put up a sign outside its Jomtien office outlining the dress code for foreigners visiting its premises. From the look of the pictures on the sign, just about all normal daily clothing is prohibited so you’d better start digging out those tuxedos and ball gowns before your next visit just to be on the safe side. An archaeological dig in North Pattaya has unearthed the remains of a creature thought to be long extinct – the farang tourist… Businesses on Koh Larn have expressed concern about the Tien Beach Bridge, which they reckon is about to collapse. Local authorities have promised to send a few Chinese tour groups across the bridge to test whether it’s safe or not. Hotel guests and their luggage were thrown out onto the street by police in Jomtien a couple of weeks ago when the building was unexpectedly repossessed by debt collectors. “We were treated like stinking pigs” said 95-year-old Bert Shoes, a British citizen and war hero who was staying in the hotel with his wife Gladys. “Where am I going to take my bloody barfines now?” When asked if the guests would get a refund, a hotel representative replied “Well what do you think?” Remember the police chief who was sacked a few weeks ago after local bars were raided by outside forces? Well, his replacement has been sacked – after local bars were raided by outside forces. Do we detect a pattern emerging here? Well the new incumbent clearly does, as he got his retaliation in first by organising some raids on local bars himself. Who’s a clever boy then? He’ll be gone by Christmas. Someone was asking where the Bamboo Bar is. Well, it’s here… A busy bar news this month starting with Babydolls, which has been sold and will soon be rebranded as Beavers. Seems to be a lot of selling and rebranding in that area. Speaking of which, Scooter’s at Secrets has closed for now but is said to be reopening in September in some form or other following further renovations. Nice to hear about a bar being fitted out rather than fitted up. Catwalk also closed, as did Naughty Girls, which has reopened as New Bat but is probably full of old bats. There’s a new Indian club on Walking Street called Bollywood, but it probably won’t be around for long as the people who opened it obviously haven’t managed to grasp the concept that Indians come to Thailand just to get away from places like theirs (seems they may have grasped it now as the place has already shut down.) Glass House has also shut down (they must have been throwing stones) but Bypass looks to be reopening, albeit with a new name. In another classic piece of joined-up government, the Provincial Electricity Authority decided to dig up Central Road without any prior warning on the same weekend as the Pattaya Music Festival. This reportedly led to “bad music festival traffic,” a phrase somewhat open to interpretation. Time for 10 year ago tales now, with a look at a duo of news nibbles from Monkeywatch in July 2009… “Strange tale of the month has to be the German bloke who died on Soi 6 after swallowing his false teeth. Well, it’s got to be a step up from eating German food. Nearly as strange was the Brit who ran into the sea the other Sunday night to avoid paying his bar bill. It didn’t work though, as he was dragged out of the cold water and now he’s in hot water with the police.” The current success of the country’s economy is largely due to the extraordinary diligence and hard work of the Thai people… There’s been another crackdown by police on the trade in laughing gas balloons. During a series of raids, they found two bars to be guilty of balloon trafficking and one bar harbouring a balloon that was under underage. The police were asked to comment, but they either weren’t taking the situation seriously or they’d been inhaling the confiscated stock. Baht bus drivers have been given a ticking off by the head of their association and warned to follow the rules laid out in their code of conduct. This follows a recent incident where a baht bus driver fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into a tailor’s shop, injuring two tourists in the process. Staff in the shop were unharmed, though the owner is suing the driver for smashing his window and crushing his dickie. The police, in their infinite wisdom, have vowed to make zebra crossings in Pattaya safe for us all. Actually, zebra crossings have always been safe - it’s the people who use them that get killed on a regular basis. The downside of all this malarkey is that they’re also talking about enforcing the jaywalking laws, which means if you’re caught crossing the road anywhere other than a designated place you’ll be fined and made to cross the road at a zebra crossing – where you’ll be mown down by a baht bus. Following reports that a Thai woman has been arrested for stealing 130,000 baht from holidaymakers in Pattaya, police confirm that the money has been recovered and they are now trying to trace the 130,000 Chinese tourists who had their holiday money stolen. Finally, a man was arrested by police in Jomtien after being seen jogging naked along the beach road. When questioned, the man said he was just trying to get a Dongtan. be seeing you monkeyman
  4. Apologies to "Confused". This was a sequel to post #2.
  5. Selfish brown swines. If they don't want to be treated like shit they should get jobs with EVA Air(?)
  6. Strike over. Flights resume July 10. Full service by the end of the month.
  7. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to our latest update from the City of You Couldn’t Make It Up. Here we go. The much publicised Pattaya International Fireworks Festival at the end of last month didn’t go quite according to plan. Well it did for a couple of minutes, then it started pissing down and everybody buggered off home. It did eventually recommence a couple of hours later, when it was watched by two passers-by and a small dog. For music lovers there was also a rock band playing, featuring a vocalist who sounded like a cat sliding down a blackboard. Another event with roaring success written all over it. This was followed a few days later by the Thailand Cultural Music Festival, which reportedly tends to consist of a bunch of Thai punk bands pogoing around a stage and spitting profusely on the audience. And if that wasn’t enough, we were then treated to the Pattaya Music Festival, an annual piss-up and punch-up for Thai motorcycle gangs. The fun just never stops. Somebody must have been dreaming of a big cucumber… Tourists will soon have to pay 100 baht on arrival in Thailand as part of a new initiative announced by the Tourism Ministry. Bad news for local businesses as it will completely wipe out the entire holiday budgets of Pattaya’s new breed of quality tourist. City Hall has admitted that Pattaya Beach will have to be replaced every time there’s a storm, as it keeps getting washed away by the flood waters. Environmentalists are predictably up in arms and have demanded that Pattaya should place an immediate ban on single-use beaches. Speed bumps are to be installed along the road by Dongtan Beach following alleged complaints about speeding yahoos on motorbikes. The likely effect of this will be that the speeding yahoos will lose control of their bikes and plough into crowds of unsuspecting tourists. When a reporter asked what would be done to address this potential problem he was punched in the face by the local community relations officer. They say walls have ears but trees in Pattaya used to have them too… Bars news now, and Diamond A Go Go has been replaced by a relocated Sugar Baby and Super Girl is being reborn as Angel A Go Go. Other new arrivals are Party Girlz A Go Go and Romantic House A Go Go, the latter on Pattayaland 1 where it seems like the poofs are slowly getting pushed out by Indians. Well if you can have Soi Cowboy, why not Soi Indian? Also on the way is Super Model A Go Go (haven’t we had that one before?) Latest news is that Romantic A Go Go looks like it’s shut down already - not entirely surprising considering nearly all the passing punters are brown hatters. If you think some Pattaya bars are a bit dodgy, get a load of this. It’s been reported that a Bangkok bar called Asia 44 Nightclub, opened four months ago, has been closed by police after they discovered that the owner was killing customers and serving them up as meals in the restaurant. A police statement was issued to reassure the public that the situation appears to be confined to this particular establishment and that they could continue to patronise other bars safe in the knowledge that they were unlikely to be eaten. However, it was later revealed that the bar owner has several other investments in the city. We await developments. Come to think of it, Pattaya seems to have more and more restaurants and less and less visitors… Rock fans anticipating a rumoured appearance in Pattaya by AC/DC were disappointed to learn that the visit was in fact by the Air and Coastal Defence Command, who we understand are not a rock band as such. ‘Those were the days’ time now with a look back at a duo of news snippets from Monkeywatch in June 2009. “At the beginning of the month, Tourist Police swooped on South Pattaya and rounded up a number of Uzbekistani ladies of the night and took them to the police station for further questioning. Can’t believe it’s a year since the Chief’s last birthday party. Doesn’t time fly? A Brit was arrested by police the other Tuesday after being caught stealing a bag of grapes from Tops Supermarket so he could tread them to make his own wine. He offered police a sample from his last attempt but they weren’t impressed and suggested he took his socks off next time.” Looks like the Klan won’t be getting their laundry back on time… Following complaints of inaction by the local boys in brown, a regional army and police squad raided two Thai nightclubs in Pattaya to check if any untoward activities were taking place. As a result of this, the venues were found to be guilty of having 142 patrons who tested positive for drugs, allowing entrance to under 20s, selling and advertising alcohol without a licence, selling shisha, staying open after permitted hours and allowing drug use on the premises. Items found in the clubs included guns and ammunition, knives, shisha pipes and 62 bags of yabba. The local police chief’s comments that, other than this, the venues were fully compliant with the law were noted and he’s now directing traffic on Dongtan High Street. A new chief will be appointed shortly. The Pig and Whistle on Soi 7 has closed and it’s been speculated that it may be taken over by Indians. Well at least they won’t need to change the name – just expand it a little. Finally, following a report that 80 percent of Pattaya motorbike taxis are illegal, an official statement has been issued thanking the reporters for recognising this huge improvement in the figures and for their positive attitude in publishing such a good news story. Sounds like the old police chief might have found a new job drafting official statements. be seeing you monkeyman
  8. Selfish yellow swines. If they don't want to be treated like shit they should get jobs in Go Go Bars.
  9. Go for Sabai Wing. Same location but newer and better rooms. You can also have a walk-in shower.
  10. The two music bars are just a short distance down the road from the top of Soi 2.
  11. Apologies for not getting that you got it.
  12. It effectively says " this is a show that you most definitely must miss." but the intention was to word it in a way that can potentially be misread as saying the exact opposite.
  13. Glad you picked up on on what I actually said in the last sentence. I thought it might slip by unnoticed.
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