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monkeyman

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  1. It rested in peace from the day it opened.
  2. Greetings Monkeywatchers, a very Merry Christmas to one and all, and welcome to the last of this year’s peeks into the crevices of Slob City. Let the festivities commence. A new German documentary has done a proper hatchet job on Pattaya, reporting that the place is about as safe as Chicago was in the 1920s with fraud, scams, muggings, bag snatchings and assaults happening on an hourly basis. The local police rose to the challenge immediately by ordering a crackdown on nudity in Go Go bars. And if that wasn’t enough, there have also been reports that pollution in Bangkok has risen to record levels, so we can expect that sour-faced little troll from Sweden to start flapping her jaw as well. Pattaya tourism is suffering a catastrophic decline according to a new report, with high season booking showing a 20 per cent decline from last year. It goes on to say that the Chinese and Koreans are buggering off to Vietnam in increasing numbers and that Pattaya’s last hope lies with Indian tourists. No, stop laughing for a minute, the report claims that they spend an average of 10,000 baht each per day. Okay, you can start laughing again now. It also states they tend to travel in groups of 20-30 (and all on the same bloody baht bus most of the time.) And just to prove the point… If you’re planning to visit Jomtien, it may be prudent to avoid engaging in hazardous pursuits such as eating satay pork in a restaurant or using a hotel bathroom, as partaking in these activities has claimed the lives of a local Thai man and a Russian tourist in the last few weeks. The Tourist Authority has already decided to reclassify these activities as dangerous sports and is advising potential visitors to take out the appropriate insurance. Either that or refrain from eating or shitting for the duration of your stay. A number of 7-Eleven stores stopped using plastic bags a few weeks back to see how things went in advance of the national ban that is to be introduced on January 1. Problems immediately arose in one store when people panic buying plastic bags to beat the national ban were told they’d have to buy a paper bag to put them in before they were allowed to leave the premises. Punches were reportedly thrown and a number of displays were smashed in the ensuing fracas. Police were called when the situation escalated even further and the fighting spilled out onto the street. Several arrests were made and numerous weapons were seized. All leave for riot police has now been cancelled for the beginning of January to cope with the national introduction of this popular eco-friendly policy. It’s also been announced that no less than eight TV stations will be censoring any programmes featuring plastic bags, and will presumably be carrying warnings such as “The following programme contains scenes depicting plastic bags which some viewers may find offensive.” You couldn’t make it up. Following the latest disappearance of Pattaya Beach, security nets have been installed to stop the rocks being stolen as well… Christmas bar news begins with more closures, this time New Star and New Bat Club. The unexpected reopening of Party Girlz a few weeks ago unexpectedly didn’t take place – then last week it did. We also have a new Go Go bar on Walking Street called Spicy Girl, a name from the past (well almost). The girls from the former Peppermint seem to have settled at Baccara if anybody’s interested. No, didn’t think you would be. And the former Hidden has just reopened as the Black Banana Club, though it sounds more like a sports bar than a Go Go. A Pattaya coffee shop owner has been criticized for filming one of her customers being attacked with a shoe but not intervening to stop the assault. “You try fighting with the public and filming on a phone at the same time” she retorted when questioned. The police officer in attendance was not impressed and whacked her with one of his boots. The Ghost of Christmas Past walks among us now, looking back at a pair of yuletide tales from Monkeywatch in December 2009… “Three Thai blokes who were about to vandalise a phone box in Jomtien last Thursday got more than they bargained for when they were attacked by a group of civil volunteers who were working nearby. The volunteers beat the men with pieces of the phone that they ripped out of the box then smashed their heads through every pane of glass in the cubicle to subdue them until the police turned up. The police commended the plucky volunteers for their valuable help in eradicating the scourge of telephone box vandalism. Last Friday, a disaster simulation exercise of a road crash was held on Pattaya Third Road to test if local services could cope. Following the success of this operation, Walking Street has been chosen as the venue for the next disaster simulation exercise in which the bars will run out of beer and the Go Go girls will all perform in anoraks.” The deckchair bans introduced to attract more tourists to Pattaya beach seem to be working well… The latest wheeze by the Tourism Authority to boost numbers is to target first time visitors, concentrating on the usual mixture of dregs and stinking pigs that they seem to favour for some inexplicable reason. They appear to have given up on repeat visitors, presumably because they couldn’t find any. Once bitten, twice shy? A major fire drill has been conducted at a hotel in Pattaya following a recent incident where a large number of guests had to be evacuated from another hotel following a fire. The hotel in question only suffered minor damage, unlike the one used for the fire drill which burned to the ground. “Well they said they wanted it to be realistic”, mused one participant as he surveyed the smouldering ruins. There’s a moral in there somewhere – but we’re buggered if we can find it. There was a bit of a ruck over by Soi Buakhao last week when a row between four street vendors turned into a knife fight. Tourists scrambled to safety as the men hacked and slashed at each other until police arrived and arrested three of the men, the fourth having buggered off before they arrived. They were being escorted to hospital when it was discovered that they were in fact Vietnamese working illegally so, as is customary under Thai law, they were given a bloody good hiding and bundled off to the immigration authorities for immediate deportation. Not exactly a clever way to behave if you’re illegal workers. Silly buggers. Finally, the government has announced that New Year’s gifts are to be offered to Thais and tourists to “increase happiness.” The military will be providing medical treatment, car repairs and massage services, so if you fancy having a hairy-arsed Thai soldier rubbing baby oil into your dick it sounds like you’re in for a good time. Merry Christmas everybody. be seeing you monkeyman
  3. Anybody seen "Don't Look Now"?
  4. Not been in myself, but my understanding is that it isn't "hands-on" like Crazy House was and so isn't really the replacement that some may have been hoping for. Doesn't mean it isn't worth a visit of course.
  5. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to this month’s Chinese special edition. Well actually there’s other stuff as well. There’s been some discussion about all the crap Chinese goods being sold in Pattaya. We heard a story about a Thai bloke who plugged in his new Chinese-made soldering iron and it immediately blew out all the street lights and melted the fillings in his teeth. Well, what the hell, this is how the Japanese started and they eventually got it right. Not much consolation to soldering iron owners though, and probably even less to the Thai navy who’ve just ordered a Chinese-built submarine. Voyage to the bottom of the barrel? Bali Hai Pier was the scene of a pitched battle a couple of weeks ago when some Thai businessmen had a bit of a difference of opinion about something or other. There were punches and kicks being thrown, along with chairs, tables, bottles, glasses and anything else they could get their hands on. A passing group of Chinese tourists got caught in the crossfire but fortunately none of them were injured. They were all killed. Talking about dead Chinese, it was reported that a Chinese woman had plummeted to her demise from a condo, but a subsequent statement said that she was actually Korean. Christ, they can’t even tell each other apart. Must have made the British police in Essex feel a whole lot better about their shortcomings in the ethnic identification department. Another Chinese tourist fell off the back of a baht bus while allegedly playing silly buggers with his mates. He was taken to hospital where his condition was described as “not quite dead.” With this kind of stuff going on, one wonders if the Chinese government has decided that the best way to reduce the population of their country is to send them all to Pattaya. Probably not the best name to choose if you’re trying to attract a respectable clientele… Police had a big crackdown on fireworks over Loy Krathong in an attempt to make things safer and to get back to the traditional spirit of the festival. “Loy Krathong should be about peace and tranquillity”, said a police spokesman, “it shouldn’t be about gangs of noisy drunks falling about and shoving lighted fireworks into each other’s bum cracks. That’s what the 5th of November’s for” A pissed-up Ruskie bloke was arrested twice in the same day for flashing his bollocks at tourists on Koh Larn and at Bali Hai Pier. When asked by police for details of what she saw, a female tourist replied “Well it was like a penis, only smaller.” Looks a bit on the draughty side… Bar news this month is a story of closures, starting with the demise of Peppermint. Another piece of Pattaya history bites the dust. Hidden has gone into hiding, as has its owner. Wildcats has closed and become part of an enlarged Pin Up. Teerak, Yes and Crazy House have also gone, though the latter’s been replaced by Pacha (not much of a replacement apparently.) A couple of Thais have been charged with assault after beating up a middle-eastern chappie on Pattaya Beach. They claimed they were performing a citizen’s arrest until the police pointed out that “being a stinking pig” wasn’t actually a criminal offence. Time for a stroll down memory Soi now with a pair of titbits from Monkeywatch in November 2009… “There was a story reported from South Pattaya about three weeks ago entitled “Canadian loses 500,000 baht’s worth of valuables following room theft”. So how do you smuggle a room out of a hotel without anyone noticing? Two monks were arrested for begging a couple of Saturdays ago after being caught doing the rounds of Third Road bars asking punters for money. They were both taken to the temple in South Pattaya and summarily disrobed, at which point it was discovered that the older man was not even a real monk. The police decided not to pursue the begging offence, but the younger man is believed to have been charged with possession of a fake monk in line with the police’s stated aim of cracking down on counterfeit goods.” Harsher penalties have been introduced for smoking on the beach… Pattaya seems to have inherited the title of The Swinging City after two people hanged themselves in separate incidents on the same morning. When asked to speculate about the reason behind these incidents, a police spokesman said “I suppose someone must have given them enough rope.” Some women’s groups held a march down Beach Road last week to raise awareness about domestic violence. Unfortunately, very few women turned up as the rest has been told by their husbands that they’d get a bloody good hiding if their dinner wasn’t on the table when they got home. Finally, a False Killer Whale that was rescued near Pattaya Beach has subsequently died. Anti- counterfeiting police were stood down after a marine biologist explained to them that it’s actually the name of a species of dolphin. be seeing you monkeyman
  6. Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming along, and welcome to this month’s “What’s On in Stinking Pig City.” Apparently there’s a sign inside Hooters Pattaya that says “Our staff aren’t romantically interested in you.” Well Hooters, just for the record, we aren’t romantically interested in them either. Sod the flowers and chocolates, just lie back and think of Thailand, girls. One of the Russian bars on Walking Street has introduced a new concept outside their premises – hello boys. Not sure what kind of punters they think this will attract, but it isn’t likely to be anybody who’s interested in Russian women – or any other kind of women for that matter. Weird sods. There’s a strange character lurking around on Beach Road up by Soi 1 that the expression “three-legged ballerina” could have been invented for. This peculiar individual is an unfeasibly skinny Thai bloke who walks around on the balls of his feet like he’s wearing an invisible pair of stilettos. Various theories have been expounded as to the reason for his behaviour but the general consensus is that it’s because he’s as bent as a corkscrew. The opening party for the newly-built Islamic State Resort Hotel didn’t go quite as planned when the building was completely destroyed by multiple explosions. After being dragged from the rubble, the hotel manager Mustapha Kamilkok said “I told the staff to change their sodding vests before they came to work. Why doesn’t anybody listen?” … Just when you think you’ve seen it all, a street vendor on a motor tricycle was recently seen haring down the road and cooking his food at the same time. Would have been quite an innovative and timesaving idea if he’d noticed the hole that had been dug in the road and into which he subsequently disappeared. Perhaps multitasking isn’t always the best way. Thailand is planning to start introducing a ban on single-use plastic bags from next year. There’s been a rumour that they’re also thinking of banning single-use condoms, though we’re aware that certain ethnic groups introduced this ban voluntarily several years ago. On a baht bus the other week there was a swarthy-looking character who could only be described as the ultimate stinking pig. This fellow was so utterly rancid that, even in an open baht bus, the smell was something akin to being screwed into a coffin with a pair a zookeeper’s boots. Bet he’s a real hit with the bar girls. Police have finally arrested the perpetrator of this heinous crime committed on Pattaya Beach and the offender is to be publicly executed on Beach Road next Wednesday… Time for bar news, and this has been the month of the Go Go comeback with the reopening of Hidden, Super Model and Yes, though the latter doesn’t really count as it’s gone over to the dark side, so to speak. Sugar Baby has also reopened but is now Golden Club. It’s also now Chinese and utter crap. Sadly, the reopenings have been matched by closures in the shape of Ginza, Office and (possibly) Harem. Ho hum. Pattaya has come up with a new winner of an idea – blind football. Interesting, but no substitute for blow football – at least not the way it’s played on Soi 6. Drift back through time now and relive a pair of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch back in October 2009… “There was a minor disturbance in one of the fast food joints last week when an Arab starting mouthing off about his food not being hot enough. Fortunately, the establishment's customer service manager was on hand to smoothe over the situation by hitting him in the face with a chair. I must say it's most gratifying to see that so many businesses in Pattaya are taking the trouble to equip their staff with the necessary interpersonal skills for dealing with customer complaints. Did you know there's a place in Naklua called German Skatclub? The word is that it's a load of crap, but in this particular case that might well be a recommendation.” The infestation of the yellow peril in Pattaya has now reached the point where even the infamous Stinking Piggery has been forced to add Chinese food to its menu… Once upon a time (well, last July actually) Pattaya had a police chief who got the sack after a brief period in the job. He was replaced by a new police chief who also got sacked within a couple of weeks of being appointed. A third police chief was appointed and we confidently predicted that he'd be gone by Christmas. Well, we were right. He dropped dead last week on his way to a meeting. Probably couldn’t stand the strain of being in the job for such a long time. Finally, there was an oriental-type bloke who let out what can only be described as the mother of all sneezes in a go go bar a couple of weeks ago. He fell off his seat and was soaked head to foot by the pint of draught beer he’d just bought. He then got up and looked around sheepishly, stuffed some soggy notes into his bin and slunk out of the door hoping nobody had noticed - a vain hope as just about everybody in the vicinity saw it and laughed like drains. Silly bugger. be seeing you monkeyman
  7. Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your valued patronage, and welcome to this month’s surprisingly stinking pigless edition (we’ll make up for it next month though.) It’s looking increasingly likely that 4am closing in Pattaya will be approved before very long. It’s also been suggested that the best place to pilot the plan would be Walking Street. Well actually fellas, Walking Street has been piloting the plan for the last 20 years or so and it seems to have worked okay up to now. The Thai Tourism Ministry have put out an official statement informing the world that tourism is up by 5 percent compared to last year. Journalists who approached the ministry for evidence to support this claim were told that nobody was available as they were all out shooting pigs with surface-to-air missiles. Here’s a new one even for Thailand – fake temples. It seems that some despicable Chinese bounder has built a fake chapel on some temple land he rented and has been shipping in coachloads of Chinese tourists so he can sell them piles of outrageously priced pseudo-religious tat. Seems that if you’re one of their fellow countrymen, you can get away with selling anything to the silly little yellow buggers. Well, as the old Chinese saying goes, there’s a million born every minute. Also tourist-free and zero holidaymakers by the look of it… Why is most long haul airline food such disgusting crap? It’s amazing that companies can come up with so many new innovations to make the flying experience as enjoyable as possible then serve up food that you wouldn’t feed to a dog – and if you did, the dog probably wouldn’t eat it. Not a great start to the holiday experience. A dead dolphin has been found on the Chonburi coast. No doubt the local Burmese workers are already being rounded up by the boys in brown. There seems to be less and less bars putting on free food nights these days. Word is they don’t want to risk their regular punters being trampled to death by Chinese tour groups. The new sewage pipes being laid under Beach Road appear to be ribbed – for extra sensitivity perhaps?.. Bar news now, and first up is Oasis A Go Go, which has finally bitten the dust and been replaced by Serenity A Go Go. Crazy House has closed for two months for renovation and the staff have relocated to Lighthouse, which has now reopened (don’t suppose there would have been much point in them going there if it hadn’t.) Scooters at Secrets has also reopened and has pretty much carried on where it left off, though there’s a rumour going round that it may become a restaurant. Black Snake Club has opened on Soi Buakhao but is apparently only of interest to women and poofs. Probably not too many girls working there then. Last week saw the welcome return of the Pattaya dance contest, the first to take place for many years. The event took place at Dollhouse, who were competing against Beavers and Electric Blue. Dollhouse came out winners and the night was generally a success and very much in the spirit of the old days. The only real criticism was that the girls weren’t nearly pissed enough and were just a little bit more inhibited than one might have liked. The one exception was a contestant from Dollhouse who was as pissed as a rat and predictably ran out as the worthy winner and recipient of the 10,000 baht first prize – then spent the end of the evening throwing up. This is the stuff. We also had the appearance of Asian Idol on Beach Road this month, a not entirely enjoyable exhibition of screeching and caterwauling by contestants who clearly had no concept of lyrics, time or key – or interest. Back to the good old days now with a couple of yarns from Monkeywatch of September 2009… “Fire units were called to the Zahrat Alkhaleg Middle Eastern Restaurant in South Pattaya the other Wednesday after the place was reported to have been blown up by a suicide food critic. The establishment was severely gutted (as was the owner), but customers who managed to salvage bits of charred food from the burning wreckage said it had never tasted so good. The infamous Red Shirts held a protest outside City Hall on Wednesday despite having signed an agreement not to take action that would do even more damage to Pattaya’s ailing tourist industry. Pity they couldn’t get the police to sign it as well.” Welcome to the beachfront paradise that is Pattaya… An elderly German cyclist ended up lying in a ditch with a gashed leg and a smashed up bike after being charged by an elephant in Banglamung recently. A representative from Pattaya Elephant Village said “We’ve no sympathy with him at all. He obviously didn’t take any notice of the signs warning cyclists not to go around picking fights with elephants.” Plans are afoot to construct underground toilets at Pattaya Beach. These are presumably intended to replace the current Pattaya Beach toilet, or as it’s more commonly known, Pattaya Beach. According to the latest road accident statistics, Thailand now ranks ninth in the world for road deaths. When asked what the authorities planned to do in order to improve the figures, a spokesman said “Nothing at all. We think ninth is high enough.” Typical Thais – no ambition at all. be seeing you monkeyman
  8. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more barmy banter from the pits of Patts. Lock me in and throw the key away. An investigation into allegations that fake police have been extorting money from people for possession of E-cigarettes has been halted after it was discovered that the police carrying out the investigation were fake as well - as were the police who made the discovery. Things are rarely what they seem in Pattaya. Pattaya officials have now installed a sign at the Tien Beach Bridge on Koh Larn to warn people of its imminent collapse. Unfortunately, they seem to have forgotten to translate it into Chinese. Pattaya rubbish collectors have been given spiffy new uniforms in an attempt to give them a more professional image. They’ve also been given training in rubbish recognition after several instances of alleged quality tourists being thrown into the back of their trucks. Pattaya has many unusual and exotic attractions on offer for the delight of tourists, such as this fossilised dinosaur shit… Pattaya’s annual Miss Tiffany Universe Contest took place a few weeks ago and was once again won by a poof in a frock. So what happened to diversity then? Thailand’s Tourist Board is reportedly considering ending the controversial dual pricing system that is used by many of the country’s attractions. A spokesman said it might help deflect accusations of racism if stinking foreign pigs were charged the same as Thai nationals. Following complaints by South Pattaya residents of traffic congestion caused by a police checkpoint at the Sophon Market Intersection, the police have agreed to relocate the checkpoint and thus remove the problem. They plan to move it to the south end of Beach Road next to the entrance of Walking Street as “traffic congestion has never been a problem there.” A Pattaya motorcycle dealer has produced this Peter Fonda tribute bike called ‘Queasy Rider’… Bar news now, and the bars are dropping even faster than the tourists’ currency at the moment. Lighthouse and Party Girlz have both closed, the latter after only six weeks, though it fared rather better than Super Model, which didn’t even last six days. Yes A Go Go has also gone, and is rumoured to be reopening as a boys bar for ladies. Wonder what the feminists will make of that? Even Club Oasis has closed, though it’s hard to imagine that anybody gives a shit, and anyway the word is that it’ll reopen shortly after a much needed refurb. On the upside, Bypass has already reopened as Moon and Beavers is up and running in place of Babydolls. We also have a brand new Go Go called Dolls open on Walking Street next door to the ill-fated Super Model. And last but not least, Scooters at Secrets is reopening on September 1. Great stuff. The King had his 67th birthday on July 28. Happy birthday Your Majesty (c’mon, you weren’t really expecting a joke, were you?) Back to the good old days with a pair of yarns from Monkeywatch in August 2009, including the original ‘stinking pig’ story. Whoever that Thai girl was, thanks for the inspiration… “An Iranian couple were arrested a couple of weeks ago after being caught shagging on Pattaya Beach just yards from the police station. The man told police that he thought such behaviour was acceptable in Pattaya, which was also the reason why he'd pissed in the arresting officer's hat. Some Thai girls were walking up Soi 3 the other day when a group of swarthy looking dudes came walking down past them. One of them said something to the girls, to which he got the reply "Stinking Arab pig!" The man, obviously very offended by this remark, shouted back “Not stinking Arab pig, stinking INDIAN pig!" Nice of him to take the time to correct her.” An enterprising little Pattaya company called Stinking Pigs ‘R’ Us is currently marketing these self-build illegal immigrant rafts. We understand they also sell torpedoes… A huge fountain was created in East Pattaya last week following the failure of a large water pipe. Repair crews were initially dispatched but were recalled after someone decided that a more economical solution would be to leave it as it is and not bother to repair the broken fountain at Bali Hai Pier. Whoever came up with that idea is undoubtedly destined for greatness in Pattaya’s corridors of power. South Pattaya residents have been complaining again, this time about a foul smelling black liquid that’s been pervading the area. They were told to stop moaning as Irish tourists never complain and they have to drink the bloody stuff. A Chinese chappie has been arrested after being caught trying to respray Pattaya with graffiti possibly related to the troubles in Hong Kong. Police have now employed a proper Chinese translator to check what the slogans actually say following the dismissal of the original Thai translator who seemed to think it had something to do with a hippopotamus and a purple handbag. Finally, the Minister for Tourism has recommended that entertainment venues in various locations including Pattaya should be allowed to open until 4am to increase revenue from tourists. Well it might have worked in times gone by, but nowadays at 4am the majority of tourists are either tucked up in bed or being shipped back to China in wooden boxes. be seeing you monkeyman
  9. Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying another visit, and welcome to more mayhem from the streets of shame (as in “shame everywhere isn’t like this.”) Off we go. Pattaya is still trying to find a way to solve its flooding problems but thinks it may have come up with the solution – drains. There is a bit more to it, as the plan is to have separate pipes for sewage and storm water, the former going to the sewage treatment plant and the latter directly into the sea. They plan to reinforce this by educating the locals to not chuck flood water down the toilet or shit in the storm drains. The Chonburi Tourist Attraction Association (yes, there really is one) has advised its members that the best way to attract Chinese tourists to Thailand is by online marketing. Members who asked about the best way to stop the little yellow buggers from coming altogether were told to shut the fuck up. Chonburi Immigration has put up a sign outside its Jomtien office outlining the dress code for foreigners visiting its premises. From the look of the pictures on the sign, just about all normal daily clothing is prohibited so you’d better start digging out those tuxedos and ball gowns before your next visit just to be on the safe side. An archaeological dig in North Pattaya has unearthed the remains of a creature thought to be long extinct – the farang tourist… Businesses on Koh Larn have expressed concern about the Tien Beach Bridge, which they reckon is about to collapse. Local authorities have promised to send a few Chinese tour groups across the bridge to test whether it’s safe or not. Hotel guests and their luggage were thrown out onto the street by police in Jomtien a couple of weeks ago when the building was unexpectedly repossessed by debt collectors. “We were treated like stinking pigs” said 95-year-old Bert Shoes, a British citizen and war hero who was staying in the hotel with his wife Gladys. “Where am I going to take my bloody barfines now?” When asked if the guests would get a refund, a hotel representative replied “Well what do you think?” Remember the police chief who was sacked a few weeks ago after local bars were raided by outside forces? Well, his replacement has been sacked – after local bars were raided by outside forces. Do we detect a pattern emerging here? Well the new incumbent clearly does, as he got his retaliation in first by organising some raids on local bars himself. Who’s a clever boy then? He’ll be gone by Christmas. Someone was asking where the Bamboo Bar is. Well, it’s here… A busy bar news this month starting with Babydolls, which has been sold and will soon be rebranded as Beavers. Seems to be a lot of selling and rebranding in that area. Speaking of which, Scooter’s at Secrets has closed for now but is said to be reopening in September in some form or other following further renovations. Nice to hear about a bar being fitted out rather than fitted up. Catwalk also closed, as did Naughty Girls, which has reopened as New Bat but is probably full of old bats. There’s a new Indian club on Walking Street called Bollywood, but it probably won’t be around for long as the people who opened it obviously haven’t managed to grasp the concept that Indians come to Thailand just to get away from places like theirs (seems they may have grasped it now as the place has already shut down.) Glass House has also shut down (they must have been throwing stones) but Bypass looks to be reopening, albeit with a new name. In another classic piece of joined-up government, the Provincial Electricity Authority decided to dig up Central Road without any prior warning on the same weekend as the Pattaya Music Festival. This reportedly led to “bad music festival traffic,” a phrase somewhat open to interpretation. Time for 10 year ago tales now, with a look at a duo of news nibbles from Monkeywatch in July 2009… “Strange tale of the month has to be the German bloke who died on Soi 6 after swallowing his false teeth. Well, it’s got to be a step up from eating German food. Nearly as strange was the Brit who ran into the sea the other Sunday night to avoid paying his bar bill. It didn’t work though, as he was dragged out of the cold water and now he’s in hot water with the police.” The current success of the country’s economy is largely due to the extraordinary diligence and hard work of the Thai people… There’s been another crackdown by police on the trade in laughing gas balloons. During a series of raids, they found two bars to be guilty of balloon trafficking and one bar harbouring a balloon that was under underage. The police were asked to comment, but they either weren’t taking the situation seriously or they’d been inhaling the confiscated stock. Baht bus drivers have been given a ticking off by the head of their association and warned to follow the rules laid out in their code of conduct. This follows a recent incident where a baht bus driver fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into a tailor’s shop, injuring two tourists in the process. Staff in the shop were unharmed, though the owner is suing the driver for smashing his window and crushing his dickie. The police, in their infinite wisdom, have vowed to make zebra crossings in Pattaya safe for us all. Actually, zebra crossings have always been safe - it’s the people who use them that get killed on a regular basis. The downside of all this malarkey is that they’re also talking about enforcing the jaywalking laws, which means if you’re caught crossing the road anywhere other than a designated place you’ll be fined and made to cross the road at a zebra crossing – where you’ll be mown down by a baht bus. Following reports that a Thai woman has been arrested for stealing 130,000 baht from holidaymakers in Pattaya, police confirm that the money has been recovered and they are now trying to trace the 130,000 Chinese tourists who had their holiday money stolen. Finally, a man was arrested by police in Jomtien after being seen jogging naked along the beach road. When questioned, the man said he was just trying to get a Dongtan. be seeing you monkeyman
  10. Apologies to "Confused". This was a sequel to post #2.
  11. Selfish brown swines. If they don't want to be treated like shit they should get jobs with EVA Air(?)
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