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monkeyman last won the day on March 27

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  1. Apologies to "Confused". This was a sequel to post #2.
  2. Selfish brown swines. If they don't want to be treated like shit they should get jobs with EVA Air(?)
  3. Strike over. Flights resume July 10. Full service by the end of the month.
  4. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to our latest update from the City of You Couldn’t Make It Up. Here we go. The much publicised Pattaya International Fireworks Festival at the end of last month didn’t go quite according to plan. Well it did for a couple of minutes, then it started pissing down and everybody buggered off home. It did eventually recommence a couple of hours later, when it was watched by two passers-by and a small dog. For music lovers there was also a rock band playing, featuring a vocalist who sounded like a cat sliding down a blackboard. Another event with roaring success written all over it. This was followed a few days later by the Thailand Cultural Music Festival, which reportedly tends to consist of a bunch of Thai punk bands pogoing around a stage and spitting profusely on the audience. And if that wasn’t enough, we were then treated to the Pattaya Music Festival, an annual piss-up and punch-up for Thai motorcycle gangs. The fun just never stops. Somebody must have been dreaming of a big cucumber… Tourists will soon have to pay 100 baht on arrival in Thailand as part of a new initiative announced by the Tourism Ministry. Bad news for local businesses as it will completely wipe out the entire holiday budgets of Pattaya’s new breed of quality tourist. City Hall has admitted that Pattaya Beach will have to be replaced every time there’s a storm, as it keeps getting washed away by the flood waters. Environmentalists are predictably up in arms and have demanded that Pattaya should place an immediate ban on single-use beaches. Speed bumps are to be installed along the road by Dongtan Beach following alleged complaints about speeding yahoos on motorbikes. The likely effect of this will be that the speeding yahoos will lose control of their bikes and plough into crowds of unsuspecting tourists. When a reporter asked what would be done to address this potential problem he was punched in the face by the local community relations officer. They say walls have ears but trees in Pattaya used to have them too… Bars news now, and Diamond A Go Go has been replaced by a relocated Sugar Baby and Super Girl is being reborn as Angel A Go Go. Other new arrivals are Party Girlz A Go Go and Romantic House A Go Go, the latter on Pattayaland 1 where it seems like the poofs are slowly getting pushed out by Indians. Well if you can have Soi Cowboy, why not Soi Indian? Also on the way is Super Model A Go Go (haven’t we had that one before?) Latest news is that Romantic A Go Go looks like it’s shut down already - not entirely surprising considering nearly all the passing punters are brown hatters. If you think some Pattaya bars are a bit dodgy, get a load of this. It’s been reported that a Bangkok bar called Asia 44 Nightclub, opened four months ago, has been closed by police after they discovered that the owner was killing customers and serving them up as meals in the restaurant. A police statement was issued to reassure the public that the situation appears to be confined to this particular establishment and that they could continue to patronise other bars safe in the knowledge that they were unlikely to be eaten. However, it was later revealed that the bar owner has several other investments in the city. We await developments. Come to think of it, Pattaya seems to have more and more restaurants and less and less visitors… Rock fans anticipating a rumoured appearance in Pattaya by AC/DC were disappointed to learn that the visit was in fact by the Air and Coastal Defence Command, who we understand are not a rock band as such. ‘Those were the days’ time now with a look back at a duo of news snippets from Monkeywatch in June 2009. “At the beginning of the month, Tourist Police swooped on South Pattaya and rounded up a number of Uzbekistani ladies of the night and took them to the police station for further questioning. Can’t believe it’s a year since the Chief’s last birthday party. Doesn’t time fly? A Brit was arrested by police the other Tuesday after being caught stealing a bag of grapes from Tops Supermarket so he could tread them to make his own wine. He offered police a sample from his last attempt but they weren’t impressed and suggested he took his socks off next time.” Looks like the Klan won’t be getting their laundry back on time… Following complaints of inaction by the local boys in brown, a regional army and police squad raided two Thai nightclubs in Pattaya to check if any untoward activities were taking place. As a result of this, the venues were found to be guilty of having 142 patrons who tested positive for drugs, allowing entrance to under 20s, selling and advertising alcohol without a licence, selling shisha, staying open after permitted hours and allowing drug use on the premises. Items found in the clubs included guns and ammunition, knives, shisha pipes and 62 bags of yabba. The local police chief’s comments that, other than this, the venues were fully compliant with the law were noted and he’s now directing traffic on Dongtan High Street. A new chief will be appointed shortly. The Pig and Whistle on Soi 7 has closed and it’s been speculated that it may be taken over by Indians. Well at least they won’t need to change the name – just expand it a little. Finally, following a report that 80 percent of Pattaya motorbike taxis are illegal, an official statement has been issued thanking the reporters for recognising this huge improvement in the figures and for their positive attitude in publishing such a good news story. Sounds like the old police chief might have found a new job drafting official statements. be seeing you monkeyman
  5. Selfish yellow swines. If they don't want to be treated like shit they should get jobs in Go Go Bars.
  6. Go for Sabai Wing. Same location but newer and better rooms. You can also have a walk-in shower.
  7. The two music bars are just a short distance down the road from the top of Soi 2.
  8. Apologies for not getting that you got it.
  9. It effectively says " this is a show that you most definitely must miss." but the intention was to word it in a way that can potentially be misread as saying the exact opposite.
  10. Glad you picked up on on what I actually said in the last sentence. I thought it might slip by unnoticed.
  11. Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for taking the time to look in, and welcome a fresh batch of tales both short and tall from the City of Sniggers (or are we supposed to say Safrican Americans these days?) When the local boys in brown put up a poster on their notice board outside the police station saying “Woman Wanted For Sattahip Temple Burglary” they were surprised to find that several women turned up and asked if they could apply for the job. An Indian quality tourist turned up at the police station the other day claiming that “a woman with long hair” (he obviously has an eye for detail) had done a bunk with his gold necklace valued at 41,000 baht (valued by him, one suspects.) He said the woman had ridden up on a motorcycle and propositioned him, which he of course refused as any quality tourist would. After she rode away, he realised that the gold chain had disappeared, obviously not having noticed the item being removed from around his neck during their conversation. The desk sergeant filled in a report and deposited it in the police station’s ‘Thefts from Indians” file, a wire basket on the floor in the corner of the room. Didn’t call him a stinking pig though. Must have slipped his mind. A taxi driver who was reportedly depressed climbed up a cellphone tower in Nong Plalai and stayed up there for seven hours before coming down for a smoke. He told police he’d climbed up there because one of his relatives was going to shoot him. Sounds reasonable. I mean, if someone’s out to shoot you, what better place to hide from them than the top of a cellphone tower? Unbelievable. Here’s a quick way to get to Heaven Above. Just climb up here and stick your hand in the junction box… Over 100 people were arrested after a massive gang fight on Pattaya Beach, the like of which hasn’t been seen since the Brits had their Mods and Rockers punch ups on Brighton Beach in the 1960s. After watching the film “Quadrophenia”, police decided to raid Scooter’s Bar and Harley Bar for likely suspects but were unsuccessful on both counts, the former because they didn’t know which of the Scooter’s bars to raid and the latter because it shut down about 10 years ago. Just another day in the family-friendly resort of Pattaya. Grave cleaners in Pattaya who were digging a bloke up so he could be cremated (it’s a Thai thing, don’t ask) were surprised to discover that you actually can take it with you when you go after the stiff in question was found to have no less than 100,000 baht about his person. The money, it’s said, will be used for merit-making. Bet you could make a shitload of merits with that stash – if you knew what merits were and how to make them. Thailand celebrated this year’s Press Freedom Day by blocking the BBC coverage of the coronation. Nobody seems to be saying who ordered it or why, though it’s been suggested that some previous remarks relating to similarities with Prince Charles in the area of aural physiognomy may be involved. One of Pattaya’s many claims to fame is that it invented the concept of concrete dog shit as a tourist attraction… A smattering of bar news now. On LK Metro, Office A Go Go has reopened as Office Club, and on Soi Diamond a new Carousel Bar has opened called New Carousel Bar. They must sit up all night coming up with these innovative new names. Bollywood a Go Go has been relaunched on Pattayaland 1, though they’re actually fibbing as it reportedly isn’t a Go Go but a dance bar. Could be some Indian bints in there who are up for it, but don’t hold your breath (actually, that might be a bad piece of advice.) It’s been reported that the trash in Pattaya is damaging the reputation of the city as a world-class resort. And there was us thinking it was down to the Mafia, the Triads, drugs, dregs, stinking pigs, muggings, beatings, shootings, stabbings, gang fights, prostitution, slavery and corruption. Shows how much we know. Let’s do the time warp again with a duo of memories from Monkeywatch in May 2009. “There was a bit of a rumpus in Central Pattaya a couple of Thursdays ago after a refuse collector found a live grenade in a green rubbish bin. A council representative said that they were shocked to hear of this as every household had been sent a leaflet expressly instructing them to put all grenades into their black bins. A man was arrested on Larn Island last week after being reported by local residents for various instances of theft, fraud, blackmail, extortion and assault. He was taken to Pattaya Police Station where he was charged with impersonating a police officer.” This must be the new improved Thai Airways Boeing 737… Customers in a Pattaya car park were somewhat surprised when a Thai man came crashing through the roof and ended up in a heap on the floor. Rescue workers postulated that the man, who appeared to be in an elevated state of consciousness, might have been looking for an apartment in the adjoining building and “got a bit lost.” That’s an understatement. Following the latest jumping incident at Central Festival, it’s been revealed that they’ve come up with a way to solve the problem – machines that clean up the mess in double quick time. Way to go, fellas. The last thing tourists want when they’re out shopping is to get that sort of goo all over their nice new shoes. The formerly beautiful Maya Bay has had to be closed for two years after being trampled underfoot by relentless hordes of cretinous slant-eyed lemmings. Good news for the bay, but bad news for the locals – and the sharks. Finally, if you’re in town right now then you’re just in time for the Pattaya International Fireworks Festival 2019 that’s being held on Pattaya Beach on 24 and 25 May. If past events are anything to go by, this is a show that you most definitely must not fail to miss. be seeing you monkeyman
  12. They've done this before on more than one occasion. The reason was rumoured to be too many empty seats.
  13. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more stories from post-Songkran Pattaya now locals have stopped throwing water at each other and gone back to putting it in the beer. The Thai Meteorological Department predicted recently that April would be a wet month. Well given that the roads have just been under a foot of water it ain’t likely to be a fuckin’ drought is it? A wise man once said, “White man with brown cock has just come from Dongtan.” Not in this bloody weather he hasn’t. Pedestrians have been warned to take care if they venture onto Pattaya North Road during the repaving work as it’s currently about as safe as walking through a minefield in Afghanistan. The warning unfortunately comes too late for the Chinese tourist who stumbled over a pile of bricks and plunged into an open sewer (no sniggering at the back there.) Pattaya officials are currently working on plans for the redevelopment of Big Buddha Hill. A spokesman said that no decisions had yet been taken but strongly denied rumours that the Buddha was to be replaced by Ronald McDonald. He was last seen driving off to City Hall in his new Bentley. This month’s Underwater Farting Contest at Central Festival produced some impressive performances… Drainage improvements are continuing apace in Jomtien in an attempt to solve the continuing problems with flooding. They identified one problem as a dead Russian blocking a storm drain but manage to dissolve him with a few gallons of Mr Muscle (other brands of Russian dissolver are available.) Tourist attractions in Pattaya are undergoing safety checks after a nasty incident in Chiang Mai when their Flight of the Gibbon turned into Plummet of the Canadian when a zip line broke and turned an unfortunate Canuck into a grease spot. As the old saying goes “If man was meant to fly, God would’ve given him Frequent Flyers Cards. Just a quick reminder for first time visitors to Pattaya that The Dog’s Bollocks is a sports bar and not a Korean restaurant. Staff at Pattaya’s shopping malls prepare themselves for the arrival of a new batch of quality tourists… Bar news time, and the recently deceased Mandarin has re-emerged as Rich A Go Go. Hidden and Bypass are now hidden and bypassed, or to put it another way, they’re both closed. Scooters has now opened on Soi 14 though it’s still recognisable as the Secrets of old - but with scooters. The Lucky Carousel Bar in the centre of Soi Diamond, which seems to have been around forever, is sadly around no more. Another bit of Pattaya heritage lost forever – unless it reopens of course. One place that will be reopening is Office A Go Go, which closed recently following a change of ownership. A Pakistani quality tourist turned up at Pattaya Police Station the other day to report that his girlfriend of two hours had done a bunk with 3000 baht of his hard-earned while he was taking a shower. Dismayed at the apparent disinterest of the boys in brown, he protested that he was a Pakistani citizen and his human rights had been infringed, at which point he was told that he was a stinking pig and he didn’t have any rights at all, human or otherwise. He was then told to bugger off or he’d be arrested for wasting police time. And all this for 3000 baht. Was he taking the piss or what? Drift back through time now and revisit a couple of tales from Monkeywatch in April 2009… “It’s been reported that monkeys have been catching buses to and from markets where they go to steal food. Very strange. Actually, it might be interesting to know whether they pay 5 or 10 baht on the bus. Then again, it might not. A rubbish tip in Na-Jomtien has been invaded by vast numbers of birds that have decided to settle there so they can feed on the tasty titbits in the refuse. Interestingly, they seem to be ignoring the discarded boxes of McDonalds, Pizza Hut and KFC in favour of the abundant supply of worms on the site. All those birds can’t be wrong, so next time you fancy some fast food, get yourself a wormburger. You know it makes sense.” There’s a new campaign under way to tidy up Pattaya, so if you find any dead Chinese tourists lying about, please throw them into one of these and fill it in. Thank you for your co-operation… Officials in Nongprue have responded to complaints from local people about the floods in the area. They’ve said they don’t give a rat’s ass. Thailand has once again been honoured with the title of “least miserable economy” in an international Misery Index that seems to have a glass completely empty philosophy. Interesting to note that only one western country featured in the top five. Miserable gits. We can’t finish without mentioning that the election is over and we eagerly await the result next month so the country can enter a new era of peace, freedom and democracy. Cue the tanks… be seeing you monkeyman
  14. Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for popping in again, and welcome to our election special where we can announce that the result is….well we don’t know yet, so let’s talk about something else. Terminal 21 Shopping Mall has issued an apology after it was caught on video giving preferential treatment to rich patrons over disabled customers. When asked if he could give an assurance that this wouldn’t happen again, a mall representative said “No, but when it does happen again we’ll apologise again.” Following reports of police raids on Pattaya chop shops, the police have issued a statement to make it clear that the raids in question were on garages and not gender reassignment clinics. The Tourist Authority of Thailand has announced a new strategy in which they plan to target Indian and Muslim tourists. The police have offered to help by loaning them a few of their best marksmen. Police searching for a missing Chinese tourist announce a breakthrough after they find his penis near Pattaya Beach… Pattaya is to host the World Weightlifting Championships in September but no Thais will be taking part as they’ve all been banned for drug infringements. Perhaps foot shooting would be a better sport for them. They’ve also had to withdraw from the 2020 Olympics, which is a great shame as several government ministers were expected to win medals in the dope test. The annual market held every year in Naklua came to an end on February 24 with something call “Walk and Eat.” This was reportedly followed by something called “Bend and Puke.” A local caterer is helping police with their enquiries. The local boys in brown have been coming under fire from residents and tourists for not enforcing the ban on motorcycles using the Pattaya Central Road Tunnel after several gangs of Thai yobs were spotted using it as a racetrack. A spokesman said the police didn’t have time for this as were too busy at the Najomtien roadblock extracting money from foreign tourists for passport and visa infringements - or anything else they could think of. Tourists arriving for a stay at their new beachfront hotel find it isn’t quite finished yet… This month’s bar news now, and there’s nothing much to report except a new Go Go on Soi Diamond called Nice, either as in pleasant or as in the city in France. Don’t suppose it matters which it is unless you’re a Frog, though it probably doesn’t matter to them either. Fancy some Korean Food? Then get yourself along to Babobros, a new Korean restaurant on Walking Street where Hot Girls A Go Go used to be. One bit of advice though. If you fancy a British dessert, don’t order the spotted dick – we’ve heard they make it out of offcuts from Dalmatians. Forward to the past once more with a couple of memories from Monkeywatch of March 2009… “The story of the moment just has to be the new proposal by City Hall to extend the width of the entire length of Beach road by 18 metres and possibly make it two way. This innovative idea could be of great benefit as it would give motorists a choice of two traffic jams to get stuck in after they’ve enjoyed a day relaxing on the remaining six inches of beach. A couple of Wednesdays ago, a bloke turned up at Banglamung Police Station to visit an imprisoned friend and was found to have loads of drugs stuffed in his pockets. His name, appropriately enough, turned out to be Atit, and the police have very kindly agreed to extend his visiting time by a couple of years.” The bloke who used to work in here was told to feed the sharks. Which he did. Just the once… There seems to a lot of British theme bars opening in Pattaya lately. Well one assumes that’s what they are as the beer’s warm and overpriced, the music’s too loud and the girls aren’t interested. New research has indicated that breathing in Thailand may mean you’ll die up to four years sooner. Unfortunately, the only alternative option will kill you a bloody sight sooner than that. An American trans queen visiting Thailand has said he finds the country to be more open to transgender people than the USA. No shit, Sherlock. And finally, a naked Thai chap was arrested at the Mike Orchid Resort on Second Road after he went berserk and trashed his hotel room. Not so much a Full Moon Party as a Keith Moon Party? be seeing you monkeyman
  15. Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and join us as we celebrate the Chinese New Year, which this time around is the year of the pig – or in the case of Pattaya, the year of the stinking pig. Again. Oh well, off we go. Fans of the famous Dolphin Roundabout in North Pattaya will be pleased to know that it’s been resurrected. The dead dolphin found on Pattaya Beach, on the other hand, hasn’t. Pattaya officials have proudly announced that the Russian mafia have finally been driven out of the city. What they inadvertently forgot to mention is that they were driven out by the triads. Same same, but different. The police have followed this up by issuing a statement declaring that there are no Chinese mafia in Pattaya. This follows previous statements that there are no drugs and no prostitutes in the city. Linguists are still struggling to find a definition of the word “no” that fits comfortably with these statements. Best of luck, boys. Be the envy of your drinking buddies with the new “Barcrawler” – guarantees you a seat at every bar and you won’t even have to walk there… Now that the date for the upcoming election has been confirmed as March 24, the Pattaya Business and Tourism Association have been entrusted with the task of ensuring that the voting in the city is both free and fair. The PBTA, as they are generally known, should not be confused with LGBT (Lovers of the Great Beef Torpedo) as they are a respectable business organisation and not just a bunch of attention seeking poofs. Well, not all of them anyway. Actually, there’s talk of a new group emerging during the election campaign who are disaffected with the country’s membership of the ASEAN group and are advocating something called Thexit. Once free of this heinous organisation, their plans include the immediate deportation of all stinking pigs and the creation of a hard border by building a wall round the entire country. This will apparently free up 350 million baht a week that could be spent on the health service, but won’t be. Sounds promising. Once upon a time long ago there was a children’s TV film called “The Singing Ringing Tree”, an excruciating abomination from Germany that was probably made as an act of revenge for World War Two, that parents inflicted on baby boomers, probably as a form of aversion therapy to discourage them from watching too much television. Sadly, many of those same baby boomers can now be seen sitting in bars around Pattaya having to endure a new kind of aversion therapy known as “the drinking stinking pig.” Revenge for the British Empire? It said on the dating site that she was a real dish… Bar news this month kicks off with the demise of the long standing if nomadic Beach Club, which is to become part of an enlarged Happy A Go Go. Pin-Up A Go Go is joined by Tee Rak A Go Go as a new kid on the block on Walking Street. And the good old former Blues Factory is having another go at Go Go with the upcoming opening of Republic A Go Go. Sounds a bit Ruskie, that one. Speaking of which, the old Living Dolls 1 has been consumed by an expansion to the XO Club. The evil empire is expanding. Pattaya is currently training 120 new tourist assistants to “improve the tourist experience” for foreign visitors. At the end of the training period they will each be issued a stick with a ball on top, a variety of forged tickets and a large money bag to assist them in their endeavours. Now that’s what you call customer service. Vintage Pattaya memories now with a look at a couple of bits from Monkeywatch from February 2009… “The other Monday, police were called to an Exchange Booth on Second Road after staff reported that a Pakistani man had attempted to exchange counterfeit UK bank notes. The man was arrested but later released without charge when he pointed out that on current exchange rates the fake notes were actually worth more than real ones. A brand spanking new set of traffic lights has been installed on the Sukhumvit Road in Central Pattaya in an attempt to improve the flow of traffic in the area. Large numbers of people are expected to benefit from this imaginative scheme, mainly scrap dealers and undertakers.” Thai A Yellow Ribbon Round The Oil Palm Tree?... Pattaya officials and police held a meeting with baht bus drivers on February 8 during which the drivers were lectured about overcharging and insulting tourists. We spoke to one driver who said he didn’t bother to attend as he knew how to do those things already. Building work has restarted on Pattaya’s new football stadium and officials say they hope to have it completed by 2026. If you think that sounds like a long time, it might be worth noting that construction actually began in 2009. No point in rushing these things, is there? Finally, Valentine’s Day celebrations in Pattaya were a bit muted this year. Wonder if the decision by officials to rename it STD Day had anything to do with it? If they’d given it some thought they could’ve just shortened the name to VD and got both messages across together. But then when do Thais ever think before thy act? be seeing you monkeyman
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