toss3r

Sick Bastards!!!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.? Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q?: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?" A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The m an leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like we agreed." "Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells hi s tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day." So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven." Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened: About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid madam. I can't believe someone fucked you twice, Have a nice day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

You use the last word used, the next word to be used is "UNDERWEAR"

The doctor said, 'Paddy, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' paddy was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' paddy laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. paddy tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As paddy admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' paddy said, 'Sure, why not.' The salesman eyed paddy and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' paddy was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' paddy tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. paddy walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' paddy thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. paddy laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

Ok, the idea here is that you use the word given by the last person, then choose one of the words you've used to make the next acronym, e.g. BANDIT Bad-Ass Near Deaf Individual There Next word; THERE

Paddy's in Amsterdam goes into a brothel and asks for the fattest, ugliest girl they have, with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a vandalised bus seat. The Madam said,"Are we feeling kinky tonight, sir. " He replied,"No. . . . just homesick!" Paddy goes to Murphy the Optician... Murphy: "Now Paddy, can you see my left hand?" Paddy: "No be Jaysus I cant" Murphy: "Can you see my right hand?" Paddy: "Nope.!! Not a thing" At this stage Murphy drops his trousers and swings his knob in front of Paddy... "Can ye see that ye boy ye??...." Paddy:"Holy Jaysus..!! Thats some brute ye got there..!!.." Murphy: "Rite Paddy, I'll have ur new glasses ready on Monday...Ur cock-eyed....!!" Paddy is doing a crossword. And says to Murphy, I'm stuck on 2 down. Flightless Bird from Iceland. (6,7). Murphy thinks about it and replies ya thick twat that's easy, Frozen Chicken. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a cock!"

The chair that Jimmy Savile used on Jim'll Fix had everything. A built in ashtray, two built in tea trays, a secret compartment for Jim'll Fix It medals and a button for making his cup of tea. In fact, it was only missing one more thing that would've made it perfect. A button to fry the CUNT

Here's another one.... This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. e very morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. he told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. the years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her h usband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! after years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. he said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you'. 'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. I think i got most of them back in

I saw an old friend who used to make a bit of extra cash being a Jimmy Savile look-a-like. "Alright mate," I said, "Bet your little sideline has gone downhill?" "On the contrary," he replied, "Never been busier." "Really? I'm surprised." "Yeah," he sighed, "I'm getting hired just so that people can kick the shit out of me."

Little Johnny is walking by his parent's bedroom when he hears a lot of noise. He opens the door and sees his dad with his mom bent over the dresser having sex. Dad looks at Little Johnny and smiles, gives him a wink and motions for Johnny to leave the room, so he does. A few minutes later dad is walking past Little Johnny's bedroom and hears a noise. He opens the door to see Little Johnny with grandma bent over the dresser having sex. Little Johnny looks at dad and smiles, winks at him and says, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR momma, is it?" The Rolling Stones are busy rehearsing for their 50th Anniversary World Tour. Mick: "Ok fellas. Shall we do The Last Time?" Keith: "What did we do last time? Brown Sugar" Mick: "Yeah. I know"Keith: "So why are you asking?" Mick: "I wasn't"Keith: "Ronnie, wasn't Mick asking what we did last time?" Ronnie: "What's the time? I haven't got a watch. Charlie, got a watch?" Charlie: "Sur e I've got some Scotch. Good idea. Keith, Scotch and coke?" Keith: "Scored some coke? I told you, I don't do that shit no more. I'm clean!" Mick: "Clean?! Didn't you say that last time?" Keith: "Last time? We did Brown Sugar" Ronnie: "Time? I haven't got a watch" Charlie: "I've got some Scotch!"......... Refunds are available.... Paddy and his wife are flying to New York from Dublin one evening. All is going well, until the pilot's voice suddenly sounds over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid one of our engines has stopped working. Rest assured, we shall arrive at our destination safely, but an hour late." Paddy glanced at his wife beside him, who looked a little concerned by this news. "Ah, sure don't wor ry. We're in no rush," he reassured her. A few minutes later, the pilot spoke again: "Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you a second engine has now failed. We'll now take four hours longer to arrive at our destination." Many passengers now looked very worried, so Paddy turned to his wife once more. "Don't worry, it'll put us back a bit, but we still have a lot of time to spare." Five minutes late the pilot spoke frantically: "A third engine has gone. It'll take us 12 hours to get there, if the plane can make it. I ask you all to stay calm. Thank you." There was mass panic, with many passengers screaming and shouting. Amidst all the confusion, Paddy turned to his wife. "For fuck sake! I'm telling ya, if that fourth engine fails, we'll be stuck up here all bloody night!" My girlfriend and I were passionately kissing when she suddenly broke off..... "Ha ha - I got your chewing gum!" she grinned, triumphantly. "No Love, It's not gum. I have bronchial asthma...."

More heads will roll http://uk.news.yahoo.com/pm-criticises-bbc-over-savile-scandal-004501628.html

Q&A: Jimmy Savile allegations http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-19946626