toss3r

Sick Bastards!!!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.? Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q?: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?" A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The m an leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..." Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I have come back like we agreed." "Well, what is it like?" Fred excitedly tells hi s tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day." So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven." Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened: About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid madam. I can't believe someone fucked you twice, Have a nice day and thank you for shopping at Walmart."

You use the last word used, the next word to be used is "UNDERWEAR"

The doctor said, 'Paddy, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' paddy was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' paddy laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. paddy tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As paddy admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' paddy said, 'Sure, why not.' The salesman eyed paddy and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' paddy was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' paddy tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. paddy walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' paddy thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. paddy laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

Ok, the idea here is that you use the word given by the last person, then choose one of the words you've used to make the next acronym, e.g. BANDIT Bad-Ass Near Deaf Individual There Next word; THERE

Paddy's in Amsterdam goes into a brothel and asks for the fattest, ugliest girl they have, with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a vandalised bus seat. The Madam said,"Are we feeling kinky tonight, sir. " He replied,"No. . . . just homesick!" Paddy goes to Murphy the Optician... Murphy: "Now Paddy, can you see my left hand?" Paddy: "No be Jaysus I cant" Murphy: "Can you see my right hand?" Paddy: "Nope.!! Not a thing" At this stage Murphy drops his trousers and swings his knob in front of Paddy... "Can ye see that ye boy ye??...." Paddy:"Holy Jaysus..!! Thats some brute ye got there..!!.." Murphy: "Rite Paddy, I'll have ur new glasses ready on Monday...Ur cock-eyed....!!" Paddy is doing a crossword. And says to Murphy, I'm stuck on 2 down. Flightless Bird from Iceland. (6,7). Murphy thinks about it and replies ya thick twat that's easy, Frozen Chicken. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a cock!"

The chair that Jimmy Savile used on Jim'll Fix had everything. A built in ashtray, two built in tea trays, a secret compartment for Jim'll Fix It medals and a button for making his cup of tea. In fact, it was only missing one more thing that would've made it perfect. A button to fry the CUNT

Here's another one.... This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. e very morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. he told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. the years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her h usband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! after years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. he said, 'honey you were right.' 'all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you'. 'What do you mean?' asked his wife. 'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some vaseline and two fingers. I think i got most of them back in

I saw an old friend who used to make a bit of extra cash being a Jimmy Savile look-a-like. "Alright mate," I said, "Bet your little sideline has gone downhill?" "On the contrary," he replied, "Never been busier." "Really? I'm surprised." "Yeah," he sighed, "I'm getting hired just so that people can kick the shit out of me."

Little Johnny is walking by his parent's bedroom when he hears a lot of noise. He opens the door and sees his dad with his mom bent over the dresser having sex. Dad looks at Little Johnny and smiles, gives him a wink and motions for Johnny to leave the room, so he does. A few minutes later dad is walking past Little Johnny's bedroom and hears a noise. He opens the door to see Little Johnny with grandma bent over the dresser having sex. Little Johnny looks at dad and smiles, winks at him and says, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR momma, is it?" The Rolling Stones are busy rehearsing for their 50th Anniversary World Tour. Mick: "Ok fellas. Shall we do The Last Time?" Keith: "What did we do last time? Brown Sugar" Mick: "Yeah. I know"Keith: "So why are you asking?" Mick: "I wasn't"Keith: "Ronnie, wasn't Mick asking what we did last time?" Ronnie: "What's the time? I haven't got a watch. Charlie, got a watch?" Charlie: "Sur e I've got some Scotch. Good idea. Keith, Scotch and coke?" Keith: "Scored some coke? I told you, I don't do that shit no more. I'm clean!" Mick: "Clean?! Didn't you say that last time?" Keith: "Last time? We did Brown Sugar" Ronnie: "Time? I haven't got a watch" Charlie: "I've got some Scotch!"......... Refunds are available.... Paddy and his wife are flying to New York from Dublin one evening. All is going well, until the pilot's voice suddenly sounds over the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid one of our engines has stopped working. Rest assured, we shall arrive at our destination safely, but an hour late." Paddy glanced at his wife beside him, who looked a little concerned by this news. "Ah, sure don't wor ry. We're in no rush," he reassured her. A few minutes later, the pilot spoke again: "Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you a second engine has now failed. We'll now take four hours longer to arrive at our destination." Many passengers now looked very worried, so Paddy turned to his wife once more. "Don't worry, it'll put us back a bit, but we still have a lot of time to spare." Five minutes late the pilot spoke frantically: "A third engine has gone. It'll take us 12 hours to get there, if the plane can make it. I ask you all to stay calm. Thank you." There was mass panic, with many passengers screaming and shouting. Amidst all the confusion, Paddy turned to his wife. "For fuck sake! I'm telling ya, if that fourth engine fails, we'll be stuck up here all bloody night!" My girlfriend and I were passionately kissing when she suddenly broke off..... "Ha ha - I got your chewing gum!" she grinned, triumphantly. "No Love, It's not gum. I have bronchial asthma...."

More heads will roll http://uk.news.yahoo.com/pm-criticises-bbc-over-savile-scandal-004501628.html

Q&A: Jimmy Savile allegations http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-19946626

Swine Flu Update I'm not really too concerned about Swine Flu. But I am concerned about next year's flu.... Here's why: 3 years ago... Chinese calendar year of the cow... Mad Cow Disease. 2 years ago... Chinese calendar year of the bird... Avian Flu. This year... Chinese calendar year of the pig... Swine Flu. Next year is the year of the cock... Anybody else worried? THE DIRTY DISHES!!!! Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one Day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years Old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such Great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It Protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her Parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the Stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the Situation.. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the Table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and Her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her Over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way Right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to Rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his Pocket... Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!! When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live." The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, during her tour of a ward she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next ward they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan." A teacher asks Billy " if there were 3 birds sitting on a fence and one got shot how many would be left" Bill said "none miss cos the gun fire would frighten the others off" the teacher said there would be 2 left Billy but i like the way your thinking! Billy then says "miss there are 3 women having an ice cream one is licking one is sucking and one is biting, which one is married? at this point the teacher goes very red and says " well i guess its the one whos sucking" Billy says no its the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but i like the way your thinking!! A little boy got on a bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..' The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.' The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 b oys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!' The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar." A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. 'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.' The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.' She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

A lot of people at the bbc had heard rumours & jokes about him

The BBC have landed themselves in the shit over this http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-20024074

Jimmy Saville was a 'hard bastard' by anyone's standards and had been known to crack a few skulls in his time. If he was guilty of sexual crimes then we probably owe it to his victims to at least let their accusations be heard. What does disturb me is that, if the HIGNFY transcript is to be believed then his transgressions were widely known in the 'business'. If that is the case I would like to hear what those who knew but said nothing have to say for themselves. They allowed him to remain in a position where he could carry out his crimes and with a reputation that made his intentions all the easier. He was a sick animal but what about those who stood back and let it all happen?

I aint got a fixation with JIMMY SAVILE !!!!!

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals. Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Jamie Theakston: The re's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm . Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...? Contestant: Strong. Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis . Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World? Contestant: Frank Sinatra? LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ? Contestant: France. Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris. THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar W ilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party. BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON ) DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE20 Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant: Goosey? GWR FM ( Bristol ) Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ? Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER) Phil: What's 11 squared? Contestant: I don't know. Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five? RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? Contestant: Forrest Gump. RICHARD AND JUDY Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er. .. .. Richard: He makes bread . . . Contestant: Er . .... Richard: He makes cakes . . . Contestant: Kipling Street? LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona. Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain . NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Question: What is the world's largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific. ROCK FM ( PRESTON ) Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta? JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three? CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL ) Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan. Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er ..... Mexico ? PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE ) Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days. DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ? Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ? Contestant: No. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er. ... .. Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . Contestant: Blimey? Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .. Contestant: (Silence) Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . Contestant: Walked? THE VAULT Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia. LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? Contestant: Jewish. Presenter: That's close enough. STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus.

On his way to a party Tony Blackburn stops off to invite Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter. Upon arrival the host looks at Saville and Glitter, turns to Tony and says "Tony, why did you bring these two?" "Because you asked me to." Replies Tony. "No, Tony. I said I'm having a pool party...make sure you bring a pair of SPEEDOS!"

Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation. Just reply "how's about that then" to register or to opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop". Register before the end of the month and get a free "Lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.

Apparently, this was actually recorded during the last series of "Have I Got News For You" when Jimmy Saville was a guest on Paul Merton's team. Incredibly, it didn't make our screens. (It seems that Mr. Merton doesn't like Mr. Saville very much) Out-take 3:09'36 During the headline round: DEAYTON: You used to be a wrestler didn't you? SAVILLE: I still am. DEAYTON: Are you? SAVILLE: I'm feared in every girls' school in the country. (Audience laugh) DEAYTON: Yeah, I've heard about that. SAVILLE: What have you heard? DEAYTON: I've... MERTON: Something about a cunt with a rancid, pus-filled cock. (Huge audience laugh; Awkward pause) SAVILLE: I advise you to wash your mouth out, my friend... MERTON: That's what she had to do! (Audience laughs) HISLOP: Weren't you leaving money in phone boxes or something? (Saville glares at him) Or have I got completely the wrong end of the... SAVILLE: (To Deayton, heavily) The question you asked was about wrestling. DEAYTON: Yes. And then you mentioned girls' schools. I don't know whe... SAVILLE: Well I understood this was a comedy programme. I realise now how wrong I was. (Audience laugh) DEAYTON: So were you a professional wrestler? SAVILLE: Yes I was. DEAYTON: (To audience) Glad we got that cleared up.(Pulls face; audience giggles) HISLOP: Feared by every girls' school in the country... SAVILLE: That's right. MERTON: Due to having a rancid, pus-filled cock.(Huge audience laugh) DEAYTON: Erm... HISLOP: You're on top form tonight, Paul... SAVILLE: (Strangely) I'm...this is not what I... FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) OK, do you...(inaudible section)...shall we, for pick-ups... MERTON: I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me. SAVILLE: A pus-filled cock, I imagine. (Shocked audience laugh) MERTON: Oh, it's nice to see you joining in. We'd been waiting for you, you sad senile old shitter. (Audience appears to do double-take) DEAYTON: I think we...d-d-you you want to apologise to our guest, Paul? MERTON: Sorry, I do apologise. Sir senile old shitter, is what I meant to say. (Audience laugh; pause) Sir senile old shitter...who fucks minors. (Audience unrest) HISLOP: Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves) Hello! (Audience laughs) DEAYTON: Shall we get back on course with this, or sha... SAVILLE: I do fuck miners, that's quite correct. I have always done so. They can do the most wonderful things with cigars. The coal... MERTON: What, they stick them up your senile, pus-filled arse? (Audience laughs) FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV): Come on...I'm getting an ear-bashing here. It's... MERTON: Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I'll contain myself. Carry on... DEAYTON: Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler didn't you? (Huge audience laugh) SAVILLE: (Calmly) I did. DEAYTON: You didn't have a nickname or anything? SAVILLE: Yes - 'Loser'. (Audience laughs) ___________________________________ Out-take 4: 21'20 Following a discussion about caravans: DEAYTON: Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked by the... MERTON: I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy. SAVILLE: Did you really? MERTON: Oh yes. Interesting what you can find, if you have a bit of a poke. (Audience laugh) HISLOP: He just told you, it was twelve years ago... SAVILLE: No, I lived in it for twelve years. MERTON: And fucked twelve year olds. (Audience laugh) DEAYTON: Here we go again...I'll be backstage if anyone wants me. MERTON: (Indicating Saville) That's what you said to the kids on your show, wasn't it? (Audience laugh) SAVILLE: No, they never did want me. HISLOP: Not even Sarah Cornley? SAVILLE: She was an exception. DEAYTON: Who's Sarah Cornley? SAVILLE: Sarah Cornley is... HISLOP: About fifteen grand in damages, wasn't she? (Uncertain audience laugh) SAVILLE: That's right. HISLOP: So if I was going to mention that you threatened to break her arm if she said anything... SAVILLE: You'd be very wrong. (Pause) I said I'd break both her arms. (Audience unease) MERTON: Fucking hell. I mean, you're just sitting there, all shell suit and cigar wearing those fucking...I don't know what they are. SAVILLE: Chrome-plated SC-700 sun-visors, these are. Sent to me by... MERTON: We don't give a shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir James Saville OBE. Jim has fixed it for me to have my arms broken. Meet this depressing old fucked up cunt of a fucker on television who's riddled with cancer and fucking pubic lice. HISLOP: (To lawyer again) Hello! (Audience laughs) MERTON: Christ, I mean ha ha, big fucking joke - the fucking lawyers are involved, tee hee. It doesn't change anything. DEAYTON: (Visibly out of character) Do you wanna stop, or...? MERTON: No I don't fucking want to stop. It's all shit! You'll expect a comedy walkout in a minute, won't you? I mean, big bloody joke - I'm going to quote Shakespeare in a minute, how fucking out of character. And Ian knows about football - oh my fucking sides. SAVILLE: You've never fucked anyone in your life, boy. MERTON: Oh fuck off... FLOOR MANAGER: (OOV) ...About five minutes, just to...(Phil Davey enters) PHIL DAVEY: OK, well top that as they say. You're looking troubled by that, aren't you mate? I tell you, I came back from Amsterdam recently... RECORDING PLACED ON STAND-BY; CUTS BACK TO CLOSE-UP OF DEAYTON AWAITING HIS CUE DEAYTON: OK. Second time lucky. (Pause) Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. Asked by the New York Times about his relaxed acting style...