toss3r

Sick Bastards!!!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q?: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.? Q: When is the best time

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet. His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. "How come you are sweating?" he asks. The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?" A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened: About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be fucking stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest

You use the last word used, the next word to be used is "UNDERWEAR"

The doctor said, 'Paddy, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' paddy was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked

Ok, the idea here is that you use the word given by the last person, then choose one of the words you've used to make the next acronym, e.g. BANDIT Bad-Ass Near Deaf Individual There Next word; THERE

Paddy's in Amsterdam goes into a brothel and asks for the fattest, ugliest girl they have, with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a vandalised bus seat. The Madam said,"Are we feeling kinky tonight, sir. " He replied,"No. . . . just homesick!" Paddy goes to Murphy the Optician... Murphy: "Now Paddy, can you see my left hand?" Paddy: "No be Jaysus I cant" Murphy: "Can you see my right hand?" Paddy: "Nope.!! Not a thing" At this stage Murphy drops his trousers and swings his knob in front of Paddy... "Can ye see that ye boy ye??...." Paddy:"Holy Jaysus..!! Thats some brute y

The chair that Jimmy Savile used on Jim'll Fix had everything. A built in ashtray, two built in tea trays, a secret compartment for Jim'll Fix It medals and a button for making his cup of tea. In fact, it was only missing one more thing that would've made it perfect. A button to fry the CUNT

Here's another one.... This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. e very morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. he told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. the years went by and he continued to rip the

I saw an old friend who used to make a bit of extra cash being a Jimmy Savile look-a-like. "Alright mate," I said, "Bet your little sideline has gone downhill?" "On the contrary," he replied, "Never been busier." "Really? I'm surprised." "Yeah," he sighed, "I'm getting hired just so that people can kick the shit out of me."

Little Johnny is walking by his parent's bedroom when he hears a lot of noise. He opens the door and sees his dad with his mom bent over the dresser having sex. Dad looks at Little Johnny and smiles, gives him a wink and motions for Johnny to leave the room, so he does. A few minutes later dad is walking past Little Johnny's bedroom and hears a noise. He opens the door to see Little Johnny with grandma bent over the dresser having sex. Little Johnny looks at dad and smiles, winks at him and says, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR momma, is it?" The Rolling Stones are busy reh

More heads will roll http://uk.news.yahoo.com/pm-criticises-bbc-over-savile-scandal-004501628.html

Q&A: Jimmy Savile allegations http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-19946626

Swine Flu Update I'm not really too concerned about Swine Flu. But I am concerned about next year's flu.... Here's why: 3 years ago... Chinese calendar year of the cow... Mad Cow Disease. 2 years ago... Chinese calendar year of the bird... Avian Flu. This year... Chinese calendar year of the pig... Swine Flu. Next year is the year of the cock... Anybody else worried? THE DIRTY DISHES!!!! Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one Day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than

A lot of people at the bbc had heard rumours & jokes about him

The BBC have landed themselves in the shit over this http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-20024074

Jimmy Saville was a 'hard bastard' by anyone's standards and had been known to crack a few skulls in his time. If he was guilty of sexual crimes then we probably owe it to his victims to at least let their accusations be heard. What does disturb me is that, if the HIGNFY transcript is to be believed then his transgressions were widely known in the 'business'. If that is the case I would like to hear what those who knew but said nothing have to say for themselves. They allowed him to remain in a position where he could carry out his crimes and with a reputation that made his intentions all the

I aint got a fixation with JIMMY SAVILE !!!!!

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals. Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Jamie Theakston: The re's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World? Contestant: I don't know. Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the p

On his way to a party Tony Blackburn stops off to invite Jimmy Saville and Gary Glitter. Upon arrival the host looks at Saville and Glitter, turns to Tony and says "Tony, why did you bring these two?" "Because you asked me to." Replies Tony. "No, Tony. I said I'm having a pool party...make sure you bring a pair of SPEEDOS!"

Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to £2147 in compensation. Just reply "how's about that then" to register or to opt out just text "stop Jimmy stop". Register before the end of the month and get a free "Lawyers 4 U fixed it for me" medal.

Apparently, this was actually recorded during the last series of "Have I Got News For You" when Jimmy Saville was a guest on Paul Merton's team. Incredibly, it didn't make our screens. (It seems that Mr. Merton doesn't like Mr. Saville very much) Out-take 3:09'36 During the headline round: DEAYTON: You used to be a wrestler didn't you? SAVILLE: I still am. DEAYTON: Are you? SAVILLE: I'm feared in every girls' school in the country. (Audience laugh) DEAYTON: Yeah, I've heard about that. SAVILLE: What have you heard? DEAYTON: I've... MERTON: Something about a cunt