tom21

after you get past the second line you tend to know what it says and have no problems reading it

>>A WOMAN WAS VERY DISTRAUGHT OVER THE FACT THAT SHE HAD NOT HAD A DATE > OR, ANY SEX FOR OVER 5 YEARS. SHE WAS AFRAID SHE MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING > WRONG WITH HER, SO SHE DECIDED TO SEEK THE MEDICAL EXPERTISE OF THE > WELL KNOWN CHINESE SEX THERAPIST, DR CHANG. > > > > > > UPON ENTERING THE EXAMINATION ROOM, DR CHANG SAID, "OK, TAKE OFF ALL > YOUR CROSE.'THE WOMEN DID AS SHE WAS TOLD. "NOW, GET DOWN AND CRAW > REERY, REERY FASS TO ODDERSIDE OF ROOM." AGAIN, THE WOMAN DID AS SHE > WAS INSTRUCTED. DR. CHANG THEN SAID, "OK", NOW CRAW REERY, REERY FASS > BACK TO ME." AS SHE DID, DR CHANG SHOOK HIS HEAD SLOWLY, "YOUR PROBREM > VEWY BAD. YOU HAF ED ZACHARY DISEASE. WORSE CASE I EVER SEE. DAT WHY > YOU NOT HAF SEX OR DATES. "THE >WOMEN ASKED ANXIOUSLY, "OH, DR > CHANG, WHAT IS ED ZACHARY DISEASE?" > DR CHANG SIGHED DEEPLY AND REPLIED, "ED ZACHARY DISEASE IS WHEN > YOUR FACE LOOK ED ZACHARY LIKE YOUR ASS. > >

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your f""kin' arse it won't be Coco Pops."

(this is a old one) Diary of a Mount Isa Summer (by a Pom) August 31st Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mount Isa, Queensland!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the verandah It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here. September 13th: Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper. September 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. October 10th The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected. October 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this. October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. October 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant f*ckin' blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts. October 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? November 4th: It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid f*ckin' place. November 8th: If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to f*ckin' throttle him. f*ckin' heat! By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin' f*ckin' wet, and I smell like baked cat!! November 9th: Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my f*ckin' arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my f*ckin' arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat. November 10th: The weather report might as well be a f*ckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and f*ckin' sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f*ckin' place? Water rationing will be next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the f*ckin'pool. Even the palms can't live in this f*ckin' heat. November 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse out of jail for assaulting the stupid f*cker. F*ck Mount Isa! What kind of a sick demented f*ckin' idiot would want to live here? December 1st: WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are f*ckin' kiddin'

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."