Nightmarch

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Exclousive…from Phenthouse Magacine: No, I haven’t forgotten how to spell, this is how the Polo ogling den (Walking Street) promotes its Model Show, which kicks off in the chrome pole palace every night at around 11:30PM. The same dozen or so sketchily attired performers appear earlier in the evening at the Model Club in The Market complex on Second Road (opposite Pinewood Condo). The shows start there around 6:30PM. As one might expect, the shows are popular with the north Asian tourists who seem quite content to sip on a bottle of cola and wait until they are summoned to leave and trek off to yet another cultural performance.

 

What a Bunch of Blowhards: Lolita’s, the very name conjures up a vision of the seductive adolescent girl in Nabokov’s infamous novel, and a dine and dash establishment by that very name is up and running in the relatively new building complex bounded by Soi Diana and Soi Buakhow.

 

Although the boozer is located off the beaten track the damsels employed to entertain passing custom all have the one-eyed trouser-snake handshake down to a fine art and will assure those who might be interested in further tactile activities that their polishing skills are exemplary. For those a little slow on the uptake a friend of mine was informed in a rather matter-of-fact fashion by one of the serving wenches that the place was, quite frankly, “a blow job bar.” I don’t think she was referring to the kind of services performed in the average hairdressing salon either.

 

The Lolita’s operation is run by the same deviates, er, colourful businesspersons, who have a similarly named boozer in the Big Chilli. They clearly feel the Pattaya bar scene is worth sinking a few baht into, in spite of the currently restricted operating hours.

 

The place is well appointed: polished floors, long bar, pool table. My only complaint is the seating. The long, black vinyl lounges face other customers and newcomers practically fall over those already ensconced. Since the lighting is quite bright, it was noticeable that people already sitting and wrapped around a comely maiden felt uncomfortable when another customer or two hovered into their space looking to park their own butts.

 

Those who tend to research these matters with a kind of feverish fervour tell me that prices for services rendered run between 600 and 1,000 baht. I’m told dentist’s chairs are in use in the upstairs facilities so prices depend on whether one requires a full lube or simply a quick wax and polish (or mouth wash and filling).

 

If it’s Thursday, it must be Ladies Night: A friend of mine recently had a small full colour business card dropped into the basket in front of his motorbike. The card showed a young and not-so-shy damsel in a denim skirt with her shirt lifted to show off a black bra underneath a caption proclaiming ‘Ladies Nites Every Thursday’. At the bottom was ‘Free Drink Voucher (Lady Drink) from 8 pm.’ It appears the cards are promoting the Blue Bamboo boozer (Soi 6) with bar fines 250 baht. The back of the card shows the top half of a naked man whose face is covered by a pink g-string and a quote by a person named Michael exclaiming, “The room service is fantastic!” The assumption- I guess- to draw from the quote is the man with the pink g-string on his head is Michael. I think he needs to get out more.

 

Almost out of the Horse’s Mouth: It’s been a fairly open secret for more than a few weeks now that Kim Fletcher, the landlord at the Shenanigans lounge lizard libation room and noshery (Second Road), is about to pull up stumps and take a new position with another Irish-style operation situated in the wilds of Wongamat in north Pattaya. The new place is the brainchild of long-time Fun Town operator Rony Fineman who has invested heavily in the north Pattaya area.

 

You’re New Here Aren’t You? Yet another ogling den- the 56th- opened its doors in Fun Town; this time in Soi Yamato in late November, and it’s a name most of you will no doubt recognise: Hot & Cold. Yes, it is run by the same people with the joint in Soi Post Office. It is small; there were just four dancers the night I wandered in and although they had all mislaid their tops it wasn’t enough to make me stay for more than one drink. Draught amber is 80 baht, liver wasters 100 baht, lolly water 60 baht and lady drinks 90 baht. The den opens at 7:30PM.

 

In the New York theatre business the top shows are on Broadway, then there’s off-Broadway and off-off-Broadway. In Pattaya the best ogling dens are on Walking Street, then there’s off-Walking Street. I think an off-off-Walking Street category is not out of line given the number of dens now open. No prizes for guessing where I think Hot & Cold should be placed.

 

The Longevity Contenders Are: A lot of response to my question as to who has been running the same bar from the same place in Fun Town the longest. For your interest, the winner in Soi 8 is, as was expected, Vicky’s Bar. The American owner first turned on the fairy lights on 11 December 1987 and after 17 years he’s still watching the comings and goings on the soi.

 

Then there’s Café Ole in Soi 6. Khun Dee has been checking the ebb and flow of traffic in that little soi of iniquity since 1981. I’m certain a few of the damsels still working the street may have gained their start in Café Ole.

 

Then, on Beach Road, we have Scandi Bar. As the name suggests it is run by persons for whom any temperature above minus 300 Celsius can be termed as a heat wave. The same owner/manager has been propping up the bar and slowly demolishing his liver since 17 May 1986. Nearly 19 years of alcohol abuse and sniffing the exhaust fumes of the traffic along Beach Road. You’ve got to admire the stamina of this modern-day Viking. According to one correspondent, Woody from the Tahitian Queen ogling den (Beach Road) has been part of the landscape since the place opened in 1978. If that is indeed the case it would make him easily the longest running bar owner in Pattaya.

 

We Are, We Are, The Fruit of The Nation: One of Bangkok’s two English-language dailies introduced a light night entertainment page aimed at ex-pats a few months ago. Appropriately entitled ‘On The Tiles’ it appears in The Nation on Fridays and is edited by Phil McDonald. My spies tell me there was some opposition to the introduction of this section, the usual do-good, hand wringing custodians of other people’s morals and the stick-your-head-in-the-sand, or other dark, uninviting places, brigade.

 

Since Fun Town happens to be the true epicentre of all things immoral- giving the condescenti (my word) something to sniff about in as haughty manner as possible- I guess it’s hardly surprising up to a third of the column (when it’s allowed to appear) features events in and around the Pattaya postcode. Anyway, yours truly has been helping to supply the odd titbits for the said column, so for those bar owners and restaurateurs who can be bothered and would like to promote their up-coming events in a weekly national publication feel free to contact me by e-mail (nightmarch@hotmail.com) and let me know what’s happening in your neck of the woods.

 

Around and About: The X-Ray ogling den, located in Soi Zero (off Second Road in north Pattaya) will be celebrating its second anniversary on 17 December.

The Happy and Peppermint ogling dens on Walking Street have increased their happy hour prices from 40 to 45 baht for draught amber, house liver wasters and lolly water. Lady drinks have also gone up from 85 to 90 baht. Despite these increases they still offer tremendous value for money.

 

The Petit Liegois munching den has moved from the Carrefour shopping emporium to the old Mon Ami Pierrot premises at the bottom end of Walking Street.

Two of the newest beer boozers to pop up in Fun Town with what I consider to be well thought out cognomens are the Far Kin and the DT’s. Both are located along Soi Buakhow (also known as ‘The English Patient’) and, not surprisingly, the owners are from the Land of Yorkshire Puddings and Double Entendres.

 

The Pom Pui beer boozer and occasional lie down facility on Third Road, opposite Soi Chaiyapoon, was sold a couple of months back and is now called the Boxing Roo. No prizes for guessing the nationality of the new owners.

I’m told the management of the Champion ogling den (Walking Street) have jacked up their prices of all drinks from 85 to 95 baht and lady drinks have gone from 85 to 99 baht.

 

The popular FLB lounge lizard libation room (Walking Street) has been sold for a reputedly substantial sum. The London Clock still continues in the meeting and greeting duties, a job he does with considerable ability and enthusiasm.

 

Piece of Pith: If at first you don’t succeed, parachuting is not for you.

 

 

My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com

Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids"

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sold for a reputedly substantial sum.

 

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Congratulations!