some funnies from another board

[sinbinjack 243]

A Welshman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all have a severe stutter.

 

"What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady. "Th th th th three pi pi pi..........." says the Welshman. Up steps the Irishman. "Three p pints of of of of gui gui gui........" Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th......................"

 

"Oh sod this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

 

"Th th th th three pi pi pi pi", stutters the Welshman. "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy. And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th...........".

 

"Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet? If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you make love to me!" Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Welshman. "Where do you live then boyo?"

 

"C C C C CC AAAA.......Rrrrrrr.... ..."

 

"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.

 

"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb."

 

"No. You lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.

 

"London" blurts out the Irishman.

 

A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.

 

Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the end he suddenly screams out ".......D D D Derry!!"

 

**************

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

 

The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty they are like onions."

 

"Onions?"

 

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry!"

 

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"

 

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties it is like a Christmas tree."

 

"A Christmas tree?"

 

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

 

************

 

Two women in heaven, recent arrivals, were comparing stories on how they had died.

 

First woman said, "I froze to death."

 

Second woman, "You froze to death - how horrible!"

 

First woman, "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

 

Second woman, "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

 

First woman, "So what happened?"

 

Second woman, "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and went down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I Just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

 

First woman, "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive."

 

**************

 

How do blind parachutists know when to brace for landing?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The lead goes slack.

***************************

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President Bush his daily briefing.

 

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

 

"OH NO!" exclaims the President. "That's terrible!"

 

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sobs silently with his head in hands.

 

Finally, the President looks up and tearfully asks..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

......wait for it............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

''How many is a Brazillion???

****************************

[whilliam_mancon 2]

 

 

 

[midlifecrisis 4,012]

Londonderry I anticipated. The funniest to me was the two women.