Humour

[Ergodyne 19]

Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail.

The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play all my favorite songs on this."

The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these."

The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..............."

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Taken from an actual job application at a well known D.I.Y. store.

 

NAME: Kenneth Way(Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously , whatever's avaliable. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place – would I?

DESIRED SALARY: Â £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks -yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE: ....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

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A little girl goes into a pet shop and asks "excuthe me do you have any Widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says "do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft Fwuffy Bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't wealy fink my Anaconda gives a phuc."

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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said the he had married a Jarrow girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.

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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his Head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And you're single. Just let it go." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.

 

Whispering “Dave” . . . . . . . . . “Dave” . . . . . . . . . . “Dave” . . . . . . . . . . .

 

 

you're a vet ! ! ! ! !

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......

Hi

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

 

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

 

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

 

I no longer have any savings because I gave them to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

 

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .........

 

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with him for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

 

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 

Thanks to you,

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

 

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains and explodes with mentos.

 

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

 

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet other than mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

 

And thanks to your great advice,

I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

 

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

 

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

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A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"

 

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"

 

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

 

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"

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RECTUM STRETCHER

 

While racing down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

 

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

 

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

 

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

 

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

 

The cop stammered, "A what? . . . . . . . . . rectum stretcher?

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

 

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet."

 

 

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

 

"You give him a radar gun and hide him behind a bridge..."

 

Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face............... PRICELESS

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Boy asks his gran "have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?" "f**k the pills ! ! ! she says . . . have you seen the dragons in the kitchen ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ?

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A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he

stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, 'Giraffe, my friend, Think about

what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the

forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!' The giraffe looks

at him, looks at the joint, tosses it aside and goes off running with the

rabbit.

 

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit

again says, 'Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about

what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the

pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!' The elephant looks

at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them away and

starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

 

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up some

smack. 'Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're

doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you

will feel so good!' The lion looks at him, slowly puts down his needle, and

starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

 

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the

presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. 'Lion,' they

reprimand, 'why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us

all!' The lion answers,

“That little fucker has me running around

the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!”

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