Monkeywatch - September 2009

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome as the shutters come down on this month’s early closing edition of Monkeywatch. Time gentlemen please.

 

Well, the glorious August 12 saw the start of the British grouse shooting season, closely followed two days later by the start of the Thai foot shooting season when somebody decided that it would be a wizard wheeze to have a crackdown on bar closing times just when the Tourist Authority of Thailand is trying to regenerate the country’s ailing tourism industry. So there they were at 3am, hordes of police and military types swarming over the streets of the city closing all the bars and clubs. Still, if tourists will insist on stirring up trouble by spending money and having a good time, what else can they expect? And if that wasn’t enough, a television crew was invited along to film the whole shebang just to make absolutely sure everyone on the planet got the message that Pattaya is the last place on earth you’d want to go for a holiday. You just couldn’t make it up, could you?

 

After this had dragged on for a few days, a deputation of 300 or so pissed off bar owners went up to City Hall to plead for longer opening hours, but were told by officials that the laws of temporal physics dictated that an hour could not be longer than 60 minutes. They may have a point.

 

Police are seeking two men following an incident at the Feung Foo Mansion in Banglamung on August 11 after it was found that money had been stolen from communal washing machines situated in the building. A police spokesman said that the men had been captured on security cameras and advised them to give themselves up, adding that they would be treated leniently as long as they promised not to make any crap jokes about money laundering or clean getaways.

 

If you’re planning on going to Beach Road, we recommend that you avoid snorkelling in the wet cement…

 

 

This month sees the launch of the so-called “Pattaya Grand Sale” so we’ve offered 100 baht for the place as we reckon we can probably sell it on and double our money when the recession ends.

 

Fire units were called to the Zahrat Alkhaleg Middle Eastern Restaurant in South Pattaya the other Wednesday after the place was reported to have been blown up by a suicide food critic. The establishment was severely gutted (as was the owner), but customers who managed to salvage bits of charred food from the burning wreckage said it had never tasted so good.

 

The infamous Red Shirts held a protest outside City Hall on Wednesday despite having signed an agreement not to take action that would do even more damage to Pattaya’s ailing tourist industry. Pity they couldn’t get the police to sign it as well.

 

The Pattaya Women’s Guild is busy preparing the site for their production of ‘Lawrence Of Arabia’…

 

 

Bar news next, though not much to report. A new gaff called Moulin Rouge has just opened on Walking Street, which will be of great interest to the discriminating punter looking for premium rate East European ladies - so that’s nobody at all then. Cherry Bar Too has closed, so you’ll have to go to the Soi 8 original if you want to get ‘Hammered’. Oh, and Coyotee’s was raided again, but that’s hardly news these days.

 

A Thai chappie turned up at Banglamung Hospital one afternoon a couple of weeks back after his wife slashed him with a knife following a domestic dispute. He declined to reveal the precise nature of the attack, though hospital staff were able to draw their own conclusions after the man produced his willy from his coat pocket and handed it over to a somewhat startled nurse.

 

Here we see worshippers at the local KFC temple…

 

 

Police arrested a Thai man last Tuesday morning after he was caught walking naked down the centre of Sukumvit Road. When questioned, the man explained that he had been waiting for the sun to come out as he’d been told that Pattaya was the place to go for Dongtan.

 

Reports came in from tourists last Friday that a long stretch of Pattaya beach was covered in rubbish, which appeared to have been washed up by the tide. Well, we always reckoned it would be a mistake to convert that floating seafood restaurant into a takeaway.

 

Finally, a genuine first report of a true story - really. On Friday August 21, police officers were called after a farm worker found a number of farang body parts strewn around a field which turned out to be bits of a missing German. Police have not ruled out suicide at this point.

 

You just can’t follow that with anything.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[seeker 0]

Fucking Hilarious! reminds me of kenny twat famous fishguard reporter! Cheers

[Esco 19]

Nice one mate put a smile on my face. Thanks for posting

[Thegolfer 1]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome as the shutters come down on this month’s early closing edition of Monkeywatch. Time gentlemen please.

 

Well, the glorious August 12 saw the start of the British grouse shooting season, closely followed two days later by the start of the Thai foot shooting season when somebody decided that it would be a wizard wheeze to have a crackdown on bar closing times just when the Tourist Authority of Thailand is trying to regenerate the country’s ailing tourism industry. So there they were at 3am, hordes of police and military types swarming over the streets of the city closing all the bars and clubs. Still, if tourists will insist on stirring up trouble by spending money and having a good time, what else can they expect? And if that wasn’t enough, a television crew was invited along to film the whole shebang just to make absolutely sure everyone on the planet got the message that Pattaya is the last place on earth you’d want to go for a holiday. You just couldn’t make it up, could you?

 

After this had dragged on for a few days, a deputation of 300 or so pissed off bar owners went up to City Hall to plead for longer opening hours, but were told by officials that the laws of temporal physics dictated that an hour could not be longer than 60 minutes. They may have a point.

 

Police are seeking two men following an incident at the Feung Foo Mansion in Banglamung on August 11 after it was found that money had been stolen from communal washing machines situated in the building. A police spokesman said that the men had been captured on security cameras and advised them to give themselves up, adding that they would be treated leniently as long as they promised not to make any crap jokes about money laundering or clean getaways.

 

If you’re planning on going to Beach Road, we recommend that you avoid snorkelling in the wet cement…

 

 

This month sees the launch of the so-called “Pattaya Grand Sale” so we’ve offered 100 baht for the place as we reckon we can probably sell it on and double our money when the recession ends.

 

Fire units were called to the Zahrat Alkhaleg Middle Eastern Restaurant in South Pattaya the other Wednesday after the place was reported to have been blown up by a suicide food critic. The establishment was severely gutted (as was the owner), but customers who managed to salvage bits of charred food from the burning wreckage said it had never tasted so good.

 

The infamous Red Shirts held a protest outside City Hall on Wednesday despite having signed an agreement not to take action that would do even more damage to Pattaya’s ailing tourist industry. Pity they couldn’t get the police to sign it as well.

 

The Pattaya Women’s Guild is busy preparing the site for their production of ‘Lawrence Of Arabia’…

 

 

Bar news next, though not much to report. A new gaff called Moulin Rouge has just opened on Walking Street, which will be of great interest to the discriminating punter looking for premium rate East European ladies - so that’s nobody at all then. Cherry Bar Too has closed, so you’ll have to go to the Soi 8 original if you want to get ‘Hammered’. Oh, and Coyotee’s was raided again, but that’s hardly news these days.

 

A Thai chappie turned up at Banglamung Hospital one afternoon a couple of weeks back after his wife slashed him with a knife following a domestic dispute. He declined to reveal the precise nature of the attack, though hospital staff were able to draw their own conclusions after the man produced his willy from his coat pocket and handed it over to a somewhat startled nurse.

 

Here we see worshippers at the local KFC temple…

 

 

Police arrested a Thai man last Tuesday morning after he was caught walking naked down the centre of Sukumvit Road. When questioned, the man explained that he had been waiting for the sun to come out as he’d been told that Pattaya was the place to go for Dongtan.

 

Reports came in from tourists last Friday that a long stretch of Pattaya beach was covered in rubbish, which appeared to have been washed up by the tide. Well, we always reckoned it would be a mistake to convert that floating seafood restaurant into a takeaway.

 

Finally, a genuine first report of a true story - really. On Friday August 21, police officers were called after a farm worker found a number of farang body parts strewn around a field which turned out to be bits of a missing German. Police have not ruled out suicide at this point.

 

You just can’t follow that with anything.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

Thanks for your normal excellent review of life in Pattaya

 

When you are back 'home' it is a lift to the bored fed up farang who only wants to get back there as soon as possible

[Evil Penevil 7,628]

Very funny! Enjoyed it much. Thanks.

 

Evil