Job application

[Ergodyne 19]

Genuine B&Q Job application.

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner

submitted to B&Q (DIY store) in Tunbridge Wells (United Kingdom). They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME:

Kenneth Way (Grumpy *******)

 

SEX:

Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

 

DESIRED POSITION:

Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

 

DESIRED SALARY:

£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:

Yes.

 

LAST POSITION HELD:

Target for middle management hostility.

 

PREVIOUS SALARY:

A lot less than I'm worth.

 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:

My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

 

REASON FOR LEAVING:

It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:

Any.

 

PREFERRED HOURS:

1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:

Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

If I had one, would I be here?

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:

Of what?

 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:

I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

 

DO YOU SMOKE?:

On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big ***** and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

 

NEAREST RELATIVE?:

7 miles

 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:

Oh yes, absolutely.

[Bruce Mangosteen 538]

Found many instances on the web, virtually all say the guy was an American applying to Walmart. Example: http://www.funnyfunpages.com/walmartap.htm

[wacojacko 1]

Genuine B&Q Job application.

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner

submitted to B&Q (DIY store) in Tunbridge Wells (United Kingdom). They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME:

Kenneth Way (Grumpy *******)

 

SEX:

Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

 

DESIRED POSITION:

Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

 

DESIRED SALARY:

£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:

Yes.

 

LAST POSITION HELD:

Target for middle management hostility.

 

PREVIOUS SALARY:

A lot less than I'm worth.

 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:

My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

 

REASON FOR LEAVING:

It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:

Any.

 

PREFERRED HOURS:

1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:

Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

If I had one, would I be here?

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:

Of what?

 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:

I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

 

DO YOU SMOKE?:

On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big ***** and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

 

NEAREST RELATIVE?:

7 miles

 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:

Oh yes, absolutely.

ah, but did he get the job???

[soi unwise 6]

Can't you read ?