Some old and some new

[Bushcraft 2,604]

Essex school girl says, "Mummy, I know where babies come from!" Mum

replies, "Where's that then sweetie?" Girl says, "Mummy & Daddy take

their clothes off & Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out & Mummy puts it

in her mouth & sucks it & that's how u get babies!" Shaking her head,

Mum says, "Oh darling that's so sweet, but that's not how we get

babies, that's how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes & and

chocolates!!"

 

 

Recession Beater! Wife says to husband - 'if you cycle to work we

could get rid of the 2nd car!' Husband replies, 'if you take it up the

arse and let me come on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'

 

 

Dear Deirdre, I'm about 3 years into my relationship now and started

having erection difficulties. My girlfriend and i have different ideas

what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra; I've bought the fat

bitch a treadmill.

 

 

Man says to wife "You're the double of Cheryl Cole." She said "Do you

think so?" He says "Aye, She's 8 stone and you're 16 stone you fat

cow !

 

 

Sex therapists say the most effective way a woman can arouse a man is

to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. . . . . . Personally i think its

bollocks.

 

 

Bloke in a bar buys a vodka then takes out a photo from his pocket

looks at it then puts it back. He does this every time he has a drink.

After the 8th the barman asks "why do you do that?" he replies "its a

picture of the wife and when she looks good enough to shag I'll go

home!"

 

Married sex is like

the national lottery............. Same old balls,

no chance of a 69 and after 20 seconds it all ends in a rollover!

 

The Americans have asked if they can put our queen on their new dollar

notes. We've said yes so long as we can have their president back on

our marmalade jars!

 

Man in bedroom shouts 2 his girlfriend to come & see his clock! She

enters the room + sees him lying on the bed naked with an erection.

Thats not a clock she tells him. It will be when you put 2 hands & a

face on it.

 

Paddy goes 2 chemist n says "i need something that'll keep me horny

all nite, i've got 3 girls comin round" Chemist says " you need Super

viagra, that'll do it" Paddy comes back in the followin day, willy black

n blue, n asks 4 some deep heat. Chemist says " its

not 4 ya nob is it ?" Paddy replies, "no its 4 me arm, they didn't

turn up!"