Monkeywatch - January 2010

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and a Happy New Year to one and all as we emerge from behind our sofas after pretending not to be in when the usual hordes of ghastly relatives came to visit. Okay, on with the business.

 

 

There was a nasty incident the other Friday when a truck went out of control just off the Pratamnuk Road and crashed in the base of an apartment complex, spilling its payload of quick drying cement over a crowd of elderly residents. So some old people really are set in their ways.

 

 

A lottery ticket vendor in East Pattaya had a less than happy Christmas when she was whacked across the head with a metal pipe and robbed of her tickets and cash. The thief escaped the scene but was later apprehended when he came back to her with a winning ticket and demanded his prize money.

 

 

This year is to see a major upgrade of the emergency services in Pattaya, particularly in the area of response times. A spokesman said that in future they hoped to be able to measure the response times on a stopwatch rather than on a calendar.

 

 

You really have to admire the artistry of Pattaya dogs when it comes to crapping on seats…

 

 

 

 

Bar news now, and the boys in brown have been taking the piss again with samples being obtained from staff and Thai customers in Insomnia and Lucifer during raids last Monday. It is rumoured that Pattaya now has the largest urine database in Asia, a feat of which they are no doubt justifiably proud. Other developments include the opening of Baccara A Go Go on the old Molly Malone's site and a new coyote bar called Teazers at the front of the corridor leading to Living Dolls One. Could be handy, that – it's hell of a long corridor to go down without being able to get a drink.

 

 

A Swedish bloke was arrested a couple of Wednesdays ago after being spotted on Third Road driving a bogus police car while pissed out of his skull. He turned out to be a wannabe Tourist Police Assistant Trainee who'd been chucked off the training course. All his police paraphernalia was confiscated, though he was allowed to keep his furry pink handcuffs after it was decided that such items were more likely to be used in the committal of an offence than the prevention of one.

 

 

Central Festival Hall is delighted to announce that it has just received its first consignment of Tom Jones size condoms…

 

 

 

 

 

A newbie was overheard in a 7/11 the other day obviously intent on trying out his newly acquired mastery of the Thai language. "Showaddy crap", he proudly pronounced. The poor bloke behind the counter didn't know whether he was saying hello or slagging off a 70s British glam-rock band.

 

 

The Pattaya Traffic Department has reported that a pedestrian wasn't killed as he crossed the main road in Banglamung last Friday. They say that this brings the total number of pedestrians not killed crossing that road to over 20 for the month of December, which is believed to be an all time high since records began. They hailed this as a triumph, adding that it proved their unstinting commitment to health and safety.

 

 

In an attempt to improve the flow of pedestrians along Beach Road, special zones have been designated for tourists with excessively large buttocks…

 

 

 

 

The body of a man was found floating in the water off the coast of Pattaya the other Tuesday. Although severely decomposed, the body has been identified as a foreigner though his nationality remains unknown. The police could only confirm was that he definitely wasn't Japanese as his penis was more than an inch long.

 

 

Speaking of Japanese, a Japanese comedian broke his ankle in an incident at the Tropicana Hotel on Beach Road just before Christmas after being fired from a cannon during the filming of a television game show. The show's producers said the programme would have to be postponed until he recovered as it would be difficult to find another man of his calibre. Guess their jokes aren't any newer than his.

 

 

And speaking of small penises, a survey carried out in India has concluded that international size condoms are too large for the majority of Indian men, whose todgers are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacturing. Doctor Chander Puri of the Indian Council of Medical Research said "The issue is serious because about one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears". Perhaps somebody should tell them that you're only supposed to use them once.

 

 

be seeing you

 

monkeyman

[sanuk scouser 1]

Fantastic read, nice one Monkeyman!

 

Sanuk Scouser