Nightmarch 27 May 2003

[PattayaPete 530]

Time, gentlemen: Following the mobile cabinet meeting held in Pattaya in mid-May and chaired by the Prime Minister, moves are afoot to once again extend closing hours for entertainment venues, with 4:00 a.m. being touted as the new ‘witching hour’. Of course, the machinery of government must first survey, gather, collate, observe, inspect, assess, disseminate, discombobulate, masticate, and desiccate before any formal decision can be made as to whether entertainment venues can stay open for an extra two hours.

 

The head of parliament’s Advisory Board of Tourism and chairman of the Social Order in Tourism Business committee claimed the members of the committee needed at least another ninety days of ‘serious observation’ before any consideration would be made about extending opening hours.

 

‘Serious observation’, according to article 17, paragraph nine, sub-section (i) of the Guidelines for Really Important Committees, states: ‘Where practicable, all members of the aforesaid committee and sub-committees should attend, at taxpayers expense, as many night entertainment venues as deemed necessary by the Chairman of said committee and the Chairman(s) of said sub-committees, to assess, via the consumption of alcoholic beverages and close fraternisation with the serving staff of these establishments, the viability of extending closing times.’

 

The President of the Pattaya Business and Tourism Association, a guy with a name containing almost every letter in the alphabet, seems to be of the opinion that Walking Street would be the most suitable place for an entertainment zone. The queue to join Mensa just gets longer every week.

 

Lucky seven for the home team: The seventh in the monthly series of dance contests held in the Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond) resulted in victory for the home side when Linda, one of the best known chrome pole molesters in Fun Town, not only snapped up first place but also took out the Miss Flower prize.

The contest saw dancers from Honey, Polo (Walking Street), Big Willies, Carousel (Soi Diamond), and What’s Up (Soi 15, off Walking Street) competing for a first prize of 5,000 baht. The runner-up, representing the Honey ogling den collected 3,000 baht while third place went to a chrome pole hugger from Carousel, who pocketed 2,000 baht.

 

The results of the seven contests to date are:

Month Winning Den

November 2002: What’s Up

December 2002: What’s Up

January 2003: What’s Up

February 2003: Kitten Club

March 2003: Honey

April 2003: Diamond

May 2003: Diamond

The eighth contest is set down for Friday night June 20, with the action officially slated for 9:30 p.m. but more likely to get under way around 10:00 p.m.

 

Getting down to business: A new organisation calling itself the Pattaya Biz Club informs me that they will be holding expat network meetings every second Thursday of each month at the Studio Caf? (Jomtien Complex, Thappraya Road) commencing at 7:30 p.m. Members and guests are welcome and a 125 baht buffet is served up. Anybody wanting further information can contact Dave on 06 5685778 or by e-mail: info@pattayabizclub.com

 

Hardly Frozen out: As the competition for the ogling Baht heats up as we enter what may well prove to be one of the toughest low season’s of recent times, it will be interesting to see just how many ventures survive over the next four or five months. The Frozen ogling den (Soi Diamond) is likely to be one that will keep going strongly, for a few simple reasons. First, a prime location, just off Walking Street; second, a full house of chrome pole huggers, some attractive, most average (but that’s true of almost every ogling den at present); third, they offer Carlsberg amber draught at 55 baht all night. Therefore, if you want a cheap libation, you can get it. Unfortunately, liver wasters are pricey at 105 baht.

 

Super effort that: Apropos of the above item, the Super Baby and Super Girl ogling dens (Soi Diamond) are also, deservedly, continuing to pack out almost each and every night. Although management doesn’t offer any kind of happy hour or discounted thirst quenchers, all liquid refreshments are at a reasonable 90 baht, therefore offering better value for those who indulge in liver wasters rather than amber fluid. The great advantage both dens have over much of their opposition, is that they have some of the best chrome pole molesters available in Fun Town, although they do tend to be of the hard core “I can only go short time because my Thai boyfriend’s waiting on his motorbike outside” type. Of course, there are exceptions to this, but even Pradid, the owner of the dens, will admit that most Dames of the Chrome Pole are financially supporting some layabout young Thai man. And that goes for each and every ogling den in Pattaya, despite what the dear sweet young things will tell you.

 

That’s Entertainment? My spies tell me the Super Lion ogling den (Soi Diamond) is asking 200 baht for a libation, claiming this impost is value as punters can watch a male and female play ‘hide-the-salami’ on stage. However, the owner told me recently she had stopped these shows because other bar owners, all Thai, were, in her words, “jealous.”

My own feeling has always been that these sorts of places, featuring shows involving beer bottles, ping-pong balls, razor blades, comestibles, aquatic creatures, and the occasional farmyard animal are like the freak shows in the circus: roll up and see the bearded lady, the Siamese twins, the dwarf being hurled against a wall by the giant. They’re not to my personal taste, but the law of supply and demand indicates there’s enough prurient interest to keep these shows going.

 

One less den to worry about: The Playpen ogling den (Soi Yamato) is no more. The chrome pole palace has been purchased by a friendly Frenchman who’d previously been involved in running an operation in Soi Post Office and, so I’m told, plans to upgrade the upstairs rooms and turn it into a guesthouse with a beer boozer where the dancers used to be.

 

Overpriced and overrated: According to the monthly (or thereabouts) e-mail missive issued by The Clinic sports emporium on Soi Yamato, the Tim ogling den (Second Road) is charging 1,000 baht before midnight for punters to take dancers from the chrome pole palace. After the clock strikes the witching hour, the impost allegedly drops to a ‘mere’ 700 baht. If this is correct it’s a wonder anyone bothers, especially as the last time I was in, the dancing maidens were an average looking lot.

For mine, the best part about Tim’s is the good music, much of it synchronised with the televisions dotted about the bar, and the pool tables out the back. It’s a blessing that the chrome pole shufflers are all but obscured by the dark interior of the bar.

 

 

Bed of Slate: The Sportsman Pub & Restaurant (Soi 13) is the latest addition to the Monday Night Pool League and, before they’d even played a game, were in second position. Before you start ringing up the local loonie bin and telling them to send men in white coats with butterfly nets to haul me off for a term in a padded cell, let me explain how this unique phenomenon came about.

According to Cockney Dave, one of the partners in the Sportsman, the team representing the Kiss beer boozer (Soi 6) decided to move en masse and offered their pool cue wielding services to the Sportsman. Because Kiss was now left without a team, all the points accrued by the team to date have now been transferred to the Sportsman, hence the second place position.

To celebrate, Cockney Dave and original owner, Whispering Steve, have invested a tidy sum in converting the bed of their pool table from concrete to slate, making it, according to Dave, one of only three or four like it in Fun Town.

 

My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com

Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids"

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