Nightmarch 14 May 2003

[PattayaPete 530]

Seven of Diamonds: The Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond) is conducting its seventh dance contest on Wednesday night 21 May, commencing at around 9:30 p.m. It is expected that around six or seven chrome pole palaces will be sending hit squads to compete for the 5,000 baht first prize. These competitions are always well attended and most people leave with a smile on their face.

 

Not an owl in sight: Big Andy is not afraid to admit when he’s made a blooper and is quick to act to remedy the situation. His Simply Blues Café (Walking Street) just didn’t fire, so he closed it down and on Monday night 5 May re-opened as the Hooty’s ogling den followed by an official grand opening party on Sunday 11 May.

There is no happy hour to entice punters through the front door, instead the joint opens at 8:00 p.m. with most thirst quenchers retailing at 105 baht and the attraction are the shows, one of which is foxy boxing.

 

U.S. Forces give the nod: Despite Thailand’s less than slavering support for the United States’ recent war against Iraq, President George Dubya has nevertheless sent his legions into the Land of Bottled Water for the annual Cobra Gold military exercises.

For residents and expats the nights have seen phalanxes of pimply-faced, testosterone-loaded but financially-challenged troops scouring the nether regions of south Pattaya in the hope of having as a good a time as one can on a bottle of filtered water, a can of cola, and a cheeseburger.

 

Known for being cheap charlies, I caught sight of a pair of servicemen cavorting in the Club Electric Blue ogling den (Walking Street) and, horror of horrors, spending money. They were interrupted by the arrival of a couple of MP’s who, it is to be hoped, had a word or two with these men about being so profligate with Uncle Sam’s greenbacks. After all, we don’t want a few renegades spoiling the tight-fisted reputation of the U.S. military and engaging in close fraternisation with money-grasping chrome pole molesters.

 

In all seriousness, the American troops are generally well-behaved, polite to senior citizens (such as yours truly), kind to children and animals, and help keep the multitude of 7-11’s in a healthy profit.

 

My horse, my horse, my chrome pole palace for a horse: It is my sad and melancholy duty to report the demise of the famous Carousel ogling den (Soi Diamond) horse. This noble beast, which began life coloured white, and latterly was painted a Dracula-esque black, has been wrenched from the revolving stage and put out to pasture.

 

It is to be hoped the owners of the Carousel are not tempted to sell the equine to some travelling carnival and it ends its days being ridden by young children who will probably spill ice cream, throw up or empty their bladders upon its sturdy frame. That would be a sad end for a steed upon which many hundreds of pert derrieres have straddled and which was used as a temporary hanger as dancing maidens draped this icon in the pantheon of Pattaya chrome pole palaces with their attire.

 

After losing its way about a year or so ago, Carousel has undergone a number of changes to its format that seem to be bringing the punters back in. Draught amber nectar is 50 baht all night while lolly water is 80 baht and the bottled brew and liver wasters go for 95 baht.

Plenty of dancing maidens to ogle and a series of shows to break up the evening. My only complaint, and this is directed at every den currently operating les-be-friends performances, is the use of ‘Hotel California’ as the preferred musical accompaniment. Boring. The long-defunct Lovely ogling den used to play a great song entitled, from memory, ‘The Angel’ which had the right cadence to suit the fancy lickers show.

 

Stuffed up, again: I really will have to stop listening to bar owners when they’ve been thrashing the giggle sauce. At least that’s my excuse. In my last epistle on 1 May, I wrote that happy hour prices in the Spicy Girls Too ogling den (down in gender-confused Pattayaland Soi 1) were 40 baht for all sorts of different types of coloured liquids. However, I made a mistake (not unusual I hear you say) and the prices are as follows: from 4:00 p.m. until 7:00 p.m draught amber fluid is 60 baht but from 7:01 p.m. until 9:00 p.m. it drops to just 40 baht. All other liquid refreshments are at a standard 95 baht. You may now return to normal programming.

 

Contributions to the party fund: The owner of a prominent ogling den in Walking Street told me he’d had a visit from the local peelers on Thursday 8 May instructing him to despatch one of his dancing damsels to report to headquarters in Soi 9 and bring 500 baht. The owner said the plod were going around to every ogling den running shows, which is just about all of the chrome pole palaces in Walking Street, and telling management to do what he’d had to and send a sacrifice to Soi 9 and cough up a monkey. I suggested it may have had something to do with the fact that 8 May was a public holiday, or perhaps the party fund needed to be topped up.

 

All dolled up: Competition in Walking Street these days is so fierce it’s a wonder the lesser lights survive. The battle for the ogling baht is such that management has to be constantly thinking of new ways to entice punters through the doors.

 

The Dollhouse ogling den was the first to lead the renaissance of Walking Street, but after Big Andy sold his share the place went through a series of senior staff changes and looked to be heading down the gurgler.

However, the place has fought back and, when I wandered in recently, had some reasonable talent hugging the chrome poles wearing an interesting see-through ensemble that’s a definite grade above the kitchen curtain/table mat style seen in other places. Happy hour runs from 7:30-9:00 p.m. with most refreshments at 30 baht.

 

Second suck of the Lolipop: The Lolipop ogling den (Soi 2) held its second dance contest on 9 May with competitors from Amazon, Pretty Girl and Honey (Walking Street) as well as Diamond (Soi Diamond) hoping to snare the 5,000 baht first prize.

In the finish it was a well-endowed young lass named Na , representing Pretty Girl, who took first place ahead of the pair of dancers from Diamond.

 

Sensible advice: Chris, a regular reader of this column (I’m told frontal lobotomies are now reversible), suggests photocopying the relevant pages of your passport and keeping a copy on your person. He also recommends scanning the information and visa pages of your passport, as well as a list of contacts and phone numbers for credit cards and the like and then e-mailing this to yourself. As he writes, “I can have everything stolen / lost while travelling, go to any internet shop and print myself and my legal status out in moments.” Sounds like good advice to me.

 

My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com

Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids"

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