Nightmarch 16 April 2003

[PattayaPete 530]

Lucky for some: Charlie and Lek, the operators of the Lek boozer and eclectic music room (Soi 7), are celebrating (is that really the right word?) 13 years of marital bliss with a party on Sunday night April 20. Lek’s famous beef stew will be served to all imbibers and well-wishers.

 

The Anzac Day dance contest: Tee, the owner of the Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond, Walking Street) has scheduled the sixth in his series of successful dance contests for Friday night, April 25. Although Tee didn’t know it, for Aussies and Kiwis, this date is significant as each year on April 25 these two nations commemorate the many men and women who gave their lives in warfare. The date itself marks the beginning of the failed assault on the Gallipoli peninsula in the First World War.

 

Don’t expect dancing maidens in Akubra hats (with or without corks to keep the flies away) or dressed in sheepskin (I think I just heard a collective sigh from all the New Zealanders), in fact if past contests are anything to go by then the motto of these affairs could easily be ‘where less is better’.

 

The fifth contest was taken out by a dancer representing the Honey ogling den (Walking Street), with well-known freelancer Linda coming second and a chrome pole molester from the new Lolipop play palace (Soi 2) finishing a close third.  The contest is scheduled for 9:30 p.m. but, this being Thailand, will probably get underway by 10:00 p.m.

 

Cheaper way to get the blues: The highly acclaimed Blues Factory (Soi Lucky Star, off Walking Street) is continuing with its two-for-one happy hour on liver wasters between 9:00 and 10:30 p.m. For those who want to see Thai legend Lam Morrison in action, Wednesday night is the time to go and management also have a lucky number draw for all patrons. However, be warned: Lam is likely to play ‘Hotel California’ and there are now male bathroom attendants looking for a bit of copper to help you wash your hands.

 

Just a little squirt: According to one of my regular informants, the chrome pole hugging activities at the Peppermint ogling den (Walking Street) were delayed for about an hour on Friday March 28 when the local plod decided to check the ID cards of the dancing maidens and then tested the said maidens for drug use by getting them to provide urine samples. My informant said, ‘As each test was found to be negative, a cheer went up from the audience of young ladies and the whole procedure was carried out in a good humour. The police departed without apparently finding any criminals.’

 

You number one for me: The Number One beer boozer, located in the small soi between Central Road and Soi 7, opened for business at the beginning of March and mamasan Wun seems to have the right idea about running a small ale house.  The reception committee in some beer boozers around town tends to consist of “hello, what you drink?” and then, after the glass or bottle appears in front of you, the serving wenches either sit and stare into the deep void of outer space, continue munching away on fried dung beetles or simply turn their backs and watch Thai television. So, it’s nice to wander into a boozer where the staff are friendly, come over for a chat and are not pushy for drinks. This is the case in Number One.

The boozer has comfortable lounge chairs and with bottled amber fluid at 60 baht and lolly water at 30 baht it’s not straining on the wallet. With some attractive wenches (at least when I went in) it’s worth wandering into when campaigning down around Soi 7 and 8.

 

Once was enough: To be fair, I’ve only wandered in once in recent times, specifically Wednesday March 26, but it will take a lot to get me back again. I’m talking about the Vixens ogling den (Soi Diamond). On Wednesday night’s the den offers all libations at just 65 baht, including lady drinks, between 8:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m. Draught amber fluid is 55 baht all night.

 

There were around 15 chrome pole shufflers, most wearing those white short skirts that always remind me of the curtains usually found adorning kitchen windows. Mind you, there are a number of other ogling dens that also allow their dancers to be so dreadfully attired. Most of the dancing maidens were clearly supporting children, some of whom could easily be already in high school and the DJ was playing selections from that bargain-bin CD 101 Tunes No-one Has Ever Heard Before (or wants to again). There were no other customers.

 

The pity is that when the current management took over a couple of years ago, they remodelled the interior and had the chrome pole molesters decked out in fine style; some really were Vixens and the place was deservedly popular. Unfortunately, for reasons unknown to me, the place now has the look of a third-rate gin palace and it seems as though the owners have lost interest in making it work.

 

Overpriced and overrated: According to the monthly (or thereabouts) e-mail missive issued by The Clinic sports emporium on Soi Yamato, the Tim ogling den (Second Road) is charging 1,000 baht for punters to take dancers from the chrome pole palace before midnight. After the clock strikes 12 the impost drops to a ‘mere’ 700 baht. If this is correct it’s a wonder anyone bothers, especially as the last time I was in the dancing maidens were an average looking lot.

 

I’m a dancer, my dear, not a common strumpet: The Pattaya Chrome Pole Molesting Collective has issued the following memorandum to those dancing maidens who are wavering when potential customers baulk at paying them 2,000 baht or more for a long time in their esteemed company.

 

‘You may be fat or ugly or old- or all three- and a man can pay the same amount for a young, beautiful and slim lady, but you must remember you are a dancer. You are not some common girl serving behind the counter of a lowly beer bar. Even if you were once just a serving girl at a beer bar who would spend an evening with a foreigner for just 500 baht, you are now a dancer and even if you do look like your g-string will disappear like a rattlesnake in a ravine at the next gyration, the customer has seen your body and has decided you are the one for him. Stick it to him sisters and do not budge when demanding a fair price for your maidenhead!!’

 

My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com

Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids"

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