Nightmarch 6 February 2003

[PattayaPete 530]

Fashion on Valentines: The Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond, Walking Street), run by the affable Tee, will be holding a Fashion Show on Valentine’s Day, Friday February 14, commencing at 11:00 p.m. The show is to be held in conjunction with a mob called FI Produce, which might sound like a company involved animal husbandry but I’m assured by Tee that they specialise in women’s apparel.

 

A week later, February 21, Tee will conduct his fourth Dance Contest with the usual collection of chrome pole huggers being drafted in from around the various bars of Fun Town. Tee has gradually refined the workings of the Dance Contests and it’s no surprise his chrome pole palace is usually standing room only by the time the first round is in full swing.

 

The Emperor’s new clothes: Almost two years ago the newly-installed Interior Minister Purely Puritanical commenced his Orwellian-sounding social order campaign. He has since departed the Interior Ministry and to all intents and purposes about the only mark he appears to have left is 2:00 a.m. closing for ogling dens.

 

In recent times it is noticeable that the restraints on trade have been relaxed to such an extent that there are now legions of dancing damsels in a multitude of ogling dens wearing not much more than knee-length boots and an occasional smile. In fact this unofficial laissez-faire style of business now means that the ogling public can see more maps of Tasmania -think of triangles- than was the case before the advent of the social order campaign in 2001.

 

Perverts paradise No. 1: Big Andy’s new baby, Club Electric Blue (Walking Street) without a doubt is leading the way as far as dancing damsels in boots, baubles and bugger-all else is concerned. He’s sensibly modified the bikinis that those lasses who are a little shyer than the others don, so a little more light shines through and customers don’t need quite so much imagination to determine what lies beneath the surface.

 

The music is good, with a variety of rock and roll and some techno and although the glass floor seems almost superfluous now that the majority of dancers seem keen to display their collective wares, it nevertheless remains a sought-after bum warming position.

 

Perverts paradise No. 2: This has to be the Polo ogling den (upstairs, Walking Street). With draught amber nectar at just 60 baht before 10:00 p.m. and a series of non-stop shows, some tasteful, others tongue-in-cheek and a few we’ve seen elsewhere, it’s definitely a gynaecologists delight.

 

The first so-called Amazing Dance Show Contest featured only three Pattaya-based ogling dens (Kittens, Living Dolls Showcase and What’s Up) with two dancers competing from each, but was unique in commissioning the services of eight gorgeous -and I do not use that adjective loosely- Bangkok magazine models to strut their stuff.

 

After seeing how the Pattaya girls revved up the audience with wanton displays of their anatomy, the Bangkok models declined to go head-to-head and simply came back for a subdued but nonetheless worthwhile catwalk-style presentation.

 

The risqué dance contest was won by the team from Living Dolls Showcase who collected 10,000 baht for their efforts while the runners-up were the girls from What’s Up who pocketed 7,000 baht and the pussies from Kittens snaffled 3,000 baht.

 

Perverts paradise No. 3: The Peppermint ogling den (upstairs, Walking Street) is still holding on to the Number One chrome pole palace in Fun Town position, despite the challenges of Polo and Club Electric Blue. Happy hour still runs from 7:30 to 9:30 p.m. with house liver wasters, Thai rotgut and amber draught at 35 baht and the joint fairly heaves with punters from opening until closing.

 

Correction: Some time ago I wrote that the ogling den in Fun Town with the longest name was Don’t Go Home Alone Tonight. However, I’ve since been informed that the establishment, which has now turned itself into a late night boogie barn is in fact simply called X. The sign out the front has a giant red ‘X’ emblazoned on a white background with the phrase ‘Don’t go home alone tonight’ written underneath in bold black letters. Oh well, looks like my application to join Mensa will be put in the idiot’s basket yet again.

 

Achtung, achtung: The long-awaited Schlemmer Garten munching den (Second Road, opposite the Lek Hotel and in front of the Fight Night Complex) opened for business on January 28. The menu boasts around 300 dishes with Thai, German, English and other European-style nosh at great value prices.

 

Free-spending in Freeway: The Freeway ogling den (Pratamnak Road) may be a little out of the way for some, but it’s well worth sidetracking to if you haven’t yet caught the underwater swimming show for which the joint is justifiably noted.

 

As a chrome pole palace it doesn’t rate alongside the best that Walking Street has to offer, but the dancing maidens are friendly and with most liquid refreshments retailing between 70 and 95 baht it’s not hard on the pocket. Lady drinks are 95 baht and the underwater show starts around 9:30 p.m. each night.

 

On Wednesday and Saturday nights there is a free buffet and the food, both European and Thai, is excellent. The buffet starts at 7:00 p.m.

 

The only real negative in the place appears on the back of the laminated drinks menu sitting on each table. After a brief introduction came a list that purported to determine whether you, the customer, was either a ‘Cheap Charlie’ or a ‘Real Star’. For example, you are classified as a ‘Cheap Charlie’ if you only leave between one and five baht as a tip. On the other hand, you are a ‘Real Star’ if you spend upwards of 5,000 baht a night. So, to all of you reading this, the management of Freeway seems to be inferring that only those who are willing to part with 5,000 baht a night or more are worthy of respect. The rest of us mere monetary mortals should hang our heads in shame I suppose. I find this type of elitist psycho-babble offensive and at odds with the ostensibly egalitarian nature of Pattaya and I strongly suggest to the management of Freeway they find something more appropriate to put on the back of their drinks menus.

 

It’s not burnt, it’s the way it’s cooked: Down Jomtien way there’s a nice little noshery named D. D’s serving up black spaghetti and fettuccine at an average of 70 baht a dish. The place is just across the road from the Jomtien Complex Condo and has a cosy, relaxed atmosphere in a clean setting. Service can be a little tardy, but the food is tasty and a little different.

 

The Lion roars no more: In a 1992 Guide published to help U.S. service personnel orientate themselves with Pattaya, the Red Lion boozer (Walking Street) was touted as offering ‘typical English fare, as well as pool, backgammon and daily golfing tours.’

 

For many years now the Red Lion has exhibited all the signs of a geriatric with senile dementia and so it was no surprise to see the place close down and construction of a new…drum roll please…open beer bar complex rise from the rubble. Named the Pompet complex the owners seem to have a little nostalgia as the old faded Red Lion sign remains above the new neon bright lights.

 

Out of the Rumour Mill:

1.      Word on the street is that the beer boozers and Sierra Tango joints at the Second Road end of Soi 6/1 will be knocked down and replaced by shophouses. Most of the affected boozatoriums are set to move into the new Grand Sole clutch of bars just down the road.

2.      The Tourist Police office on Second Road is reportedly set to move after its lease runs out in March. The new location is currently a secret.

3.      The Cupido Entertainment Complex (top of Soi Skaw Beach) is rumoured to be still facing the developers wrecking ball, with bookmakers offering odds about just when the rumble of bulldozers will replace the dulcet sounds of shrill maidens. The current favourite is April.

 

 

My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com

Author od Pattaya "Patpong on steroids"

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