A selection i got today

[Ergodyne 19]

Breaking News:

The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone – up front for the Arsenal.

 

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.

Although they do make me look a bit gay.

 

Q: Why don’t blondes use vibrators?

A: They would chip their teeth.

 

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”

 

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank.

I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

 

Q: What’s the difference between a blond and a brick?

A: The brick doesn’t follow you home after you lay it.

 

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend – Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

 

Just been to the gym.

They’ve got a new machine in.

Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.

It’s great though. It does everything – KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

 

My new wig arrived the other day. It’s made of arsehole hair.

The bloody thing keeps blowing off.

 

A wise man once said “You should treat your women the way you treat your Hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag.”

 

Prince William says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.

Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a toss, he’s still going.

 

What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common?

The second leg is just for show

 

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency.

98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

 

I’ve just watched the Simpsons and realised it’s a load of bollocks.

Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?

 

Now he’s dead, they’re making a film of Eddie Stobart’s life story.

I’ve just seen the trailer, plus they’ve found out that he was HGV positive.

 

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.

Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme’s called Fact Hunt.

 

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!

 

1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it.

That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds.

And you thought Virgin media was fast.

 

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office.

I’ve been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days.

Why don’t you answer the bloody phone.

Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft twat.

 

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.

I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

 

Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line.

She’s not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

 

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them.

When I said “Wave” they legged it!

 

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, ' I gonna do that when I win lottery ' ...

'What ' s dat ' , says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut ' , says Paddy.

[danboy 151]

Cheers! Got a few chuckles out of that.

 

Especially like the one about the Japanese tourists, so wrong but funny anyway!

[berettakid 26]

I got my wife a bag of compost for her 30th birthday, and she throw it back in a rage!

 

Typical fuckin woman, you give then the earth and they throw it back in your face....

 

My wife was trying to be sexy last night. she lay on the bed licking a lollipop, then started slowly sliding it in her pussy, i said " steady love, you`ll need that to see the kids across the roads at school in the morning "......

[kuranda_bagman 135]

Just been to the gym.

They’ve got a new machine in.

Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.

It’s great though. It does everything – KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

 

 

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office.

I’ve been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days.

Why don’t you answer the bloody phone.

Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft twat.

 

 

Have to say these two almost made me spill my morning coffee - Thanks