Monkeywatch - October 2011

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month's moistened edition of Fun City Tales.

 

Well, Pattaya now has its own reason to remember 9/11, as it was on this very date that the city disappeared under a deluge of biblical proportions following 16 hours of torrential rain. Shops, clubs and cars were flooded out, motorcycles were washed away, and dead dogs were floating by in packs. Indeed, the water was so deep that I got my dong wet - and I'm not talking about Vietnamese currency here.

 

Fortunately, by the following afternoon there were only a few small puddles left…

 

 

We also saw the introduction of some new baht buses…

 

 

On the upside, at least the floods washed away the remains of the tsunami of raw sewage that had swept through Walking Street just the previous day following a leak caused by yet another pipework problem. World class tourist resort eh?

 

And if that wasn't enough, the crocodiles at the Million Year Stone Park took advantage of flood damage to their enclosure and staged another mass breakout. Not a comforting thought when you're wading through floodwater up to your waist. The park are offering 5000 baht per crocodile to anyone who can find one, though it remains unclear whether you have to catch it and take it back to the park to claim your reward. The chairman of the park sought to reassure the public by adding that the crocodiles are farmed rather than wild, but this may just mean that they have better table manners when they eat you. Some reports said they were actually alligators, though if one of the buggers is having you for supper, the difference is probably fairly academic.

 

The owner of Pattaya Floating Market has finally found his boat that went missing five years ago. So how do you lose a boat? I guess you're walking along the street, your mind on other things, then suddenly realise your boat's gone. Yeah, that'd be it.

 

This taxi driver has the worst accident record in Pattaya. Can't imagine why…

 

 

Provincial Police raided Mike Shopping Mall last week and walked off with 100,000 baht's worth of counterfeit goods. You've got to hand it to the boys in brown, they sure know how to negotiate a discount.

 

Members of the public were amazingly uninjured when a car drove straight through the front of a barber's shop, demolishing a mobile noodle shop on its way (it's probably not so mobile now). The driver claimed to have mistaken the premises for a drive-through barber's shop, though it seems more likely to have been a revenge attack for a bad haircut.

 

WTF is going on in Pattaya these days? The last time I went into the Blues Factory they were showing showjumping videos, and when I looked in Alcatraz A Go Go the girls were wearing more than you'd expect to see in the average coyote bar. Actually, I nearly wasn't allowed into Alcatraz as the guy on the door initially got it into his head that I was an Indian. Guess he must have had a cold.

 

Due to traffic congestion on Beach Road, some property owners have put up signs advising tour bus drivers not to allow their passengers to disembark in certain areas…

 

 

Time for bar news, and the end of an era has arrived with the closure of TQ2, the ancient bar which is reportedly documented in the Old Testament as having being visited by Noah for a quick short time when his Ark was moored in Walking Street following the first recorded floods in Pattaya. Rumour is it's going to reopen as a coyote bar. The demolition of Soi 2 bars continues, with Party Bar added to the list of casualties and Lek's Classroom Bar, Toy Bar, Pacific Bar and Monkey Bar (how dare they) due to be flattened in the next few weeks. Sapphire A Go Go has closed for renovations and should be reopening next month in a somewhat enlarged form, and Club Mirage on Soi Diamond has made a surprise comeback after a lengthy absence. There's also been an unusual development on Walking Street with the opening of City Man Club, which allegedly isn't a gay club as one might have imagined but is in fact a bar for ladies to go and be entertained by Thai..er..gentlemen. Well, if it succeeds in such a high profile location it should at least take some of the wind out of the feminazi's bloomers. What's sauce for the goose eh, slappers?

 

There's a German tramp wandering the streets of Patts at the moment, and the police have apparently decided that they don't want to arrest him because he's too filthy and smelly for either the police station or the monkey house. No doubt there's a few groups wandering around Pattaya at present who'll view this news with more than a little interest.

 

Actually, there's been a lot of comment about the new brand of tourist visiting Pattaya of late, much of it somewhat less than complimentary. There is, however, a positive side to this. Just think how much more desirable your average Joe Monger must now seem to the girls compared to this army of filthy cheap ignorant stinking pigs (no offence intended) that are infesting so many bars these days. It's almost a shame that the way things are going they'll probably all be banned from every Go Go in Pattaya by Christmas.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Funky 87]

Great read as ever many thanks