Nightmarch 30 May 2004

[PattayaPete 530]

A Few More Chukkas Added to the List: As regular readers will know, I like spending my idle moments in ogling dens, in preference to beer boozers. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy the odd evening out and about chatting with females who are generally more fully clothed than your average garden-variety chrome pole molester; it’s just the ‘what you name?’, ‘where you come from?’, gets tiresome after a while. Equally, I like the show dens and recently revisited an old favourite, the Polo ogling den (Walking Street) to see what changes, if any, had occurred since my last look inside. Most regulars will know the place is usually packed to the rafters with north Asian tourists, their hands wrapped around a bottle of Coca-Cola and their horn-rimmed glasses steaming up as they stare, mouths agape, at the scantily clad dancers on stage. There a number of new faces who have joined the performing troupe and while most of the shows remain the same, a couple of new ones have been added to the ensemble.

 

One of the new routines, unfortunately, strikes me as a waste of time. All the dancers congregate on stage and flap about like a waddle of demented geese for what seems an eternity before they all troop off. Drinks are still a standard 120 baht for anything from a glass of water to a vodka tonic; although libations for the hostesses are 85 baht for lolly water and 120 baht for anything containing an alcoholic substance. Worth wandering in for a change of scenery.

 

Rockin’ in the Far East: A few issues ago I noted the Far East ogling den (Soi Post Office) had a clutch of chrome pole molesters who were, to put it mildly, not only over the hill, but rather larger in the girth than your average Thai damsel. Just to prove that everything in Fun Town equates reasonably well to Hemingway’s autobiographical work, A Moveable Feast, my last couple of visits to this chrome pole palace have been quite enjoyable. There’s no doubt in my mind that within the confines of Pattaya lurk a number of men who couldn’t care less whether a dancing damsel has a boat race rivalling a Vogue front cover or a sleek and slender body of catwalk proportions, what really turns them on is the sight of an exposed map of Tasmania, with or without the bushy bits. There’s nothing wrong with that, per se; each to their own, especially in the egalitarian confines of Fun Town.

 

Far East Rock, and its sister across the way, Club Nevada, certainly caters to the closet gynaecologists among us and it has to be said, most of the females in both establishments are friendly and seem to have perfected the one-eyed trouser snake handshake, which would be familiar to most habitués of Sierra Tango (S/T) establishments.

 

A Sea Change: Wandered into The Sea ogling den (Soi Diamond) recently and although the music is crap, the chrome pole molesters, both in terms of numbers and quality, were better than at any time in recent mammary sorry, Freudian slip, I meant memory. Draught amber fluid still goes off all night at 55 baht; liver destroyers are a little pricey at 105 baht and giggle juice for the dancing damsels is average at 95 baht. While most of the sweet young things have played more games of ‘hide the salami’ than a veteran butcher, this a den to definitely put on the ‘to visit’ list at present.

 

I’m Your Private Dancer, Dancer for Money: The Private Dancer ogling den (Walking Street), really Champion in disguise (just don’t tell the plod), has hardly missed a beat since its alter ego fell foul of the local authorities and the operation relocated upstairs. Wardrobe malfunctions are practically de rigueur, perhaps the extra height above sea level causes unexplained shrinkage, and there’s no shortage of chrome pole molesters. Draught amber is available at 45 baht all night and ladies lolly water, in a decent glass, goes off at a reasonable 85 baht. The music is good but my one real complaint is the constant hassle to buy a thirsty damsel a drink.

 

It also annoys me when the mamasan, upon noticing that a dancing damsel has yet to lay claims upon your person after a minute or two, will order a chrome pole hugger to come over and begin applying her charms. Fifteen seconds later a serving wench will be at your side asking, “You buy drink for lady?” Of course this whole ploy is designed for maximum embarrassment to you, the customer, if you refuse. Human nature being what it is, probably 95 percent of customers (especially newcomers to the delights of Fun Town) will nod meek acquiescence. Of course, should you refuse you are likely to be called ‘keenio’ (Cheap Charlie). Some dens are worse than others for this practice, and Private Dancer (Champion) ranks among the worst.

 

My personal rule of thumb is simple: if I want a particular damsel to sit with me and spend her time then I will buy her a drink; if an attractive damsel wanders over of her own accord and I find her interesting to chat with, the same applies. If her opening words are “What you name, where you come from, buy me drink?” then I usually tell her, as inoffensively as possible, to go and play dodgem in the Sukhumvit Road traffic. Champion has re-opened after its enforced closure, but there’s no truth in the rumour that the dancing maidens are now reciting poetry and taking up calligraphy to supplement their meagre incomes. Short-term organ recitals, conducted in the privacy of one’s hotel, can be had for the usual monetary consideration.

 

Let’s Do Lunch: If you happen to enjoy a baguette, be it for breakfast or lunch, Café Ole (Soi Day-Night 2, off Soi 17) does the best in town. A baguette with ham and cheese, a small glass of orange juice and a cup of real coffee (or iced coffee if you prefer) retails at just 75 baht. Terrific value for money, although the cheese, sadly, is the processed variety.

 

Something new, something smashed: The old Internet café above the Super Baby ogling den (Soi Diamond), from which I have no doubt many thousands of plaintive emails declaring undying love, devotion and requests for urgent monetary assistance emanated, has gone to the cyber-cemetery and been replaced by an air-conditioned beer boozer named Heaven Above. In Soi 7, the German beer garden and restaurant, whose name escapes me, is no more. Not only have the gates been shut they, along with the rest of the structure, have been demolished. Probably a 7-11 or a Family Mart will rise from the rubble. Goldfingers ogling den, at the Beach Road end of Soi 7, re-opened on 20 May. My understanding is that it remains with the same ownership as before.

 

Back in the Swing: For a long time one of my favoured ogling dens was Spicy Girls down in gender-confused Pattayaland Soi 1. Sadly, for a few months it seemed to lose a number of its better chrome pole molesters and the couple of times I went in I was disappointed, to put it mildly. That all seems to have changed and when I wandered in recently the den was almost overrun with dancing damsels, and a couple or three had my below-the-belt brain working overtime. As one of my friends remarked, “Thank God they don’t play that techno crap. The music’s good in here.” That’s never changed. Good rock and roll, lady drinks are probably the best value in Fun Town at 70 baht, there’s 45 baht Chang amber all night and happy hour runs between 7:00 and 9:00PM with liver destroyers at 70 baht and bottled amber at 60 baht.

 

Dampen my fevered brow: OK, it’s free plug time again. As most readers would be well aware, the Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond) ran a series of monthly inter-bar dance contests during 2003. Although photography is banned in chrome pole palaces, in-house photos were taken during the series of contests and the best of these have been collated and are now featured in a 32-page glossy magazine entitled Dance Fever, the Best of the Diamond A-Go-Go Dance Contests 2003. Currently on sale for 250 baht the magazines are available from, naturally, the Diamond ogling den, as well as DK Books (Soi Post Office), DK Bookmart (Beach Road end of Central Pattaya Road), OK Corral (Soi Skaw Beach), Boutique Sexy (Naklua Road), Center Condo Café (South Pattaya Road), among others, and via the Internet at www.dcothai.com The magazine will not be reprinted and so it will become a collector’s item.