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It was a good night Adam. Where are the photos

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'. The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got One in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his Nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'. The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!' The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

8 things girls should say to a guy:- 1. I'm bored, let's shave my pussy. 2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3. That fart was great. Do another. 4. Of course I swallow. I love it. 5. No, that's o.k. You drink beer and watch porn. I'll do the washing up. 6. Just for a change put it in my arse. 7. How about you get that girl from work to join us? 8. Marriage? No way. Sadly, Carlsberg don't do girlfriends. But Thailand does.

Investment Advice If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214. So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Airways from London to Melbourne. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'. The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'. The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'. The boy admitted that this was the case. 'Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Virgin Airways always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you.'

DO NOT CHEAT AND LOOK AT ANSWERS!!! WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ (Passing requires only 4 correct answers) 1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) >From which animal do we get cat gut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass. Check your answers below . ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course) What do you mean, you failed? Me, too. (And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!) What is your score

The automobile driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is: .75 seconds....... or 1 car length for every 10 mph...... Test your average reaction time.. Be very careful this can be addictive. Click on the link below and good luck. Reaction Test http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sle...on_version5.swf

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland. Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub . Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication? The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken. 'I doubt it,' said the man; 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time to consider how their online name might appear! These are not made up. Check them out yourself! 1. 'Who Represents' is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is: www.whorepresents.com 2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at: www.expertsexchange.com 3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ' Pen Island '. It can be found at: www.penisland.net 4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder' at: www.therapistfinder.com 5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company. Check it out at: www.powergenitalia.com 6.'IP computer' software, there's always: www.ip_anywhere.com 7. 'The First Cumming Methodist Church' Web site is:www.cummingfirst.com 8. And the designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at their wacky Web site: www.speedofart.com Have a fun day! Just be careful what you name YOUR new web site

There’s a bloke sitting indoors watching the T.V. His other half has gone off to bingo and his son's watching T.V in his bedroom. All of a sudden his son appears in the hallway. The son said 'Dad, I have a question, What’s 'Love Juice?' The dad said 'How old are you?' The son said 'Twelve,' and so the Dad said 'Well you’ve got to find out sometime, so sit down. You're going to meet a lovely young lady along your travels and you’ll probably find yourself a little secret love nest. You’ll start to kiss and cuddle and find yourself getting sexually aroused. You’ll probably start to undo her blouse and play with her boobs. You’ll probably start to run your hand up her leg and start to play with her little hairy buff. Don’t make it too wet otherwise it makes farting noises during sex. That wetness that you can feel is called love juice.' The boy says 'Thanks Dad' and starts to walk out of the room. The dad says 'Excuse me son, but what are you watching upstairs?' His son replies 'Tennis…'

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him. 'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name' 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.' 'What's ur name' she asked. He said, 'B. J. Titsenbeer.'

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!! Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.' I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?' God says 'We are over quota on Gypos. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will just let the dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the blower to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God. 'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'................................. 'No, the gates'

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny. The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted.....

The CO's morning brief The Commanding Officer of a well known Regiment was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure'? The CO's ADC chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work. A Captain said it was 50-50%. A young Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, which could vary depending on his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the CO turned to the Regimental Sergeant Major who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation the sage responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure" The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? "Well Sir," began the RSM, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation... The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?' The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed.' The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?' 'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They reckon it'll calm me down. The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you here?' The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the Hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch.' 'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired. 'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said. The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?' 'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'. The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts off for you too, huh?' The black Lab said... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'.

The benefits of Private Health...

The mathematics on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows: After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened she's not Thai !) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time. This is Heather. On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything! This is Kristen Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million). Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees. Thats why Pattaya is so much more fun Sometimes renting makes far more sense.

READ BELOW BEFORE LOOKING AT THE PICTURE After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. Scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; It is more of a psychological problem. Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands. Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women. Various field tests have been carried out on the new design: Julie from Mount Waverley said:- 'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be' Susan from Oxley added:- 'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle' Hillary from Wentworth Falls said: - 'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one'!

A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively,then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't -- and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it then? What does she do ?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes ..." he replied - SCROLL DOWN OOOOH - You're gonna dislike me for this - but it will make your day !!! and I bet you forward it. She sells C cells by the seashore

A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occassions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?' She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today! A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0..00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank: Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.' ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.' ANZ: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.' Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?' ANZ: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!' Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' ANZ: 'Excuse me?' Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?' ANZ: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.' ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' ANZ: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?' Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given) ANZ: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?' Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given ) After they get the fax: ANZ: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.' Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.' ANZ: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?' ANZ: 'That might help.' Family Member: ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney , Plot Number 1049.' ANZ: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!' Family Member: 'Well, what the f u c k do you do with dead people on your planet?'