Menzo

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??" "Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct. ************ It's Raining, It's Pouring. Oh shit, it's Global Warming. ************ Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties. He can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes. ************ Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and everywhere that Mary went the boys could see her thighs. Mary had another skirt 'twas split right up the front ...But she didn't wear that one often. ************ Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread. ************ Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man 'What have u got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon Pies you dickhead. ************ Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its arse and turned its wool to nylon. ************ Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play he kissed them too cause he was gay. ************ Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing. ************ Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy.

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medicalalert__1_.doc

mum can help

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?" Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO... when our kids take away our drivers‘ licenses.

A Confused Chicken

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and Blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady,what do you want?" the Genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every Country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" she mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the wife go upstairs where they spend the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the Genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers..... Tower:"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:"Give us another hint!We have digital watches!" ************************************************************************************************** Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" **************************************************************************************************** From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:"I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" ************************************************************************************************** O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this. I've got the little Fokker in sight." **************************************************************************************************** A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." *************************************************************************************************** A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San JoseTowerNoted:"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." **************************************************************************************************** A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" *************************************************************************************************** Tower:"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers." **************************************************************************************************** * One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." **************************************************************************************************** The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206:" Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." ************************************************************************************************* While taxiing at London's GatwickAirport, the crew of a USAir flight departing for Ft.Lauderdalemade a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!You got that, USAir 2771?" "Yes, ma'am,"the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Can you judge someone by looking at them? BY LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF A PERSON, YOU HAVE TO DECIDE IF HE IS A COMPUTER GEEK OR A SERIAL KILLER. GO WITH YOUR GUT FEELING AND CLICK ON YOUR CHOICE. THERE ARE 10 PHOTOS. YOUR SCORE WILL BE GIVEN AT THE END. I got 8 out of 10 Click here at link below: http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz ,,,,,,,,

Men and Women>>>>>>>>>> A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.>> She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.>> The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'>> The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.>> Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'>> The woman said, 'That's okay.'>> For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.>> The frog warned her, 'You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.>> The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'>> So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!>> For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.>> The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'>> The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'>> So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!> The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'> Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.>> Attention female reader: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.> Male readers: Please scroll down.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife .> Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.> Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show> PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!>> Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

TOP100_Flash_MX_SECRETS.PDF

This will drive you nuts!! Have fun! The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls. If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes. Give it a try but be careful...it is addictive!! http://tinyurl.com/56t9u I can go for 22.2 sec

So is the Formula One race from the Airport to Pattaya. I like a Miss Daisy Driver not a Death Race2000

THE 6 BEST SMART ARSED ANSWERS OF 2006 SMART ARSED ANSWER 6 It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. "What are my choices?" the man asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ARSED ANSWER 5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub." SMART ARSED ANSWER 4 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead." SMART ARSED ANSWER 3 The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said. The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ARSED ANSWER 2 A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?" The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!" SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

can you find the prob

could help

A smart white women http://www.bsnews.org/articles/135

NEWEVENINGCLASSESFORMEN.docWhat we can do in the cold nights in the UK

I think the guy should be donate to a museum and then

Sweet firm butt, nice

What Religion is Your Bra? A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.” “What type of bra?" asked the clerk. “Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?” “Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: “There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?” Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.” Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! (A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up ! Send this to all that will appreciate it! They forgot the German bra… Holtzemfromfloppen