wacojacko

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today Dear Lions Bay School , God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off. Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Edna

Let me see if I've got this right IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR. IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY. IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED. IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN. IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED. IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT. IF YOU CROSS THE THAI BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY DEPORTED AFTER A SPELL IN THE MONKEY HOUSE. IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY; YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENCE, SOCIAL INSURANCE CARD, MONEY FROM SOCIAL SECURITY, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDISED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE. Good day and welcome to a brand new edition of . . .. 'ASYLUM'. Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition: HIJACK AN AIRLINER and win A COUNCIL HOUSE ! We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, The British Taxpayer.. And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet. Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English: 'ASYLUM' Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at 180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging, burgling and accosting drivers at traffic lights. This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Euro star. No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: 'ASYLUM' A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury 200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel... They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ...... Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire. If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience . .. . Just apply for legal aid. Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help - for FREE ! It won't cost you a penny. And . .. . It could change your life forever. So play today. Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...the list is endless EVERYONE IS WELCOME - INCLUDING ALL YOUR OWN WIVES AND CHILDREN COME ON DOWN ! Get along to the airport ! Get along to the lorry park ! Get along to the ferry terminal ! Don't stop in Germany or France ! All European countries will willingly speed you on your way ! Come straight to Britain And you are: **** GUARANTEED **** to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.. Everyone's a winner, when they play 'ASYLUM' PLEASE FORWARD THIS TO EVERY BRITISH TAXPAYER YOU KNOW !

you wouldnt like it for a wart on your nose

its,missed the best bit off

]Finally they have arrived!!! And will be the sensation of the season ... . . . . . Yes, that's right: THE NEW SUNGLASSES COLLECTION 2010 [/size]

looking to stay at the ( sunshine garden resort ) near dolphin roundabout anyone got any info please btw got a cheap deal if it,s ok

just seen this thaught i,d share it DO YOU KNOW THE BEST THING ABOUT FUCKING A LADYBOY? REACHING ROUND THE FRONT AND THINKING ............IT'S GONE ALL THE WAY THROUGH...

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend.." And that’s how the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that’s how the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And that’s how the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap.. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And that’s how the fight started..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that’s how the fight started.... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And that’s how the fight started..... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And that’s how the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that’s how the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And that’s how the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And that’s how the fight started... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And that’s how the fight started...

A Blonde's Year in Review January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!! March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said '2-4 years!' April Trapped on escalator for hours .... Power went out!!! May Tried to make Kool-Aid......wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, The other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August Got locked out of my car in a rain storm..... Car swamped because soft-top was open. September The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it ? October Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!! THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!' (Are you ready This is a beauty...) ' My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

lifesavers

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little so he went to the exclusive St Andrews Golf Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a few days. Two days later he was told that his application had been turned down. He went to the Club to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?" "Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock" "Well you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts." "Aye, I know that." "And being Jewish you must be circumcised." "Aye, I am that." "Well the board decided that we could not have a circumcised man parading around with us." "Och away with ye man," the Jew cried. I know I must be a Protestant to march on the orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus but this is the first time I've heard that a man has to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman.

> > > >this requires a lot of thought! > > > Scenario: > > > You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a > valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed > as you. > > > In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and > you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. > Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed > as you. > > > What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? > > > SCROLL DOWN > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Answer: > > > Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're pissed

seen it before villa, still think it,s fuckin great

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen. 'What would you like for dinner, Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?' He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." She replied, "F**k You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."

i know a few english birds like that

Dear grim reaper, so far this year you have taken away my favorite celebrity jade goody, my favorite dancer michael jackson, my favorite actor patrick swayze and my favorite singer stephen gateley. Just so you know my favorite twins are john and edward. for those who don,t know the last two are on x-factor i think

ah, but did he get the job???

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Limerick to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son...... is how ya wave a fe*kin' towel!'

four of us stayed there in april for 3 weeks (friendly staff) have booked for xmas 26th dec-8th jan any members there at that time ?? give us a call and can meet up for a drink or three.

i usually take mine out and dip em in bleach.... brings em up a treat

3

just seen this thaught it was funny which ones going to los????