tom21

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird >> section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem. " >> The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take >> four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, " says Gerry. >> The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for >> the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the >> top of the Connor Pass. >> At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, >> "Dis looks like a grand place. " He takes two birds out of the box, >> puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. >> Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to >> the bottom, killing himself stone dead. >> Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and >> says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me! " >> >> >> >> THERE'S MORE. . . >> >> Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. >> He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff >> carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. >> "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis, " Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box >> and lets him fly free. >> He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. >> Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the >> parrot. >> Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and >> breaks every bone in his body. >> Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat >> parrotshooting either! " >> >> >> >> IT IS NOT OVER YET. . . >> >> Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when >> Sean >> appears. >> He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of >> which he pulls a chicken. >> Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the >> cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. >> Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry >> with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. . . and now Sean and >> his fook'n hengliding! " >> >> >> >> >>

>Subject: An Aussie Love Story > > >>An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of >>impending death, he suddenly smelt the aroma of his favourite Anzac >>bikkies wafting up the stairs. >> He gathered his remaining strength , and lifted himself from the >>bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom >>and , with even greater effort . gripping the railing with both hands >>, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath , he leaned against the >>door frame , gazing into the kitchen. >> Were it not for death"s agony ; he would have felt himself >>already in heaven, for there spread out on waxed paper on the kitchen >>table were literally hundreds of his favourite Anzac bikkies. >> Was it heaven ?. or was it one final act of love from his >>devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this >>world a happy man?? >> Mustering one great final effort , he threw himself towards the >>table ,landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered >>hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when he was >>suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula................... >> >> >> " Piss off" she said ,"They are for the funeral". >> >> >

Subject: Beer contains female hormones Beer contains female hormones Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 10 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotional. 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally. 8) Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Tickle Me Elmo: There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Positive thought for the day When you feel that nobody loves you, Nobody cares for you, Everyone is ignoring you, You should really ask yourself...... Am I a wanker?

The dwarf with a lisp -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I"d like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner "A female horth" the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth" says the dwarf, "can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's eyes. "Nithe eyeth", says the dwarf, "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth ... can I thee her eerth?" the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but once again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's ears. Nithe eerth", he says ... "Now can I thee her twot?" With this, the owner picks up the dwarf by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head up the horse's vagina. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says ... "Perhaps I should wee fwaze that ... Can I thee her wun awound?"

anouther change in visa rules

quote The first problem in paying a pension to her, was that she had no U.K National Insurance, for tax purposes. the pension is taxed, so she must be on the books for any benefits. I believe there was a problem with paying a lump sum, into a Thai bank account from the U.K too. The only Thai bank in U.K was a clearing bank. I have just started to get a pension from the uk. i have no national insurance number (never had one) and it was no problem. the uk charged tax but australia has a tax agreement with the uk so i will pay australian tax as the marrage was registered in the Uk she should have the right of abode in the UK

T he Cork Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt. If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?" I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt." "I do not understand," said the other. The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish." I said, "No shit"

One Blondie Joke I don't mind sending..... Flagpole >>>Engineers Patrick and Seamus ( Dublin mechanical engineers) were >>>standing puzzled at the base of a flagpole, looking up. >>> >>>A pretty woman walked by and asked what they were doing. >> >>>"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick >>>"but we don't have a ladder." >>> >>>The woman sighed, took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, >>>and >>>laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a >>>measurement, announced, "5 metres," and walked away. >>> >>>Seamus shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! >>> >>>We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone In the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man Looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what You're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over There in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that Nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to My room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic Evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, Starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the Old man. "Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocker."

WHAT'S IN A NAME A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. "Beertits", he said.

A man boarded an aircraft at Adelaide and took his seat, as he settled in,he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

ct: FW: Pharmacology Subject: Fw: Pharmacology In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and >generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic >name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also >call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. > > The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. >After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it >recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of >Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, >Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be >available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power >beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man >to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call >this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of >"cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". >Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

there are a lot of posts on the pro's and cons of buying a house or condo which i find very interesting. the only thing missing seems to be the on going costs. i like to know what these are and as an owner of a condo do you have any input into the running of the building.

"The Man " - Mundine Rumour There are rumours that Anthony Mundine's performance at his recent world title fight was drug assisted, Apparently "The Man "did not provide a urine sample after the fight. It has also been revealed that he has in fact never provided a urine sample during his entire sporting career ( NRL or BOXING ) A spokesman for Mundine has stated that the boxer is protected by Commonwealth and International law, which makes it illegal to take the piss out of Aboriginals.

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in a while. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law) Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!! DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. >> >>He says to his mate "I'm stuffed mate, who will want a one legged gold >>digger?" >> >>His mate replies, "try Paul McCartney"

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. What is the difference between a Harley and a Vacuum Cleaner? The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18. What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo." Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. What's the Cuban National Anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe." How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..." Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

never know it may be true

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But, I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant" Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

that's a good one

this is a old one Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the beer.They've got no money to get a taxi, and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside a bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick, "get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home, and I'll stay out here and look out for the police." Mick duly breaks into the depot and is gone for twenty minutes, while Paddy is wondering what the hell he is doing. .. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door, and sees Mick running from bus to bus looking very worried. "What in all hell are you doing, Mick, get a move on!" To which Mick replies,"I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy," whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts, "You ***** idiot, Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."