Just For Laughs.

[ff29 0]

The Hereafter?

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go and true to his word, he made contact.

 

"Mary ..... Mary" !!

 

"Is that you, Joe?"

 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

 

"What's it like?"

 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and off to the golf course and I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day, it starts again."

 

"Oh, Joe, you surely must be in Heaven".

 

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on the golf course at Leam Chabang." Close but no cigar.

 

Just 26 days 13 hours 35 minutes and 5 seconds then wheels-up and off to LOS, Thailand. . . but who's counting?

 

Regards,

ff29

[Eneukman 1]

Don't Hit the Ball

 

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and

takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

 

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows." he answers.

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

 

Alan

[bigmofo 0]

a couple who had been married for 20 years had just played 18 holes together and were enjoying a drink in the 19th.the wife tels her husband she has somthing to confess.she then tells her husband that when we first met my name was edward which i changed to edwina after an operation.he could not believe it after sitting there for two minutes mouth wide open with a look of total shock.she says please say something.he said you mean your telling me all this time you have been playing of the red tees you fucking twat.

[ff29 0]

Beer vs. Vagina.

 

1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. One point to BEER.

 

2. Warm beer tastes awful. One point to VAGINA.

 

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. One point to BEER.

 

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. One point to VAGINA.

 

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife/girlfriend may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife/girlfriend may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

 

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. One point to VAGINA.

 

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any pussy in public, you become a legend. One point to VAGINA.

 

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer. One point to VAGINA.

 

9. You normally don't find old beer. One point to BEER.

 

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen god. One point to VAGINA.

 

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun. One point to VAGINA.

 

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer. One point to VAGINA.

 

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off. One point to BEER.

 

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER.

 

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settles down. One point to BEER.

 

16. With beer you always have choices: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc. One point to BEER

 

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost. One point to BEER.

 

18. Beer doesn't have a mother. One point to BEER.

 

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it. One point to BEER

 

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10; VAGINA: 8

 

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER.

 

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them, an extra bonus point for BEER!

 

DISCLAMER: This Beer vs. Vagina test does not apply in Pattaya, Thailand or any other area of LOS. Please note that Item # 5 may still apply depending on your personal circumstances.

 

NOTE: Some may find it nessesary to change Vagina to Pussy, Snatch, Bush, Kerry, Box, Muff, and etc. for clearer understanding for those not familiar with the anatomically correct names for women’s body parts.

 

Just 20 days 10 hours 51 minutes and 2 seconds then wheels-up and off to LOS, Thailand. . . but who's counting?

 

Regards,

ff29

[ff29 0]

THE FASTEST THING ON EARTH?

 

Ever wonder what is the fastest thing on earth?

 

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

 

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

 

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is t! he fastest thing I know of."

 

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

 

"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

 

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular cliché for speed."

 

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

 

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

 

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

 

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

 

The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's

obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

 

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

 

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants!"

 

HE GOT THE JOB

 

Just 15 days 20 hours 12 minutes and 17 seconds then wheels-up and off to LOS, Thailand. . . but who's counting?

 

Regards,

ff29

[ff29 0]

The Old RopeTrick

 

The other day I came home from work and was greeted by my wife dressed in a very sexy nightie, and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

 

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

 

So, I tied her up, went to Pattaya LOS, GOLFING (ST), and BG LT!

 

Is this how you handle this kind of offer from your wife or significant other??

 

Just 15 days 20 hours 4 minutes and 5 senconds then wheels-up and off to LOS, Thailand. . . but who's counting?

 

Regards,

ff29

 

Note: Following this example you may only get one offer per wife/significant other and find an empty house when you return.

[ashboy 22]

Q. Why do women get thrush?

 

A. So they learn how to handle an irritable c..t before they marry one.

[ff29 0]

Where is your underwear?

 

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

 

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

 

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

 

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

 

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies either.

 

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

 

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me!"

 

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

 

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

 

"Sweet mutter of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

 

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

 

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

 

Just 13 days 20 hours 16 minutes and 4 seconds then wheels-up and off to LOS, Thailand. . . but who's counting?

 

Regards,

ff29

[Dungheap 243]

THE WINNER OF THE 2004 DARWIN AWARD SHOULD BE....

 

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.

 

Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.

 

Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.

 

Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside.

 

To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course. :crying

[Eneukman 1]

Naked Hillbilly

 

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden

one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. Wooooo!

Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very

closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore

off his clothes and ran into the cave.

 

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all

about, was the other Indian crazy or what? "No," said the Indian. "It is

our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.... If they get an answer

back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

 

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the

cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately,

there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the

cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

 

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then

he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of

the huge opening, he was thinking, "Whoa, man! Look at the size of this

cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some

really big, fine women in this cave!"

 

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo!

Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and

then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

 

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the

cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline

of the Local Newspaper read..... "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT

TRAIN."

 

Alan

[ff29 0]

The Blue Cross Test

 

 

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to get his wife's test results.

 

The lab technician says to him, "I'm very sorry, sir, but we've had a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your wife's samples to the lab, the lab also

received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we're not sure which results are your wife's. But, frankly, it's either bad news or terrible news!"

 

"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.

 

"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. And we can't tell which is your wife's test." :crying

 

"This is terrible!" cries Mr. Smith. "Can't we do the test over?"

 

"Normally, yes," says the technician, "but you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

 

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.

 

"Blue Cross recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

 

 

Just 10 days 16 hours 59 minutes and 35 seconds the wheels-up and off to LOS, Thailand. . . who's counting?

 

Regards,

ff29

[ff29 0]

Hi Everyone,

 

Here's one to consider. . .

 

BEER HAS BEEN HELPING REALLY UGLY

PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 BC!

 

So don't despair. . . SEX help is as near as your favorite local beer bar.

 

Just 344 Days 46 Minutes and 28 Seconds Then Wheel-Up and Off To LOS, Pattaya Thailand. . . But Who's Counting?

 

Regards,

ff29

[saigon_butterfly 1]

Dang, FF. 344 days is a hell of a long time to wait. Lucky for me, I've only got 10 months to go. Whooopie.

Later, SB

[alvm 0]

If you like golf jokes try this website: http://www.golfjokes.co.uk

 

Have fun

[ff29 0]

An Scottish golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big

bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer

got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,

reviving him.

 

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye

got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

 

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief.

 

"I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.

I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

 

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was

fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for

him. I'll give him the three things I would want.... a great golf

game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

 

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the Scottish

golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into

the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

 

"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.

 

"I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

 

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the

first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous

golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all

right."

 

 

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, you

know.

 

And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

 

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in

golf. If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100

bills I didn't even know were there!"

 

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

 

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says

shyly, "It's OK."

 

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if

I did a good job. How many times a day?"

 

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once

sometimes twice a week."

 

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once

or twice a week?"

 

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic

priest in a small parish."

 

Just 86 Days 10 Hours 45 Minutes and 9 Seconds The Wheels-Up and Off To LOS Thailand. . . But Who's Counting?

 

Regards,

ff29 and

The Cash Cow

[Pakawala 0]

Someone just told me the similarity between 3-putting and masturbating... they're both a bit embarrassing but you know you do it again.

[eycplUK 7]

3 Guys, English, American & a Scot , were playing golf and after the game all retired to the clubhouse, all had several scotches and then a Large Expensive meal in the restaurant.

When the Bill came everybody in the Club heard the Scot say......

" I`ll Pay That ! "

Headline in local paper next day was ........

" American Ventriloquist found Dead at back of Golf Club "

Enjoy your golf Guys !

[suitcase 0]

1. Arriving for a round of golf in his Mercedes, a man is approached at the clubhouse by some guy.

 

"Hey buddy, while you play golf I'll wash your Mercedes inside and out for only 10 bucks" the guy says.

 

The golfer, figuring that he'd be a nice guy, accepts the offer and heads out for his round of golf. Upon his return he finds his car sparkling, inside and out. The windows are so clean that they all look open. He's so impressed that he pays the guy $20.

 

As the golfer is getting into his car, the guy holds up a golf tee and says, "by the way mister, I found this under your seat while cleaning, what's it for?"

 

The golfer responds "oh, that's for holding my balls when I'm driving".

 

"WOW!", the guy says. "Those Mercedes people thought of everything when they built this car didn't they?"

 

 

 

2. A guy rushes into his house and yells. "Honey! I just won 10 million dollars on the lottery! Pack your bags!"

 

"Oh wonderful sweetheart! Where are we going?" she asks.

 

He replies, "I don't care where you go as long as you get the fuck out!"

 

Laughter is good medicine

Suitcase

[suitcase 0]

A guy in a grocery store asks the clerk for half a head of lettuce. The clerk appologizes and says that they don't sell half heads of lettuce. The guy insists on having just a half.

 

The clerk goes to see the manager and says: "Hey boss, some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce" He notices the customer standing right behind him so he adds; "and this fine gentleman wants to buy the other half".

 

Once the customer leaves the boss says: "That was pretty quick thinking, where are you from?"

Clerk: "I'm from Montreal originally but I live here now".

Boss: "Why'd you leave Montreal?"

Clerk: "There's nothing in Montreal but whores and hockey players"

Boss: "My wife is from Montreal"

Clerk: "Oh yeah? What team does she play for?"

 

Suitcase