Nightmarch

[PattayaPete 530]

The End of the Draught: Not too long ago , quite a few gogos installed frozen Margarita machines with the idea of promoting the libation as an expensive form of lady drink. The experiment seems to have failed and many places have dispensed with the machines. Part of the reason, of course, is that the drinks were pricey and there are a lot of ex-pats and regulars who refuse to part with what they consider silly sums for glasses full of coloured alcoholic liquid, just to satisfy the whims of a few avaricious dancing damsels.

 

Now, at the other end of the financial scale, comes a prediction from one of Fun Town's prominent den manager's claiming that by the middle of this year, draught amber fluid will no longer be stocked by the better bars.

 

It's a bold prognostication considering the amounts of this liquid being sold each evening in all over Pattaya. The cost of a glass runs between 14 and 25 baht depending on the poison concerned, so even at 45 baht all night there is a profit to be had. My own feeling is dens should club together and agree on a minimum price for libations: say 50 or 55 baht. At the top end of the scale (that is: cost 25 baht; return 55 baht), the gross profit per glass runs to 120 percent. At the lower end (i.e.: cost 14 baht; return 55 baht), the gross profit rises to 292 percent.

 

Of course, it's only a decade or so ago that draught beer first made its appearance in Thailand, and its demise would allow bar owners to raise their minimum price for amber fluid to around Bangkok levels. This would probably not have much impact on takings in the high part of the season, but one wonders about the depths of low season and the wallets of the many retirees and those on fixed or low incomes currently residing in Pattaya.

 

Lady, Give Me Pain: In my last missive I mentioned a punter in an ordinary beer boozer in Soi 7 being stung for 160 baht for a lady drink and I asked readers if they knew of prices larger than this. According to one of my correspondents the new record high for lady drinks is 250 baht. The place ? and I guess this shouldn't really come as a surprise - is the beat-me-with-a-ripe-cucumber fetish boozer on Third Road, known as The Castle.

 

It's my understanding the joint still requires interested punters to part with 900 baht to get through the front door (although their first drink is free) and there's no having it away with the working damsels with your favourite rubber utensil, electrical appliance, or in-season fruit on the premises. Each to their own as the saying goes.

 

Two Down; Forty to Go: The tide may have finally turned in the seemingly never-ending exponential growth of go-go bars on Walking Street with the closure of New Player (Soi Diamond) and Teasers, one of the more recent additions.

 

One bar owner who was planning to open another palace of the chrome pole - in Soi Diamond - has had a change of heart and is set to open his doors as a den of oral stimulation instead, to be called, appropriately, Suckers. The sign out front should probably read: "Suckers, a rejuvenating experience". It will, as the new regime has pointed out, be the only den devoted to phallic nibbling in the Walking Street area.

 

Away from the fleshpots of Walking Street, there are rumours of a planned ogling den to open in Center Condo (South Pattaya Road). A pool hall, called simply Shoot Pool, opened late last year, charging 120 baht an hour for games, and seems to be doing reasonably well. And the well-named Look Out Inn is also popular with residents and visitors alike.

 

Countdown to Zero: The Regent Marina Hotel on Soi Zero in north Pattaya is currently a shell, having been torn down to be turned into some kind of mega resort. This has impacted on most of the businesses located along the street, from restaurants, boozers (including the X-Ray go-go bar) and other operators, with the majority of the buildings scheduled to be turned into mounds of rubble. Apparently some owners with time left on their leases are fighting the developers; others have accepted the inevitable and re-located, including Tropical Bert's, one of the better places that used to operate on the soi.

 

Around and About: The fairly new set of four beer boozers on Second Road, opposite Mike's Shopping Mall and just before Kiss Food are doing quite well judging by the number of times I've wandered past and counted the imbibers propped up on bar stools.

 

Further down Second Road, work continues apace on rebuilding a clutch of new beer boozers on the corner of Soi 1. The never-opened Tokyo go-go bar has been demolished on the site. It must surely be the only palace of the chrome pole never to open its doors in the history of Fun Town boozing.

 

Interesting sign: At the entrance to the very popular Beach Club table dancing den (Soi 15) there is a notice that reads 'No Backpackers'. Thankfully, Fun Town rarely sees too many of this type of tourist ('Hey man, we're not tourists, we're travellers.' Yeah, right!) and of course, since most of them are politically correct, they wouldn't be seen unwashed in a place of exploitation such as Beach Club.

 

Night of the Long Knives: Just over a year ago the original owners of the Diamond go-go bar (Soi Diamond) decided to cash in on the popularity of the chrome pole palace and flogged off 80 percent to four interested persons, each of whom purchased 20 percent. Rambling Ricky, one of the better Bangkok bar managers, organised the deal, picked up a shareholding and took on the duties of meeting and greeting.

 

All went swimmingly for a few months but then cracks began appearing in the façade. As the cracks became chasms due, in part it seems, to circumstances beyond Ricky's control, the murmurs of dissent from the various partners started gathering strength. Then, in the best traditions of corporate commerce, as profits began to falter (although, I'm told, the den was a long way from using red pencils to mark down the financial position) the four other partners allegedly decided the cause of the downswing on their monetary graphs was Ricky and voted to pay him out of the bar.

 

Of course a person of Ricky's personality and character is not going to be left 'out of action' for too long and, as of Saturday night 28 January, he is now ensconced in the Babewatch go-go bar (Soi 16). This den has proven to be the least successful of the clutch in the Covent Garden complex, although Ricky tells me they now have over 30 chrome pole huggers, so at least there's something to ogle.

 

Ring My Bell: The Dennis the Menace beer boozer (Soi 7) is located pretty much opposite the Flipper House sleeping palace. The difficulty with writing about beer boozers is that so many of them tend to be good, bad or indifferent based on personal taste. If a place has a clutch of good sorts they tend to be bought out by goggled-eyed punters and kept for a few days, weeks or even a lifetime.

 

So, if I write the place has a ton of beauties, by the time it gets into print they've invariably been snapped up and replaced by their ugly sisters. Usually, the best beer boozers are run by hands-on owners/managers who have a personable demeanour that turns first-time visitors into regulars.

 

Anyway, the Dennis The Menace beer boozer is certainly cleaner and fresher than most of its rivals in Fun Town and offers a good happy hour. Their advertising says 'Campanologists welcome'. Yes, I had to look up the word as well: it means bell ringers. High season usually has plenty of two-week millionaires prepared to turn campanologist with very little urging, so Dennis and his damsels should be doing OK.

 

Tales from the Crib: Considering all the available written material 'both in print and via the Internet- as well as the number of veteran ex-pats able to offer sage advice, you would think most walking wallets coming into Fun Town would be wary of parting with large chunks of the folding stuff when it comes to working lasses.

 

The reality, if pure empiric evidence is anything to go by, is far different. There seem to be more and more really stupid people coming here who fall in love with virtually the first beaver-flasher they meet and, as if afflicted by a voodoo curse, begin shelling out incredible chunks of their hard-earned on them.

 

Take one recent example. A quite nice Englishman came to Thailand for the first time around 18 months ago and fell in love with the nightlife and the ladies of Fun Town. About a year or so ago he met a woman working in a beer boozer on Walking Street and became besotted by her. So besotted in fact that when he returned to the Land of Tony Bland he began sending her an average of 35,000 baht a week.

 

According to someone who should know, this was the amount she claimed she needed to live on. She has two children already, as well as an Australian boyfriend who sends her money on a regular basis. The most amazing part is the besotted Pom readily admits he has never consummated their relationship. He also admits they regularly argue and fight. He is a classic example of the truth of the saying, 'a fool and his money are soon parted'.

 

Piece of Pith: A country without bordellos is like a house without bathrooms (Marlene Dietrich)