a collection

[sinbinjack 251]

What do you call the Indian karaoke champion?

Gerupta Singh.

 

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Have you heard about the new extra sensitive condoms?

They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

 

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Two university students had a week of exams coming up but decided to party instead. When they got to their exam they decided to tell the professor their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tyre and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure they knew just about everything. Arriving at class the next morning, each boy was told to go to a separate classroom to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to different parts of the building. As each sat down they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point they both thought this was going to be a piece of cake and answered the question with ease. The test continued.... "For 95 points, tell me which tyre it was."

 

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Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Billy received his plate, he started eating straight away.

"Billy, wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Billy explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

 

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A man enters his favourite fancy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: "Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarossa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

 

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Did you know you can get Viagra eye drops now?

They make you look hard.

 

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A woman decides to cook a fancy tea and sends her husband out for a bag of snails. She tells him that if he dares to go to the pub on the way back there will be hell to pay.

The man buys the snails and goes straight to the pub, where he stops until closing time. Feeling thoroughly refreshed he staggers home and rings the bell.

The wife, furious as thunder, stomps out of the kitchen and throws open the front door. She finds her husband in the driveway on his knees, the snails scattered around him in all directions.

He glares at them, throws out his arm and shouts, "Come on you b*stards! Hurry up!"

 

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

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An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"Well," he replied, "I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

"I'm a lesbian," she said. "I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower I think about women. While I watch TV or even eat I think about women. Everything seems to make me think about women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A short time later a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was," he replied, "but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

 

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Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't have time.

 

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A young camel was bored one day and started asking his mother questions.

"Why do we have large three toed feet?"

"So we don't sink while walking in the soft sands of the desert," his mother replied.

"Why do we have long eyelashes?" was the next question.

"To stop the sand of the desert storms getting in our eyes," was the exasperated reply.

"Why do we have a large hump on our back?"

"So we can cross the many miles of desert without needing water," his mother snapped.

"So what the f*ck are we doing in Chester zoo?"

 

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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber's chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get t*ts too."

 

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I've got this clever new car radio. It's voice activated.

When I want dance music I say 'dance' and it plays dance music.

When I want rock music I say 'rock' and it plays rock music.

The other day a bunch of kids ran in front of my car as I was driving along. "******* Kids," I shouted, and Gary Glitter came on.