MONKEYWATCH - September 2006

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings once more, Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the first Technicolor 3D Cinemascope edition of Monkeywatch. Or to put it another way, there’s a few pics in it. Right, here’s this month’s rundown of the latest Funtown frolics.

 

The boys in brown have been taking a tough line on drink-driving recently, so visitors would be well advised to stay within the prescribed limits when taking to the highway. However, as the current drink-drive limit is 32 bottles of Singha, three bottles of Mekhong whisky and a gallon of paint stripper, this shouldn’t prove to be too much of a daunting task for the average tourist.

 

These gentlemen were recently spotted getting ready to attach a barcode to the FLB Bar so that anyone who wants to buy the place can just take it straight to the nearest checkout and pay for it. Can’t wait to watch ‘em try to get it in a bag.

 

There was a bit of excitement the other week when a huge missile was reportedly spotted lying in a restaurant garden in Pattaya. The projectile, which was 1.5 metres long and weighed in at 20 kg was reported to the police, who rushed to the scene and proceeded to shoot at it until it was completely destroyed, much to the dismay of the restaurant owner who claimed that it was in fact the first piece of a giant Tom Jones statue that he was erecting to attract customers. He declined to say which part of the statue it was, but the police figured it out for themselves and he was promptly arrested and charged with constructing a statue with intent to cause a breach of the peace. To add insult to injury, it looks like somebody’s nicked his idea as well, as several people spotted this first part of a George Michael statue arriving in town.

 

If you care to wander past a karaoke bar in Pattaya’s Arab quarter, you can usually guarantee to be treated to some of the most appalling noises ever inflicted on the human race. Some of these lunkheads are reckoned to have won karaoke contests, but the general consensus is that they aren’t even good enough to come last. They’ve also helped to fuel speculation that these bars are being used as training camps for suicide singers.

 

Speaking of Arabs, a report has just come out saying that more of them are moving to this area because they felt less welcome in Europe and America due to issues related to terrorism. Well, I guess that’s understandable, as we all know how welcome they are in Pattaya. About as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.

 

If that wasn’t bad enough, there was a rumour going round that there might be an attempted massacre at Alzheimers A Go Go. The plan was apparently to get a terrorist group to infiltrate the house band and force them to play an up-tempo number, resulting in an unimaginable loss of life among the farang punters. Here’s a recent pic of the place.

 

In what’s presumably an attempt to impress somebody or other, Pattaya City Council has given the go-ahead for the construction of a 91-storey condominium tower on Jomtien Beach Road, which will give them the almost slightly amazing reputation of having the world’s tallest residential building. Critics of this enviable erection include the Immigration Authorities, who are concerned that it will attract hordes of end-it-all jumpers whose visas may expire before they hit the ground. Just remember to keep looking up as you walk past, eh?

 

There was a spot of drama on Second Road a few days back when a bloke was carried out of Kiss Food And Drink with his tongue hanging out, his eyeballs on stalks and his face changing colour every two seconds. However, after a few hearty slaps on the back, he recovered and told the gathering crowd that it was “just some food that had gone down the wrong way”. As he was eating as Kiss, I guess he must have meant that it went into his stomach.

 

Police were called to the Tepprasit Market a couple of Saturdays ago after reports that a Thai bloke was exposing himself to female market-goers. He must have got plenty of sun on the offending body part before being arrested, as first reports said that he was taken to where else but the Dongtan Police sub-station. You couldn’t make this stuff up, could you? Sadly, it turned out to be a spelling mistake, as you can see.

However, it did prompt some remarks about sexism, so it’s now been decided to name the building “Pussytal” on alternate weeks. And when the US Navy are in town, the place will be known as “Don’t Ask, Dongtal” (ask a Yank to explain it to you.)

 

Speaking of which, there’s been a lot of talk about the young Brit poove who minced into Pattaya Police Station and reported that he was shaken down for money by one of their fellow officers during a visit to Boyztown. It’s been suggested that he shouldn’t return to Pattaya unless he wants to become a late poove, but all he needs to do is become a ladyboy, then the local plod won’t recognise him and he’ll probably get a lot more blokes as well. Mentioning no names, obviously.

 

You know, we’re always hearing from the young blokes that they never pay for pussy when they’re in Pattaya. I guess that explains why they never get any.

 

The Mayor and his team recently visited the road construction works at Soi Paniad Chang 8, where a new road is being built. The mayor asked to speak with residents in the soi to find out whether their health was being affected by the construction, so obliging officials have made the necessary arrangements and the séance will be held next month.

 

Pattaya these days has a much greater international appeal, with parties of holidaymakers coming from further and further afield. Here we see an Irish tour bus parked on Beach Road.

 

The glorious Pattaya Mail had a headline the other week informing us that “Gambling den operated under noses of police patrols”. Bloody clever that, disguising a gambling den as a moustache.

 

Not to be outdone, Pattaya City News came up with “Tourist Police arrest three ladyboys after beach theft”. I wonder where they’ve hidden it?

 

And remember, if everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the fuck’s going on.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

 

(Thanx to Soi 7 for pix 1/3/4)

[Jay097 2]

You just made my day a bit less boring !!!

 

Tx !!!

 

Jay

[golfer2426 0]

vary good loved it

[MM 6,562]

Funny stuff and even better with pictures.

 

These gentlemen were recently spotted getting ready to attach a barcode to the FLB Bar so that anyone who wants to buy the place can just take it straight to the nearest checkout and pay for it. Can’t wait to watch ‘em try to get it in a bag.

 

I prefer an RFID microchip in the girls. Barcodes are so passe'

[Braveheart 0]

Well done monkeydude! Another fine installment to add to the watch collection.

[lustyles 1]

funny

[MM 6,562]

These gentlemen were recently spotted getting ready to attach a barcode to the FLB Bar so that anyone who wants to buy the place can just take it straight to the nearest checkout and pay for it. Can’t wait to watch ‘em try to get it in a bag.

 

Okay, the mystery is solved. The workmen were about to write club boesche. Here is a photo of one of their dancers. Their new cashier system just scans the code and routes the bar fine commission to her on payday.