Nightmarch

[PattayaPete 530]

Give Me Some Hot Stuff Baby This Evening: I don’t know if the word ‘sophistication’ and ‘Pattaya’ can realistically be used in the same sentence when referring to night (and afternoon, for that matter) entertainment venues employing damsels of easy virtue, but there really seems to be a sea-change shift in much of the newer places opening about Fun Town.

 

By no means would I call the Hotties Club, which officially opened its sliding doors for business with a big bash on Saturday night 1 December, ‘sophisticated’, but I would call it ‘fun’. The joint, another of the strangely-named coyote dance clubs, is situated at the back of the new beer boozer complex located almost opposite Mike Shopping Mall on Second Road. My understanding is the entire area has in fact been put together by the eponymous Mike.

 

It was standing room only as you can imagine at the opening, but I would think it will do quite well in the long run as its floor-to-ceiling windows allow punters to watch what’s going on in the beer boozers as well as the action in the air-conditioned den. The place is owned by the well-known Khun Lek, the operator of the long-running Classroom 2000 ogling den and Honeypot shake-your-butt club in Soi 2. This is the furthest south Lek and her sister Khun Toy have ventured in their bar-operating career for some time, but they have a friendly foreign manager, a live band playing good older popular music, a DJ who also spins discs that would be familiar to most people, and, most importantly, plenty of ladies of nocturnal habits and professional acumen. Most are friendly and interact with the customers. Libations are reasonably priced with house liver wasters at 95 baht.

 

Going to the Devil and Back: It’s very hard to recommend a place you’ve only had a strictly business-style relationship with (no sniggering, it’s true, despite the rumours going around), but I think I’m fairly safe in suggesting the Hell Club in Soi LK Metro is well worth investing an hour-and-a-half of your precious time, especially if you are into trios and energetic activities involving mattresses, baby oil, rubber tools and the odd electrical appliance. I have two friends -this fact comes as a great shock to most people I might add- who have enjoyed the very hands-on facilities and activities offered by the ladies employed in the Hell Club and since the management offer a ‘satisfaction guaranteed or your money back’ deal then it really is worth a look. They also cater to the odd fetish or two, although if you’d like to have a lady play John Philip Sousa’s ‘Star and Stripes Forever’ on a mouth organ while dressed as an Argentine admiral you may have to come back another time. Just be aware if you do want to check out the lying-in facilities you’ve got to be well and truly ‘up for it’, as my Pommy mates say.

 

No More Kitty Litter: Lanky Bob, who first started propping up an end of an ogling den bar way back in about 1995, sold his share in the Catz chrome pole palace (Soi 16, Covent Garden Complex) at the end of October to a young American investor. The Birmingham, England native may well have put his cue in the rack but when I asked him what his future plans might entail he said he certainly wouldn’t be doing anything for at least six months, although he has given up smoking. During the course of conversation he did use the words ‘gay’ and ‘bar’ in the same sentence, but I’m pretty sure he hasn’t completely turned turtle and become an uphill gardener in his dotage.

 

Cheapest in Town? The New Living Dolls 1 ogling den (Walking Street) can probably lay claim to the cheapest and longest (in terms of time per night) happy hours in Fun Town. The den kicks into life around 8:00PM and the happy hour offers libations from draught amber, house liver wasters and Thai rotgut for just 39 baht. I don’t know how they’re making any money at that price, with most other happy hours around town being more in the 45-55 baht range. The line-up of dancing damsels is a pretty good one compared to a lot of other places, although most are hard-core veterans in terms of time spent in the bar-finable trenches.

They, like most chrome pole huggers who’ve spent a few months or even years honing their wallet-emptying skills can pick a potential ‘mark’ within four and a half seconds of the punter traversing the threshold.

 

Beware the Makeup Artists: Down in Soi LK Metro the Champagne chrome pole palace remains a popular venue, and it seems to be even more so since the back area was renovated. There are plenty of dancing damsels, with seven or eight on stage at any one time in various stages of undress. Liver wasters are 100 baht, bottled Singha beer is 90 baht, and standard lady drinks 95 baht. The management organises a free pizza night every Wednesday and Friday, until 1:00AM. It’s a reasonably friendly den, which I think is one reason it does quite well, even though the ‘quality’ of chrome pole molester is fairly average. As any regular Fun Town den lurker knows, a darkish room and UV light can hide a multitude of less-than-alluring physical traits, as a mate found to his chagrin when he took a lithe dancer from Champagne back to his room for an organ-grinding session. She looked pretty good in the bar, but once the makeup came off he thought he’d paid the bar for Methuselah’s elder sister. Nice lady as he said, just that she had a head like a robber’s dog.

 

Down the road in the same soi the weirdly-named Gorkle was dead. There was one customer in the joint and about six or eight bored-looking dancers. This was quite surprising considering it was about 11:00PM on a Saturday night when I stuck my melon through the door. It could have been an ‘off’ night I suppose, but the place was completely bereft of any ambience.

 

Tales from the Crib: One of my ever-tumescent friends recently had a great mattress actress experience with a young lady of loose morals who he found cavorting about in the recently-opened Insomnia Club (Soi Diamond). While he was engaged in the standard game of playing hide-the-salami the lady’s phone rang. She looked at the number, placed her fingers to her lips and told my friend to be quiet, as the call (at around 3:00AM mind you) was from her English boyfriend. She answered in the sweet way of one who has the sounds of honesty and sincerity down to a fine art (insert the name of any politician here). While she was assuring her dribbling paramour of undying love and devotion my friend told me he decided to spend the time exploring the region between the young ladies legs with his tongue, an act commonly referred to in medical journals, dictionaries, and sophisticated stroke magazines wrapped in plastic as cunnilingus (this is not to be confused with the Irish national airline Aer Lingus).

 

Now, so far no one reading this should be surprised. After all, this has to be one of the oldest of stories, but what makes it just a little more interesting is the 50-something boyfriend kept ringing the girl every 40-50 minutes until after 6:00AM. She kept insisting she was home in bed tucked up with her sister and a nice bowl of noodles, while in reality she was acting out moves from the Kama Sutra and chewing on a lump of meat. The moral of the story: if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck, not Florence Nightingale with a halo.

 

One of these days I’m going to write yet another book and put all these stories in it as a collection and call it Gullible’s Travels.

 

Mamasan Memo: It appears as though the Club Boesche ogling den (Soi 16, Covent Garden Complex) has incurred the wrath of the Steering Committee of the Pattaya Chrome Pole Molesting Collective. In a recent memo sent to members it states: ‘It has come to our attention that one of the mamasans working in Club Boesche does not possess the requisite age and physical attributes of such a position as defined by the Trade Descriptions Act (BE 2500). The Act states a mamasan must be old, fat, and, preferably, ugly. Our sources tell us the mamasan in Club Boesche is relatively young, lithe of body, and facially attractive. We demand the management of this establishment immediately rectify this disgusting state of affairs.’

 

Piece of Pith: Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve travelled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.