I think its funny

[sinbinjack 244]

Teacher Arrested

 

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

 

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

 

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

 

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

 

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

 

When asked to comment on the arrest, George W. Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

 

Aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

 

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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

 

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

 

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"

 

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence.'"

 

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

 

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2," hard bodied, well hung, Male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God!"

 

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One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

 

"Welcome to Heaven, "said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

 

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

 

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

 

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

 

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

 

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the Country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

 

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

 

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

 

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

 

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

 

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

 

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."

 

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Flying: can you handle the truth?

In-flight announcements are not entirely truthful. What might an honest one sound like?

(From the Economist Newspaper, London)

 

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. We are delighted to welcome you aboard Veritas Airways, the airline that tells it like it is. Please ensure that your seat belt is fastened, your seat back is upright and your tray-table is stowed. At Veritas Airways, your safety is our first priority. Actually, that is not quite true: if it were, our seats would be rear-facing, like those in military aircraft, since they are safer in the event of an emergency landing. But then hardly anybody would buy our tickets and we would go bust.

 

The flight attendants are now pointing out the emergency exits. This is the part that you might want to pay attention to. So stop your sudoku for a minute and listen: knowing in advance where the exits are makes a dramatic difference to your chances of survival if we have to evacuate. Also please keep your seat belt fastened when seated, even if the seat belt light is not illuminated. This is to protect you from the risk of clear-air turbulence, a rare but extremely nasty form of disturbance that can cause severe injury. Imagine the heavy food trolleys jumping into the air and bashing into the overhead lockers, and you will have some idea of how nasty it can be. We don’t want to scare you. Still, keep that seat belt fastened.

 

Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. This aircraft is equipped with inflatable slides that detach to form life rafts, not that it makes any difference. Please remove high-heeled shoes before using the slides. We might as well add that space helmets and anti-gravity belts should be removed, since to mention the use of the slides as rafts is to enter the realm of science fiction.

 

Please switch off all mobile phones, since they can interfere with the aircraft’s navigation systems. At least, that’s what you’ve been told. The real reason to switch them off is because they interfere with the mobile networks on the ground, but that doesn’t sound quite so good. On most flights a few mobile phones are left on by mistake, so if they were really dangerous we would not allow them on board at all. We will have to come clean about this next year, when we introduce in-flight calling across the Veritas fleet. At that point the prospect of taking a cut of the sky-high calling charges will miraculously cause our safety concerns about mobile phones to evaporate.

 

On channel 11 of our in-flight entertainment system you will find a video consisting of abstract imagery and a new-age soundtrack, with a voice-over explaining some exercises you can do to reduce the risk of deep-vein thrombosis. We are aware that this video is tedious, but it is not meant to be fun. It is meant to limit our liability in event of lawsuits.

 

Once we have reached cruising altitude you will be offered a light meal and a choice of beverages. The purpose of these refreshments is partly to keep you in your seats where you cannot do yourselves or anyone else any harm. Please consume alcohol in moderate quantities so that you become mildly sedated but not rowdy. That said, we can always turn the cabin air-quality down a notch or two to help ensure that you are sufficiently drowsy.

 

After take-off, the most dangerous part of the flight, the captain will say a few words that will either be so quiet that you won’t hear them, or so loud that they could wake the dead. So please sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. We appreciate that you have a choice of airlines and we thank you for choosing Veritas, a member of an incomprehensible alliance of obscure foreign outfits. Cabin crew, please make sure we have remembered to close the doors. Sorry, I mean; doors to automatic and cross-check. Thank you for flying Veritas.”

 

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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

 

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the

employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

 

Hello?

 

Is your daddy home? he asked.

 

Yes, whispered the small voice.

 

May I talk with him?

 

The child whispered, No.

 

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, Is your Mommy there?

 

Yes,

 

May I talk with her?

 

Again the small voice whispered, No,

 

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the

boss asked, Is anybody else there?

 

Yes, whispered the child, a policeman.

 

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss

asked, May I speak with the policeman?

 

No, he's busy whispered the child.

 

Busy doing what?

 

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, came the whispered

answer.

 

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background

through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, What is that noise?

 

A helicopter, answered the whispering voice.

 

What is going on there? demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

 

Again, whispering, the child answered, The search team just landed a

helicopter.

 

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, What are

they searching for?

 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle........."ME".

 

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These are some things that you JUST WANNA do in the supermarket

 

1.Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

 

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

 

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

 

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,

" 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens.

 

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

 

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

 

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,

"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

 

9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

 

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

 

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

 

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

 

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,

say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

 

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..

"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

 

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

 

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"

 

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WOMEN'S REVENGE..

'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?'

I asked.

'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

 

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WHO DOES WHAT..

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

God may have created man before woman,

but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece..

 

 

 

 

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It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.