A few old jokes to make you laugh

[MarsGodOfWar 8]

1. Why I Fired My Secretary

 

 

Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn't feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

 

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn't say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

 

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o'clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Joanne, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

 

We went to lunch but not where we'd normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" I replied with "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."

 

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...

 

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

 

And I just sat there...

 

On the couch...

 

Naked.

 

 

2. Sunday School Lesson

 

 

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

 

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

 

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

 

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

 

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

 

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"

 

... the teacher fainted!

 

 

3. Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

 

 

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

 

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

 

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

 

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Edited March 4, 2010 by MarsGodOfWar

[Pattaya_Freak 0]

Bill Gates Death

 

Bill Gates dies and his soul going to the pearly gates. St Peter told him that today God has made an exception to allow people to make their own choice on where they want to go, Heaven or Hell. So he entered Heaven and takes a look around. There are angels and people singing, dancing, eating fruit and having fun. But curiosity got to him and he wanted to see what Hell was like.

 

So he goes to have a look at Hell. He saw a beach full of beautiful naked women, alcohol everywhere, and everyone having a great time partying and having sex. So he goes to St. Peter and said “I’ve made up my mind. I want to go to Hell” St. Peter replied “Ok, no problem”

 

When he returned to Hell it was nothing like what he saw. It was pools of lava and people screaming and suffering. So he approached the Devil and asked “Satan, where are the girls, and the party?” The Devil replied “Sorry Bill that was just a Demo”