Monkeywatch - December 2010

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our Cool Yule edition where we once again remember the story of the Nativity, which taught us that even wise men don't know shit about buying presents for kids.

 

The big issue of the month has been licensing hours for bars, which now seem to be changing on a daily basis.

 

First news was in a local newspaper that said bar owners are pushing Pattaya to extend closing times. Fair enough, but wouldn't it be more useful to extend opening times?

 

The next story was that some Pattaya bars might be permitted 24 hour opening during the high season. That's not really many hours for a whole season, is it?

 

Following this, the new bar zoning regulations came in permitting 'some bars' to open until 3am. Which bars they were talking about is anybody's guess.

 

Finally, we got the announcement from Mayor Ippititimus that bars will be allowed to stay open until 4.30am inside the zone and 3pm outside it as long as they run their businesses within Thai Law. There may be two small problems here. Firstly, nobody knows where these 'zones' are. Secondly, nobody seem to be too sure whose version of Thai Law they are supposed to be running their businesses within. The show goes on.

 

Last week, Pattaya proudly welcomed yet another celebrity visitor with the arrival of Beaker from The Muppet Show…

 

 

The boys in brown have been up to their old tricks again with raids on numerous bars including Champagne and Carousel. ID cards were checked and urine tests were carried out on staff. Police in attendance said they were particularly impressed by the co-operative attitude of one bar where the girls were already providing urine samples as officers entered the premises.

 

A five metre long boa constrictor that had been eating livestock at a temple in Sriracha was finally caught last week after monks were alerted by a barking dog. When asked if the capture had been a difficult task, one monk replied "Ever tried to handcuff a snake?"

 

This attempt to sell Pattaya on Ebay was abandoned after two months as no bids were received …

 

 

Sixteen people were arrested by Banglamung police on suspicion of gambling after an apartment on Naklua Road was raided the other Monday, during which cash and decks of cards were confiscated. The identities of the offenders have been difficult to establish as they were mainly foreign nationals, though police say they found ID cards on the table identifying several of them, two of whom were named as Mr Bun the Baker and Mr Field the Farmer.

 

A Russian gentleman who invited a couple of young ladies back to his room for some overnight tea and crumpets woke up the next morning having gained a huge hangover but having lost the two aforementioned ladies along with about a million baht's worth of possessions, according to the report he gave to the local plod. He reckoned that the girls might have drugged him (no shit, Sherlock). Jesus H Christ, what chance have guys with a bit of savvy got when bargirls have got so many brainless dickheads to go at?

 

Local historians are speculating that Americans may have arrived in Pattaya much earlier than was previously thought following the discovery of these fossilised pretzels on Beach Road…

 

 

Quite a few open and shut cases to report on a busy bar scene this month. Alcatraz A Go Go has opened its doors (strangely contradictory), as has Fahrenheit A Go Go, and Redlite Club will be opening soon down by Soho Square. On the downside, it looks like Cosy A Go Go may have breathed its last (not much of a downside to be honest). Performance Bar has reopened as an iron club, as opposed to The Iron Club, which isn't an iron club as it's got girls. Geddit? Oh, and Paris A Go Go has changed its name to Atlantis so expect it to sink without trace in the very near future. Most surprising news of the month though is that Sakura Club 69 hasn't opened or closed. Now that's amazing.

 

Finally, Pattaya was privileged to receive a visit by a delegation from the Republic of Tajikistan last week. The purpose of their visit was apparently to learn more about the culture and traditions of Thailand, which would explain why they went home with a lorry load of chrome poles and condoms.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[jasonbalmer 2]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our Cool Yule edition where we once again remember the story of the Nativity, which taught us that even wise men don't know shit about buying presents for kids.

 

... and that some people will do anything to avoid flying during the Christmas holidays.

[ichy2 429]

. . . which taught us that even wise men don't know shit about buying presents for kids.

 

 

I always find your posts amusing, but this is the first time I actually laughed.