Some funny - some not

[Captain_C 28]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

 

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy bitch busy.

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

 

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

 

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

 

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

 

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person doe’s that to someone's Advent calendar.

 

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

 

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

 

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month. It’s time to change supplier I think.

 

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.