Nichtmarch 4 February 2004

[PattayaPete 530]

Tantalised by Tina: One of the best tourist attractions in Fun Town is the gender-bender series of shows at the long-running Malibu boozer and noshery, located on the corner of Second Road and Soi Post Office.

 

Watching blokes in a dresses, faces caked in makeup, doing a few high kicks in stilettos or books, flailing their arms like demented fowls with a fence-post shoved up the clacker and grinning in the manner of people who’ve been smoking unusual weed-like matter, may not seem grand entertainment.

 

The lip-synching is about as coordinated as the overdubbing done into English on old black-and-white Italian gladiator movies. This is particularly the case with the Elvis Presley impersonator. Actually, with his dark sunglasses on he looks more like a cross between Elvis and Roy Orbison. The highlight of the show is the three songs performed by ‘Tina Turner’. The man who takes on the persona of the gravel-voiced grandmother of rock has taken a few of her stage mannerisms and made them his own. His facial twitches, parodying Tina Turner, look akin to someone recovering the art of speech after a stroke.

 

The night I went one of the earlier acts had what could be termed a Janet Jackson moment when one lady-boy pulled at the flimsy top of another and, in a classic wardrobe malfunction, the audience were briefly left gaping at a pair of finely tuned silicone breasts.

Libations run to around 85-95 baht for bottled amber fluid, 110 baht for liver wasters, but lolly water is reasonable at 30 baht. The Thai fare ranges between 95 and 120 baht. Entertainment begins at 7:00PM, but really begins kicking into gear around 9:00PM and the night I went the joint was packed. If you’ve never seen the show, do yourself a favour and go, just once. If it’s a while since you last saw it, and you’re in need of a good laugh, take the trouble and spend an hour or two in the place.

 

Still Going After All These Years: Recently wandered into Abbe’s, one of Walking Street’s enduring beer boozers. The music is great (Led Zeppelin, U2, Midnight Oil and their ilk) and the front of the bar is a great place to sit and watch the madding crowd. Chang is 60 baht and liver wasters are 80 baht; although my own liver was in no danger of degeneration as I suspect the shot of vodka might somehow have missed my glass.

 

Out in the Cotton Fields: Located off the beaten track in Naklua Soi 12, the Cotton Club is one of those places you don’t just pass by; a little like the Blind Beggar in Jomtien, it’s the type of establishment you decide to visit ahead of time.

 

Tastefully appointed and spacious, the Cotton Club seems to be one of those places trying to be all things to everyone. It opens at sparrow fart (8:00AM), offers munching facilities to the hungry, has the ubiquitous pool table and a dozen or so maidens of various shapes and sizes willing to help you relax. The bar impost of 400 baht for a bit of Sierra Tango entertainment seems overpriced given what’s available elsewhere in Fun Town.

 

The evening I wandered in it was a little quiet, but with a selection of Creedence Clearwater Revival tunes piping through the system at a respectable volume and a couple of friendly female employees prepared to engage in light conversation, I quite liked the joint.

 

Still a Little Purr Left: The last ogling den between Pattaya and Soi Cowboy is Kittens on Naklua Road. The music mix in the chrome pole palace has changed from the last time I was in, and for the better. OK, I’m biased; if I hear Cold Chisel and AC/DC in the one place then I think the music’s good. Lanky Bob still holds court after 10:00PM and with draught amber at 49 baht all night (liver wasters run to 95 baht) and the odd show still happening on stage, it’s worth wandering in to cool down if you happen to be in Germantown.

 

Honey, I Shrunk the Tits: In all its lengthy period of existence in Fun Town, the Honey ogling den (Walking Street) has never been known as a place that employs the stunning end of the dancing maiden spectrum. Although it’s always had a friendly environment the place went downhill in the mid to late 1990s, but over the past 12-18 months the ownership recognised the need to revamp and improve the joint if they were going to stand a chance against the new competition entering Walking Street.

 

Honey now has a fairly strong contingent of chrome pole molesters and comfortable seating; the music seems to vary between good and bad car alarm style and libations run to 50 baht for draught amber and 95 baht for liver wasters. Lady drinks are also 95 baht.

 

Plugged In: Nothing like a free plug. The newly-revised, updated and, more important, expanded, version of my book Pattaya Unplugged has been released and, I’m more than pleased to say, early sales have been really good. Quite a number of the photographs of various signs around Pattaya now no longer exist, including the ‘Ear Picking by Specialist’ the Nang Nual parking sign, and the ‘Victoria Gust House’. Look for the bright red cover with the ‘Come Inside Me Please’ sign emblazoned on the front. It retails at 395 baht and can be found at Bookazine Royal Garden, DK Post Office, DK Central Road as well as a few other outlets and bars or via the internet at www.dcothai.com

 

Eight Up: The eighth edition of the Pattaya Nightlife pocket guide is finally on the streets. After a longer than expected hiatus, the latest edition, which features the Living Dolls ogling den (Walking Street) on its front cover and Kitten Club chrome pole palace (Pattayaland Soi 2) on the back, is being distributed around the more popular sleeping dens in the main region of Pattaya city as well as boozers of all styles.

 

Thai Logic 101: A well-known booze bar operator with a year or so left on his lease was recently approached by the owner of his building who explained that he was having a few dramas with the bank and was he, the bar operator, interested in purchasing the property. A sum of 4 million baht was the price and the operator told the owner he’d let him know in due course. A short time later, confident he could raise the necessary funds, he rang the Thai owner and said, “OK, we’ve got the 4 million.”

 

“Oh, no. Now price is 6 million,” was the reply. Needless to say, no further correspondence has been entered into.